How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

[Éamonn Ceannt]

Spoiler: mental illness spergout

I'm starting to think I have Antisocial Personality Disorder. I'm not talking about le epic Patrick Bateman ASPD but I think a lot of the symptoms line up, not just the "cool" ones.

The constant boredom really fits; I really only take pleasure in hurting people emotionally; low effort trolling is good but I've done some REALLY nasty things, like lifetime trauma shit just for the lulz.

The irresponsibility/laziness thing checks out as well. I was shit at my job when I was in the military and now I'm to the point where, since I work nights on weekends where nothing happens, I just go home for 7 hours and sleep, then come back an hour before shift relief comes at my shitty IT job. I'm an alcoholic and it got to the point where I'd drink a quarter/half of a handle of vodka/whiskey a day, including workdays.

I won't even get into the run ins with the police (and UCMJ lmao) I've had. Managed to avoid any charges but its still rather troubling.

The lack of relationships is a big thing for me, I can name all the actual friends I've had on one hand, and most of them were based on hurting people.

Apparently a lot of people who think they have ASPD turn out to have autistic so that might be it lmao. Theres a 6~ month wait for therapists so I guess I'll have to wait and see. Please let me know if I'm being retarded.

Why are people so retarded? Even with the "edgy" guys at work I can't seem to make a connection with people, only on a surface level.

Jesus man, I'm starting to feel bad for you now even if you are an insufferable atheist. I can relate with the drinking. For the record this is both to spite and help you: I'll pray for you.

 

[Catman from cat town]

health insurance made me switch pharmacies for no obvious reason but luckily, the approved pharmacy I switched to was a backup pharmacy I visited once every blue moon so they had my information. The problem is one medication I take is a controlled substance so they only carry the bare minimum and me switching to them made it so they had to order more meaning I gotta wait plus I think there is a shortage.
I’m extremely fortunate that I don’t have to take this medication everyday so no problem, however, this could have been avoided if I never had to change pharmacies. I really hate my health insurance.

Also I’m dreading this Christmas because of newly divorced parent drama.

 

[56 others]

Worked around an unprocessed human cadaver today, that kinda sucked.

 

[Éamonn Ceannt]

Worked around an unprocessed human cadaver today, that kinda sucked.

Uhh what exactly does unprocessed mean and like what is your job? Undertaker?

 

[steelz]

very bad. trying not to die

 

[steelz]

Uhh what exactly does unprocessed mean and like what is your job? Undertaker?

he killed the guy himself....

 

[Éamonn Ceannt]

he killed the guy himself....

Right so what’s the problem then?

 

[steelz]

Right so what’s the problem then?

consent may not have been given !

 

[Éamonn Ceannt]

consent may not have been given !

Wait you guys get consent before you kill people?

 

[Friend of Dorothy Parker]

I've been under heavy amounts of stress lately from heavy amounts of procrastination. I keep trying to force myself to do what I need to do but everything just feels so pointless that I feel like there's no reason to carry on further. I just wish that everything would blow over and it will be alright afterwards but I know that it just doesn't work like that. I feel like everything needs to be perfect. I think nothing has any real meaning to me anymore and I really don't know what to do about it. But, on a different note, this place has brought me a ton of joy in the short time I've been here and I couldn't be more grateful for that.

I am a grand procrastinater, so I get it. It's gotten a lot better in the last couple of years (after getting really bad for awhile).

How better? Well, I procrastinate on smaller parts of things, and I do a lot more planning, maintenance, and monitoring on an ongoing basis, so I'm not actually starting from zero when I get around to dealing with something I don't want to do.

But the biggest change is that I - earlier and earlier - turn and face it. It's not going away. So I force myself to do actual, move-it-forward work. I don't sit and try to wish it away, and I acknowledge what I'm doing (avoid) and what I've learned about why I do it. And armed with that, it is easier to say, okay, FINE, dammit, I'll just do this thing.

