submitted 7 hours ago by AbsolutelyRidic
This post is a response to a comment made by u/laura_lumi on the post "What's a Euphoria Boner" I had a lot of thoughts about that comment but it was too long to put in a reddit comment and I felt this is something some of y'all need to hear as well. For context the original post was asking what a "euphoria boner" was. Laura answered the question and then elaborated on her internalized shame regarding it. I responded saying that I share that shame, but I think it's overall a good thing for girls to be less shameful about something natural in their body that they can't control. And Laura very politely explained to me her perspective of why she feels such pain on this. I want to say, laura, I don't mean to put you on blast, but my response is too long. I hope it's okay if I respond here.
I have a few thoughts on your comment. And I'll try to be as empathetic as possible but I will be honest this sentiment does make me slightly frustrated.
As for euphoria boners, well I think that's just an example of you being embarrassed for them. ContraPoints has this really good video I'm gonna link called, "Cringe" where she kinda breaks down similar feelings that she has directed towards transbian weeaboo catgirls. It's a bit of a long watch but I think it was a very interesting unpacking of how shame and cringe can create resentment towards people, especially those you share community with. Personally I kinda get what you mean. I think being a trans woman who is conditioned by society to be ashamed of your dick and all of its behaviors. You kinda create this automatic response where you constantly try to shut down any positive thoughts about it. And when you see others who don't feel ashamed, you feel ashamed for them. ContraPoints calls this, "in-group cringe" where you see someone doing behaviors that you have internalized to be ashamed of so you feel shame for them because deep down you don't want to see them be hurt by society for not fitting in.
I think it's a perfectly normal feeling. I do too, I personally also kinda can't stand a lot of babytranses and find them kinda cringe. I do recognize that I used to be like them, but a lot of the time I find it hard to relate to their exhausting enthusiasm for transfemininity. But... where I think it starts to become problematic is when you start making your cringing their problem. Like when you start to complain openly and directly about the way their acting because it disgusts you personally. I think although you may find it as just opening up. To many other people it may read as shaming and mean. I don't know exactly what you said to be banned from the trans subreddits, so I don't wanna make too many assumptions, but could it be possible that what you said was at least phrased in a way that projected your shame onto others. Like I implore you to see it from their perspective, you came into their community and told them they should be ashamed of something their body does that they have no control over because you don't like that they're comfortable with it.
Additionally I have to bring up the main thing that kinda irks and frustrates me about your comment. You claim that you are so hurt by the fact that other trans people don't want to hang around you. But then you go and say this,
"We aren't like you, not that being so would be bad or something, we're just different, we want to live in peace, we want to take part in society,"
If you're saying stuff like that, especially to other trans people who are proud and open about their sexuality. Then how do you expect to be friends with them. How can you be in community with them when you also don't wanna be associated with them? Not to make too many judgements, but from my point of view, it seems like you're trying to have your cake an eat it too. You want to live in silence about your transness, be closed, be ashamed of what you have, and blend into society. But also be in community with trans people. But like, gorge, how are they supposed to be friends with you if you constantly feel ashamed about your aspects of your transness and project that shame onto others?
Again this isn't to say your feelings aren't valid, but I think you might need to sometimes moderate the shame you project onto others. Not every feeling that is valid, necessarily always needs to be shared with other people. Because it's not something a lot of people like to be around. It's not fun. Sometimes you need to just be okay with the fact that other people are okay with things that you wouldn't be okay with and that's fine. It's completely okay and it's not the reason we're losing rights.
Although I understand your frustration about the trans peoples gradually receding rights and acceptance. I gotta tell you, true assimilation and acceptance is a fantasy and your enemy is not other trans people who are more confident and accepting of their own bodies. The reality is that cis society is not accepting of us and it's not because transphobes just hate the "weird" trans people. They hate all of us. A f*g's a f*g, doesn't matter if you're f*g who passes, gets a vagina, gets a man and becomes a housewife or a f*g who throws bricks, rhapsodizes about girldick and tops girls. To them we're all just expendable f*gs whose rights can be thrown to the wind when times get tough. It doesn't matter how much we try, we will never be fully assimilated. And whilst I also don't think full retreat from society is useful either. I also don't think that suppressing and shaming everything unique about us so that we blend in with every other boring cishet person is inherently commendable either. I think the reality is you need to have balance. Make cultural negotiations. Be proud of your transness, but also be aware of your aesthetics and how you can communicate that to others who may not always understand. Don't bend over backwards for people who see you as an expendable f*g but also try to reach understanding with those in the cishet world who may need work to understand. These next few years are gonna be hard and assimilating into cis society will not save you. At the end of the day other trans people going through the same bullshit as you are what will. I don't know where you got this idea that somehow the people that are the most open, not passing and unassimilated are somehow not affected by the reduction of our rights. That they are somehow not affected by transphobic violence, hate speech, and discrimination. I'd say if anything they are even more. The difference is, they're not trying to make themselves miserable by capitulating to the demands of bigots (which will NOT work).
If you are scared of things getting worse, which I can understand why, trying to capitulate the monsters that openly mock you will not solve anything. Transphobes don't care if you pass, they still think you belong on the bottom rung of society. That's what this current conservative backlash is all about. Conservatives are mad that trans people believe we should be on the same footing as them and they're doing what they can to put us back in our place. If you want to survive the backlash you need to find community with other trans people. And in order to do that you have to learn to accept trans people that are "cringe" and that you maybe kinda resent for it. And maybe moderate how much shame you project.
