I asked ChatGPT To Create A Lolcow - Introducing Gregory Wiffles

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Apr 19, 2022
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Name: Gregory “Zane” Wiffles

What Makes Them a Lolcow:

1. Overinflated Ego, Zero Self-Awareness:
Zane markets himself as a "life coach" despite being perpetually unemployed and living in his mom's basement. He insists he’s a misunderstood genius who’s this close to “revolutionizing society.”


2. Constant Feuds:
Zane has beef with everyone, from minor YouTubers to global celebrities who’ve never acknowledged him. His Twitter rants are legendary, full of misspellings, ALL CAPS, and pseudo-intellectual diatribes.


3. Bizarre Beliefs:
Zane’s magnum opus is his “theory” that the moon is a government hologram used to spy on humanity. He regularly posts videos attempting to debunk “moon propaganda” by shining flashlights at a tennis ball as proof.


4. Attention-Seeking Stunts:
He’s known for wild schemes like trying to start a Kickstarter for a “moon laser” to reveal the hologram or filming himself “protesting” at NASA headquarters (he only made it to a nearby Planetarium).


Drama and Events:

1. The Cheese Pizza(!) Incident:
Zane once hosted a livestream to prove that he could survive eating “only pizza and soda for 30 days,” claiming it would “prove modern nutritionists are frauds.” By day 7, he vomited on-stream after attempting to blend an entire cheese pizza into a smoothie to “save time.”

2. The Failed MLM Scheme:
Zane tried to launch his own pyramid scheme called “ZaneCorp,” selling overpriced protein powders he made in his mom’s kitchen. The powders turned out to be mostly powdered sugar and baking soda, causing public backlash and legal threats.


3. Accidental Doxxing:
During a heated feud with a small streamer, Zane attempted to expose the streamer’s “real name” but accidentally revealed his own full address and phone number. This led to a wave of prank deliveries to his house, including a life-size cardboard cutout of the moon.


4. The Moonfall Debacle:
Zane became obsessed with the movie Moonfall after claiming Hollywood stole his hologram moon theory. He demanded royalties and sent an unhinged 30-page email to the studio threatening legal action. The studio’s lawyer simply replied, “Who is this?”


5. The Art Heist Scandal:
To prove his “skills” as an artist, Zane uploaded a portfolio of “original digital art.” It took about 10 minutes for the internet to realize every piece was blatantly traced from DeviantArt and Pinterest. When called out, Zane doubled down, claiming he was the "real" artist and accusing others of stealing his style.



Online Persona:

Zane’s main platform is Twitter, where he posts daily motivational quotes like:

“Geniuses are never appreciated in their time. History will vindicate me.”

“The haters only hate because they’re broke and jealous of my grind.”

He also runs a YouTube channel, Zane’s TruthZone, featuring hour-long rants filmed in his dimly lit room with a blanket taped to the wall as a “green screen.”


Final Straw:

The tipping point for Zane’s lolcow infamy came when he attempted to organize an “anti-moon rally.” Only two people showed up: his mother and a random guy looking for free snacks. Zane livestreamed the event anyway, spinning it as a “movement in its early stages.”
 
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Alright, fellow farmers, strap in because I just had a Zane counter at my local Walmart, and it was every bit the circus you’d expect. I never thought I’d witness this lolcow in his natural habitat, but here we are.

So, I’m minding my own business in the electronics section, trying to pick out an HDMI cable, when I hear this loud, nasally voice echoing from the TV display area. I immediately froze because the voice was familiar—too familiar. Lo and behold, I peek around the corner, and there he is: Gregory “Zane” Wiffles in full unwashed glory.

Picture this: greasy hair barely contained by a ZaneCorp trucker hat, cargo shorts with mysterious stains, and a t-shirt that looked like it came from a failed Cafepress shop. The slogan? “The Moon is Watching” in crooked, faded letters. He was clutching a fistful of wrinkled papers like they were the Dead Sea Scrolls and ranting at some poor Walmart employee who looked like she was seriously reconsidering all her life choices.

Zane was pointing at the TV display and screaming about how the 4K resolution was part of a government conspiracy to “solidify moon propaganda.” He literally shouted, “THESE TVs ARE PROGRAMMED TO DECEIVE YOU!” loud enough that a kid in the toy section probably heard him. The employee noped out with a quick, “I’ll get my manager,” leaving Zane to hold court.

Now, here’s where I made my first mistake: I got too curious and stepped closer. Big mistake. Huge. Zane locked eyes with me like a predator spotting its prey. “You get it, don’t you?” he said, waving a paper at me. The paper, by the way, was covered in crayon scribbles and labeled “Official Moon Hologram Evidence.”

He went into full lecture mode, complete with hand gestures and what I think was supposed to be a diagram of the moon but looked more like a pizza. He was trying to convince me that 4K TVs were part of a NASA plot, and honestly, I was just standing there trying not to laugh. Then he hit me with, “Subscribe to my channel, Zane’s TruthZone, for more exclusive content. I’ll change your life!”

At this point, I was ready to yeet myself out of there, but Zane wasn’t done. He reached into his cargo shorts pocket and pulled out a Ziploc bag of what he called his “proprietary protein formula.” It looked like straight-up flour. He claimed it was part of his “revolutionary nutrition plan” and tried to sell it to me for $20. The dude was straight hustling in Walmart.

