Is it normal that I kinda liked being a man?
This post is mostly me venting.
Why do I have to do this? I was not a complete failure as a man. I liked being a man. I liked being taken seriously by the people around me instead of being mansplained to. I had friends, genuine deep decade-long friendships with "other" men that I still treasure very much. I liked my "male" hobbies, things like Dnd or video games. I was good at them, and I was included in these spaces by default, it was assumed I belonged. I was smart, I was sociable, I applied myself at work and got things done. my boss and my coworkers all like the "male" me that they've know for years now. Fuck dude, I even like masculinity itself. I like being strong and independent and athletic and competent, valued for what I could do.
And now, through no fault of my own, I have to roll the dice on all of that.
Sure, I can still play video games, but try going into your average Overwatch lobby sounding like a girl and let me know how you get treated. I met this guy recently who was also into my specific brand of Dnd, and he talked over me and mansplained stuff to me for like 30 minutes. If I was a guy I'd have been an equal. And my old friends, they're still cool, but it's different. No longer a bunch of boys hanging out, now there's a girl there. It's awkward. They just have a hard time being friends with a girl the same way they would with a guy. Maybe I've changed too, in more ways than gender.
I'm about to come out at work; my coworkers are generally conservative, which means that even though they probably won't fire me, I'll suddenly have to go out of my way to correct people on my name, my pronouns, probably for weeks or months. And even if they accept me, suddenly I'll have to jump through a bunch of hoops I never did before, because now my appearance matters. I'll have to do makeup every day or people will treat me worse. I have to spend time and money getting my hair done, doing skincare, buying outfits. Or my gender itself will be questioned. Yeah, that stuff is fun sometimes, but to have to do it all, every day, whether I want to or not?
But I have to transition, because being on testosterone made me feel like death and seeing my male face made me want to vomit. Nowadays, getting gendered correctly makes me feel a kind of fulfillment that I never knew I was missing. I've been on E for a year and a half, and I can actually see myself in the mirror. The joy that has brought me is indescribable. I'm way past the point where I would ever turn back.
I just. I think that, objectively, being a man is much, much easier than being a woman. And I don't want to give that up. Who would? I know what women go through, I've gone through some of it too and I've only been womaning for like 6 months. Who would choose to make their life worse in almost every way? But I have to, because I'm trans. It just sucks.
