Fictional Characters who would deserve their own threads? - Just like the other thread.

[The Lawgiver]

The first time he kisses a girl he dies

Don't forget the best/worst part about that
The girl is more than likely if not definitely genetically related to him.
due to being the secret grandaughter of the main bad guy that's implied to have force projected his sploodge into some random slave woman as some part of his masters research about making life and achieving immortality.

 

[Gangstalker #32194]

 

[Return of the Freaker]

View attachment 5319743
Itou Kaiji.

• Engages in reckless behavior
• Would steal emblems from luxury cars
• Always seems to attract fellow losers and dregs of society
• To outsiders, looks like a gambling addicted maniac
• Habit of crying
• A lot of the people that he ends up crossing paths with run the chance of being alogs who have cowish traits of their own

In some aspects, he is like the anime version of our beloved Bossmanjack.

Kaiji's thread would have lots of A&N/Deep Thoughts crossover given the illuminati tier people he keeps crossing paths with, narrowly avoiding being a human trafficking stat once only to be stuck in slavery building a bunker for an elite banker. And don't tell me nobody would notice all those dudes falling from the Teiai building

 

[Mary the Goldsmith]

I feel like Big Boss would have a thread as a politicow

 

[Tenshi Eating A Corn Dog!]

Yukari Yakumo from Touhou Project- Gap Hag who stalks the residents of the land of Gensokyo with her powers to manipulate boundaries. She is often asleep all day and there's evidence of her being an animal abuser. If anyhting, she would be the one posting often on Kiwifarms.

I'm pretty sure almost everyone from the Touhou Project could be part of one big Community Watch thread.

 

[Mysterious Girlfriend X]

Dr. Forrester from MST3K.

 

[Tenshi Eating A Corn Dog!]

Dr. Forrester from MST3K.
View attachment 5809303

I get the feeling the theoretical MST3K threads would follow the exact same quality arc of the show, with Forester and T.V.'s Frank fucking with Joel, Mike and the bots being considered the golden age followed up by Pearl and her goons and Mike. The rest won't get talked about nearly as much.

 

[Alexander Thaut]

Tony Stark circa the Civil War comics era and everything that happened up to Dark Reign.

It's a very long list that amounts to "you overreacted."

Also, any and every leader of the X-Men and related groups.

 

[Inside your walls]

The Eltingville geek club would definitely have a thread here.

They are a group of impulsive autists fixated on geek culture that display the classical lolcow
traits such as inability to take criticism and change for the better, acting superior/condescending
towards people that aren't familiar with geek culture. They also have public meltdowns which
leads to them into trouble.

While their thread would focus on their group overall, the main milk would come from Bill and Josh constantly fighting with one another that would lead to those aforementioned public meltdowns. I imagine that their thread would be very basic at the beginning, only for people from the town this group is based in to start creating accounts and a-log write about their experiences dealing with them. Some would probably include their pictures and videos of the group having public meltdowns to prove they're not making stuff up.

Eventually the group itself would make sock accounts to try defend themselves, only for Bill and Josh to start a-logging each other in the thread and completely derailing it until they are thread banned. All of them then move to multimedia section of the Farms, where they act like condescending dick heads to people discussing media there, until again the thread is derailed by all of them a-logging each other again and gets so bad that Null has to ban them all.

 

[Yamamura]

Pretty much the entire Wilkerson family from Malcom in the Middle.

 

[Irredemable Retardation]

Because of the genre's usual nature, many characters in romance visual novels enter in lolcow territory, but the josei/female oriented ones take the cake
This motherfucker as an example: (Information taken from Villains Wiki)

>Protagonist talks about how he "looks like a doll", is and acts "cuter than any girl (exactly, it's a man)
>Has a suspicious troon voice
>Acts "cute" and lovebombs the protagonist, but it's like a grooming PSA, with barely hidden sexual harassment and in spite of falling for him she finds suspicious how his main motivation to do anything is getting inside her pants
>Pretends to be his twin brother and fakes a rape attempt to manipulate her into hating him
>Constantly does passive agressive comments about everyone, but specially his brother when alone with the protagonist
>When trying to confort the protagonist, he accidentally let his love for executions slip out, scaring her
>Throws away his supposedly "precious" flower because it "finished it's role" (allowing him to fuck her) This creeps the protagonist out a lot and she flees his room, but he catches her in the woods and fucks her into submission.
>Afterwards, she talks with his brother, and this was enough for him to drug and rape her again in his room
>explains that his motivation is the protagonist not being able to tell the difference between him and the twin brother in an anime villain monologue (he even drops the troon voice during it)
>In his brother's route and a certain part of his own he risks causing damage to the setting just so he can have the protagonist, holds another guy hostage, and on the bad endings he can rape her in front of the brother out of spite, brainwash him into doing it together, commit mass murder, or even dimensional destruction.
>In spite of his main objective being having he protagonist for himself, he enjoys causing suffering to others, including his own brother.
>Has spergouts whenever something fails, blaming others for his "suffering"

Due to the petty reasons and level of crimes the thread would be a warzone filled with A&N people, debates if it should be on Lolcows or Stinkditch, and screenshots of white knights from the alphabet community.

