[INTRO: Evening. A private member's club that's playing a restaurant unconvincingly. The camera pans over to reveal FAY (Morgana Ignis) sat alone at a table]
THE WAITER walks over impatiently and pulls out a pen and order pad.
Fay (meekly): I'm sure she'll be here any minute.
The waiter stroppily slams his order pad shut and walks off.
Cut to phone. Fay has been texting someone called MARCY. The last text Fay sent says "I think she seriously needs help". Marcy has relied "That doesn't mean you can yell. You scare me when you get like that. I need to know if this is about her". Another text comes in "Or you and D.?". VAMP beings texting back in all caps "DON'T YOU ACT LIKE"
BELLADONNA (looming over table): Fay.
Fay: Oh, fuck.
Bella: (giggles in an unhinged way) Hey bitch! [they hug]
Bella: Oh my god, I'm so hungry! Also hungover. Pfft!
Fay: Yeah?
Bella: It's been crazy.
[CUT to party party. Breakdown by Tessa Violet starts playing, a completely mediocre edl song]
Bella (voiceover): Women in L.A. are disgusting. With their plastic and fillers and BBLs and hip sculpting. Frankensteins. But the men... [Bella at pool party looks sullen, but then locks eyes with UNNAMED BLACK GUY, who smiles at her]...are so nice.
Black guy (who is noticeably shorter than Bella): Hey girl. I haven't seen you around here before. What's your name?
Bella: Belladonna. [Cut to Bella straddling him in a bedroom and making out. The straps on the back of Bella's dress are too tight, causing the flesh to bunch] He says the most romantic things.
Black guy: Wanna do a line off my cock? [Black guy snorts a line off a mirror, then goes back to making out]
Bella: He tells me...[while black guy lipsyncs] "You're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen". And I... [cut to Bella vamping out] I bit his neck and drank his blood and dumped him in the fucking pool!
[Cut back to restaurant. Fay looks unimpressed while Bella cackles]
Fay: Well, um, it's great to see you. What made you decide to reach out?
Bella: [closeup of Bella subtly shoving a purse under the table with a hideous high heel] It's my last night in town! [Fay takes her hand]
Fay: I'm really glad you did.
Bella: [looks faux-moved] Fag. [laughs loudly] I'm kidding!
Waiter: Alright, good to see you finally joined us. Can I get you started with any, uh... [the waiter seems slightly taken aback by Bella and clears his throat, looking nervous] Can I get you started with any drinks?
Bella: Yes please, let's get a pitcher of strawberry margaritas.
Waiter: [recovering composure] Alright, two glasses?
Bella: Yeah
Fay: Just one, thanks.
Bella: Boo! (to the Waiter) Ugh, more for me. (They share a look of amusement)
Waiter (to Fay): And what about you, would you like to take a look at our wine list here?
Fay: Tap water, thank you.
Waiter: Alrighty, tap water it is. (Bella watches the waiter walk off, smiling).
Fay (sighing): What made you decide to pick this place?
Bella: I saw something tasty. (cut to waiter serving someone else)
Fay: I didn't think it was your style. Honestly, this place reminds me of Vladimir.
Bella (snaps head around to look at Fay): You mean... Didi? You never used to use his full name.
Fay: Is he in town?
Bella: Why? (beat) He's in Rome. We're expanding the modelling agency again! He sent me here to hunt for talent.
Fay: (sarcastically) So he has you doing my old job, scouting girls.
Bella: Actually, I am his executive assistant. I handle all of his personal needs, which includes both calendar and dick [guffaws]
Fay: So you two are still together then... and is this [gestures at Bella's hideous outfit] what's new in the fashion world?
Bella: (primping) Mmh, Didi picked it. You know if you need new clothes, I can ask Didi for the hookup. I'm sure he would love to dress you again.
Fay: (exasperated) I'm good.
Bella: (pulls a face) Business is going really great since you... left. We're sending girls out to Gucci and Prada and Balenciaga and Carbonara, you name it.
Fay: Great.
Bella: Oh don't be jealous. Didi and I are in love. I know that probably sucks for you, but given how things ended, it seems like you just weren't the best fit. Some people are friends with their exes.
[lights suddenly shift]
Fay: My ex is Count Dracula. [lights go back to normal]
Waiter: Alright we've got one pitcher of strawberry margarita (smiles and charms) and uh... one tap water (puts down derisively). Can I interest you ladies in anything to eat? (Weird flirtatious eye contact between Bella and the waiter)
Fay: Uh yeah, can I get a burger?
Waiter: The oak smoked California hickory burger. How would you like that cooked?
Fay: Rare.