And I don't bludgeon myself quite so much about the drivers that underlie the avoidance. I reflect about why I'm edgy, then when I've realized what's going on, I am less hamstrung by it and can force myself through.

It helps, too, to (truly) know why you're actually needing to do the things, how succeeding or failing will actually impact your PERSONAL goals. Hard to do if you're feeling like you wrote - that nothing matters. And so maybe if you can get a few days' break, or otherwise carve out some time to think, you can search and figure out what matters to you and then orient your life toward that.

The more you push past it, with time & repetition, seeing that you actually can do the things without dying is also reinforcing.

It can also help to understand and agree that being "perfectly perfect in every way" isn't always necessary. Often there are many opportunities to correct minor errors or misses later (in the work world, anyway... depending on what you do). I'm still learning that after 30 years (thank you, highly dysfunctional past places of work), but though I still quasi-frequently stay up all night to produce a perfect product, I have learned to let go of a good amount of it. Sometimes getting it done on time and serviceable >>>>>>>>> being late with a perfect product. "Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good" is practical wisdom. If you struggle with perfection holding you back from pulling the trigger, make that your mantra.

Try to let go of identifying with the project/task, whether work or personal. Doing something is a task - it's not you. Put it in its place.

 

[bliblblblbbllb]

I thought the guy saying "I'm a big procrastinator" was answering the question "why did you work around a dead body today?" at first.

Two of my coworkers just gave up and went home today. So I had to do all their work. So weird. It's so funny how some people can get away with that and other people never ever could.

 

[56 others]

Uhh what exactly does unprocessed mean and like what is your job? Undertaker?

Just a raw corpse, not like one you would see in a coffin or prepped for medical training. Freaky shit, something primal your lizard brain doesn't want you to be around.

 

[Fat Gay Riker]

Had a mental break, looking into a therapist to deal with anxiety and depression, despite shitting on that profession for most of my adult life. Some family want me to just go straight to meds, and I get why they'd want me to, but I'm cautious on that front.

To anyone else struggling with the depression and shit around this time: the holidays sometimes suck, but they don't have to. Have a good support group you talk to.

 

[Rome's rightful successor]

It feels so good to finally be home after a long day of being out and about.

 

[(((I am NOT a jew)))]

I really just want to die. I'm not going to lie. I'm downbad.

I had a coworker tell me "good boy" like a dog. And all i could do was look at him in disgust... and not do anything.
That might not sound like a thing but it just infuriated me.
I fucking HATE THIS about myself more than anything. No matter how shitty people treat me, I barely can ever stand up for myself. I never have that 90s' movie moment of confidence where I tell someone off. I just wanted to walk out that door so goddamn bad but didn't, and regret not doing so. Yeah I talked to managers and said that shit is awkward but having a dude 10 years younger than you be a snarky cunt to your face and not having the werewithal to throat slam really makes you want to die.
I've been having more and more... toxic shit thrown at me at work lately, passive aggressive jabs and have basically realized no matter how much I try or how long I've been here or offer to help in other areas I'll never be in another station, meanwhile people who got in a month or so back have been moved around... By the way there's been no reasoning or answer for this. Just constant lead-ons and false promises.
Half the people I'm around are addicts or are cheating on their spouse. My manager literally asked me if he could borrow 20 bucks recently and is late by an hour everyday.
Yes, we're on that time.
These things are becoming an active problem that's making the business suffer but nothing is going to be done because everyone is still treating this more like highschool than a job.
There's a couple others who see the issue but nobody can really do shit about it.
TL;DR: We're becoming Waffle House.

