I'm 28 and four and a half years into HRT, I've had FFS and augmentation, my voice passes perfectly, all that...but I still can't wear what I want to wear. And I don't know why.
Well, I guess I kinda do. Everything that's happened here in America concerning trans people has made me perpetually afraid of standing out, even here in the Portland area. The closest I come to doing so is by wearing ally shirts. And that's all I ever really wear. Ally shirts, other shirts, jeans/pants, and tennis shoes. I'm not uncomfortable in that garb, but I want to branch out and finally master makeup and wear clothing that would indeed make me stand out a bit more. Every time I feel adventurous enough to wear that kind of clothing, I'm received well enough and I feel much better.
The other part of it is just...me. I may pass fine, but I can't help but wonder if that's because I don't stand out, in part because I don't wear what I want to wear. If I started wearing more eccentric and feminine clothing, I worry that would change and that I'd be more obvious. To that end, I feel like I'm, like...not allowed to wear what I want, even though I know I am. And figuring out how much of that mentality is coming from society and how much of it is coming from inside my own head is very difficult. Like, yeah, I don't wear extraordinarily tight clothing down under because I haven't had SRS yet. That part isn't a mystery. But the rest is.
I guess my question is...how do I overcome this? And is it indeed internalized transphobia or is more about the way the world is affecting me?