Bella: We like it bloody. (more flirtatious eye contact)
Fay: ...and can I get a side of fries with that?
Waiter: (derisively) We serve organic chipped potatoes, twice cooked with our house spice.
Fay: Is that fries or...
Waiter: (fed up) It's like fries, yeah.
Fay: It's fine, thank you.
Waiter: (flirty) And uh, anything for you, miss?
Bella: I'll just stick with margaritas.
Waiter: (pouring margarita) Really? You're not going to have anything to eat?
Bella: (doing a poor Phoebe Waller-Bridge impersonation, smiling with gums) Not yet.
Waiter: (smiling at Bella) Alright. I'll just take these (removes trays and menus)
Bella: (spying the waiter's name badge) Alexander! Oh, like Alexander the Great. (waiter chuckles) Have you conquered anything lately?
Waiter: Just dishes. (Bella bursts into completely unhinged laughter, causing people to look round and Fay to look disgusted) Y'know, trying to wash 'em.
Bella: (shrieking and honking) Oh my God, you're so funny. (Waiter is the only person in the room to seem charmed by this)
Waiter: Thank you, I'll be right back with your order. (Bella gets a text and starts swiping on her phone.)
Fay: (somewhat sarcastically) I'm sorry if I seemed jealous. (Bella shrugs) I'm glad you two are happy. (Bella is smiling at her phone and swiping more) We don't have to talk about Didi. Obviously you've been through some... other changes since last I saw you.
Bella: (looking up) Oh yeah! I'm a vampire. You know I never would have guessed that you were. All the months that we worked together, you just seemed kind of... average.
Fay: It's not good to go broadcasting it.
Bella: Didi said when he saw me for the first time, he wanted to spend eternity with me.
Fay: He said that, did he? (Bella goes Mmhmm) How are you feeling?
Bella: Oh! So good.
Fay: (raising a glass. I'd say sarcastically but everything seems to be sarcastic) To living our best lives.
Bella: To living our best undeaths! (Bella downs the entire frozen margarita and pours another one)
Fay: So how are you liking L.A.?
Bella: Oh, loving it!
Fay: That's pretty cool. And we have a whole community going out here. (Bella chugs the margarita) I'm living in Silver Lake with two werewolf girls.
Bella: What's that like?
[cutaway to Fay pulling a giant wad of hair out of her bathroom sink's plughole]
Fay: It's... cool. And Hollywood is full of vampires. A lot of the younger ones move here because they like to party. Stereotype, I know.
Bella: Well we're living to the end of human civilisation. We might as well enjoy it.
Fay: Right, you know, climate change.
Bella: When they go, we go.
Fay: Yeah, but some of us have been around longer. You see things differently when you've been dead a while. I'm actually trying to start a business out here to provide therapy for people like us. The monster community has unique emotional needs. Like... I've got these two friends, right? They're mummies. They were trapped in a sarcophagus for 2,000 years. They have to stay together or else they turn to sand, but the romance is dead because there's nothing left to talk about.
Bella: So you're trying to be a supernatural counsellor? (derisively) Cute.
Fay: Yeah, and it's important. (Bella derisively mock-agrees) You want to know something crazy I learned recently? The average life expectancy for vampires after we're bit is only ten years. Yeah. Our suicide rate is like double the human population. (Bella starts laughing) Trauma, addiction, loneliness. When you really think about it, vampirism is like a really advanced eating disorder.
Bella: It's the good kind of eating disorder, though. The kind that makes you hot. Ha!
Fay:...yeah.
Bella: (smarmy) Do you miss being with Didi?
Fay: I'm with someone new.
Bella: ...oh. Look at you. Cougar on the prowl.
Fay: I'm 134 years old. I'm a little past cougar status, don't you think?
Bella: Who's the lucky guy?
Fay: Girl.
Bella: Is she hot? (giggles)
Fay shows Bella her lock screen. It's Fay and Marcy kissing
Fay: Valentines Day.
Bella: (grabs phone) Is she human?!
Fay: Oh- I'm not (disgusted) drinking her blood. We're adopting a kitten. It needs to live in her place, I can't have cats in mine, because, you know... werewolves. (Bella pulls a face) What? You prefer puppies? You should meet my roommates.
Bella: I think any animal is like (laughing) why would you pick up something's shit?
Fay: Love?
Bella: Animals can't feel love. They pretend to like you so you feed them. Like strippers! I guess you must miss him.
Fay: (annoyed) Are you doing okay?
Bella: I'm doing great.
Fay: It's just that when you texted me, you sounded upset.
Bella: I was probably high. I've eaten a lot of people who were on drugs.
Fay: You told me you were going to kill yourself.
