- Joined
- Jun 17, 2024
Amanda Marie Lochmann / Colton Marshall Lochmann / Battyforluv / GamingbatTheGamingPony / JustaBatto95 / battyforgothgf / Ghostguy15 / Saladfingy05 - Brony. Stinkditched Transbian. AGP Incel. Creepy Sex Pest. Autistic Crybully. Bitter Loser. Antiwork Unemployed NEET. "Enlightened" Atheist. Satanist. Toy Reviewer. PA Request Revenge Plot Backfired Spectacularly.
- Thread starter Admiral Throbnelius
- Start date
- Joined
- May 23, 2019
Colton can take his birth certificate and IDs that say he's a woman and put them in the bathroom along with the horse cock soap. They're all joke items now.
- Joined
- Apr 19, 2023
Yeah, one of those is a "joke," let's call it that.
- Joined
- Jun 17, 2024
Man, I wish Colton didn't have to be nudged just to say something funny. Without his tranny seethe, it's just boring cat retweets and "be goth mommy gf now" replies.
- Joined
- Apr 4, 2018
I already know his response to the trump stuff: I AM NOT LIKE THE OTHER TROONS! I AM AN WOMAN!
Although he probably would never use the word troon, that was all me. We already know he only considers himself to be a woman, all other troons are men who he won't date (any more) but might if there's a free steak dinner involved.
Although he probably would never use the word troon, that was all me. We already know he only considers himself to be a woman, all other troons are men who he won't date (any more) but might if there's a free steak dinner involved.
- Joined
- Jun 16, 2018
- Joined
- Aug 22, 2022
Oh, to be a fly on the wall when Colton gets a government document and it lists his gender as "M."
I imagine he'll hit himself in the head out of anger. "NO NO NO! I AM NOT AN MAN, I AM AN WOMAN!" *smack smack smack*
Man, I miss it when Colton was here. He was fun to bully, the obnoxious little faggot.
I imagine he'll hit himself in the head out of anger. "NO NO NO! I AM NOT AN MAN, I AM AN WOMAN!" *smack smack smack*
Man, I miss it when Colton was here. He was fun to bully, the obnoxious little faggot.
Slave
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Jan 29, 2025
Hello everybody, I just joined the farms to add to this here thread.
I’m what you may call a “Colton insider”. I grew up with Colton, went to the same school as him, and witnessed lots of drama first hand with him. Some of the details about Colton’s background that I’ve come across on this forum are a little vague or factually untrue, and there are other things I’d like to add just for the sake of a fuller picture.
-In elementary school, he was in special ed, where he was ranked consistently as a level 1 student, which was reserved for the worst-behaved or laziest students. Level 1 students were usually isolated from the rest of class where they had to do school work at their own tiny desks in a corner instead of participate in any group activities or talk to any classmates. In addition, level 1 students couldn’t go on field trips or have any other special privileges. Level 3 students were the good students who had all the privileges, and level 2’s were still basically good enough. In a class of 20 or 25 or so, only one other student, a very low functioning autistic boy, stayed at level 1 for an extended period of time. It is generally really hard to get down to a level 1 in that school. I transferred to a different elementary school sometime later, and I did not go to the same middle school as him, but we were reunited in high school.
-Colton did not graduate from Woodburn High School. He was expelled freshman year after nine prior suspensions in that same year. I don’t know the exact reason for his expulsion, but the rumor was that he assaulted a teacher. He later went to a different school for kids with special needs in or around Wilsonville, but he somehow didn’t finish there either (another expulsion is my guess). After that school, he went to Woodburn Success High School where he probably acquired his GED, assuming he didn’t get expelled there either. Woodburn Success is an alternative high school where you can acquire a GED, and it is not the same as Woodburn High School where you can get a regular high school diploma.
-In freshman year together, he was very open about wanting a goth or an emo girlfriend, and preferably one that was lesbian because “lesbians are hot”. Yes, you heard that right! Wanting a gothic lesbian girlfriend goes back as far as his freshman year, long before he even had the thought of transitioning!
-During what would have been his sophomore year, more specifically toward the third trimester, he met an emo girl named Crystal and they really hit it off, becoming best friends and later bitter enemies. This is the same Crystal with purple hair that Colton’s mom talked about on Facebook in that one screenshot in the OP. There’s a hilarious saga that involves Colton, Crystal, Crystal’s boyfriend named Nate, and a classmate named Brent. This was one of the funniest Colton moments that I remember which I’ll come back to in a bit. Get some popcorn ready.
-At the age of 16, Colton would get his first girlfriend. It was with a 13 year old girl, and he allegedly shoved his hands down her pants on their first date. She dumped him one week later.
