minecraft the movie - aka autism the movie; aka stuck in development hell

[mindlessobserver]

I am genuinely interested in hearing what your favorite parts were because the only part that got a laugh out of me was when the kid built a propane bomb and bombed the potato chip factory. Any other laughs were me mst3k'ing it with my roommate.

The parts the kids liked. Though Jason Mamoa playing a washed up nerd was rather funny. I could appreciate it for what it was. Low effort entertainment for Gen Alphas. I went in expecting something unwatchable and was mildly entertained.

 

[Day of the Cope]

You know, this premise could have easily worked if Hollywood wasn't creatively bankrupt.

Spoiler: Outline for a better movie

Imagine a man stumbling into a Minecraft world with nothing on the clothes on his back and having to learn how to survive. Figuring out how to build shelter, grow food, and navigate the world. Eventually, he finally conquers the land and... he's still there... He's still stuck in this world. Alone with only a dog and the villagers for what little meagre company that provides. But suddenly, a group of random people suddenly stumble upon your world! This is where the movie would start. They would enter through a portal and, suddenly, the portal breaks. They're stuck, but suddenly that run into an older man... someone stuck in this world for far too long. His name... is Steve.

From here, the group would ask Steve to help them get back. However, after what feels like years alone, Steve is just excited to finally have someone to show his creations like anyone else would to an increasingly irritated group of people. This would result in an elaborate snipe hunt to eventually kill the dragon that shifts between things going wrong and Steve leading them to a farm that he has that can totally fix the issue. Finally, they get to the End and... there's no dragon. It's dead. Then they come to the realisation: everything going wrong from the portal breaking onwards is the result of Steve's deliberate sabotage keeping them trapped. The group is obviously pissed and decide to abandon Steve to try and find their own way home.

Act 1. Over. Act 2. Begin.

From here, the group tries their best to make it on their own without Steve who is wandering around making silly little builds where he sulks. He tries and show the Villagers his products, but they don't seem interested. Probably have a scene where, in a lapse in judgement, he pushes one of the Villagers and the nearby Golem starts attacking him. Chaos ensues and his dog, trying to protect him, ends up getting killed by the Golem as Steve escapes. Meanwhile, in the Nether, the Hoglin army is almost ready to break out from the Nether and into the Overworld. Back to the group, they've managed to reach the Nether as they figure there's something that can get them home. However, they stumble upon the Hoglin army getting their forces ready and know something is going on. The group would rush back to Steve who would be sitting heartbroken at his base, not caring about what's about to happen since "this world... it isn't real" as he fiddles with his dog's collar. But the group would manage a speech explaining that "even if this world isn't real, the joy it brings and the memories they make are real".

Act 2. Over. Act 3. Begin.

Now begins the group, with Steve's help, start planning and building for the oncoming battle. Armies of golems. Hoards of armoured wolves. Large amounts of flying machines. A giant arena prepared with traps. A five-man army that makes it a conflict of the power of creativity verses the raw strength of the Hoglin army. Eventually, our heroes would come out victorious and the leader of the Hoglin army, finally defeated, would drop a special glowing cube that would finally allow them to go home. With all five of them standing at the exit, Steve finally speaks up. He apologises for leading them astray and tricking them and thanking them for rekindling the passion he once had... but he can't leave with them. He can't abandon this world as it finally give him something: purpose. He can't abandon the world knowing the Hoglins could rise again and makes it his mission to make sure this world is ready to defend itself for the next time as the group makes their way home (possibly leading to a future sequel where Steve is seen as a mythical hero who, keeping the world in peace, has disappeared).

Obviously, you can pick some holes in my ideas and general outline. But I put together this general outline in the span of like 30 minutes and it still managed to have some messages like "finding purpose", "things don't need to be real to care about them", "creativity is important", and even "it's important to care about the world you live in". Meanwhile, Hollywood had a decade and what did we get? A glorified Let's Play where Jack Black delivers every line as if he's recording TikToks.

 

[BigGuyOS 6 : Jovial Janny]

You know, this premise could have easily worked if Hollywood wasn't creatively bankrupt.

That movie your describing exists, and it's awesome. It's called 'Hundreds of Beavers' and its closer to what I imagine everyone thought a Minecraft movie would look like.

Spoiler: full movie is free on YT

 

[mindlessobserver]

At the end of the day, the Gen Alphas were absolutely thrilled to see Endermen rendered on the screen in interaction with a real person, baby zombies on a chicken, All the monsters coming out at night, and then acting all smug and smart explaining it all to their parents. An excellent work of filmography the movie is not. But it IS good, wholesome fun for the Alphas that isn't trying to preach an evil message or act in a subversive manner.