Bella: (goes quiet) We were supposed to go to Rome together. Instead he's there with one of his new models. It's just a business thing.
Fay: Why Rome?
Bella: He picked it? We... had a fight. I bought a dress; I used his card. I have it for work but I didn't think he'd be monitoring me. I wanted it to be a surprise and I thought it was elegant, but... it was inappropriate. It was white.
Fay: Does he always tell you what to wear?
Bella: Well... it is his money. I can't just buy my own clothes.
Fay: You can't?
Bella: Didi doesn't like going clothes shopping unless he's choosing.
Fay: Okay, so go without him.
Bella: If I leave him on his own, he gets upset. He doesn't like not knowing where I am. It's a protective thing.
Fay: Can't you go with friends?
Bella: Didi doesn't like them.
Fay: Okay, so you can't see your friends with him, and you can't see your friends without him.
Bella: You're making it sound worse than it is.
Fay: Does he ever try to bite your friends? Does he?
Bella: No! He knows not to do that now.
Fay: I will take you clothes shopping. You can choose the clothes.
Bella: (choking up) He... he... cut off my cards.
Fay: Where are you staying?
Bella: With guys. L.A. is full of them.
Fay: Do you think that maybe, Didi-
Bella: I love him. He has been so good to me. He gave me a job. And he gave me money. And he made me this.
Fay: Do you think that Didi loves you back?
Bella: Of course he does! The fight was my fault, we'll get through it. I'm ride or die. And we're gonna live forever, so... ride.
[Cut to restaurant bathroom. Bella sets up a phone in selfie mode, because the mirror doesn't reflect her]
Fay: You have really changed.
Bella: (applying makeup) I'm using this new lip plumper Didi bought me. You should really get some.
Fay: Are you a feminist or...
Bella: Absolutely. Women should have all the money. I don't have a problem with men. Alexander seems fun. Do people even have sex under feminism?
Fay: Me and Marcy have sex.
Bella: Yeah, girl on girl, but I mean like - SEX. Have you ever done choking?
Fay: No!
Bella: Oh my God, it's so hot. Didi's super into it.
Fay: Yeah, no, I remember.
Bella: He's been getting me to call him "master". Unf. He got me in this tight little schoolgirl outfit-
Fay: You don't think it says something about him that he gets off on controlling women?
Bella: Oh fuck off.
Fay: Hey!
Bella: I don't wanna take a feminist consciousness raising class from you, Catharine MacKinnon - cause then I won't be able to get railed by my Didi Daddy!
(older woman walks out of toilet cubicle looking disgusted and storms off)
Fay: So. He controls where you go, what you wear, your friends, your sex, he gaslights you-
Bella: He does not gaslight me! Disengage your lesbian feminist therapist brain. He doesn't show love the way a human would. He speaks every language and he's been everywhere. I barely remember 9/11. He remembers the last twenty 9/11s. It would be naieve of me to expect him to love me like a human. Maybe that's where you went wrong.
Fay storms off, then gets her phone out of her handbag. She opens it to her old texts with Dracula
In the background Bella is on her phone and beaming. Reveal her phone:
Bella's smile fades into a look of resolve.
[cut back to restaurant]
Waiter: Alright! (Bella is zoned out) We have one California oak smoked hickory burger, rare, with the chipped potatoes.
Fay: Can I get some ketchup with this?
Waiter: (grumpy) You can.
Fay: (eating burger) Mmmm. (Bella looks upset)
Bella: (disgusted) How can you eat that shit?
Fay: Human food has gotten so much better. When I was a kid, we had beets, oats and... beets. Oh wow. Yeah he wasn't kidding, this is fucking amazing. (Offers it to Bella, who shudders) Carbs are bad for you, but they leave me feeling full, you know? Satisified.
Bella: You are the world's weirdest vampire.
Fay: What if I was human?
Bella: (lights shift, and Bella's voice gets a weird demon effect) I would drain every drop of perfect blood from your delicious fucking body. (Lights go back to normal and they both laugh) Ha! I'm kidding. I don't bite women. Not that there's anything wrong with it... I don't think you turn into a human from eating carbs. Although you might turn into a whale.
Waiter: (puts ketchup on the table and turns to Bella) You sure I can't get you anything? Another margarita? On the house!
Bella: Ooh, you gonna join me?
Waiter: (chuckles nervously) My shift's over soon. Maybe after I get off?
Bella: Oooh, sounds fun! You wanna fill me up? (slides empty margarita pitcher over)
Waiter: (bashful) Uh, yeah. (walks off with pitcher)
Fay: Don't eat the waiter.
Bella: I'm not gonna eat him. Just drink his blood. Maybe some of his other fluids.