-Shortly after his first breakup, Colton would make another girlfriend. This particular girlfriend had doubts that he was being faithful to her, so she set up a sting operation of sorts. That sting operation was actually just a fake Facebook account, and all she did was send him a friend request. He took the bait instantly and tried flirting with that fake facebook account. Needless to say she dumped him after that, but he got verbally vicious with her afterward, also setting the double standard that it was perfectly fine for him to cheat but not fine for her to cheat if she wanted to.
-A year or two after his last girlfriend, from what would’ve been his senior year, he would make another girlfriend. This one lasted a bit longer, but they also had an extremely verbal falling out. He hated her so much after the breakup. He even posted screenshots of their sexts on Facebook to “prove that she was an raging slut”, even though it was clear that Colton was the more horny of the two. Later on, she suffered a medical crisis and needed to be rushed to the hospital, where she would make a full recovery. It was her respectable ex of two years that came to her rescue and not Colton. When Colton heard that news, he was devastated that it wasn’t him who helped her and felt remorseful by the way he had treated her, but I don’t think it was because he felt sorry. He apparently tried to make amends with her afterward, but she wasn’t having any of it, and so he went immediately back to the “fuck you’s” to her and to that particular ex who saved her.
>>It was sometime after this incident with that girlfriend where I’ve had enough of him and I unfriended him on Facebook and cut all ties with him. Since my days in high school, I didn’t really expect him to amount to much as an adult, and I can clearly see that not only has that prediction come true, but there is now even an entire 447 page kiwifarm thread dedicated to him.
-Colton has always been openly hateful toward gays as long as I’ve known him. Lesbians, of course, were the only exception to this rule.
-Colton was not bullied by “chupapis” as long as I’ve known him. Rather, he was made fun of by everybody of every race. The town of Woodburn is majority Hispanic however, but I digress. He did not show any signs of racism back then. I’m one of those “chupapis” that he now apparently hates, and for reasons unknown, he wanted to be friends with me. He was friends with other Latinos as well. I remember he even made a YouTube series with another Latino kid titled “The Messed Up Kids Show” on a different channel, which I think was supposed to be comedy, but the delivery was so cringy and full of non-sequiturs, it was unwatchable. I can’t find that YouTube channel now, so I assume it’s also been deleted.
-As long as I’ve known him, Colton would write “an” for everything instead of using it properly. For example, he would write “an banana, an cup, an event, an turtle” etc. instead of “a banana, a cup, an event, a turtle”. Seems like he still makes the same error today albeit a little less frequent.
I think that’s all of the things that come to mind now. Feel free to ask any questions, and I’ll also try to add anything else in the coming days that may come to mind.
And before I forget. Let me tell you about that story that involves Crystal, Nate, and Brent, AKA the funniest Colton incident that I can recall. Do you have your popcorn ready?
So, the backstory is that a bisexual emo girl, probably autistic, also vegan, named Crystal, moves from Portland to Woodburn at the beginning of sophomore year after her dad becomes homeless and resorts to living out of his lemon of a car. Being the same age as Colton, she did not have a mother growing up, and with a financially unstable dad, probably on drugs, she seemed to have had a rough upbringing. She moved into another Woodburn High School student’s house, who’s name was Andy, and then she starts going to school at Woodburn High School. After moving in with Andy, she instantly starts dating him, turning him vegan and emo in the process, then they break up after a month and begin to despise each other, though she still continues living at his house for several months after the fact. Throughout the months, she dates one boy, turns him vegan and emo, dumps him, dates another, wash, rinse, repeat, until she reconnects over Facebook with an old classmate from her former high school in Portland, a pothead named Nate.
Nate is your typical stoner. He skips class, he skateboards, he eats junk food, but most importantly, he smokes weed, the only plant that Crystal doesn’t like. So, on the condition that he stops smoking weed and becomes vegan, she asks him to be his girlfriend, which he agrees to. And she actually sticks with him! However, it was a relationship that was limited to Facebook, as he lived all the way in Portland and she in Woodburn, and they were too broke to find the means to see each other in person.
About three months later, she and Colton somehow cross paths. Since Colton has long been expelled from the school at this point, how they met still remains a mystery to me, but I digress. They become best friends instantly. Crystal sees him just about every day after school. They go places. They ride skateboards. She convinces him to dye his hair. He even “accidentally” touches her boobs. But the cherry on top is that she’s emo and she just so happens to be bisexual (which is close enough to lesbian), so that automatically makes her wife material in Colton’s eyes. With nothing left to lose, he eventually asks her out. But, Crystal rejects, saying that she’s already in a happy relationship with Nate. So then Colton asks her to break up with Nate, which she refuses. But rather than accepting that fact, he demands that she breaks up with Nate or else. And now a broken Colton burns the bridge that he built with her. He unleashes the “fuck you’s” and the “fuck Nate’s”, and wishes the both of them would die. And what did Crystal do? She’d say the “fuck you’s” back. This would go on for about another month or so, where Brent enters the story.