 

[Miriam Margoyles]

Jesus is kind of a lolcow if you really think about it

I went to a religious school when I was a child and this was how literally every assembly used to start.

"I had a boiled egg this morning and, in many ways, Jesus is a lot like that boiled egg..."

 

[Return of the Freaker]

"I had a boiled egg this morning and, in many ways, Jesus is a lot like that boiled egg..."

Random.txt

 

[Miriam Margoyles]

My friend and I were talking about The Wind In The Willows today and it became apparent to me that Mr. Toad would probably qualify as a lolcow.

• Unemployed, unmarried, layabout failson of incredibly wealthy, respected landowner
• Faddy and prone to obsessions - boating, caravans, motor cars
• Egotistical with an unwarranted sense of his own self-importance
• Prone to irrational behaviour
• Criminal - steals a car, assaults a police officer, breaks out of prison
• Engages in crossdressing (although, admittedly, more as a means of escaping from prison rather than for the Coom)
• Hugbox of similarly unemployed, unmarried layabouts enable his behaviour (except for Badger, who does call him out for embarrassing the name of his late father)

 

[Cedric_Eff]

Athrun Zala from Gundam SEED.

Kira Yamato from Gundam SEED.

Lacus Clyne from Gundam SEED.

Shoot, 90% of Gundam SEED can get a thread. Like the Boosted Men or the Extended.

 

[Miriam Margoyles]

Recent discussion of The Wasp Factory by Iain Banks in the Rowling Derangement Syndrome thread has made me think Frank would probably qualify as a horrorcow, if anybody knew about her.

As well as being Scottish (ew!), she's also a deranged pooner who delights in torturing small animals and obsesses over weird, autistic rituals surrounding that past time.

Spoiler: Spoiler for further sperging about why I don't like The Wasp Factory

I don't think she's a terribly realistic portrayal of a damaged girl, personally. I know you could argue that that's the point, that Frank believes she is a boy and the reality of her sex isn't revealed until the end of the book, but even so, female psychology doesn't work like that - zoosadism is not really something it occurs to girls to do, and the only women that are involved in that nasty little scene are there because they're being paid.

Being cruel to animals is a common trait in boys, but a girl in Frank's situation would probably just develop an eating disorder, self-harm and rot away in her bed.

 

[Norbit from Norbit]

I feel like if Duke Nukem was a real person he'd very much be like a Ethan ralph/fed smoker hybrid

 

[Wot Zit Too Yah0996]

Venom. Hilariously dark sense of humour. Has a morbidly funny rivalry with Spidey, and also had likely literally millions of hosts throughout his many millions of years of existence.

And, Cosmic Ghost Rider (Punisher), to throw another one out there. He goes back in time, adopts baby Thanos, and spends thousands of years trying to prevent him from becoming a Universal threat... which doesn't quite work (the rest of it is quite bleak). There's a comic panel where Thanos is decked out in Frank's old outfit, as well:



(@Miriam Margoyles Mr Toad is more or less Keith Floyd, but without any wit, charisma, or culinary talent. I'm using brackets 'cos I didn't want people to associate this separate comment with the one above. By the way, I like Scottish women, but I can barely tolerate the blokes. The majority can fuck off. I feel the same way about Australian, and South African chicks, too, as two other examples)

(@The Lawgiver That reminds me, as I'm a massive mythology geek: In Norse mythology, depending on whichever version, Baldur's father-in-law is supposed to be one of the at least several Sons of Odin. Whether he's illegitimate or not isn't said. Anyway, that makes his wife his niece, even though they were probably teenagers, and roughly the same age when they married (based off the Ancient/Old Norse/Viking way of life). Greek mythology has at least three examples I can think of:

1.) Perseus was Hercules' great-great grandfather on his mother's side. Both Perseus and Hercules' mums were knocked up Zeus.

2.) Hades married his niece, Persephone. She was a daughter of Demeter (one of Zeus' sisters. Hera was his sister, too, 'cos, the Olympians, like with the early Titans, that's how they produced more "pure-blooded" members of their people) and Zeus... again.


3.) Poseidon knocked up Demeter, as well, and the result was a talking horse.)

 

[levin88]

Ezekiel from total drama. Regular lolcow in the beginning and horrorcow/Cyraxx in world tour and beyond

 

[vomitusdeux]

steven universe's gay dad
- exposes his child to pure degeneracy because muh parents were strict and i'd rather see you traumatized than held back
- despite becoming a literal multimillionaire he chooses to continue to live in a van because he is a deadbeat and retarded and it allows him to continue to shirk any responsibility like the retarded man child he is
- literally changed his last name to Universe from Demayo like a sperg
- hobo rock star that never sought to change his life in any way shape or form and is content being a lazy piece of shit
- his son literally had to give him housing accommodation despite being a multimillionaire
- literally FUSES with his fucking son after we've kind of seen it as an allegory for intimacy for the entire 6 something seasons before the movie
- gave up his career for a fat narcissistic space rock and literally starves himself from poverty from bumming around with her (We visually see him eat a hot dog out of the garbage because he's too poor for a hot dog)
- barely ever acts like a father to his son, more like a retarded deadbeat friend
- has literally never even taken his son to a hospital before
- fat
- exposes his 14 year old son to his giantess fetish when finding blue diamond