5/10 for actual quality in the history of cinema. It wasn't unwatchable, and Jason Mamoa turns in a master class performance by fully embracing the bit. This elevates it above general failure.

Its a 10/10 for a kids movie Parents can go too the movies when we consider everything else on offer. Its not trying to turn the children gay, and the relationship between the brother and sister is actually very wholesome. It also moves fast. People shitting on the exposition dump are kinda missing the point. The Alphas have short attention spans, so moving the plot along at warp speed is critical to keep them engaged. Which based on what I saw was successful. The kids stuck with it for the entire run time.

This is inarguably the first film for Gen Alpha to hit the cinemas. We may weep for the creep of Idiocracy towards the Oscar Winning Movie "Ass", but alas we are here.

 

[Day of the Cope]

Two hackfrauds talk about this movie.

 

[Captain Chromosome]

Finished watching the movie and I can safely say it is far better with the unfinished CGI. It felt like I was watching an early YouTube fan film, but by an autistic child who never played Minecraft, as the directors have never played the game and it's quite apparent.

Momoa is the only character that has any development, and as has been said, gave a good showing for such a shit movie.

Tayshawnqueesha gets a shovel during the fight scene (hard R digger), unironically chucks a spear, and channels her inner Michael Vick to mass breed pitbulls wolves. This tickles my racism funny bone.

The kids and Jack are borderline non-existent entities character-wise. Jack Black is just Jack Black, again.

Dick Masterson (versión nonpedofílo) as the teacher was an interesting choice, and Jennifer Coolidge's B plot did its job well making me feel deeply uncomfortable yet amused.

The film will make money, but it will be remembered the same as mid-day disney channel or nick original movies: impressively mediocre. For there to be no politics besides some scribbling on the chalkboard about the patriarchy is a feat in and of itself.

Tl;dr aggressively mid. Watch with friends, preferably intoxicated. In another time, this pre-release would be MST3K-tier content.

 

[Preacher ✝]

 

[Tootsie Bear]

Finished watching the movie and I can safely say it is far better with the unfinished CGI. It felt like I was watching an early YouTube fan film, but by an autistic child who never played Minecraft, as the directors have never played the game and it's quite apparent.

Right. I was thinking more of something Conan O'brien would had done on his show to promote the movie with the main cast.

 

[#lurker]

Does C418's music get used at any point? I noticed they used it in the trailer, but wouldn't be surprised if it's bait.

 

[Day of the Cope]

Does C418's music get used at any point? I noticed they used it in the trailer, but wouldn't be surprised if it's bait.

According to FitMC, who saw the movie, his music is used.

 

[mindlessobserver]

Momoa is the only character that has any development, and as has been said, gave a good showing for such a shit movie.

I feel like Mamoas performance was fully in the spirit of Raul Julia who played M. Bison in the street fighter movie.

Every actor ends up in a bad movie. But no actor should be a bad actor in a bad movie!

Honestly his performance should net him an Oscar. It was very impressive. He was given literal dog shit too work with and made it great. Carried the entire film.

 

[reptile baht spaniard rid]

They didn't even make an attempt at expanding the Minecraft lore or finding something new/dangerous/mysterious left behind by the previous civilization* or even a B-plot as simple as making a portal with different blocks and ending up making gateways to other exotic places. SO MANY POSSIBILITIES and they fucking whiffed on ALL of them.

Ah, but you missed it, they did. They added a fucking GUN to minecraft. Sure, it's a tater-tot gun, but that's a fucking gun. Blunderbuss or no, it's a gun. That's pretty big shit.

I’m pretty sure the Chungus character actually says to Steve, he’s pretty sorry he’s going to have to ‘annihilate’ him?

I hear "unalive" and based on how he earlier was asking if she meant "kill kill" I think they did that on purpose.

It wasn't horrible. It wasn't bad. It just was a thing, like you'd expect. Better than the DooM movie for sticking with the original game, tbh. It was basically all Minecraft and memes.

The billy mitchel stand-in was great, perfect character arc at a children's level, nothing too deep.

They resisted the "Steve tells the devil pig lady she can dance and they all have a happy dance party" twist, which I thought was nice.

No awkward romance between the characters besides the pointless principal and the villager for laughs was also a nice touch. I was half afraid the sheboon was going to start macking on someone at any moment.

Blowing up Potatohead, Idaho was amusing.

Enderman scene was good. Complete lack of any mention of the End or anything involving it, and the post-credit Alex scene sets up an inevitable sequel.

It felt like those video game novels that try too hard to keep to material that the author doesn't understand, like the starcraft novel that devolves into having an SCV construct a base or some shit.