Brent was some geeky kid, a socially inept brainiac, probably autistic, and someone who I knew quite well since middle school. He was a master of computers and a skilled hacker, someone who “likes being single”, a kid with many quirks and very odd opinions about the world, but overall a pretty chill guy. He also liked the occasional practical joke, sometimes even committing several months to one. At first glance, Brent would be an easy target for a bully, but in actuality, nobody bothered to mess with him because he would retaliate by hacking their social media accounts. Like myself, he’s known Colton over the years and became acquainted with Crystal earlier in the school year. Brent was largely oblivious to interpersonal drama, however he felt it was his duty to dissolve conflict if he ever saw it arise. And when Colton and Crystal’s drama entered his crosshairs, he took a shot.
A while before the Colton-Crystal conflict came to be, Colton created a Facebook group appropriately titled “Colton Lochmann”, reserved for his closest friends, which included Crystal and Brent. I was not invited to his group, nor really was anyone else. Maybe four people were members of his group at most? From what I remember of Brent’s account of the situation, it was on that Facebook group’s messenger where Colton and Crystal had their little war. One night, the first thing he saw from Colton Lochmann, was “Fuck you, I wish you were dead,” and a confused Brent responded with “What did I do?” before realizing the message was not a direct message toward him, but rather a group message toward Crystal. And to every terrible message that Colton would send, Crystal would give a taunting reply. It’s in this group chat where Brent would side with Crystal the majority of the time due to how unhinged Colton was, but he would still try to be as polite to Colton as possible, and Colton would still remain friendly to Brent. And this would go on for probably weeks until Crystal suddenly breaks up with Nate after she finds out that he’s been secretly smoking weed this entire time. How Crystal saw it, weed was more important than she was, and was therefore “possibly also cheating” on her. Basically, she couldn’t trust him anymore.
So now, Crystal, who by her own account “hates being single”, tells Colton that she broke up with Nate, and it’s only then that Colton suddenly changes his tone toward her and seemingly starts to realize that if he hadn’t been an asshole to her, he could’ve easily had her. However, Crystal was having none of it. And when Brent got word that she dumped Nate, he took it as an opportunity to fuck with Colton by telling him “Yeah, that’s right. She dumped Nate and now she’s with me. We’re dating now.” Then, Colton gets really angry at him, saying things like “YOU ARE DEAD TO ME! YOU ALWAYS KNEW I WAS CRAZY ABOUT HER!” and Brent continues to fuck with him, only fueling an angrier Colton. And then he finally admits that it’s a joke, then Colton calms down and instantly acts friendly to him again. While Brent was not actually romantically interested in Crystal, Crystal actually developed feelings for him behind the scenes, which becomes a significant part of the story about a week later.
So, a few days pass and Crystal told me that she likes Brent and that Colton somehow knows about it, and she wanted me to tell Brent about it before Colton got to him and manipulated him against her. Since I wanted to stay out of this, I of course didn’t alert Brent of anything, especially since she could’ve told him herself, but he heard from somebody else that day as it would turn out. And since this was apparently the first time a girl showed interest in him, he didn’t know how to react. He asked around for advice on what to do in that situation, properly expressing he’s not interested in her, and what he got out of it was “ask her out, what’s the worst that can happen?” So he asks her out and then they start dating, and then he turns vegan but somehow doesn’t go emo right away. Brent then blocks Colton off Facebook in attempt to hide the relationship from him. But that’s when a livid Colton, who knew well about it at this point, tells me that he’s gonna make it his mission to kill Brent and rape Crystal, and it seemed like he was dead serious, so I pass that information off to Brent and it spooked him silly. Though, he quickly learned how to deal with Colton. And over the months, Brent and Crystal stayed together while being at constant war with Colton. At one point, Brent managed to hack Colton’s ghostguy15 YouTube account and held it ransom for a bit, going as far as to upload a video of himself onto that channel as evidence, but Colton’s mom quickly got involved and he surrendered the account back to Colton. According to Brent, Colton’s YouTube password was, ingeniously, “ghostbusters”. After that YouTube incident, Colton took a step back and stopped with the aggression. And maybe not even two months later, Colton somehow crossed paths with Brent and Crystal again, and they all became friends again. And from how it was described, it was very peaceful… Until Colton strikes again.
A few weeks later, while Crystal and Brent were hanging out, Colton sends Crystal a creepy public Facebook message, something among the lines of “Hey Crystal. Thank you for helping me masturbate today. I can’t wait to see you this weekend. French kiss.” When Crystal sent him a confused reply, that’s when Colton explained “I was on the phone with you for two hours today where we had phone sex and you said you wanted to meet me for the real thing this weekend.”
