Fictional Characters who would deserve their own threads? - Just like the other thread.

[Space Police]

one for derangement syndrome and one for enslavement syndrome.

"Zeon Enslavement Syndrome / Neo-Zeon: wants to destroy the Earth out of loyalty to pseud Breadtuber, all leaders got BTFO'd by little girls".

Glemy Toto is space Ethan Ralph. Change my mind. Meer Campbell would be a pooner whose thread is equally split between pity and anger at her stupidity.

 

[glass_houses]

I gave up after the first season, and I've sperged about it elsewhere, but Grelle from the Black Butler anime is a candidate for both this thread and the Handmaiden thread. He's an effeminate, supernatural serial killer that was held up as an inspirational genderqwwwweeeeeer character that was an early harbinger of the troondom menace. Aside from being generally insane, he participated in the in universe version of the Jack the Ripper murders. The victims were depicted as selfish party sluts who got abortions because children would just weigh them down... as opposed to deeply impoverished, marginalised, vulnerable women doing one of the only two jobs that society at the time saw fit to provide them with.

So basically, this transgender woman, a transgressive, inspirational woman, is celebrated for horrendously violent acts against natal women who for the most part were homeless and one meal away from starvation at any time. Great stuff! And he's a she in the character guides now, too. Who could ever have seen it coming?

 

[Bunny Tracks]

genderqwwwweeeeeer character that was an early harbinger of the troondom menace. Aside from being generally insane, he participated in the in universe version of the Jack the Ripper murders. The victims were depicted as selfish party sluts who got abortions because children would just weigh them down... as opposed to deeply impoverished, marginalised, vulnerable women doing one of the only two jobs that society at the time saw fit to provide them with.

Off-topic, but I love how everyone in the series just seemingly forgot this, and the fact that he killed the main character's aunt.

 

[Starscream's Loyalty]

These are all for Transformers Animated.

[Orbiter]Lugnut - Fat Decepticon Who Ballwashes Megatron 24/7

• Thread is full of his outbursts about how much he idolizes his fag leader
• Someone makes an account just to upload him fighting Shockwave out of jealous tard rage, kiwis speculate who could've leaked
• "Strika is fat and I would not have sex with her" posting takes up 2 pages once kiwis find out he has an equally fat gf that seems to like/encourage his Megatron obsession

[Skitzocow] Blitzwing - Triple Changer Decepticon with 3 Faces And They're All Retarded

• Thread attracts medfags debating about weird robot surgery that gives you DID in exchange for turning into a tank and a plane
• The other half of the thread debates if weening is ok if it's in self defense

[Halal] @ThePrimerPrime/Sentinel Prime/Sentinel Magnus- Pompous Elite Guard Fat Chinned Faggot Turned Temporary Dictator, Constantly Outdone by a FUCKING JANNY

• He tried to make a shitty thread about the janny robot he a-logs, hence the halal
• Gets thread banned for shitting up discussion, then throws fits on his profile page and in DMs calling everyone Decepticons or fleshniggers
• Bans his entire planet from visiting Kiwifarms once he becomes robot king

For Sentinel's thread, there'd also be sympathy for Jazz (maybe he drops inside info on his boss a la MNPublicrecords) and keeping track of the Jet Twins' brushing off their boss's orders and siding with Optimus.

Bee's definitely an active contributor, writing up stories about boot camp and sharing them on the thread.

 

[Mike Matei's Penis]

Jolly Roger the frog and his tranny wife from Banjo Tooie would be caught grooming.
In retrospect it's weird his bar was right next to those pig kids...

 

[Grimoire Canthari]

Bee's definitely an active contributor, writing up stories about boot camp and sharing them on the thread.

I can already smell his lack of opsec. Or he'd straight up reveal himself in thread to collect ratings.

 

[The First Fag]

The Star Wars universe, even before Disney bought the rights to it, has produced figures that some could consider to be lolcows.

