Tess Holliday / Ryann Maegen Hoven - Beached Landwhale model, Body positive and social justice snacktivist, and gigantic fraud

How much does Ryann weigh?

  • 300-350lbs (Panda Bear)

    Votes: 26 1.0%
  • 350-400lbs (Bull Caribou)

    Votes: 146 5.5%
  • 400-450lbs (Heart of a Blue Whale)

    Votes: 379 14.2%
  • 450-500lbs (Pigmy Hippo)

    Votes: 545 20.5%
  • 500-550lbs (Domestic Pig)

    Votes: 394 14.8%
  • 550-600lbs (Baby Grand Piano)

    Votes: 318 12.0%
  • 600-650lbs (Vending Machine)

    Votes: 192 7.2%
  • 650+ (A Fucking Planet)

    Votes: 661 24.8%

  • Total voters
    2,661
Tess dependa arc incoming? I think that would fit her personality and girth perfectly.
She's too old, and too fat. The recruits and young soldiers are her oldest son's age.

The successful dependapotomus hooks the solder when he's blind drunk, and she hasn't exceeded two bills yet. Her true form only emerges after the birth of several child support checks / TriCare recipients.

Tess is about to turn 40 and hasn't weighed less than two bills since she got pregnant with Rylee.
 
Why is she referring to Chaka Khan? I watched the video wondering if she was talking about chakras but it clearly sounded like Chaka Khan.
I think somebody she wants to impress is a fan of Chaka Khan, so she's signalling. Every time she brings up an artist, or anything else, that is from before her time, that nobody else in her age group is into, I automatically assume it's because somebody cooler than her has talked about liking it, and she's picked up on it in the hope of scoring cool pounts with that person.

Tess is a follower of what others have determined is cool, not a rediscoverer and reviver of cool things from the past. So I'm curious who, exactly has her stanning (however fleetingly) for Chaka Khan.

That said, Tess, Chaka is not your Magical Negress, nor is she your Mammy. Grow up and straighten your own shit out, gorl.
 
Tess is fat ass err I mean flat ass broke if she’s trying to sell everything. In true Tubbers fashion, everything is going to be obscenely overpriced because she desperately needs the money plus she’s a famous supermodel. Therefore everything is going to command a premium. Will be funny if nobody buys anything from her because of how overpriced or tacky her shit is.
 
Tess is fat ass err I mean flat ass broke if she’s trying to sell everything.
I'll be fair, and say that I'm sure she accumulated a lot of clothes during her heyday, all of which she has since out-fatted (assuming it fit in the first place). Maybe she's finally faced the fact that she's never going to lose the weight in order to wear any of it ever again, and decided to let it go.

Nah—who am I kidding? This is Tess, and she's broke AF.

I wonder if either of the strawberry dresses (the "iconic" pink and the never-seen-on-Tess black one) will be part of the sale? Because I think her selling the pink strawberry dress would be the best indicator for how desperate she is.
 
Wow she's so out of breath just walking around
Here's the number one rule of moving, from someone who has done it in excess of twenty times: if you have enough excess stuff to fill a storage unit, you have too much stuff. Sell it if you can, but don't bank on it. Be ready to donate or trash anything you can't bring with you into the new place. Don't get into the total cash suck of paying to store shit you clearly do not need. True to her white trash roots, Tess is exactly the kind of sucker those self storage places live on.

Besides that, why didn't she call a locksmith once she was at the new place? Did she not hire movers? How late was it when she showed up that she couldn't go to Home Depot for a can of WD-40 for the stuck lock? Where is all her stuff that was supposed to be moved into the new place? She's clearly living on a wing and a prayer if she's doing all this shit last minute.

It's obvious that she's accustomed to being "rescued" by more competent people during big life changes, and she's astounded that no one came to rescue her this time around.
 
She sounds like she’s barely hanging on, the tantrum is riiiiight there waiting to burst out of her chest.