However, as it turned out, it was actually one of Colton’s ex girlfriends pretending to be Crystal over the phone in order to start some drama. Despite that, he was still horny for some sweet Crystal pussy, and got angered when she refused to give him any. And from here, another acquaintance named Katy got involved, whom naturally sided against Colton and gave some of the best jabs. So it was 3v1. Crystal, Brent, Katy vs. Colton. I don’t remember much of the conversational details of this one, other than the following day in class where Brent and moreso Katy were laughing about how ridiculous Colton is. But what I do remember from that public Facebook interaction is Colton saying “FUCK YOU CRYSTAL! FUCK YOU BRENT! YOU HAVE SCREWED ME OVER FOR THE LAST TIME!” Shortly thereafter, Colton would do something that would put him in juvenile detention, which marks the end of Colton in this saga.
In case you want to know the rest of the story, I'll continue...
At the beginning of junior year, Crystal got kicked out of Andy’s house for insulting his morbidly obese mother and later moves in with her sex-addicted slut friend who would go through boyfriends every other day. As a side note, that friend nearly raped one of my male friends when he was at her house, but I digress. But a month or two later, that friend’s parents kicked her out of that house too, and she claimed on Facebook that the reason she got kicked out was that she told her slut friend’s 10 year old brother that “Santa isn’t real”, but I honestly doubt that’s all it was. That night, her dad picked her up and the two of them went back to Portland, forcing her to drop out of Woodburn High School. Her dad finally found a house to squat in by this time, located in the most trashy part of Portland, and that’s where she lived from there. Even after all of this, she was incredibly ungrateful to Andy and his parents and to her slut friend’s parents for giving her a place to stay in her situation, and she could’ve been living a happier life if she just had a little self control. She never took responsibility for her actions, and as far as she was concerned, they were all a bunch of backstabbing fakies.
Crystal would soon cheat on Brent with another boy, successfully hiding it from the both of them while telling Brent that she’s turning lesbian and losing feelings for him and wants to break up, and Brent would accept it and would be downgraded to “just friends”. He dealt with it very well at first. However, he would snap about three weeks later after discovering that her new girlfriend is actually a boy named Justin, and then he would lash out at Crystal terribly. He became the most unhinged person I’ve ever seen at that point, saying things to Crystal many times worse than what Colton had ever said to anybody; all of which was extremely out of character for him. However, unlike Colton, he at least felt remorse and genuinely apologized to Crystal afterward, and the two were able to bury the hatchet after that. They even managed to get back together after she got dumped by Justin, albeit confined to a long distance relationship since she was in Portland and he was in Woodburn, and that’s when Brent finally turned emo. During their second run together is when I started to notice he was actually getting abused pretty badly in that relationship, and it was becoming more and more apparent that Crystal was a shithead. She was pretty vicious to others as well. I remember one particular instance in 2012, toward the end of Junior year, three students caused a fire at the school, which completely destroyed at least four classrooms and disrupted class for two weeks, as well as destroying many of the seniors’ graduation projects. As the fire happened, Crystal pisses everybody off at Woodburn via Facebook, writing something among the lines of “I just heard that WHS caught fire and many are saddened by it. Good. That place was full of posers and losers anyways. I’m happy that place burned to the ground. Cry me a river, you fuckheads,” which naturally caused an uproar and was one of the last straws for Brent. After a breaking point, he finally had the strength to dump her for good at the end of junior year and he moved forward with his life, completely ditching the emo style and the veganism. He remained single and happy all of senior year. It sounds like he remained on good terms with Colton even after all of this.
Years later, Crystal shocked the world by coming out as trans, transitioning to male, and apparently had more enemies than friends after having a bit of an identity crisis and accusing all of her friends of being fake. She moved away from Oregon and went through several name changes and several Facebook accounts before I lost track of her. I did find her dad’s Facebook profile though, who made a post visible to the public about how his daughter cut him off after he disapproved of her gender reassessment surgery. Sad.
Brent I only saw twice after graduation, the first time in 2017 or 2018 at the Woodburn Carl’s Jr where he was enthusiastically telling me about some invention he was working on during his free time (which was extremely technical and way over my head), and the second time in 2021 at a Portland Fred Meyer shopping with his friend from Japan (whom he was speaking fluent Japanese with), where he revealed to me that he’s been studying Japanese as a hobby since graduation. He seemed to be living a really happy life. However, allegedly sometime last year, he committed seppuku at his workplace after somehow shaming himself for something that wasn’t really a big deal. He was 28. Glad to know studying about Japan finally paid off, at least.
Colton I have not seen or talked to since high school, but as we all know, the case of Colton Lochmann has already been well documented, so maybe my work here is done.
I’m what you may call a “Colton insider”. I grew up with Colton, went to the same school as him, and witnessed lots of drama first hand with him. Some of the details about Colton’s background that I’ve come across on this forum are a little vague or factually untrue, and there are other things I’d like to add just for the sake of a fuller picture.
