Gone five days with the family on a small holiday trip; return home, check Facebook, "we collected X for flowers for the funeral of (coworker)". Nigga what? I work with the most unhealthy chainsmoking boomers who don't exercise at all, and instead it's the ones who don't seem at all retirement ready who crash and burn. I feel nothing in particular because we already got several who're quitting, moving jobs, retiring etc, so it's "just" another coworker gone, but still. Death is such a weird thing to deal with, but the worst part is that both my parents are above the age of this person who just died and a lot less healthy. I dread the day I have to deal with a parent dying, not so much for the obvious reason, but because I've yet to get a good job that'll have them rest assured we'll make it once they're gone. Or yknow.. at least a partner. A "new family".
Anyway: The holiday was nice but like any other, I was constantly exposed to couples, families, and "ugly fat dudes in sweats" together with groomed, good looking women. And I just sit here realizing that I've entered the "single with 1-3 kids" era of dating. I've no issues with kids, but it's never in good taste. It's "I had 3 kids at 24" which does not at all sound like an endearing single mother who had a bad partner and looking to fix things up, but "I have no purpose in life if not my womanhood".
I haven't gotten drunk in a few weeks but might buckle. I'm fairly healthy, fast every day etc, but this mental battle with alcohol wears on me . Some weeks I don't consider it for a second, others I do nothing but. Most often I get the idea on friday itself and go buy it if I feel like it. There's this one quote in South Park along the lines of "Even if you're sober, you're still fighting with alcohol if you actively need to reject it over and over". You need to get over that bump of even considering it, and I can, but I just see no point in it. If I have literally anything else to do, I don't consider drinking for a second. In fact, I hate drinking out. It feels shameful. And likewise I look forward to every chance to be the sober driver who get people home safe. I drink if I've nothing else to do, so.. if I don't have work.
Got a job interview on Monday, Imposter Syndrome is there but dormant for some reason
I've this ability to "give up" in such abundance that I come across confident and to the point. Sit down at an interview expecting not to get the job, so I just talk directly and soberly about everything but still with that little angle of "playing it up". Still, "why should we hire you" I can't answer. They obviously just ask it cause it's routine but the "WHY" part of being interviewed fucks me up. "cause I give a shit and actively want to improve and can't just meet, work and leave without looking for longevity and hopefully internal promotion?".
cant really give you any advice but youre not alone in your pain and its probably worth pushing through it. Day by day.
at least i took some cool pictures with my camera
