Another day. Another ass livestream. I'm sorry I don't have timestamps. I was listening and taking notes while doing chores.
The main story of course is Junior's pregnancy. I will refer to it this way because Jack insists Junior has the same glow his actual pregnant wife has.
Obviously I had nothing to do with it [the pregnancy].
Extremely strange comment for a father (or anyone) to make about his son's (or anyone's) impending parenthood. Not strange at all for a braindead narcissist.
Perhaps this is why Rob later asks Jack if he plans to livestream the birth.
Non-parents Wouldn't Get It, but Jack used to stare at Junior as he slept because he was amazed he made a human life.
Sincerely doubt this ever happened. Sounds like something someone would say if they, as always, are desperately larping as a normal person who can say the kinds of sentimental things they hear other people saying. (Also as we will see later, when Jack is asked what his 'favorite year of life' is, he does not say the year Junior [or Garrett!] was born!)
Jack is proud of Junior for being a homeowner.
Wonder how that happened on a Chipotle manager and 7/11 janitor and sneaker salesman salary by age 20 or whatever!
Tammy is "so sweet" because she always makes sure his lava lamp is on.
His lava lamp is currently not on. It is totally still and, as always, fecal-colored.
Someone asks, "Why are you private on X?"
Jack replies, "Just for... I don't know. Why? Do you have a problem joining or following me? Why not [be private]? It's a feature you can turn on and off."
He of course struggles to answer this because he can't say the truth: No one
ever engaged with him genuinely on Twitter. He was just mercilessly trolled by people with names like "Beluga Jack Eff You" (one of my favorites).
He's watching a new anime on Crunchyroll. Someone correctly points out that Jack said he didn't like Crunchyroll. He concedes this point but said he had to do it because otherwise he wouldn't be able to watch all the cool shows (lol) Junior watches.
But! Unfortunately! The Crunchyroll "app is WOKE!"
Oops, his bad, guys. He misspoke. He said "woke" but he just meant to say how sometimes the Crunchyroll app loads poorly. In other words, the word "woke" is always just at the tip of Jack's prehensile tongue, waiting to show up to describe something he doesn't like as a filler word. Dude's mind is broken as fuck.
There's still some woke movies coming out which represent "some of the stupid ideology" of a couple years ago. We have to be "patient" because it's going to take some time for all the woke movies to stop being released. He recently saw The Unbreakable Boy and loves that Zachary Levi and "a lot" of other "stars" and "big names" were in it.
Zachary Levi is a pariah who claimed a co-star who died from cancer actually died from getting the Covid vaccine. And literally no one else in the cast has a name you know except for Patricia Heaton, who was the wife in Everybody Loves Raymond 20 years ago.
Jack loses his train of thought and says, "It sucks getting old."
He just turned 57 in December.
Jack: "I pray for my British brothers and sisters all the time." Why? Because "London isn't the London when I was a kid. London's completely different. London's been overrun by people who don't think like London people did, who don't live life as London people."
This man literally speaks and thinks like a four year old.
Someone later asks him what the fuck any of that meant, and Jack's expression reveals he was caught and actually has no idea himself. So he just rambles about the "infiltration" and "importing" of people. And then says he meant he misses when Londoners were "like Americans" (how cosmopolitan!) and "were multicultural" (wat).
He congratulates the Canadians in his chat for winning "the big hockey game" on Thursday.
This proves Jack has zero context for what actually happened, because if he did he would be a lot pissier.
Trump's threats around tariffs and making Canada the 51st state have led Canadians to boo the U.S. anthem pretty lustily before events, which made (right-leaning) American hockey players indignant with rage and also prompted Trump to give them a "pep talk" before the game. Which, again, they ultimately lost, and which led to some pretty moving and iconic scenes afterward for Canada. And which also led Trudeau to
immediately troll Trump on Twitter.
Don't fret, though -- he's still our Jack! A few minutes later he calls Canada "woke a little bit."
Jack: Eating off carnivore ain't gonna kill me.
Eating poison isn't gonna kill you?
Jack continues: There's no rule that says my head's gonna explode if non-carnivore food touches these lips!
Oh.
I would like to see you try all the meat of all the bears in the world, including koala.
- DingDongDoo
Random Stuff
- Jack threatens us with a Guy Fieri Month
- Remember, Jack only knows four chefs: Guy Fieri, Gordon Ramsay, Rachel Ray and Julia Child
- Jack will stop rooting for the Dallas Cowboys because they are so bad
- Great fandom, dude!
- He says he will move to supporting the Los Angeles Chargers instead
- Which only further proves how he's only ever pretended to like or follow football (presumably to appear manly); "Chargering" is a verb because their legacy is zero championships and hilariously cursed ways of losing
- Jack is tricked into asking his phone if "magpie is carnivore"
- A magpie is a bird
- And Jack learns magpies are om-ni-VOR-ous (this is how he stressed the syllables -- like a fourth-grader)
- Jack calls Siri "an idiot" again with a snarl, a week or two after he last called her an idiot, which was also when he claimed that was his first time doing it because he never does it
- Jack warns us that "AI is the new search" and proceeds to call Grok, "Gronk," like the football player
- Jack's favorite year of life was 1985
- Because that's the year he graduated from high school, started DJing "night clubs" and is also the year MTV started
- A quick google reveals MTV started in 1981