-In elementary school, he was in special ed, where he was ranked consistently as a level 1 student, which was reserved for the worst-behaved or laziest students. Level 1 students were usually isolated from the rest of class where they had to do school work at their own tiny desks in a corner instead of participate in any group activities or talk to any classmates. In addition, level 1 students couldn’t go on field trips or have any other special privileges. Level 3 students were the good students who had all the privileges, and level 2’s were still basically good enough. In a class of 20 or 25 or so, only one other student, a very low functioning autistic boy, stayed at level 1 for an extended period of time. It is generally really hard to get down to a level 1 in that school. I transferred to a different elementary school sometime later, and I did not go to the same middle school as him, but we were reunited in high school.
-Colton did not graduate from Woodburn High School. He was expelled freshman year after nine prior suspensions in that same year. I don’t know the exact reason for his expulsion, but the rumor was that he assaulted a teacher. He later went to a different school for kids with special needs in or around Wilsonville, but he somehow didn’t finish there either (another expulsion is my guess). After that school, he went to Woodburn Success High School where he probably acquired his GED, assuming he didn’t get expelled there either. Woodburn Success is an alternative high school where you can acquire a GED, and it is not the same as Woodburn High School where you can get a regular high school diploma.
-In freshman year together, he was very open about wanting a goth or an emo girlfriend, and preferably one that was lesbian because “lesbians are hot”. Yes, you heard that right! Wanting a gothic lesbian girlfriend goes back as far as his freshman year, long before he even had the thought of transitioning!
-During what would have been his sophomore year, more specifically toward the third trimester, he met an emo girl named Crystal and they really hit it off, becoming best friends and later bitter enemies. This is the same Crystal with purple hair that Colton’s mom talked about on Facebook in that one screenshot in the OP. There’s a hilarious saga that involves Colton, Crystal, Crystal’s boyfriend named Nate, and a classmate named Brent. This was one of the funniest Colton moments that I remember which I’ll come back to in a bit. Get some popcorn ready.
-At the age of 16, Colton would get his first girlfriend. It was with a 13 year old girl, and he allegedly shoved his hands down her pants on their first date. She dumped him one week later.
-Shortly after his first breakup, Colton would make another girlfriend. This particular girlfriend had doubts that he was being faithful to her, so she set up a sting operation of sorts. That sting operation was actually just a fake Facebook account, and all she did was send him a friend request. He took the bait instantly and tried flirting with that fake facebook account. Needless to say she dumped him after that, but he got verbally vicious with her afterward, also setting the double standard that it was perfectly fine for him to cheat but not fine for her to cheat if she wanted to.
-A year or two after his last girlfriend, from what would’ve been his senior year, he would make another girlfriend. This one lasted a bit longer, but they also had an extremely verbal falling out. He hated her so much after the breakup. He even posted screenshots of their sexts on Facebook to “prove that she was an raging slut”, even though it was clear that Colton was the more horny of the two. Later on, she suffered a medical crisis and needed to be rushed to the hospital, where she would make a full recovery. It was her respectable ex of two years that came to her rescue and not Colton. When Colton heard that news, he was devastated that it wasn’t him who helped her and felt remorseful by the way he had treated her, but I don’t think it was because he felt sorry. He apparently tried to make amends with her afterward, but she wasn’t having any of it, and so he went immediately back to the “fuck you’s” to her and to that particular ex who saved her.
>>It was sometime after this incident with that girlfriend where I’ve had enough of him and I unfriended him on Facebook and cut all ties with him. Since my days in high school, I didn’t really expect him to amount to much as an adult, and I can clearly see that not only has that prediction come true, but there is now even an entire 447 page kiwifarm thread dedicated to him.
-Colton has always been openly hateful toward gays as long as I’ve known him. Lesbians, of course, were the only exception to this rule.
-Colton was not bullied by “chupapis” as long as I’ve known him. Rather, he was made fun of by everybody of every race. The town of Woodburn is majority Hispanic however, but I digress. He did not show any signs of racism back then. I’m one of those “chupapis” that he now apparently hates, and for reasons unknown, he wanted to be friends with me. He was friends with other Latinos as well. I remember he even made a YouTube series with another Latino kid titled “The Messed Up Kids Show” on a different channel, which I think was supposed to be comedy, but the delivery was so cringy and full of non-sequiturs, it was unwatchable. I can’t find that YouTube channel now, so I assume it’s also been deleted.
-As long as I’ve known him, Colton would write “an” for everything instead of using it properly. For example, he would write “an banana, an cup, an event, an turtle” etc. instead of “a banana, a cup, an event, a turtle”. Seems like he still makes the same error today albeit a little less frequent.
I think that’s all of the things that come to mind now. Feel free to ask any questions, and I’ll also try to add anything else in the coming days that may come to mind.
And before I forget. Let me tell you about that story that involves Crystal, Nate, and Brent, AKA the funniest Colton incident that I can recall. Do you have your popcorn ready?
