Olympics trigger me so fucking much (TW suicide)
right now i'm a 21yo failure, but it wasn't always like that - most of my life was dedicated to sports. my parents were olympians, although in a different sport, my country was always one of the best in my sport, since a very young age i was training in a facility that raised all of the olympians and medalists of my country, and i was fucking good at it. i was the best in the female team and second-best mixed. it was fucking obvious that i'm going to the olympics, and i was trained specifically for that from the very beginning. but when i hit the required age and actual qualifications began, and the possibility of the olympics became very real, i already was out as trans and socially transitioned mostly.
And i never made it, i quit because the thought that the whole world will see and know me in the wrong gender made me attempt suicide. i was so fucking sad and angry and bitter. if pre-t, pre fucking everything i was already better than the most cis male athletes, then why the fuck couldn't i compete as one? and when i left sports i had nothing else in my life. my sense of self and self-worth was shattered, i didn't know what i am and what i do anymore.
i've never even been to a regular school before, you go to a special school if you're a pro athlete, and it's nothing like normal schools. my academics were good, but i was constantly tired and confused, i had no friends and i was bullied a lot for being so awkward and, yes, trans. as transphobic in its essence as sports are, i've never encountered direct transphobia before. never been bullied, misgendered by peers and coaches, called slurs. but in the "real world" it was my whole life, every day.
because of that my mental health got worse, i graduated high school from the 3rd try because i've developed a really bad social anxiety and just couldn't leave the house for the exams. never got any higher education because i couldn't leave the house for classes. now i'm kinda ok, on t, post-op, pass all the time and can go outside and do some basic life stuff. i even have some things that i like doing, but i'm not nearly as good in them as i was in my sports and i don't love them nearly as much. i still have a long journey to go through before i can do something like get a job or make friends, and i just can't get over the fact that not being cis ruined my whole fucking life.