minecraft the movie - aka autism the movie; aka stuck in development hell

[Mr.Bucket]

Can we give Jack Black AIDS by sending him an infected mod pack?

Quick, someone contact clairebair.

 

[Trigger Me Timbers]

I hate that the Pajeet in charge of Microsoft outsourced yet another Microsoft product to Pajeets in India. not only because of the massive ramifications it has for the Western world, especially America but also the fact that Indians cannot let anything that they’ve got their disgusting shitty mud covered hands on look bad, so they’re gonna bot the shit out of everything.

I have a fun idea about how this whole thing happened.

“Allo Saar, you be making very very much good software boot boot. My company on needing 3D movie production Studios. Can you be fixing that Saar?”

“Oh yes very much Saar,” *turn sign from software outsourcing to movie outsourcing*

“ hello welcome to Ranjeeps Software— I mean Movie-ware productions.. may I take your order please sarrr”.
“ oh bloody hell saar, a fully animated and live action feature length Hollywood blockbuster movie with A-list celebrities is gonna be quite expensive Saar… Maybe $20 an hour?

 

[Squawking Macaw]

Can we give Jack Black AIDS by sending him an infected mod pack?

Ask byuu about it.

 

[Oliver Onions]

Absolutely lost my shit when Jack Black said "First we mine, then we craft. Lets Minecraft!"

I prefer the original cut where he says "First we Mein, then we Kampf." then Kyle Gass shoots the president.

 

[Necrosan]

If I was the CEO, I'd add Freddy Fazbear and Sans, just turn up the gay to 11.

 

[Patrick Not-Star]

I love reading through this thread. It feels nostalgic. Not nostalgia for Minecraft, but nostalgia for the time when the Internet would rip to shreds shitty films like this without politics. Every bad movie of the 2020s so far has just been a vehicle for Woke BS. Don't get me wrong, the lack of politics doesn't make this movie good, but it's so much fun to shit on things like this.

 

[Cpt. Stud Beefpile]

This 'movie' is the cinema version of 'basic bitch'. It's not the kind of dogshit sellout that Jim Davis did to Garfield or the later Transformers movies that could have been better written by a team from fanfiction.net , but there is just a whole lotta nothing.

They didn't even make an attempt at expanding the Minecraft lore or finding something new/dangerous/mysterious left behind by the previous civilization* or even a B-plot as simple as making a portal with different blocks and ending up making gateways to other exotic places. SO MANY POSSIBILITIES and they fucking whiffed on ALL of them.

You'd legitimately get more fun out of an hour of an especially funny youtube episode than this supposed blockbuster.

*The various ruins and abandoned libraries are hard proof of one if not several.

 

[Captain Chromosome]

Parkour Civilization has far more interesting stakes and writing. This movie isn't a travesty, but it's a good bit worse than I expected.

 

[Pill Cosby]

Wouldn't it be really funny if the Software the Jeetz used to make the film was pirated.

 

[neger psykolog]

I hate that the Pajeet in charge of Microsoft outsourced yet another Microsoft product to Pajeets in India. not only because of the massive ramifications it has for the Western world, especially America but also the fact that Indians cannot let anything that they’ve got their disgusting shitty mud covered hands on look bad, so they’re gonna bot the shit out of everything.

I have a fun idea about how this whole thing happened.

“Allo Saar, you be making very very much good software boot boot. My company on needing 3D movie production Studios. Can you be fixing that Saar?”

“Oh yes very much Saar,” *turn sign from software outsourcing to movie outsourcing*

“ hello welcome to Ranjeeps Software— I mean Movie-ware productions.. may I take your order please sarrr”.
“ oh bloody hell saar, a fully animated and live action feature length Hollywood blockbuster movie with A-list celebrities is gonna be quite expensive Saar… Maybe $20 an hour?

It probably didn't work that way. Most likely the movie studio made a bid to Mojang, before Microsoft even bought Microsoft... and yes that is exactly what happened: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Minecraft_Movie#Development

So they probably signed a deal for the rights 10 years ago and it looks like it went through development hell. If you look at the number of people involved in it, it looks like a "design by committee" project (i.e. you have 100 senior people giving their bullshit input instead of one extremely strong writer/director:

The film's final writing credits went to Chris Bowman, Hubbel Palmer, Neil Widener, Gavin James, and Chris Galletta, who wrote the film from a story by Allison Schroeder, Bowman, and Palmer. Off-screen Additional Literary Material credit was given to Hess, McElhenney, Fuchs, Megan Amram, Kevin Biegel, John Francis Daley, Dana Fox, Hannah Friedman, Jonathan Goldstein, Phil Augusta Jackson, Lauryn Kahn, Kieran Mulroney, Michele Mulroney, Aaron Nee, Adam Nee, Zak Penn, Simon Rich, Peter Sollett, Laura Steinel, Jon Spaihts, Oren Uziel, and Ben Wexler.