So, the backstory is that a bisexual emo girl, probably autistic, also vegan, named Crystal, moves from Portland to Woodburn at the beginning of sophomore year after her dad becomes homeless and resorts to living out of his lemon of a car. Being the same age as Colton, she did not have a mother growing up, and with a financially unstable dad, probably on drugs, she seemed to have had a rough upbringing. She moved into another Woodburn High School student’s house, who’s name was Andy, and then she starts going to school at Woodburn High School. After moving in with Andy, she instantly starts dating him, turning him vegan and emo in the process, then they break up after a month and begin to despise each other, though she still continues living at his house for several months after the fact. Throughout the months, she dates one boy, turns him vegan and emo, dumps him, dates another, wash, rinse, repeat, until she reconnects over Facebook with an old classmate from her former high school in Portland, a pothead named Nate.
Nate is your typical stoner. He skips class, he skateboards, he eats junk food, but most importantly, he smokes weed, the only plant that Crystal doesn’t like. So, on the condition that he stops smoking weed and becomes vegan, she asks him to be his girlfriend, which he agrees to. And she actually sticks with him! However, it was a relationship that was limited to Facebook, as he lived all the way in Portland and she in Woodburn, and they were too broke to find the means to see each other in person.
About three months later, she and Colton somehow cross paths. Since Colton has long been expelled from the school at this point, how they met still remains a mystery to me, but I digress. They become best friends instantly. Crystal sees him just about every day after school. They go places. They ride skateboards. She convinces him to dye his hair. He even “accidentally” touches her boobs. But the cherry on top is that she’s emo and she just so happens to be bisexual (which is close enough to lesbian), so that automatically makes her wife material in Colton’s eyes. With nothing left to lose, he eventually asks her out. But, Crystal rejects, saying that she’s already in a happy relationship with Nate. So then Colton asks her to break up with Nate, which she refuses. But rather than accepting that fact, he demands that she breaks up with Nate or else. And now a broken Colton burns the bridge that he built with her. He unleashes the “fuck you’s” and the “fuck Nate’s”, and wishes the both of them would die. And what did Crystal do? She’d say the “fuck you’s” back. This would go on for about another month or so, where Brent enters the story.
Brent was some geeky kid, a socially inept brainiac, probably autistic, and someone who I knew quite well since middle school. He was a master of computers and a skilled hacker, someone who “likes being single”, a kid with many quirks and very odd opinions about the world, but overall a pretty chill guy. He also liked the occasional practical joke, sometimes even committing several months to one. At first glance, Brent would be an easy target for a bully, but in actuality, nobody bothered to mess with him because he would retaliate by hacking their social media accounts. Like myself, he’s known Colton over the years and became acquainted with Crystal earlier in the school year. Brent was largely oblivious to interpersonal drama, however he felt it was his duty to dissolve conflict if he ever saw it arise. And when Colton and Crystal’s drama entered his crosshairs, he took a shot.
A while before the Colton-Crystal conflict came to be, Colton created a Facebook group appropriately titled “Colton Lochmann”, reserved for his closest friends, which included Crystal and Brent. I was not invited to his group, nor really was anyone else. Maybe four people were members of his group at most? From what I remember of Brent’s account of the situation, it was on that Facebook group’s messenger where Colton and Crystal had their little war. One night, the first thing he saw from Colton Lochmann, was “Fuck you, I wish you were dead,” and a confused Brent responded with “What did I do?” before realizing the message was not a direct message toward him, but rather a group message toward Crystal. And to every terrible message that Colton would send, Crystal would give a taunting reply. It’s in this group chat where Brent would side with Crystal the majority of the time due to how unhinged Colton was, but he would still try to be as polite to Colton as possible, and Colton would still remain friendly to Brent. And this would go on for probably weeks until Crystal suddenly breaks up with Nate after she finds out that he’s been secretly smoking weed this entire time. How Crystal saw it, weed was more important than she was, and was therefore “possibly also cheating” on her. Basically, she couldn’t trust him anymore.
So now, Crystal, who by her own account “hates being single”, tells Colton that she broke up with Nate, and it’s only then that Colton suddenly changes his tone toward her and seemingly starts to realize that if he hadn’t been an asshole to her, he could’ve easily had her. However, Crystal was having none of it. And when Brent got word that she dumped Nate, he took it as an opportunity to fuck with Colton by telling him “Yeah, that’s right. She dumped Nate and now she’s with me. We’re dating now.” Then, Colton gets really angry at him, saying things like “YOU ARE DEAD TO ME! YOU ALWAYS KNEW I WAS CRAZY ABOUT HER!” and Brent continues to fuck with him, only fueling an angrier Colton. And then he finally admits that it’s a joke, then Colton calms down and instantly acts friendly to him again. While Brent was not actually romantically interested in Crystal, Crystal actually developed feelings for him behind the scenes, which becomes a significant part of the story about a week later.
