Serious question does anyone know how I can become a wildlife/wildfire (part time) firefighter in my state? It's clear that climate change will make these fires more common (however incompetence will make them worse), but I want to help...somehow...
I'm going to assume you live somewhere near california or one of the other climate change sensitive, progressive coastal cities. Here's a quick guide:
First step is to learn how to fight a fire.
You dont need formal training to learn how to do this. In fact most fire departments love entrepreneurial, self-starter fire fighters. Since most people dont encounter wild fires in their day to day, it becomes your prerogative to start your own and put it out before the fire brigade arrives. This will make you look like the hero you aspire to be and demonstrate your worth to your future employer.
The best way to do this is using highly volatile organic compounds. Gasoline is best as it is ubiquitous, can be acquired in great quantities without a license, and is relatively cheap. Motor oil is less volatile, but it too can be used and provides a tougher challenge for an aspiring fire fighter to put out. Go ahead and dump some on some dry-ish shrubs near fine shopping establishments such as Hole Foods, Moo-Moo Lemon, StarCucks, or if you're really trying to impress local authorities, you can try nearby democrat gatherings. This has the added benefit of helping to demonstrate the effects of climate change and convert any nearby climate deniers to your cause.
Once the fluids have been properly dispersed and respects have been paid to all of the POC and indigenous scientists that have made this and every other fire starting and fire fighting technology possible in the first place, use some flint and tinder to start the fire and begin your training. If anyone notices you doing this and protests you conducting your training exercise in their vicinity, take down their name and social security number. Once the training exercise is concluded report them to local and/or federal authorities on suspicion of anti-american activities and anti-POC sentiment.
Now that the flames are starting to roar, you may begin putting them out. Did you know that urine is the oldest firefighting tool in people-kinds history and works best for such endeavors? I'd recommend hydrating a day beforehand and bringing a jug of water with you so as to keep the tank topped off while fire fighting. At this point you may notice a crowd start to form around you with many onlookers yelling and panicking due to your training routine. This is normal. At times like this, its best to get our your cellular device, open up tiktok, youtube, or facebook, and post a video of your heroic efforts at putting out the blaze. It is
highly recommended to also include secret fire fighter hashtags such as #BLM, #ACAB, #CLIMATECHANGE, and #DEMOCRACY to make sure that the record shows that you truly know what you're doing.
Hopefully, you've brought ample hydration and the fire is out. About this time, fire trucks and local police should be arriving, assuming their department funding hasnt been
cut transfered to American areas more in need of the funds, areas such as Ukraine, Israel, and Washington DC.
This first interaction with your future employer is critical. Make sure that the authorities know that you're the hero who started and then put out the fire. Using codewords such as "ACAB", "I cant breathe", and "George Floyd dindu nuffin" will ensure that you're taken straight to the fire fighting headquarters where you will be commended for your actions and awarded a well paying job, if not leadership over the DEIpartment.
If on the offchance that you're taken to jail first,
do not panic. Make sure to resist arrest at first, and demonstrate your upper body strength to the officers. This is a test of mental and physical fortitude to see if you're truly cut out for the rigors of the job. Inform the officers that you're just protesting climate change, they should be defunded, and that you're a sovereign citizen. Once you prove your aptitude and mental acuity, the officers will transfer you over to the institution you're most suited to.
When you've followed these steps and acquired your dream job, feel free to come back and give us the great news.