Wouldn't it be really funny if the Software the Jeetz used to make the film was pirated.

The problem with using 3rd world countries for CGI or editing shit is that they'll take a $500 bribe and release the entire movie. Movie piracy is fucking huge in India.

-----

Regardless of the CGI version of the movie making it look particularly shit, I think any Minecraft movie was always going to be a dud unless they got someone really strong to do it. Just look at the kind of content that people made around Minecraft, it all sucked shit and involved a bunch of retards (YouTubers) screaming to get kids excited and they all ended up being sexpests.

It's not like a good movie couldn't have been made, but when you look at the path the movie took during development it is totally unsurprising it ended up being shit. They should've made this movie like 5-8 years ago at most, when Minecraft was at its peak.

Anyway, while vanilla Minecraft is fun if you play solo or with a few friends, everyone knows the reality which is that this Minecraft movie will get kids to drag their parents to the cinema and watch it 20 times afterwards on streaming services and it'll end up in the pile of shitty Minecraft merchandise like the books, toys, clothes and stupid fucking swords.

I honestly wish that Mojang/Microsoft had been way more selective with the IP rights of Minecraft, it would've made the game longevity a lot better.

 

[rat fucker]

Son of a fuck, the first 10 minutes were one of the worst introductions to the setting of the movie I have seen by far

 

[Timaeus Testified]

Just wanna point out there's a line in the movie where a character says "I'm gonna have to unalive you". The phrase "unalive" is now in a high-profile kids' movie. The mind virus continues to grow and propagate.

 

[Bâtard Consanguine]

Just wanna point out there's a line in the movie where a character says "I'm gonna have to unalive you". The phrase "unalive" is now in a high-profile kids' movie. The mind virus continues to grow and propagate.

My going mainstream it'll be added to the censorship algorithms along with 'kill' and 'murder' it was made to get around. Then an even more infantilized word will propagate. "Watch out, he's going to uh-oh you!"

 

['Ole Dente]

I just checked and saw the director of Napolean Dyanmite is the director for this.

Sometimes you get the right people, the right script and the right period of time to do something like Napoleon Dynamite. A memorable sonata to awkwardness of a transitioning generation, you can hit the right sweet spot of when you need to pull that off and you can get The Breakfast Club or SLC Punk or Dazed and Confused, that list can go on.

And sometimes you the nigga just doing Minecraft with an embarrassing goofball who should've just kept making delicious and tangy riffs.

 

[Fartificial Insmelligence]

This 'movie' is the cinema version of 'basic bitch'. It's not the kind of dogshit sellout that Jim Davis did to Garfield-

Hey man, Jim Davis has always been honest about his intentions in regards to creating Garfield, he wanted to make the next easily-merchandisable cartoon mascot, and by Gum, he did it! I can respect the man’s honesty and hustle, and Garfield has even given me a few good laughs over the years! That’s more than I can say for a lot of other slop…

 

[Raging Capybara]

Weekend predictions: Minecraft heading to monster opening​

For now, there’s a fairly high degree of uncertainty on where the film might land, but it seems very likely to top $100 million, and could go quite a bit higher. The $146 million earned by The Super Mario Bros. Movie back in 2023 is surely out of reach, but this is feeling like another absolute blockbuster of a weekend for a long-awaited video-game adaptation.

 

[Dr. Ricearoni]

How bad we talkin? Is it worth watching the indian leak?

This movie isn't even fun to watch ironically

 

[Nick Gars]

I already know Jack Black comes home, drops his retard shtick, holds a gun to his head and has to talk himself out of pulling the trigger every night

This is such a delightful image. He's probably been doing this so long that even when he drops the act, he can't stop doing the "Jack Black" voice.

 

[BrunoMattei]

Anyone else remember the youtube gaming channel Jack Black "started"?
Back when those were still fairly popular and it got all hyped because zomg jack black gaming.
Then it bombed immediately and extremely hard because he didn't do anything at all, some random dude was doing everything.

I member. He said he did it for his son but I had my suspicions that it was some marketing bs.

 

[neger psykolog]

Weekend predictions: Minecraft heading to monster opening​

For now, there’s a fairly high degree of uncertainty on where the film might land, but it seems very likely to top $100 million, and could go quite a bit higher. The $146 million earned by The Super Mario Bros. Movie back in 2023 is surely out of reach, but this is feeling like another absolute blockbuster of a weekend for a long-awaited video-game adaptation.

It's a movie that is based on the IP of Minecraft so it was always going to automatically make bucketloads of money regardless of how shit it was.