So, a few days pass and Crystal told me that she likes Brent and that Colton somehow knows about it, and she wanted me to tell Brent about it before Colton got to him and manipulated him against her. Since I wanted to stay out of this, I of course didn’t alert Brent of anything, especially since she could’ve told him herself, but he heard from somebody else that day as it would turn out. And since this was apparently the first time a girl showed interest in him, he didn’t know how to react. He asked around for advice on what to do in that situation, properly expressing he’s not interested in her, and what he got out of it was “ask her out, what’s the worst that can happen?” So he asks her out and then they start dating, and then he turns vegan but somehow doesn’t go emo right away. Brent then blocks Colton off Facebook in attempt to hide the relationship from him. But that’s when a livid Colton, who knew well about it at this point, tells me that he’s gonna make it his mission to kill Brent and rape Crystal, and it seemed like he was dead serious, so I pass that information off to Brent and it spooked him silly. Though, he quickly learned how to deal with Colton. And over the months, Brent and Crystal stayed together while being at constant war with Colton. At one point, Brent managed to hack Colton’s ghostguy15 YouTube account and held it ransom for a bit, going as far as to upload a video of himself onto that channel as evidence, but Colton’s mom quickly got involved and he surrendered the account back to Colton. According to Brent, Colton’s YouTube password was, ingeniously, “ghostbusters”. After that YouTube incident, Colton took a step back and stopped with the aggression. And maybe not even two months later, Colton somehow crossed paths with Brent and Crystal again, and they all became friends again. And from how it was described, it was very peaceful… Until Colton strikes again.
A few weeks later, while Crystal and Brent were hanging out, Colton sends Crystal a creepy public Facebook message, something among the lines of “Hey Crystal. Thank you for helping me masturbate today. I can’t wait to see you this weekend. French kiss.” When Crystal sent him a confused reply, that’s when Colton explained “I was on the phone with you for two hours today where we had phone sex and you said you wanted to meet me for the real thing this weekend.”
However, as it turned out, it was actually one of Colton’s ex girlfriends pretending to be Crystal over the phone in order to start some drama. Despite that, he was still horny for some sweet Crystal pussy, and got angered when she refused to give him any. And from here, another acquaintance named Katy got involved, whom naturally sided against Colton and gave some of the best jabs. So it was 3v1. Crystal, Brent, Katy vs. Colton. I don’t remember much of the conversational details of this one, other than the following day in class where Brent and moreso Katy were laughing about how ridiculous Colton is. But what I do remember from that public Facebook interaction is Colton saying “FUCK YOU CRYSTAL! FUCK YOU BRENT! YOU HAVE SCREWED ME OVER FOR THE LAST TIME!” Shortly thereafter, Colton would do something that would put him in juvenile detention, which marks the end of Colton in this saga.
In case you want to know the rest of the story, I'll continue...
At the beginning of junior year, Crystal got kicked out of Andy’s house for insulting his morbidly obese mother and later moves in with her sex-addicted slut friend who would go through boyfriends every other day. As a side note, that friend nearly raped one of my male friends when he was at her house, but I digress. But a month or two later, that friend’s parents kicked her out of that house too, and she claimed on Facebook that the reason she got kicked out was that she told her slut friend’s 10 year old brother that “Santa isn’t real”, but I honestly doubt that’s all it was. That night, her dad picked her up and the two of them went back to Portland, forcing her to drop out of Woodburn High School. Her dad finally found a house to squat in by this time, located in the most trashy part of Portland, and that’s where she lived from there. Even after all of this, she was incredibly ungrateful to Andy and his parents and to her slut friend’s parents for giving her a place to stay in her situation, and she could’ve been living a happier life if she just had a little self control. She never took responsibility for her actions, and as far as she was concerned, they were all a bunch of backstabbing fakies.
Crystal would soon cheat on Brent with another boy, successfully hiding it from the both of them while telling Brent that she’s turning lesbian and losing feelings for him and wants to break up, and Brent would accept it and would be downgraded to “just friends”. He dealt with it very well at first. However, he would snap about three weeks later after discovering that her new girlfriend is actually a boy named Justin, and then he would lash out at Crystal terribly. He became the most unhinged person I’ve ever seen at that point, saying things to Crystal many times worse than what Colton had ever said to anybody; all of which was extremely out of character for him. However, unlike Colton, he at least felt remorse and genuinely apologized to Crystal afterward, and the two were able to bury the hatchet after that. They even managed to get back together after she got dumped by Justin, albeit confined to a long distance relationship since she was in Portland and he was in Woodburn, and that’s when Brent finally turned emo. During their second run together is when I started to notice he was actually getting abused pretty badly in that relationship, and it was becoming more and more apparent that Crystal was a shithead. She was pretty vicious to others as well. I remember one particular instance in 2012, toward the end of Junior year, three students caused a fire at the school, which completely destroyed at least four classrooms and disrupted class for two weeks, as well as destroying many of the seniors’ graduation projects. As the fire happened, Crystal pisses everybody off at Woodburn via Facebook, writing something among the lines of “I just heard that WHS caught fire and many are saddened by it. Good. That place was full of posers and losers anyways. I’m happy that place burned to the ground. Cry me a river, you fuckheads,” which naturally caused an uproar and was one of the last straws for Brent. After a breaking point, he finally had the strength to dump her for good at the end of junior year and he moved forward with his life, completely ditching the emo style and the veganism. He remained single and happy all of senior year. It sounds like he remained on good terms with Colton even after all of this.