God... I really just want to die.
It sucks because I don't even like half these people and don't want to associate with them. But when I see them intermingling and I'm the one kind of stuck talking to the same four people everyday I can't ask why I'm not involved... even though I don't want to be.
I just want to not feel like the other... but I don't want to be these people.
I really don't want to become The Underground Man or some incel misanthrope but honestly dude sometimes that anger seems justified. Sometimes you can't help but be Holden Caulfield. I really am starting to fucking hate people. You just want people to leave you alone. I always thought it was cringe whenever I'd hear people talk about humanity in large brushes or wear their misanthropy as a badge of honor, but I'm getting to that point. It's a weird mix of envy and disenfranchisement. I want to be around people and enjoy their company but I feel like the gates aren't open for me. I'm not sitting at the lunch table. I don't want to be the loser but I don't feel like becoming a school yard bully, a mean girl or someone who consistently needs to be high every second of the day to not be.

The truth, it's my fault. I could have left already but I blow my money, because I don't see a future outside of here. I was going to be out of here, but of course plans fell through because I put my faith in another person for once, which I knew I shouldn't have done. And turned out to be right for doing so. Don't you hate it when that happens?
Shame on me.

It almost becomes a masochistic self-fulfilling prophecy where I stay in misery because taking the next step is so terrifying. I think I'll just kill myself eventually, but never do, leaving someone who's essentially a ghost. I can't ever start. I have the ingredients, I have the wits, I just can't move forward. I can't defend myself. I can't stand up and stay "no". I can't take the leap of faith. I can't embolden myself. I don't like anything about this but I just can't push. I can't move on. It gets worse and worse every year.
I never thought as a kid I'd be this loser. I never thought I'd still be in this town, constantly taking shit from assholes and pushing my goals and dreams further and further away because I was so broken and beaten down (mostly by myself) that I didn't see a future with me winning.

 

[56 others]

I'm downbad.

Bro look around you and ask yourself why any of these people's opinions matter. They're genuinely suffering for their actions, you've already won. All these little snide jabs at you are because theyre losers. Theres like five times where in your life where you need to say anything more than, " dude, you gotta fucking quit that." Genuinely say in your head "this guy is a fucking FAGGOT" and move on.

Don't try to find friends at work, you wont find them. Anything more than getting lunch during work or going out for a few beers every once and a while with your coworkers usually means those people have no other friends.

Buckle down, stop fucking around with your life, and make demands of management. If it doesn't work, it's not like you were going anywhere anyways and leave. "Just keep telling yourself you're gonna leave and why you're gonna leave and one night you'll finally pull the proverbial trigger. IDK, got me out of that funk to work for a new career.

 

[Éamonn Ceannt]

Extremely fucking tired but I have to get ready for work. I think I only got like 3 hours of sleep lol. Please pray for me.

 

[(((I am NOT a jew)))]

To anyone else struggling with the depression and shit around this time: the holidays sometimes suck, but they don't have to. Have a good support group you talk to.

I think that's why it's extra hard right now. Daylight savings time fucks up my (already shit) sleep cycle and the loneliness of cutting off my family seeps in a lot. I'm lucky to have one really good friend in town and a gymbro I work with but the lack of a support group or friends really heightens up.

Spent the day at a boat history museum. Seeing 6 mast large ships that were built 20 mins away in what is now a ghost of its former self. Where the fuck did people go? Those thousands of people relying on a local ship dock. Moved to the city, which is a continuing trend?

No social gathering points, clubs and sports are for kids and pensioners, no one takes professional pride in their work and people rather overwork than spend those hours bettering themselves.

I actually saw your post in the small town thread just a couple minutes ago, which kind of gave me the jolt to just type out my rant here, but it's so true.
That's the saddest fucking thing about small towns now. My town, despite still being shitty in a lot of ways, had a unique charm not too long ago. We actually had a theater and some things to do. Not anymore. Now everythings' been gobbled up by real estate, rent is usually about twice what most people can afford, no one who's worth a shit has stayed here and has gone to cities that cost less to live in than here and we're officially a tourist trap that boomers have raped into the ground. But hey, we got a Star Bucks now.
All the gossip and passive aggressive small town attitude, the melancholy and sense of dread, the poverty, the drug abuse. That's all still there. Worse now, actually. But we have nothing left that this town built itself. Which leads more kids to get into drugs early because everyone's miserable and has nothing to do other than drink. Everyone works 50+ hours either just to cover rent, blow on drugs or (in my case) buy random shit that kind of makes them slightly happy for a second but doesn't provide anything in the future.
It's pretty bleak.