Like that, but better. Whoever worked on this had people who actually played minecraft go over it.

No modding, so probably fucking bedrock, tbh.

 

[Lammy]

Just watched the movie (as the shitty camrip version with gambling ads).
Overall, the movie is fine? It's a dumb kids movie that doesn't really feel stereotypically "woke" or "DEI". There's a black woman as the least important member of the main cast whom does nothing, and she never talks about white people, basketball, poverty, or rap music; so she doesn't really stand out. Otherwise, the slightest bit of potential "homoeroticism" is portrayed negatively, and it has generally positive messaging for normal people to live their best normal lives. It did make me genuinely want to play some Minecraft, so I think that's an overall good note.
I think it's on a comparable level to the Mario movie; although less coherent, more autistic, and moving at a pace fast enough for the iPad babies to not need Subway Surfers in the corner (ie. a little too fast).
If I was 6 I would probably want to watch it again every week for the next 3 months.
CHICKEN JOCKEY out of 10.

I hear "unalive" and based on how he earlier was asking if she meant "kill kill" I think they did that on purpose.

The word kill is said multiple times otherwise, and violence and death are not really shied away from (although obviously Minecraftized of them turning into drops and lighthearted). I don't think they were trying to genuinely soft language it.
To me, it felt like the character named "Chungus", whose defining character is being fat and incompetent, and is also the only character that says "unalive"; is meant to be a mockery of redditors or otherwise their ilk. In that sense, I'm glad if the movie is teaching kids that using soft language like "unalive" is for fat losers, lmao.

 

[PandaChai]

So how many bingo squares got ticked?

 

[Trigger Me Timbers]

A Trigger me Timbers movie review!

The movie quite obviously went through some development hell. The worsts parts are any non-action dialog scenes and most scenes in the real world. I know this may sound like an 8 year olds review, but really the casting and direction of the non CGI actors is bad.

It was not awful all the way though, but the dialog and Jack Blacks music numbers were so cringe that my eyes were shut from wincing. Also, even though it was very diverse (to a fault) there was no faggot shit in it. No one had a lesbian romance, Jack black wasn’t adopted by a gay couple. So that’s a win (I wouldn’t be surprised if there is cut footage of Jason momoa and Jackblack open mouth kissing or the white bitch gay married the fat black one)

The introduction was completely schizophrenic, and I honest to God thought that we were stuck in the trailer or that the real movie hadn’t started yet. The introduction is basically Jack Black explaining almost everything he can about Minecraft and honestly like 90% of the trailers footage I wanna say comes from the introduction.

They did use a lot of Minecraft stuff and used a lot of Minecraft sound fix which really helped carry the movie, I fear tho no one who doesn’t play Minecraft will follow at all.
Also, the CGI is a little toooo realistic… I know that they had to do it because it would look too weird if they were all too cartoony, but it looks like that hyper realistic Mario at time (the villagers and piglins were a stand out for having insane ugly features like veins, spots and nippples)

I have a personal schizo theory that the original movie probably had a lot more live action parts in it, but probably decades of screen tests, and rewrites have whittled that down a lot because the live action scenes with it just normal people are quite disjointed and kinda hard to follow. Five main characters is just too many characters, including all of the Minecraft villains and all the Minecraft stuff going on.
They tried to pull out your heart string a few times which all fucking fall flat. Again because each character is so underdeveloped and I swear there’s like a weird plot hole/typo in the movie because, the bland white chick and not Flynn Wolfhard boy character start the movie with a 80s sappy intro of “oh your mom‘s dead and I’m gonna look after you”, the woman calls the boys, mom “your mom”, but the boy calls his mom “our mom” and that the woman is his sister. So I have no idea what the hell the relationship is. They only show a photograph of their mother, no father (of course), but the way they talk is if they are brother and sister, but bland bitch who self looks like a child doesn’t, she made it sounds like that they don’t have the same mother?

It’s extremely bizarre. I really feel like that they probably had a lot more in it but they got rid of it because it’s boring. Speaking of the 80s. What is it with these modern slop movies trying to re-create the aesthetics of the 80s? Honestly you look at any part of this movie and it looks like it’s in the 80s the only evidence that it was not in the 80s was the use of an iPhone and the fact that the White woman had a job in social media management (lmao that dates the movie).

Not to sound like a Incel, but there is no fucking reason for either of the two women in this movie. The Pajeets making this movie know it too as they split up the boys and girls halfway so the boys can get into fun adventures, sneaking into forts and blowing up creepers…. The women just find a wolf and make a mushroom house.