Where was Bowie while Tess was sleeping on a deflated air mattress? Poor kid. Moving is already a huge upheaval for a child and then on top of that to be forced to sleep on the floor while Mom has a total narc meltdown?

The “I’m selling everything,” could be a financial thing. But it could also be a personality disorder thing. I know many a BPD-bitch that tossed their whole life on the pyre in the midst of splitting or whatever the hell it’s called. “You can’t fire me, I quit! Also all my shit is in the dumpster and I’m moving to Kentucky to reinvent myself and find new suckers to leech from!” That kind of thing.
 
Besides that, why didn't she call a locksmith once she was at the new place? Did she not hire movers? How late was it when she showed up that she couldn't go to Home Depot for a can of WD-40 for the stuck lock? Where is all her stuff that was supposed to be moved into the new place? She's clearly living on a wing and a prayer if she's doing all this shit last minute.
It’s likely an electronic lock that you need a key fob to open. If it’s a key pad then they’re usually changed after each tenant vacates. It happens but also it’s Tess. She probably lost the fob.

Lol at the air mattress deflating on her. Don’t those things have weight limits?
 
It’s likely an electronic lock that you need a key fob to open
A modern locksmith also carries tools to to reprogram fobs, but they're less likely to do that without the daytime permission of the owner or property manager. But you're right, it could have been a lost of or bad key code.

Lol at the air mattress deflating on her
They do indeed have weight limits, and will deflate if you try to exceed them.

At her size, it probably sprung several leaks, so even keeping the pump motor going all night wasn't going to help.

Agreed with above: where the fuck was Bowie during this night of chaos? She didn't mention him. Maybe her ex boyfriend who raised Rylee agreed to take the younger kid for a day or two while the move was going on?
 
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Here's the number one rule of moving, from someone who has done it in excess of twenty times: if you have enough excess stuff to fill a storage unit, you have too much stuff. Sell it if you can, but don't bank on it. Be ready to donate or trash anything you can't bring with you into the new place. Don't get into the total cash suck of paying to store shit you clearly do not need. True to her white trash roots, Tess is exactly the kind of sucker those self storage places live on.
In Tess's case, I'm sure she views this move as a temporary thing and her sooper moddle career will take off again at any time now...
 
Besides that, why didn't she call a locksmith once she was at the new place?
Because landlords forbid tenants from tampering with the locks of their apartments, and it's part of the rental agreement that you won't do so.

So if your lock is old and janky, or whoever changed the tumblers fucked it up and your key doesn't work, you have to call the landlord to have it dealt with; you can't do it yourself. If you're renting from a large property management company, that might mean waiting until business hours the following day—or worse, Monday.

Did she not hire movers? How late was it when she showed up that she couldn't go to Home Depot for a can of WD-40 for the stuck lock?
LOL, as if a meat puppet like Tess would know what to do about a busted door lock or badly-cut key.

(BTW, don't use WD-40 inside a sticky lock; you want graphite, which will lubricate the lock without eventually gumming it up. Home Depot sells powdered graphite for that purpose, but in a pinch you can take a regular pencil, liberally scribble the graphite into all the grooves of the key, and use it as normal. Sometimes, that's enough to solve the problem. It works on squeaky door hinges, too; pry the pin out of the hinge, rub it all over with a pencil lead, and put it back in—no more squeaks. [/DIYfaggotry])

Where is all her stuff that was supposed to be moved into the new place? She's clearly living on a wing and a prayer if she's doing all this shit last minute.
If she couldn't get into her new place, and had movers with a truck full of her shit already there, she may have just put everything in storage until she could get the key situation sorted out.

That said, she was probably going to put a ton of shit in storage anyway, because she is totally the sort to accumulate a lot of stuff. Not a hoarder, but definitely pack-ratty, hanging on to stuff because it's either an enviable status object or a reminder of her heyday. She had an entire drawer full of unused lipsticks she'd been given in her living room, so just imagine all the other shit tucked away in various cabinets and closets.