Darth Krayt of the Star Wars Legacy comics (pre-resurrection):

• Sith equivalent of a communist (giving up individual autonomy in service to the order, favoring obedience over competence, dislike of those not born in the order)
• Cult leader
• Old AF (has been a Jedi since before the Clone Wars)
• Has weird shit growing out of his body
• Got told off by a fucking furry and did nothing
• Gets trolled by holograms and ghosts
• Uses genocide as physical therapy
• Helped bring about Order 66 by keeping Anakin's secret marriage a secret even after Anakin tried to kill him (probably for liking sand)
• Surrounded by hot bitches, yet gets no bitches
• Got kicked out of the Tusken Raiders after getting his shit pushed in by Space Jesus
• Really doesn't like it when you mention his space-AIDS
• Failure to his father
• Had to fucking die to get cured of space-AIDS
• Mortal nemesis is a crackhead

Lord Kaan from the Darth Bane Trilogy:

• Cult leader
• Likely communist
• Fucking insane
• Thinks like a dirt general, not like a Sith
• Too much of a pussy to stand up to Chad Bane himself like a real man, gets his lackeys to try and kill him instead and fails
• Too much of a pussy to use the title of Darth
• Got trolled into blowing himself and his lackeys the fuck up by Chad Bane

Valenthyne Farfalla from the Darth Bane Trilogy:

• Literal fucking goatman
• Shits on the values of antimaterialism and humility the Jedi espouse, openly flaunting an ornate spaceship and kegs of fine wine as everyone else is wearing tattered rags and probably drinking their own piss
• Suspected homosexual
• Wears garish clothes even in pitched melees
• Didn't think it pertinent to inform the council that there were Sith survivors after Lord Kaan ragequit from existence
• Fucking dies

Darth Bane

• Baldest douchebag of every planet ever
• Grooms children (likely because he doesn't have any hair anywhere)
• Born a bald wagie on a shithole of a planet where almost every human is bald
• Got jacked and tall so he could be even balder
• Daddy issues somehow NOT related to baldness
• Wears bugs for armor
• Goes batshit insane thanks to weird bug-juices
• Has to wear a special helmet to keep the bugs from nesting on his face (and to hide his baldness)
• Nearly fucking died due to weird bug-juices
• Brief spell as a simp
• Nearly fucking died due to being a simp
• Gets out of the friendzone with mind bombs
• Cannot fathom unironically helping former teammates out of kindness
• The Lorax's baldest enemy
• Did I mention that he is bald?

Sora Bulq from the Star Wars Republic comic series

• Background character in Attack of the Clones
• Fucking insane
• Ruined a good plan due to sheer stupidity and bloodlust, got his shit rocked by Samuel L. Jackson for it
• Somehow gets high-end admin duties in spite of being fucking insane
• Failed to kill a literally crippled old man due to sheer sadism
• Near fucking useless as a Force-Wielder
• Got his shit pushed in by a Space Wizard Rastaman

Lord Odion from the Knight Errant comics and book

• Kills people to ease his headaches, apparently hasn't heard of Tylenol
• 3edgy5me
• Lost his best legion due to sheer retardation
• Not quite as bald as Bane, just as much of a douchebag
• Spent his life looking for a helmet in the name of killing everyone (and hide his baldness)
• Turns every situation he happens upon into a clusterfuck

The First WatchCircle from the Knights of the Old Republic comics

• Extremists amongst extremists
• Poor judges of character (believed one of their students would become a Sith while an actual Sith hopeful hid in their ranks)
• One of their number is a fucking lunatic who needed a cocktail of drugs just to function by herself
• One of their number suffers from severe mommy issues
• Made up of seers who couldn't interpret visions for shit
• Founder was an abusive parent who disregarded her own son because he didn't have the powers she wanted
• Murdered their own Padawans in the name of the mission, still couldn't prevent the rise of the Sith
• Mortal nemesis is a chronically tardy fuck-up

 

[Starscream's Loyalty]

I can already smell his lack of opsec. Or he'd straight up reveal himself in thread to collect ratings.

And inevitably dox's his team's location. Prowl takes an axe to the internet and smashes Bee's phone. Bob Chandler bot right there. Also would have a few simps after the face dox I imagine

 

[Canard]

Zaphod Beeblebrox from Hitchiker's Guide to Galaxy.