Fay: Does Didi know you sleep with other men?
Bella: Yeah! We have a deal. I only let them fuck me in the mouth and pussy.
Fay: (shuddering) Don't drink the waiter's blood.
Bella: Why?
Fay: He's using it! Order a salad. We shouldn't drink people's blood anyway. It's not good for them. Or us.
Bella: Everybody drinks somebody's blood. He bleeds customers for tips. His boss bleeds him for shitty wages. Children feed on their parents. Children LITERALLY feed on their parents! They be sucking at the titty! That's same shit different colour. Old people feed on the government. Women feed on men for money, and men feed on women for sex.
Fay: You sound like Dracula.
Bella: Well yeah! He's right.
Fay: When you drink blood, what do you get out of it? Do you like the taste?
Bella: Depends what they've been eating. (smirks) It's everything. I like the noises that they make. I like the way they wriggle and go all tense. There's two kinds of men; there's the ones who think they're Mr Big Dick, like the guy from last night, and they're fun because they underestimate you. But then... there's the real treats. Watch this.
(Waiter comes over with pitcher)
Waiter: I just wanted to say, that outfit is incredible.
Bella: Oh thank you! I look even better without it.
Waiter: Well um, well uh (Fay is entranced by the waiter's neck vein throbbing) I'll leave you to it. (walks off)
Bella: (to Fay) Between the two of us, we could rock his shit - and he'd love every second. There's nothing like it. You take something soft and sweet and you just-
Fay: Hurt them?
Bella: No. Consume. You take something beautiful and bring part of it into yourself and it's like you get to become beautiful.
Fay: Beautiful.
Bella: Good. You get to become good.
Fay: You don't think you're good now?
Bella: (pauses, but then puts on a smile) No! Obviously. I'm a blood sucking leech!
Fay: Some vampires use that word ironically.
Bella: I'm reclaiming it.
Fay: I'm just saying it might mask some genuine insecurity.
Bella: Don't therapy me! I like being a leechy bitch! Unnnh! Give me that plasma daddy! Uunnh! Make my chinny all red! Oh, guys love sexy baby voice. I bet you Alexander likes it.
Fay: You're advertising yourself as controllable.
Bella: Well, when I drink his blood (shouting - people look round) WHILE HE NUTS INSIDE ME, we'll see who's in control.
Fay: Not you!
Bella: Oh my gosh, I know what I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like (shouting - people look round in disgust) I'VE NEVER GOTTEN A FACIAL BEFORE BUT I'VE ALWAYS REALLY WANTED ONE!
Fay: (hissing) Jesus!
Bella: Did you know that when you're angry, you're actually kind of hot?
Fay: Stop.
Bella: Uunnh, but you're making me so wet.
Fay: Fucking childish, Belle!
Bella: Well what are you going to do, are you going to punish me, mummy?
Fay: ENOUGH!
Bella: (does a weird seal honking noise) No wonder you and Didi broke up.
Fay: We broke up because Didi only loves himself. And because he likes to fuck little sluts like you.
Bella: Yeah, he does. Uunnh. Aaaanh!
Fay: Stop.
Bella: AAAANNNH!
Fay: Stop. It.
Bella: (continues to have a theatrically loud fake orgasm while the other diners all look over in disgust) Ffffuck... Didi... (Fay slaps Bella across the face)
Fay: That was extreme. But can you understand, if you weren't listening, why I might act in a way that seemed extreme (Bella is beaming) given the big emotions I was feeling in the moment?
Bella: Guess who you sound like.
Fay: I came here to help you.
Bella: If you really want to help, you can give me a ride to the airport.
Fay: Don't think he loves you.
Bella: He's already paid for the ticket. First class, all the way to Rome. (reaches into handbag and pulls out a present wrapped in black) He sent this for you.
Fay unwraps a book entitled "How To Be Less Toxic: A Guide For Healthier Relationships". On the front page Dracula has written "To Fay, I'll always remember our time in Rome! Didi xxx"
Bella: (looking concerned) What does that mean? (Bella tries to grab the book but Fay grabs it back and stands up. Bella vampire hisses.) Why don't you sit. down. and finish your carbs?
Fay: Have them. You look like you should eat something (storms off)
Bella: (to herself, looking at the waiter) Maybe I will.
[cut to restaurant bathroom. Fay is angrily crying, ripping pages out of the book and putting them in the bathroom sink. She rips out the page Dracula wrote on and flushes it down the toilet. Suddenly she undoes her neck scarf and looks at the old bite mark on her neck in the bathroom mirror, and then touches her reflection. Cut back to restaurant bar, where Bella is groping the waiter's arm]
Bella: Oh my gosh, you're so strong!
