I've always struggled with bottom dysphoria. Phallo is my ultimate goal, but unaffordable for now. I experimented with hookups at 18-19, but didn't like it and didn't have sex for five years. I spent that time working on myself inside and out. I kept redownloading and deleting Grindr, talking to guys, but couldn't get comfortable crossing the bridge of disclosing and felt sad that I couldn't just hook up like other guys.
I eventually got annoyed myself for with being in my early 20s, fit and otherwise happy, getting hit on, and not enjoying it. I was on PrEP for a while but wasn't fucking at all, lol. I finally managed to meet up with a guy who became an FWB for a few months, and it was great. He was really sweet about how nervous I was and I got much more comfortable over time. But I felt "stuck" with him, even though I didn't have feelings, because I was still afraid of disclosing to new partners.
After he got a boyfriend, I decided I'd be more casual—keep a few guys in rotation so I wouldn't have a dry spell, lol. I told myself in the new year, I was getting over my hookup anxiety day one. I got a fresh STI test and DoxyPEP. I talked to a few guys and the first time I invited one over, I jumped rope for ten minutes to drain myself of the ability to be nervous. I had fun, so I did it again. And then we were a week into January and I'd slept with three guys.
The good stuff: I've slept with a half dozen guys this year and have two reliable FWBs. I've lost track of how many times I've actually had sex. I was the first trans man any of them had been with, but they (and even other guys I talked to but didn't hook up with) were/are all respectful of my boundaries as a touch-me-not bottom and the language I use about my body. My hookup anxiety disappeared after Guy #2. And I got a huge ego boost from having them express both admiration and envy over how I look after years busting my ass in the gym.
The less good stuff: I thought I had the flu two weeks ago. Then I thought I'd cut myself shaving, but ended up developing more symptoms and got swabbed for herpes. I'm negative for everything else, but I have genital herpes. It can be transmitted by people who are shedding the virus but have no physical symptoms. And your first outbreak fucking hurts. If you have flu-like symptoms (I was really tired and had a runny nose, but that was it), it's worth getting a test, because antivirals help shorten outbreaks the sooner they're taken.
More good stuff: I was really upset at first, but notified my partners immediately and wasn't shamed by any of them. Both of my FWBs are fine continuing to see me. I did a ton of reading, talked to my doctor, and found out that herpes is insanely common among MSM. Numbers conflict, but anywhere from
1/6 to
1/2 of us already have it and that percentage increases as we age. Many guys are asymptomatic and have no clue they have it. They don't even bother testing for it in STI panels unless you're presenting symptoms because of how common but stigmatized it is. The antivirals are cheap, so it'll just be another pill to take with my PrEP.
I'm still struggling a bit with a) the idea of having an even smaller dating pool (gay/bi guys who are cool with trans men who have genital herpes) and b) a feeling of, "Damn, that quick? I just got comfortable with sex!" but I'm optimistic. This more a visibility post than a vent, since I didn't see much about herpes when I searched here. Herpes doesn't end your life, and STIs are a part of life with casual sex. None of us are dirty or have anything to be ashamed about when and if we get a positive STI result
️ being an adult, human, and female
️ anorexia and hair bleach