• President of Galaxy (purely role with no power)
• Grand theft during term of a ship during naming cerenomy
• Two-Heads
• Tree Arms
• Extremely messy family tree, with 3 mothers and some incest (and generation numbers going down)

 

[AFAB]

Started watching The Sopranos, and Christopher Moltisanti would definitely end up as an Internet Tough Guy/Horrorcow.

- beats his girlfriend regularly before selling her out to Tony Soprano
- goes into a rage whenever he feels disrespected or if he thinks Tony no longer sees him as his favorite
- wrote a whole movie about his self-insert killing a mob boss based off of Tony Soprano (based on the incident where he thinks his girlfriend blew Tony)
- killed and injured plenty of people throught the show, including a waiter and his scriptwriting friend for very flimsy reasons
- junkie
- frequently cheats on his fiancee and his wife

 

[Abella]

Marina from fear and hunger 2.

>tranny.
>thinks he’s smarter than everyone.
>would probably be really annoying IRL.
>being orbited by some weird biological girl who is convinced he’s a girl.
>his mom groomed him and his dad disowns him.
>would probably have a <20 page thread on stink ditch that he’d threaten null to take down with suicidebaiting, leading to it becoming 500+ pages.

 

[WalterPresson96]

Bill Dauterive

 

[Frank(en) Castle]

[Career Cow] Albert Wesker from Resident Evil
- Test tube baby
- Named Albert (nerd)
- Fuckin Beta Male Science Nerd
- Schemes with other beta nerd to kill a third beta nerd who's better at science than them.
- Also a cop (state bootlicker)
- Creeps on young girls
- Kidnaps women and children to force a boomer to help him.
- Kills a bunch of cops (based)
- Has his cringe science fair project mocked by Giga-Chad Chris Redfield
- Gets killed by said science fair project
- Science fair project blown to pieces 5 minutes later by Chad Chris and Stacey Jill
- Doesn't actually die and infects himself with AIDS
- Joins Antifa
- Gets his ass whooped by a girl, runs away
- Spends years concocting elaborate plots and collecting bugs, all in service of infecting the world with AIDS
- Kills his dad in a baby rage after finding out he's a test tube baby
- Kidnaps the Stacey who ruined his science fair project 20 years before (definitely didn't rape her) and mind controls her (ew creepy)
- Finally tries to globally saturate the world with AIDS, gets foiled by Chad Chris and a negress, despite now having super powers from his own AIDS
- Blown-up in a volcano while impotently raging and actually dies this time.
At this point thread gets moved to [Inactive] BUT

Several years later it's discovered that some anime loving, edgy, try-hard named Jake Muller, is actually Wesker's son!
Thread is re-opened post haste, Renamed Wesker Family thread and would probably have a year of activity before Jake disappears from the internet and the thread is once again moved to inactive.

Edit: Forgot to mention, Albert also dressed like a homo right before he for real for real died. Look at this poofter.

 

[The First Fag]

Some more Legends characters that would probably be lolcows:

Lord Daiman from the Knight Errant comics and book:

• Thinks the universe revolves around him (quite literally).
• Acts like a big deal, even though he is effectively king of shit mountain in a sector no one cares that much about.
• Got his shit pushed in by a fucking Hutt and a Republic black ops team pulling a Ronald Reagan by flooding his realm with space crack.
• The living stereotype of a "spoiled brat" you'd see on those totally real revenge stories you see on Reddit.
• Broke the cardinal rule of not working with Jedi to fuck over his brother, even though said Jedi kept breaking his shit.
• Really doesn't like it when you break his shit.
• Really doesn't like it when you don't play into his delusions like an autistic.
• Gave his brother murder-inducing migraines by existing.
• Colossal fucking douchebag, doesn't even have the excuse of being bald unlike his brother.
• Once had a man killed by his secret police for laughing at him becoming cross-eyed.
• Will fuck over planetary ecosystems for shits and giggles.
• His personal realm is space North Korea, with non-stop propaganda of him being literal God blared everywhere.
• Mortal nemeses includes his edgy bald faggot brother and a Jedi Stacy.

