Hilariously dumb shit you've actually heard - This not being reddit, I expect true stories

I heard this guy unironically claim Tesla batteries are alien technology. Oh there was also this other guy that believed high speed internet was alien technology. Like..what? How? How would you know? Also that gas prices are only going up because oil corporations are greedy. OK? So I guess they weren't greedy before and decided to be greedy only recently? Huh???

It's wild some things people believe. Like how are you even that dumb.
 
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Dr. Puncherillo said:
Anytime I'm questioned for carrying gun, "omg why?" "No one needs a gun wtf bro" all that fag shit makes me mati(marl)
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My friends wife was complaining that I was carrying in a movie theater. I pointed out that if someone were to come in shooting, there'd be nowhere to run and my only option would be to fight.

She said I was crazy and paranoid and that would never happen.

A week later, the Aurora Dark Knight shooting happened. I gave her sooooo much shit.

Edit: I just remembered last night a co worker sent me a reel of someone who claimed that they order their food through door dash, and then take the job on door dash so they get paid to pick up their own food. He said he was going to start doing that. When I said that there was no way you'd make more than you'd end up paying in door dash fee's, he just replied "That's not how door dash works"
 
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xXx: State of the Union said:
Edit: I just remembered last night a co worker sent me a reel of someone who claimed that they order their food through door dash, and then take the job on door dash so they get paid to pick up their own food. He said he was going to start doing that. When I said that there was no way you'd make more than you'd end up paying in door dash fee's, he just replied "That's not how door dash works"
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The real only way I could think of this working is if you would be already doing doordash and you wanted something while working.
 
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xXx: State of the Union said:
Edit: I just remembered last night a co worker sent me a reel of someone who claimed that they order their food through door dash, and then take the job on door dash so they get paid to pick up their own food. He said he was going to start doing that. When I said that there was no way you'd make more than you'd end up paying in door dash fee's, he just replied "That's not how door dash works"
Click to expand...
 
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xXx: State of the Union said:
Edit: I just remembered last night a co worker sent me a reel of someone who claimed that they order their food through door dash, and then take the job on door dash so they get paid to pick up their own food. He said he was going to start doing that. When I said that there was no way you'd make more than you'd end up paying in door dash fee's, he just replied "That's not how door dash works"
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I could see this working if you get a promotion for maybe free delivery or even a free order like I've seen for Uber Eats. There's ways to avoid the fees, and if you can big brain around that, this could be a big brain move. Idk, I don't do food delivery as a driver or really even a customer so maybe I'm retarded.
 
Copying my story from African American Appreciation.

Today I had a bewildering encounter with a melanated coworker.

He somehow found out that I produce music in my spare time and wanted to hear it. I showed him a metal instrumental track I'd recently finished, expecting a "aww hell naw das some whiteboi shieeeet". However he said it wasn't his type of music, but it sounded professional and wanted to know if I could make "type shit" beats.

Have no idea what he's talking about, and he plays for me 3 different beats with practically zero common ground between them. One was like a standard pop-rap beat, another was drill, and the third was like west coast 90s shit.

I'm further confused, and I look at his phone and he's playing a YouTube video titled something like "freejunglenoise.biz FREE BEAT (HOT FIRE🔥) SNOOP DOGG TYPE-SHIT"

He thinks "type shit" is a genre of music instead of it indicating that it's a facsimile of existing music.
 
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This was like 15 years ago and I still think of it sometimes because the whole thing made me almost laugh out loud even though these girls were about 14 if they were a day and probably had no idea. I was in Boscov's looking at tops and they had some Nirvana shirts. The girls were looking through the shirts and one of them says something like "I want to go to a Nirvana concert sometime".

I wanted to say something. But I was afraid I'd laugh and it would look bad. These girls were fawning over Nirvana merch and seemed to have no idea that Kurt had been dead since probably before they were born.

It's so odd now because everyone and their dog seems to have a Nirvana shirt and it's like an essential wardrobe piece. It doesn't even mean anything anymore. But then again since band shirts left the comfort of record stores and concerts to be sold at every department store it's hard to tell who is a fan of anything you like just because they have the t-shirt.:(
 
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I have a grandma who is old and has discovered tiktok. This, bless her heart, has turned her into a conspiracy theorist.

I have been told about the secret labs under the pyramids, the three demons that are going to come out of the Euphradies (probably spelt wrong but idc) river when it dries up and kill us all, the governments space laser, and my personal favorite, the giants the government is hiding from us.
 
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"They just throw the camera out the plane and her videos come out that way"

when I was skydiving a lot, at a public event I was jumping at, while chilling outside of a hotel with other skydivers on their break and fixing my busted drogue chute with some drugstore sewing kit, in a sport full of Type-A personalities, the biggest type A was this 6'2" campy gay guy with a voice gayer than Big Gay Als.... we were on the ground being jealous about this chick who would always exit out the plane in these perfect yoga poses, never tumbling over or burning 500 feet getting her bearings, so all the videographers would put B roll footage of her on everything, while none of the other skydivers would get screen time on any video anyone was making. everyone flew to Nevada to spend a weekend skydiving and going by the footage you would think only 1 chick was there instead of 200.

we were all murmuring about this chick under our breath while the whole time on the ground we were all being nice to her, then she hopped on another jump load and as soon as she was gone going back up the faggot put her out like a cigarette butt. we were howling

for years when skydiving for a hobby: "Why would you jump out of a perfectly good airplane?" You have not seen some of the shit I jumped out of, it was safer to be in freefall outside of the aircraft than inside of it.



I had some woman in my face screaming that she "doesn't do candies"... she was a junkie, and one of the other junkies told her that I made a crack at her being a pill popper (the junkies were mad that I drew police to one of their junkie friends who was hauled away, so they wound her up hoping to see some shit pop off). I never said a word about whatever she was on, and I then learned "candies" means "prescriptions", and the very fact that she said that was the giveaway that she was a pill head.
 
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