Waiter: Thanks, I've been working out here at the restaurant.
Bella: Really?
Waiter: Yeah. I lift chairs and stuff all the time. (Bella giggles)
Fay: (rudely inserting herself between the two) Hey... can I see a dessert menu?
Waiter: (picking up a menu and handing it to her) You can.
Fay: (quickly glancing) I will have a... chocolate volcano cake.
Waiter: That takes a very long time to prepare.
Fay: Perfect.
Waiter: (to Bella) And for you, can I get you anything? (Bella shakes head) Really, you don't want anything from the dessert menu?
Bella: You don't think I'm sweet enough?
Fay: (in the Waiter's face) Thanks. (He heads off. Bella snickers. Cut to them at table). I have to tell you something big.
Bella: (putting phone down in faux-horror) Oh my God, you're in love with me. Oh, oh, I fucking knew it.
Fay: I'm human.
Bella: You mean metaphorically?
Fay: I'm changing back into a human. Or... trying to. I haven't had blood in almost a year. I got therapy, ended up in a healthy relationship that I don't deserve-
Bella: But do you still want blood?
Fay: Yes! All the time! But, it's good. I go where I want, I dress how I want, I'm my own person. And you want to know something? I have a reflection again.
Bella: How can you stand seeing yourself all the time?
Fay: I like what I see.
Bella: But you'll age!
Fay: And, I'm adopting a kitten with the love of my life!
Bella: But you can't have blood!
Fay: I make my own. Look. (Opens phone to show Dracula text) Look at this, all from him. Don't you get it? Girl, you have got to get out of this. Not just the relationship, all of it. Before you end up dead inside like he is.
Bella: Are you really human? (Fay nods. The lights change and Bella gets demon voice again and grabs Fay) YOU WENT BEHIND MY BACK!
Fay: You don't bite women!
Bella: BUT I LOVE HAVING OLD FRIENDS FOR DINNER! Me and Didi are going to be so happy together once you're dead. (swipes a nail across Fay's neck and goes to feed, or something, I don't really know - there's no wound or blood)
Fay: Do you really love him?
Bella: Yes!
Fay: Then why are you afraid of him?
Bella: (pauses) He's Dracula. Everyone's afraid of him.
Fay: You're not supposed to be afraid of the person you love. He changed, right? He was sweet in the beginning and then he got mean, and now you want the nice guy back. It's not your fault. He did the same to me. Let me help you.
Bella: Don't touch me! (minces off)
Waiter: (awkwardly walks out holding a chocolate lava cake covered in sparklers) Uh... tada?
[Bella runs into toilet cubicle and sits on toilet rocking. Dracula texts to ask "Did you give the gift". Bella replies yep and Dracula texts back with the ticket to Rome and says he's unblocked her cards. Bella gushes via text over how much she loves "master". Dracula reacts to the message with a thumbs up and Bella looks forlorn. Cut back to Fay leaning against the bar, where she hisses at the woman from the toilet earlier]
Waiter: Hey, um, is your friend doing alright?
Fay: (annoyed) Yeah. (beat) No. She had a fight with her boyfriend.
Waiter: Oh damn, that's uh, that's too bad. Hey, uh, have a spectacular night, huh?
Fay: (walking off, leaving a big tip) You too.
[Bella pulls up her sleeve to inspect some weird wounds on her arm, winces at them and covers them back up. She looks at the lack of reflection in the mirror. She rushes back out]
Waiter: Oh hey, you forgot this (handing her something)
Bella: I don't need it-
Waiter: No, no, you should really take it. (Bella unfolds it to reveal his phone number) I think you are so pretty... (camera pans away as he screams and blood splashes on the chocolate lava cake)
Cut to outside. Fay is vaping Bella staggers out covered in blood
Bella: Is that shit any good?
Fay: It's bad for you... but, that's kinda why it's good. Jean-Paul Sartre once said that giving up smoking was like giving up the world. When you go to the theatre, you'd smoke during the intermission. After sex, you'd smoke in bed. When you'd go out to a restaurant, you'd smoke before dessert. So, when you think about it, it wasn't really giving up smoking. It was giving up everything. (Fay hugs Bella)
Bella: You're warm (chuckles)
Fay: If you need anything, call me, okay? Promise. (Bella nods. An uber pulls up and Fay gets in). Don't get on that plane!
DAVE WISKUS MAKING A CAMEO AS AN UBER DRIVER: Is your friend okay? (Fay says nothing and shuts the door. She erases her unfinished text to Marcy and replaces it with "I'm sorry I yelled". Bella waves the car off and then looks at the camera)