And then there was the maximalist decor of her previous apartment, with so much stuff hanging on the walls—all of that had to go somewhere, and she's probably got box after box after box of it.

Storing your shit is expensive, so I think this is a temporary arrangement—from the sound of what she said in the TikTok video, she's going to be getting rid of it all, or at least most of it. But she had to get it all out of her old place by whatever deadline, and didn't have time to sell it, so into boxes and into storage it all went. (NGL, I've been there myself.)

Not only do I think her new place is smaller, I'm beginning to suspect it may be temporary, and that she knows she'll have to move again before long. Her sudden desire to purge herself of a lot of stuff may be a desperate cash grab, but she may also be facing the fact that she can't afford to keep storing it, and she's not going to live in a big enough place to allow her to keep it again. There's a real end-of-the-road feeling in the way she's been talking about this move, as if the hard reality of her situation—including its unlikelihood of improving in the future—is finally sinking in.

It'll be interesting to see what her new place is like, and where she ends up going from there.
 
Property management often has a number to respond to high priority matters outside of business hours like this but there’s usually a fee associated with that and since Tess is fat ass broke, likely can’t deal with yet another unplanned expense. That might cut into her Little Debbie and shitty press-on nail fund and that shit is just non-negotiable.
Agreed with above: where the fuck was Bowie during this night of chaos? She didn't mention him. Maybe her ex boyfriend who raised Rylee agreed to take the younger kid for a day or two while the move was going on?
Likely sitting in her car playing with a tablet.
It'll be interesting to see what her new place is like, and where she ends up going from there.
I expect her to share as little detail as possible because it’s going to be a large downgrade. The fine autists at Kiwi Farms will identify where she lives eventually. She’s a dunce and will eventually give away where she’s staying.
It's obvious that she's accustomed to being "rescued" by more competent people during big life changes, and she's astounded that no one came to rescue her this time around.
I agree. In the past, her mom bailed her out, even showing up just to clean the place. Jolene used to help and its likely Tubbers reached out to her, which prompted Jolene to send out that message about needing to find an apartment in the Long Beach area because she sure as hell isn’t going to get tangled up in yet another Tubby Tess situation of her own making. Lizette killed herself so no help there, that bitch. No Olly or any of her hot queers, they saw Ryann for who she really is and moved on.

Like @Angry New Ager said, I think it has now sunk in how deeply and truly fucked she is and how it’s very likely not going to get better for her. I think we’re starting to see the Dark Tubbers arc of her storyline.
 
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In Tess's case, I'm sure she views this move as a temporary thing and her sooper moddle career will take off again at any time now...
Oh, I'm sure she does. The mindset of being a temporarily embarrassed billionaire is also very white trash. Any day now, my ship will come in!

Because landlords forbid tenants from tampering with the locks of their apartments, and it's part of the rental agreement that you won't do so.
Property management often has a number to respond to high priority matters outside of business hours
I assumed since she's downgrading and has shit credit, the new place is with an indie landlord (not a new, corporate operated joint.) Indie landlords are pretty grateful when you take care of problems yourself, gratis.

she's going to be getting rid of it all, or at least most of it
Well, she still thinks she's going to sell it all. That's a very different mindset than being rid of her items no matter what.

People often have a dollar amount in mind they think they can get for their used furniture, etc. But they generally lower that price day by day as moving day gets closer. It's cheaper to let someone pick up your used stuff for free than it is to have it moved, to a storage unit you have to pay for.

But not our Tess! No, logic doesn't come into play. She's got that WT mentality about garage sales, and she'll keep doing what she's been doing with her outgrown clothing and tacky decor since the days she, Nick, and Rylee lived in a one bedroom apartment: host numerous garage sales where she sells maybe ten things, then packs up the rest to go back into storage until the next sale. It's a never ending cycle of effort for naught that also drains your coffers.
 