 

[(((I am NOT a jew)))]

Bro look around you and ask yourself why any of these people's opinions matter. They're genuinely suffering for their actions, you've already won. All these little snide jabs at you are because theyre losers.

See, that's the big problem I have. Are they? They have more shit than I do (most of them are in relationships, have friends and family, come from money) so when any of them is extra-cuntish or obviously miserable I'm more mad at the lack of gratitude. They seem to be doing fine. If not, they should be. I'd appreciate being in the type of place they're in.

Don't try to find friends at work, you wont find them. Anything more than getting lunch during work or going out for a few beers every once and a while with your coworkers usually means those people have no other friends.

Some of them are pretty chill. They mostly see how shit's working around there. I have one gymbro and my one honest to goodness good friend works there (just by himself because he actively dislikes everyone there). But a good chunk of them go drinking every night together or hang out or end up throwing parties. They're mostly white women (and I do mean WHITE women) so it's not like I have much in common with them. But it does get annoying seeing everyone seeming to have an active social life and I'm just stuck hearing them do the whole overly excited white girl talking all day.

Buckle down, stop fucking around with your life, and make demands of management.

That's the issue. It's kind of at "sinking ship" level now. Mostly women managers. The one male manager promoted the girl he was flirting with to a manger position over the dude he thought was better for the job and made the shocked pikachu face when said woman hasn't actually been managing and has cut the hours of the one dude he should've promoted because he was "messaging her too much about people messing up at the job on her off hours".
I've asked repeatedly asked to work in another area a couple days of the week. Each time I've been given about a shift or two for one week going back to the same schedule the following week. We've lost/fired several people over in said area in the time I've asked. So yeah, it's just not happening. Either they don't think I'm up to it and don't want to give me a chance or want me in my area because it's also hard to find people who are decent in the position.
But I still appreciate the sentiment. I'm at the point where I don't really want to make friends at work, I just don't want to be actively targeted by people or be surrounded by people quite as toxic. I just don't want to be the guy people use as a poison container anymore. It's not everyone obviously. There's some really cool people there I enjoy being around. But yeah, I just don't want to be the guy with the "kick me" sign posted on his face.

We literally have a deaf dude that one of the women said she wants gone because "he creeps her out".
So yeah, we're fucked.

If it doesn't work, it's not like you were going anywhere anyways and leave. "Just keep telling yourself you're gonna leave and why you're gonna leave and one night you'll finally pull the proverbial trigger. IDK, got me out of that funk to work for a new career.

Yeah man. I just get so scared. In all likelihood, there's about as much of a safety net if I move 2000 miles away from here as there is here, meaning there is none. But I think of all the worst alternatives and find myself wondering "What if this is as good as it gets". That's obviously not true, but I get decent money for not having a degree or certs and I find myself scared of taking on the world. The one time I did was the best time of my life and I really regret ever coming back, things just got really bad for a while but looking back I still would've preferred it. So who knows.

Thanks for the encouragement though. It's nice to know 56 others are rooting for me.

 

[56 others]

They seem to be doing fine.

If they are addicted to drugs or cheating, they are not doing fine. That's the stuff you do on the decline. Partying and drinking together constantly arent a sign of a healthy dynamic social life, their signs you're in self-destructive friendships.

You know the job is fucked. You need to act, demand change at work and if nothing happens soon, leave. I dont know why you're so afraid of change when you're at a point you want to kill yourself. Rip the fucking bandaid off, You're already fucked so why worry about fucking yourself.