Vul Isen from the Star Wars Legends comics

• Looks fucking terrifying with his skull-like face and shit.
• Looks constipated when he scowls.
• Bald.
• Fucking nerd.
• Constantly questioned orders unless it involved fucking over other people.
• Makes monstrosities and mistakes of God for the lulz, gives no shits for how much carnage he leaves behind.
• Won't shut the fuck up.
• Talks like a fag and his shit's all retarded.
• Bitches constantly to his squid-faced gimp about his secret waifu Darth Maladi not helping him with his work, even she doesn't want the skele-dick.
• His best idea came from a traitor, still managed to fuck it up.
• Got the Darth Maul treatment from his master's crackhead nemesis, didn't make it probably because he is a bald faggot.

Cade Skywalker from the Star Wars Legends comics

• Darth Krayt's aforementioned crackhead nemesis.
• 3edgy5me.
• Two-time race-mixer.
• Sees the ghost of his Chad ancestor Luke Skywalker (not the Disney version, thank God).
• Talks like a wigger, looks like one too.
• Became a bounty hunter after his dad got gutted by the walking razor-blade factory Darth Nihl.
• Beats women (in lightsaber duels).
• Stuck his dick in crazy.
• Best friend uses bugs as weapons.
• Gave Vul Isen's waifu a mind-breaking acid trip without any drugs.
• Heals people by electrocuting them.
• Has somehow pulled off not one, but two healing "consent accidents".
• Fence-sitter when it comes to commitment to either the Light or the Dark, representative of his nature as a troll.
• Turns trolling Sith Lords into a professional sport.

Darth Wredd from the Star Wars Legends Volume 2 comics

• Sith Lord who fucking hates Sith Lords.
• Cosmic troll who gets people to do his work for him.
• Autistically collects lightsabers like he's General Grievous, yet only uses one at a time.
• Somehow managed to steal the only Imperial Knight armor suit that didn't have lightsaber-resistant gauntlets, got his arms cut off in his final duel.
• Couldn't keep his hatred limited to the One Sith who fucked him over time and again.
• Wanted to destroy the Sith, yet also wanted to make more Sith.
• Probably pulls a Keemstar and calls his on-again, off-again boyfriend Jao Assam the n-word on a regular basis.
• Managed to fuck up suicide by cop, got suicide by trash dealer instead (lol).
• Got shot to death by Han Solo's descendant with a shitty haircut.
• Failed in destroying the Sith forever, though he did a decent job at fucking their shit up.

Kreia/Darth Traya from Knights of the Old Republic II: The Sith Lords

• Wants to destroy the Force, yet needs it to fucking see.
• Tries to come across as mysterious and deep, comes across as contradictory and cryptic as fuck.
• Condescending old bitch.
• All of her students fell to the Dark Side after the Mandalorian Wars.
• <Influence Lost: Kreia>
• Trolls people for shits and giggles.
• So fucking pretentious that even the Jedi and the Sith want nothing to do with her.
• Her Sith pupils include a walking corpse and a fucking Force vampire who makes planets suffer critical existence failure from orbit.
• Lost a hand to a walking corpse, too prideful to get a fucking prosthetic like a normal person.
• Uses three lightsabers, probably could handle four if she had her fucking hand.

Naga Sadow from the Tales of the Jedi comics

• Sith equvalent of a libshit.
• Singlehandedly responsible for fucking over the Golden Age of the Sith.
• Thinks subtlety is for pussies.
• Talks like a cartoon character at times.
• Blows up stars for shits and giggles.
• Needs a spaceship for more grandiose displays of power, can't make planets shit themselves without help.

Darth Scabrous from Star Wars: Red Harvest

• Tried to create an immortality serum, managed to create a zombie plague instead.
• Immortality serum wasn't even his original idea.
• Gives "secret training" sessions to only the best prospective fags.
• Uses people as filtration devices.
• Turned his academy into a zombie-infested hellhole as a result of failing to plan ahead.
• Got fucking exploded by the virus he created.