Years later, Crystal shocked the world by coming out as trans, transitioning to male, and apparently had more enemies than friends after having a bit of an identity crisis and accusing all of her friends of being fake. She moved away from Oregon and went through several name changes and several Facebook accounts before I lost track of her. I did find her dad’s Facebook profile though, who made a post visible to the public about how his daughter cut him off after he disapproved of her gender reassessment surgery. Sad.
Brent I only saw twice after graduation, the first time in 2017 or 2018 at the Woodburn Carl’s Jr where he was enthusiastically telling me about some invention he was working on during his free time (which was extremely technical and way over my head), and the second time in 2021 at a Portland Fred Meyer shopping with his friend from Japan (whom he was speaking fluent Japanese with), where he revealed to me that he’s been studying Japanese as a hobby since graduation. He seemed to be living a really happy life. However, allegedly sometime last year, he committed seppuku at his workplace after somehow shaming himself for something that wasn’t really a big deal. He was 28. Glad to know studying about Japan finally paid off, at least.
Colton I have not seen or talked to since high school, but as we all know, the case of Colton Lochmann has already been well documented, so maybe my work here is done.
- Joined
- May 19, 2024
Last edited:
- Joined
- Aug 22, 2022
I would ask for proof, but apparently the fire thing is real as pointed out by @Toji Suzuhara so I'll choose to believe you for now.
You said to ask you any questions, so I'll ask the one question about Colton that I'm sure is burning on everyone's mind: did Colton stink? How was Colton's hygiene?
- Joined
- Feb 3, 2023
Slave
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Jan 29, 2025
I'm not one to really remember scents, but now that you mention it, he did have a distinct smell! Not the stinkiest person by any means, but he would probably go several days between showers. His hair was always greasy and often messy. Oh, and he always had bad breath.
- Joined
- Jan 4, 2020
This is some of the saddest words I can think of. Born low iq, stubbornly unchanging, autistic as hell... he had no chance. He was born angry, frustrated, entitled, and retarded. What a sad fucking life (that I'm glad he gets bullied for).
- Joined
- Aug 22, 2022
Thank you.
Please, tell us literally any other embarrassing things about Colton you remember. Literally anything. Even if it seems minor, we all need to know it.
And I'll just say, if you really did go to school with Colton (I'm still going to lean towards caution, you never know when gayops may be afoot) you have my condolences and my respect. I'm glad you got out without that retard shooting the place up.
- Joined
- May 19, 2024
@Slave Did Colton ever get into any actual fights with other people or was it all empty threats? Him FAFOing would be hilarious
- Joined
- Feb 3, 2023
I imagine I can't be the only one that's thinking: It doesn't matter whether or not it's true. The spergout from this is going to be MAGNIFICENT
Slave
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Jan 29, 2025
Well, let's see....
-He liked quoting certain parts of the live-action Cat In The Hat movie. Especially "YOU'RE FIRED!" Like, every single day.
-He would often say "yay donuts" and laugh like it was the funniest thing to him.
-He desperately tried getting a date with a lesbian chick, and I think I remember him touching her ass at one point.
-He got a guitar for Christmas during sophomore year and annoyed someone constantly into somebody's band called "Narcolepsy". That band had no intention of jamming with Colton and they all wanted to get rid of him, so one of them told him "sure, we'll jam! We'll jam tonight inside the library". So Colton, like an idiot, went to the library with both his guitar and amp, waiting for the band to show up who clearly didn't. Even then, he still tried to join them. Also, "Narcolepsy" was a word too difficult for Colton to say, so he requested the band name to be changed to "Narcspy".
- Joined
- Apr 24, 2023
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2019
Colton Lochmann: Level 1 Mexican.
- Joined
- Jan 16, 2017
@Slave , welcome to the Farms! Thanks for your posts.
Whilst I appreciate that it was after your time knowing Colton, why do you think he transitioned? Do you think it was his obsession with getting a "lesbian gf" and the very limited cogs in his brain working out that lesbians will only date you if you're a woman?
Whilst I appreciate that it was after your time knowing Colton, why do you think he transitioned? Do you think it was his obsession with getting a "lesbian gf" and the very limited cogs in his brain working out that lesbians will only date you if you're a woman?