Before I could politely decline (read: run away), the manager showed up. She told Zane to leave, and he immediately started acting like he was being persecuted for “speaking the truth.” He shouted, “You’re all sheep! The revolution starts with me!” as he stomped toward the exit. And then, in true Zane fashion, he walked into the sliding glass door because it didn’t open fast enough. The thunk it made? Poetry.

But here’s the cherry on top: Later that night, I checked his YouTube channel (purely for the lolz), and sure enough, there was a new upload titled “Why Walmart is Ground Zero for Moon Lies.” I’m in the background of the thumbnail looking like I want to die.

Zane continues to out-Zane himself. If he ever shows up at your Walmart, consider it both a curse and a blessing.

for posterity, this post is ai generated
 
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I'd like to imagine that "MOON TROOTER" is completely unaffiliated with moon conspiracies and is just a convoluted pun on "When the moon hits your eye, like a big pizza pie" but he sees it as some sort of code he needs to decipher

Also appreciate the dichotomy of Coke and Pepsi to represent his internal struggle
 
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Decided to give it a try:

Character Profile: Gerald "The Visionary" Bumblethorpe​

Basic Information​

  • Name: Gerald Bumblethorpe
  • Age: 36
  • Location: His mother’s basement in Poughkeepsie, New York
  • Occupation: Self-proclaimed "Visionary Entrepreneur, Inventor, and Influencer Extraordinaire"
  • Appearance:
    • Thin, wiry frame, always dressed in a mismatched combination of a second-hand blazer and pajama pants.
    • A scruffy neckbeard he calls his "idea incubator."
    • Signature accessory: a monocle he insists improves his "visionary powers."
    • Balding, but wears a comb-over that refuses to stay in place, often held down with mismatched barrettes.

Personality Traits​

  • Overconfidence:
    Gerald genuinely believes he is on the brink of changing the world. Every idea he has is "revolutionary," despite being absurd or impractical.
  • Lack of Awareness:
    He remains blissfully unaware of how people perceive him. Criticism fuels his belief that the world "isn't ready for his genius."
  • Dramatic:
    He speaks in an overly theatrical tone, with exaggerated hand gestures and dramatic pauses, even when discussing mundane topics like what he had for breakfast.
  • Obsessive:
    Gerald is fixated on niche, absurd topics—such as his theory that toaster ovens are secretly alien technology.

Habits and Behavior​

  • Online Presence:
    Gerald runs a poorly designed website called "BumbleVision Enterprises" where he sells his bizarre inventions, such as:
    • Airless Umbrella: A plastic pole that does nothing.
    • Mood-Sensing Socks: Ordinary socks with colorful yarn glued on to “reflect your emotions.”
    • The Ultimate Alarm Clock: A rubber chicken duct-taped to a doorbell.
      He also streams daily live videos, often titled "Gerald's Genius Hour," where he pitches ideas and debates his critics in the chat.
  • Catchphrases:
    • “Think outside the brain!”
    • “The future is now—and it’s trademarked!”
  • Dietary Quirks:
    Gerald eats only "brain food" (cheap instant noodles and canned tuna), claiming it keeps his mind sharp. He often posts recipes like "Cognitive Casserole" (microwaved tuna and cheese crackers).
  • Signature Move:
    Gerald frequently ends arguments by dramatically removing his monocle, claiming, “You just don’t have the vision to see my vision!”

Signature Projects​

  1. Hover-Boots:
    Regular rain boots with helium balloons attached. Gerald insists they can "simulate walking on air," but in practice, they just cause him to trip.
  2. Cloud Computing Helmet:
    A bike helmet covered in cotton balls, which he claims can "connect your brainwaves to the atmosphere for faster thinking."
  3. Eco-Friendly Laptop Charger:
    A hamster wheel he modified to power a laptop... poorly.

Relationships​

  • His Mother:
    Frequently yells down the basement stairs, "Gerald, you forgot to take out the trash again!" He responds by muttering about "family betrayal."
  • Fans (aka “Visionaries”):
    Gerald has a small but loyal following of equally eccentric individuals who leave comments like “Gerald, you’re the future of humanity!”
  • Critics and Trolls:
    Gerald refers to his detractors as “unenlightened drones,” frequently calling them out in videos. He claims they’re secretly funded by “Big Toaster.”

The Internet Loves to Hate Him​

Gerald’s antics have made him a frequent subject of internet forums and meme pages. Screenshots of his failed inventions, bizarre live streams, and clueless rants often go viral. His attempts to defend himself only add fuel to the fire. For instance:

  • Critic: “Why does your Airless Umbrella do literally nothing?”
  • Gerald: “Do you think Picasso’s first critics understood Guernica? No! The umbrella symbolizes our need to shield ourselves from negativity!”

Goals and Aspirations​

  • Short-Term Goal: To raise $1 million on his Kickstarter for a "solar-powered fleshlight."
  • Long-Term Goal: To be recognized as a genius innovator and invited to speak at TED Talks.
  • Ultimate Fantasy: Winning a Nobel Prize for “innovating humanity into the future.”
 
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Cosmyck said:
What if we hired a tranny hooker and have them send the moon to Zane?
Click to expand...
He'd immediately go live and rope the hooker in and call the cops while on stream.
He'd then update us all on social media the next day to tell us the hooker stole everything "when they left", which would itself lead onto a hilarious saga as kiwis try to figure out how long the troon actually stayed for and did Zane fuck it.
 
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