I assumed since she's downgrading and has shit credit, the new place is with an indie landlord (not a new, corporate operated joint.) Indie landlords are pretty grateful when you take care of problems yourself, gratis.
As a former indie landlord, no, the better ones are definitely not grateful when tenants "take care of problems" on their own, because for anything more complicated than changing sink washers, they too often do a shit job of it that eventually has to be repaired/replaced at the landlord's expense.

I did hone my DIY skills while living in shitty, slumlord-tier rental housing, to make it safer and more liveable for myself, but as a landlord who actually maintained her property and did repairs, the last thing I wanted was tenants doing unauthorized repairs or "improvements."

I don't think Tess has sunk to "slumlord who neglects their properties and never fixes shit, so you might as well DIY it" levels yet, but even if she has, she's never been a DIY girlie, and has no business starting to become one by messing with her front door lock.

People often have a dollar amount in mind they think they can get for their used furniture, etc. But they generally lower that price day by day as moving day gets closer. It's cheaper to let someone pick up your used stuff for free than it is to have it moved, to a storage unit you have to pay for.
People in general overestimate the value of their possessions (and undervalue others'). Crank that up to 11 for a Narc who is a minor celebritard, and thus thinks people should be willing to pay a premium to own something she has worn, or that has adorned her home (see: those dumb fucking wedding boots). So that's likely at play here; she even announced a personal appearance, where fans can meet her and buy her stuff.

Since she was living in an apartment, holding a garage sale wasn't feasible, and having people come in and out of her apartment to look over her stuff and buy it would have been hella unsafe. She may not even have any friends left willing to let her use their garage/driveway. The move also seems to be happening on short notice, so taking pics of things she knows she wants to get rid of, posting them for sale on her Insta or Depop, and shipping them out—on top of packing to move—yeah, not happening (with good reason).

So I see her making "personal appearances" at certain flea markets, with her stuff priced accordingly. But eventually, even she will figure out that she's not going to get more for it just because she's Tess Fucking Holliday, and that unless she wants to schlep full boxes back to her storage unit again and again, and keep paying storage fees, she'll need to accept what she can get—even if that means giving it away.

She got the "iconic" couch for free as a sponsored deal, and it had seen better days (fast-furniture sofas age like deathfats) so she had no problem just giving it away just to be rid of it. But she's got a fortune in kitschy "vintage" shit that she more than likely overpaid for. Her one stroke of luck may be the fact that maximalism is a rising decorating trend, and there are a lot of taste-impaired people jumping on it, so she may be able to offload a lot of her clutter due to that.
 
The move also seems to be happening on short notice,
Wouldn’t surprise me if she had ample time to make arrangements for a move and she just happened to do it at the last minute. We’ll never truly know but wouldn’t put it past her to do that. She’s been talking about going to another place for the last few weeks. She might’ve hoped for someone to swoop in at the last minute so she can keep staying at her old place.
But eventually, even she will figure out that she's not going to get more for it just because she's Tess Fucking Holliday, and that unless she wants to schlep full boxes back to her storage unit again and again, and keep paying storage fees, she'll need to accept what she can get—even if that means giving it away.
This will be one of these things that will break her more than usual. The fact nobody wants to buy her shit at a premium will sting but having to cut costs on it further and further will be an analogy for her future as a super model and she will consider it a humiliation to have to keep slashing costs or worse, having to give it away for free or toss it in the dumpster. She will consider a lot of that stuff to be iconic and she’ll blubber about it when it gets tossed into the trash. There are some future deep cutting narcissistic injuries coming up ahead with selling off her stuff.
 
She will consider a lot of that stuff to be iconic and she’ll blubber about it when it gets tossed into the trash
"On this episode of Hoarders, a former pinup model is living a nightmare in the California desert, as her son, Bowie, calls in Cory and Dr. Zazio to help save his mother from drowning in a sea of trash and memorabilia."
 
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