I was told, after I had bottom surgery, everything would be fixed. That my vagina was no different from natal vaginas besides the scars. That vagina doctors couldn't tell the difference between a natal vagina and one made by a surgeon. My dr told me my results were the best he's ever seen and my dad told me "you're 100% woman now!" But now i find out that's not true, they aren't the same.
Even on trans subreddits i'm being told my vagina is not really a vagina at all, it has some different characteristics to a cis one. yet everyone told me before i got this surgery that it was the exact same. To then learn they are not the same crushes me. What do i have then? A vagina shaped penis?
I don't know what to do now, I feel like all the stuff ppl told me growing up was, well basically lies.. I wish I could talk to my dad about this, I normally talk to him about everything. but I don't want to talk to him about this. I feel like he'll just assure me everything is fine and I'm perfect just the way I am. I don't want to hear that right now.
i don't want to be told I'm valid and a real woman, yet then be told that my vagina is different, that I'm technically still male so i have to disclose who i am. How can I actually be a woman yet then be told well, hold on, you're actually still not quite a woman? It's either i am or I'm not.
Thinking about this has made me sick to my stomach, and idk. I'm too scared to unlive myself, and i'm not going to do that. But the thought of continuing to live a life where I'm not a man but also not a true woman hurts. I keep asking myself what was the point of everything. All the years of taking blockers and hrt, all the times i couldn't get close to my friend groups or join school clubs bc of fear of being found out i have a penis. All the time spent avoiding dating anyone. All the doctor visits, all the makeup lessons and girl lessons, all the long travels to visit surgeons, and all the long talking sessions with my dad. All the court ordered therapy, all the back and forth fights between my mom and dad. Getting bottom surgery, which was so painful, and all the hours spent dilating, unable to do anything else for months... why did i do all that for years?
what kept me going was knowing that everything I did would be worth it,. in the end, to end with me finally being a woman. everything male is gone, and after healing from the surgery, I get to finally be me. yet now it seems like i was told a fairy tale. It's like being told santa isn't real, only 100X worse.
I'm glad my dad supported me at a young age. I know I'm privileged to have transitioned young, lots of ppl would love to be in my position, I shouldn't complain. But now i wonder if growing up with gender dysphoria would have been preferable to what i'm going through now. Both options suck but at least in one scenario, i didn't put myself through hell for basically nothing.at least in one scenario, ppl don't think I'm disgusting or a liar..
i know it would make my parents sad if I stopped living. I'm sure they would blame each other even tho it's not there fault I was born this way. I wouldn't want to cause them that pain, so I'm not going to kms. i just dont want to exist anymore. Sounds childish but i really do with I hadnt ever been born. It feels cruel that if there’s a god, he made me the wrong gender and didn’t give me a way to fix it. Why did he make me like this?
I feel like a freak and there's nothing I can do. I was a baby that shouldnt have been born. and that's just a sad fact.
If this is real, then it's a good thing he isn't talking to his groomer father right now. Maybe him moving away was a blessing in disguise, maybe this was the only way he could break free from the grooming echo chamber and actually come to terms with the fact that his dad is a piece of shit.