 

[Peepeepoopoo Witch]

The cast of It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia would have their own subforum. Most of the supporting characters like Artemis would have their own thread. The McPoyles would get their own subforum.

[Horrorcow] Joffrey Baratheon of Westeros -- Inbred sociopath, stupidity causes a civil war, literal bastard, nearly beat up by a midget, tortures prostitutes instead of banging them, can't take a joke, died like a bitch

[Horrorcow] Visser Three/Visser One -- beheads all his subordinates, emotionally volatile sociopath, takes year to figure there are no Andalite bandits, constantly beaten by teenagers, incompetent supervillain antics

Other characters:
- Conrad from Mass Effect would be a sadcow
- Scarlet Witch/Wanda from the MCU would be a horrorcow.
- Peter Griffin would be a deathfat.

 

[Doctor of Autism]

Homelander from The Boys TV Show would be a lolcow for being an insecure manchild

- Designer Baby
- Cries because people criticized him
- Kills people over minor disagreements
- Jealous of his boss' baby for taking more attention away from him
- Cried because his dad called him a pussy
- Extremely attention crazed
- Easily manipulated if it appeals to his ego
- Rages whenever anyone beats him up
- Still claims he's the strongest yet anyone with super strength can harm him
- Has a fetish for breast milk and sucks the teet of any woman who offers him some due to mommy issues
- Holds grudges for the pettiest shit
- Is a grifter pretending to care about religion
- Wears a muscle suit to look more muscular than he is
- No self awareness when anyone betrays him

 

[glass_houses]

Homelander from The Boys TV Show would be a lolcow for being an insecure manchild

- Designer Baby
- Cries because people criticized him
- Kills people over minor disagreements
- Jealous of his boss' baby for taking more attention away from him
- Cried because his dad called him a pussy
- Extremely attention crazed
- Easily manipulated if it appeals to his ego
- Rages whenever anyone beats him up
- Still claims he's the strongest yet anyone with super strength can harm him
- Has a fetish for breast milk and sucks the teet of any woman who offers him some due to mommy issues
- Holds grudges for the pettiest shit
- Is a grifter pretending to care about religion
- Wears a muscle suit to look more muscular than he is
- No self awareness when anyone betrays him

No one with Homelander's kill count or string of rape victims brings the lulz. He's 100% horrorcow.

 

[Peepeepoopoo Witch]

The My Immortal characters would have their own subforum. Enoby would have an account to call everyone fukin prepz and posers, suicide bait, claim we're just jealous because Satan made her so beautiful and perfect, and inevitably post nudes to pwn da flamerz.

 

[JesusChristDenton]

17 pages in and no mention of Infinite yet?


I can already imagine the thread title:
[Horrorcow] Infinite the Jackal / Zero / Ultimate Mercenary
3ft Furry manchild who larps as a DA edgelord, slaughters child soldiers to prove how strong he is, has mental breakdowns if he get's called weak, literal proud race traitor

For those unfamiliar with Sonic autism, here's a quick explanation:
>was intended to be a homage to Deviantart villain OCs, with all the attached autism
>first time he encounters Shadow results in him getting beaten up and called weak, causing him to have a massive chimpout
>copes with being called weak by slaughtering those who can't even fight back properly
>got buck broken by Shadow so hard he hides his face with some shitty mask because it makes him look cool, he doesn't even need it to use his powers
>sold out his friends to join Eggman because some red gem made him briefly hallucinate

 

[Ayana Otonashi]

[Lolcow/Internet Tough Guy] Makoto Hanuma / Chairman of the Pandemonium Society
Fascist LARPer and the Disciplinary Committee's biggest a-log. Hosted a trainwreck party, Totally a glorious leader (trust me)

>Initially a 10-25 page thred until she finds out and tries to get Null to take it down, threatening him a lot in the process, leading it to skyrocket to at least 200 pages
>The Pandemonium Society Festival would be dogged on in a similar manner to Dashcon
>her unhinged rants about Hina and the Disciplinary Committee would become copypasta material
>other Gehenna students would post stupid shit she has done in the name of attention
>also did I mention she has zero self awareness