@larossmann is a solid guy who I think most of us love. It’s an honor that he would feel this place even worthy of hearing what he has to say; even though the cat comment got me a little MATI as I am so good to them. Little self entitled bastards, but they are cute as hell so it’s acceptable.
I would say Louis that I know exactly how you feel. I’ve been stalked IRL before and have done things in the past that I regret which has had me targeted by mentally unstable people. I’ve been in confrontations multiple times and have dealt with a piece being shoved in my face more than once. It’s terrifying until you realize that they are all cowards who would only have reason to cause you harm if you actively are hurting/threatening them. Even at gunpoint you realize most people are afraid of dying in prison and won’t shoot.
Most gun violence is committed by certain lesser fortunate individuals attempting to rob or otherwise make a name for themselves in gangs… so just give them your wallet or buy and learn to use a gun. They don’t shoot you because they know you.
I hope the message you left us was cathartic, but I hope you regret some of your paranoia, not out of shame/embarrassment but as a result of a mind calmed. Your reaction to your demons and the demons (people who act as life sucking parasites hoping for your downfall) should not be mocked; rather understood as a man who is clearly trying his best, only being crushed by negativity of those around him (+ potential unseen life events). Could also be that you’re reacting to the callousness of people in general as you show repeatedly that you score pretty highly in the department of empathy. It’s hard for a carrying person to not feel distressed when they feel that they are surrounded by callous monsters. That’s a major component of fear for people who share your pre-existing condition.
My only recommendation is you step back for a little bit, remind yourself that you are not an evil person indirectly responsible for denying health care to dying individuals and realize that I and many people who walk the earth are so much more worthy of a bullet than you. We haven’t got shot like UHC man and you won’t either.
Your worry stems from overworking yourself, allowing too much negativity to blacken your world, as well as falling into the slippery slope of main character syndrome (the fault where you think you live rent free in most peoples minds).
I am reminded I love your work when I’m working on a computer, I am reminded that I love your work when I’m repairing old tractors and cars. IM NOT REMINDED OF YOU OR MY HATE WHEN IM APPLYING FOR LIFE SAVING CARE! there in lies the difference! UHC dude was a main character in the destruction of life; you will never carry that blight.
Final thought: go to Church, relax and take a few weeks away from the Internet, and go outside, travel. Leave that hellscape of a city you love and go sit with nature. Write down how you feel in a book. Read some good old books and enjoy life away from technology, away from sadists, mockers and tyrants.