The Tenacious Unicorn Ranch / @TenaciousRanch / Steampunk Penny / Penellope Logue / Phillip Matthew Logue - Don't cry because it ended, laugh because it's still getting worse.

[Ghostse]

STOVE PICTURES​

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Jen decided to show off the pizza he made, so it's time for the threads favorite game of judging the Tranch stove. As you can see the new stove still has all the knobs (unlike the tranch members themselves).
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This one was had zero context, none of the surrounding retweets had anything to do with it.
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Lol'd at the crowing, as it's something Jen couldn't do even if he wanted.
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First glance, unzoomed: This actually looks edible. I guess in between dilating he finally learned to cook and not melt their stove.

Zoomed in: CLEAN THE FUCKING CAVATAPPI FROM YOUR FUCKING BURNER YOU SELF-MUTILATED FREAK
Its not wet or even deep in there or burned just pick it out or lift up the grill you horrible monster.
You just over cooked your pizza. You have a fucking broiler mode, if you're tyring to brown your cheese do that
also foil line your baking pans if you are too lazy to clean them properly.
clean your counters. Clean your stove before taking 58 gigapixel shots of your "look at me! this time I managed to not burn pizza like an utter mong!"

 

[CIS White Droid]

STOVE PICTURES​

View attachment 6646893View attachment 6646932
Jen decided to show off the pizza he made, so it's time for the threads favorite game of judging the Tranch stove. As you can see the new stove still has all the knobs (unlike the tranch members themselves).
View attachment 6646889

This one was had zero context, none of the surrounding retweets had anything to do with it.
View attachment 6646888

Lol'd at the crowing, as it's something Jen couldn't do even if he wanted.
View attachment 6646890

Jesus H. Christ. That stove top looks like one of those public park grills that hasn't seen maintenance since the Reagan administration, All that's missing is a half burned Kingsford bag and enough rust to put the Chernobyl truck graveyard to shame. Also, pepperoni under the cheese?!?! Pizza jail for 1000 years.

 

[Tactical Wizard]

@Hollywood Hulk Hogan I’m afraid that We need your skills once more, old friend.

 

[Aunt Carol]

Also, pepperoni under the cheese?!?! Pizza jail for 1000 years.

They want the photos they share online to look like cheese pizza, so they do everything they can to draw attention from the aged, sliced-up sausage.

Classic troon maneuver really.

 

[S.C.U.D.]

That stove is filthy, the random pasta left on the stovetop for no discernible reason is a nice touch.

 

[AssignedEva]

Jen decided to show off the pizza he made, so it's time for the threads favorite game of judging the Tranch stove.

In addition to the comments about the stovetop and counters, my personal pet peeve

These do not change location between photos so they're not prepping anything off screen to go with the pizza. That means there was 10-15 minutes of downtime after the pizzas went in the oven, and with homemade pizza you don't really want to go do something else because you want to check on how it's doing to avoid overcooking it.
So CLEAN UP WHILE YOU WAIT. There's no reason to leave dirty cookware there or a bunch of open ingredients scattered about. It's going to have to be put away anyway so do it while you're waiting in the kitchen instead of fucking about on your phone.

First glance, unzoomed: This actually looks edible. I guess in between dilating he finally learned to cook and not melt their stove.

I'd also observe that homemade pizza is incredibly easy to make. You can make a passable pizza dough just from shoving some flour, warm water and fast acting yeast with a spoonful of sugar and it'll be good to go in about 15 minutes with minimal kneading required (although I'd recommend going for a much more involved pizza dough). And that's assuming they didn't just pick up this in Kroger:

And then from the looks of it they've put on some jarred tomato sauce, pre-shredded cheese, pre-sliced deli-style pepperoni (wrong sort to use on a proper pizza) and pre-sliced shiitake mushrooms (and personally I don't think shiitake mushrooms go with a pepperoni pizza). I guess they cut up the mozzarella balls. It's the sort of activity you do with a kid to keep them occupied on a rainy day and get them involved in cooking, because it's so easy. Except you'd supervise the kid so they don't pile up the toppings like this

because with that amount of cheese it didn't melt properly before burning, and the dough will have gotten saturated with grease and be unpleasantly soggy. Oh and the pepperoni won't have crisped up because it's been buried under a mountain of wet, wet mozzarella. They've put some parmesan cheese on top as well (that tub of "American Grana") but I suspect they put it on before baking and it burned... not that they needed more cheese and salt. I reckon that was probably quite an unpleasant pizza, food hygiene standards aside.

Aw, I missed criticising the Tranch's godawful cooking. It feels like old times.

 

[Hollywood Hulk Hogan]

@Hollywood Hulk Hogan I’m afraid that We need your skills once more, old friend.

I thought this thread died years ago

That pizza looks wretched. Sauce is spread unevenly and doesn't go close enough to the edge. Way too much cheese, shredded mozzarella is all you need. Also looks overcooked; the cheese should only be lightly browned. If you're going to put the toppings under the cheese, you should make sure the cheese is thin so the toppings cook correctly. Nothing worse than undercooked toppings on pizza

 

[Crispy Pancake]

Bloody foul looking stove. Pizza isn't the worst I've seen, but it doesn't look good.