Again, this just stinks of design by committee. I’m sure there was a board meeting where they said “we need to have a very, very famous recognizable face” so they got Jack Black, but then they wanted someone a bit more contemporary and maybe a little better shape so they got Jason Momoa. Then the committee said “OK well we have to have a George Floyd approved woman… oh let’s get this fat black woman from orange is the new black! oh that’s great but she’s fat and ugly what we can’t not have just a fat black woman or China won’t by it… so let’s just get another white woman… oh and stranger things is extremely popular so let’s get someone who looks like Flynn Wolfhard!! oh and to pretend this movie has soul, his sister will have like a sappy 80s opening because the 80s made good movies and the Dad’s who will watch this with the kids grew up in the 80s.”

Maybe this could’ve been better with better casting and directing. But more live action would of made this unbearable for the kids. They were so afraid of losing the kids attention that even in the drawn out IRL sections they had a Minecraft wolf go into the real world just so when it’s boring, you might see the Minecraft wolf to remind the kids that yes this is a Minecraft movie. I have a feeling that’s why the first 10 minutes is a fucking Minecraft cooom session.

I do not like Jack Black in this movie. It is distracting how fat he is and how slovenly he is. It’s not the worst concept ever but it makes very little sense. The bland white woman tries to make it sound like that Jack Black went crazy for being in the Minecraft world for too long, but we had almost 0 buildup of him in the real world so we have no idea if he’s always like that or not. Also, I don’t know if the studio’s idea of Jack Black demanded but Jack Black sings three songs maybe for and they were all trashed. They were not good songs And some of them actually made me cringe.

Jack Black also immediately gets into a rivalry with Jason Momoa, again this isn’t very well explained or built up. I genuinely believe it’s probably a lot more cut footage of them probably building up more of a relationship. The relationship between the boy and the woman is completely undeveloped they try to have some conflict. It literally lasted for one scene and there’s never brought up again
Fat black woman is fat black woman. She literally does nothing. They tried to give her catchphrase. It was so bad. I actually forgot what it was. Also, she’s fat!

The Jason Momoa IRL bits are not awful. It’s kind of funny. The whole movie has kind of a weird tone of “the real world kinda of sucks with debts and dead end jobs” and Jason Momoa definitely gets the most screen time in the most character development.

For the ending of the movie, I think the end of it probably in the best way they could have done it. although it’s kind of unrealistic that the guy who is a loser with a dead and they guy with massive debts and the kid who’s getting bullied at school all choose not to live in the Minecraft world and go back to the real world but again I’m sure you couldn’t end the movie on “Yeah just live in the video game world.”
Again, it’s so fucking anchored in the 80’s that for the ending scene and (Urgh) song, they all made made a new arcade cabinet for a new game that had all the kids over to play it.

Nigger, it’s 2025, no one is going to come to an arcade in the middle of Ohio to play what looks like a Streets of Rage clone on an actual arcade cabinet. Also it’s established that no the Jack black and Jason mamosa are like washouts so the fuck they do to help make the video game that is shown to run on actual arcade cabinet circuits? I guess the Flyn wolfhard kid did it all. Fuck that, plug me back into Minecraft.

Oh and also, _jebb makes an appearance as a waiter, so lol fucking serve your masters Jeb. Notch got out with the bag and you fucking pour water with no lines, suffer.

 

[Sarn’t]

I enjoyed it.
Not because it was good, I just had fun watching it with other people. And the only reason I was able to enjoy watching it is because I didn’t give any money to the Indians who shat this thing out.

 

[I'm Not Racist Anymore]

I liked the inclusion of tater tots, as they were evident in Jared Hess's Napoleon Dynamite.

 

[Colon capital V]

So how many bingo squares got ticked?
View attachment 7183432

Technically not "creeper? Aw man", however they do play DJ Got Us Fallin' In Love at the end of the film. So half-mark?

 

[reptile baht spaniard rid]

Oh the product placement in this movie was fucking weird.

This post brought to you by my JEEP GRAND CHEROKEE which keeps HITTING PEOPLE.

(at least they didn't do anything weird with big-titted villagers for laughs, and accidentally induce puberty in millions of boys and cause a problem worse than furries and bronies for the future to deal with - though the explosion of "big nose romance novels" in 20 years will hit the jews worse than the hall of costs)

 

[Toxinophile]

Technically not "creeper? Aw man", however they do play DJ Got Us Fallin' In Love at the end of the film. So half-mark?

It was honestly really disappointing the unfinished movie used the Official usher song and not the Minecraft parody version. The theatrical cut was even worse since that one used Zero to Hero by BENEE

So how many bingo squares got ticked?

A pretty good amount but sadly no bingo.