 

[Lou's Sentient Backfat]

I would argue that it's hard to determine which is greasier, that stove or Kevin's forehead.

 

[graywolf88]

Does anyone know whether their mailing address is still valid?

 

[Swiss46]

Does anyone know whether their mailing address is still valid?

Presumably some poor schmuck bought a cursed alpaca graveyard they intend to use as a home.

 

[graywolf88]

Presumably some poor schmuck bought a cursed alpaca graveyard they intend to use as a home.

If that's indeed the case, then I hope they got it for pennies on the dollar considering how tainted the earth is.

 

[Ghostse]

I'd also observe that homemade pizza is incredibly easy to make.

So is a taco bar, but we remember the knob-melting Taco Night at the Tranch.

That was my damning praise before I zoomed in; congrats you managed to make the most basic bitch food and not completely fuck it up. But then I zoomed in and saw they had managed to botch it up worse than thier pre-revision flipped dicks.

with that amount of cheese it didn't melt properly before burning, and the dough will have gotten saturated with grease and be unpleasantly soggy. Oh and the pepperoni won't have crisped up because it's been buried under a mountain of wet, wet mozzarella. They've put some parmesan cheese on top as well (that tub of "American Grana") but I suspect they put it on before baking and it burned... not that they needed more cheese and salt.

now TBCF I am from a region of the country where about 50% of the population likes their pepperoni under the cheese so all that grease liquid flavor stays put so that doesn't bother me. (also tbf I don't particularly care for Pepperoni)

But yeah their cheese is uneven and to make it worse they have a mix of fresh and low-moisture mozz, so it won't cook evenly. And now that you make me look at it on the right side of the pizza that's not even sliced mozz, its just quartered. Fucking cheeze wedges the fucking monsters.
You could MAYBE get away with that with a proper, preheated pizza oven due to the faster cook time, carbonization of the crust surface, and ability of the oven to absorb/vent the increased moisture that you don't have when cooking in a conventional closed oven. But yeah that's going to be a at best a very soggy crust.

That is the ammount of cheese you'd put on a formaggio or maybe a margherita pizza* (god forbid the "back to the earth" tranchers eat anything that is green and not the discharge from their am holes). If you're using pepperoni or other meats you don't want to overwhelm it with cheese.

The did manage to get that mound of cheese brown in the center but only a surface browning and very clearly at the expense of overcooking the fucking out of the rest of the crust.



* Don't @ me with how the proper version is supposed just be buffalo slices with exposed sauces.

 

[AnOminous]

Also looks overcooked; the cheese should only be lightly browned.

It's overcooked on top. The mozzarella ball slices are not going to be done at all, but they'll have made the crust soggy because it's a fresh (or fresh-ish because this is probably grocery store goyslop mozzarella balls) cheese. If you're going to use that kind you want it on top and you want it fairly sparse, not in a repulsive layer.

And you're not going to get that kind of a result with a normal consumer oven. Some of the ingredients are a matter of taste, but the execution is just bad. The one really awful choice is deli pepperoni. If you're going to put deli meats on it, why not salami or soppressata or anything but pepperoni? And even with those I'm going to use either quarter-sized slices or shred it.

 

[Tactical Wizard]

I thought this thread died years ago

That pizza looks wretched. Sauce is spread unevenly and doesn't go close enough to the edge. Way too much cheese, shredded mozzarella is all you need. Also looks overcooked; the cheese should only be lightly browned. If you're going to put the toppings under the cheese, you should make sure the cheese is thin so the toppings cook correctly. Nothing worse than undercooked toppings on pizza

They’ve still got this weird LARP going on where they’re chilling at Penny’s parent’s house with a handful of animals and are pretending that the tranch is totally still a thing. Every once in a while, we get a sign of life on social media whenever they stick their heads up to show their continuing failure to do literally anything.

 

[Crispy Pancake]

Presumably some poor schmuck bought a cursed alpaca graveyard they intend to use as a home.

Poltergeist remake sorted.

Well, apparently that already happened in 2015 but if they have another go at it, here you go.

 

[Lou's Sentient Backfat]

Poltergeist remake sorted.

Well, apparently that already happened in 2015 but if they have another go at it, here you go.

Pacageist, sounds like a winner to me. Either that or make it in a Pet Sematary reimagining. Dude buries his dead kid there and the kid comes back as a troon. "Sometimes dead is better"

 

[Crispy Pancake]

The alpacas deserve revenge.

 

[retard strength II]

God it is repulsive to think about eating anything troon hands had to touch, it isn't even like a frozen pizza. He had to get his hands all up in it. Terrible.

 

[Click reply to view]

Pacageist, sounds like a winner to me. Either that or make it in a Pet Sematary reimagining. Dude buries his dead kid there and the kid comes back as a troon. "Sometimes dead is better"

Color out of space already exists, too. Nicolas Cage goes bananas on a fucked up alpaca farm.