Your school apparently worked differently than mine. We didn't have designated gym lockers, they just had us keep our gym bags in our regular lockers and bring them with us to the gym. Also we were never made to change clothes until high school. Our elementary school didn't even have a locker room.
See, the way my district worked, there was no middle school. K-6 was in one building ("elementary school") and 7-12 was in another ("high school"). 7th and 8th graders were segregated to their own small section of the high school, and had their own gym (my high school had two gyms). They were "junior high" while 9-12 was "senior high." I dunno, my high school was kinda weird. Not to mention the fact that my graduating class was enormous (hence why it seems like I knew an oddly high number of tards in school).
Aw thanks man. I was thinking of doing some of @littlebiscuits Bwenden stories, but I could do the Jeffrey ones too if you like.
That'd be neat. I've actually been thinking of making a guide of sorts for those, kind of like @Adamska did with Benito because there's getting to be a lot of them.
I was thinking of doing some of the more substantial stories rather than the smaller asides. Roughly what does Jeffrey's voice sound like so I can have an attempt at imitating at it. If you can provide a reference to someone famous or a fictional character he sounds like, that might help.
The closest approximation I can think of would be, fittingly enough, Percy Wetmore from the movie The Green Mile.
If you do Benito, he was pretty nasally and it's a bit higher than your natural voice, about an octave or something like that. He has a mild Southerner (American) accent, which if you can't do just try and mimic your most hickish region of the UK and tone it down to five or four for a reasonable approximation.
Jail?
My one regret is that I only have one 'winner' to give.
I'm glad you enjoyed it so much, but the "winner"s should go to @TheGreatCitracett as he wrote the story in the first place.
True art takes time, my man.
Thank you! That makes my job so much easier.Since @TheImportantFart mentioned possibly reading them, and because there's getting to be a lot of them, here's a megapost of all the substantial Jeffrey stories thus far:
First up is Cousin Jeffrey. Jeffrey is (obviously) my cousin on my dad's side. He's around my age (early 20's), but he's a spoiled, bratty child of a man. If you watched American Horror Story: Freak Show, he and his mother are basically real-life versions of Dandy and Gloria Mott. If you haven't, I'll elaborate. Jeffrey's mother, my aunt, is a single woman who basically bends over backwards for him. She coddles him and does literally everything for him, and he openly and shamelessly treats her like shit. He constantly berates her, and I have heard the phrase, "mom, don't talk like an idiot," or some variation of it enough to be a millionaire if one could get paid for things like that.
His treatment of the rest of the family isn't really any better. A few years ago, when he was about 16, my family threw a birthday party for my younger cousin (not Jeffrey's sister, he has no siblings; she's from a different uncle). She was about 8 at the time, and we had a Pokémon themed party for her. Well, Jeffrey wanted the decorations for...some reason. I honestly still have no idea why he wanted them. He likes Pokémon, but there was no reason for him to want them. He asked his aunt, her mother, if he could have the streamers that the birthday girl's sister made for her, and when he was told that he couldn't, he sperged out and ripped them down. This, of course, caused his aunt to get pissed off at him. She started yelling at him, so he went over to the table where the presents were neatly stacked and knocked them all over (it was later found that he'd even managed to break one of them doing this). He flipped us all off and stormed out of the house. His mother apologized on his behalf, looking like she was about to cry (and I don't blame her), and followed him out and they left. I later learned that the most punishment he'd received from this was having his computer taken away from him...for the rest of that day only. Again, this was when he was 16. A 16-year-old threw a temper tantrum because he wanted the decorations for an 8-year-old's birthday party.
He's only gotten worse since then. Since graduating high school, he's gone on to do absolutely nothing at all. He did get a job a couple months after graduation, as a stockperson at a local grocery store. I don't really have any specific stories from that, though I do know that he was a stubborn and difficult employee who yelled at a customer on at least one occasion. He only got that job because the son of a friend of his mother's was a shift manager there. Much like Len Shaner at Sears, having connections to a manager allowed him to get away with tons of shit that should've gotten him fired. He only worked there for about five months. That manager got transferred to another store, and the new manager wouldn't put up with Jeffrey's shit and he got fired pretty soon after. Since then, he's done absolutely nothing but sit around playing video games and leeching off of his mother. Pretty much everyone in the family hates him, not only because he's an asshole, but because he "sucks the life out of her," as they say. They're pretty mad at her, too, for letting him get away with everything, but they generally hold her in higher regard. Jeffrey's probably aware that most of his family hates him, but he most likely doesn't care. Shame's never been an emotion that came easy to him.
And yes, he's autistic. But he's still a spoiled asshole.So, back in 2009, Jeffrey decided that he wanted a Nintendo Wii. He already had a PS3 and an Xbox 360, but we had a Wii, and Prince Jeffrey hated the fact that someone else had something that he didn't. His birthday's pretty close to Christmas, so his mother would have the family over to their house every year in a simultaneous Christmas/Birthday party. Jeffrey would always have to wait to open his Christmas presents, because of the "birthday" aspect of the get-togethers.
Well, again, Jeffrey had decided that he wanted a Wii in 2009. Whatever Jeffrey wants, Jeffrey gets, so of course he got one for his birthday/Christmas. Given the fact that he was (and still is) a spoiled brat, watching him open presents tended to be...unpleasant. Especially if he didn't get what he wanted. So, he got the Wii, along with a shit-ton of games and the balance board. You'd think that this would be an awesome present, right? Wrong. See, New Super Mario Bros. Wii had just come out the previous month, and of course, Jeffrey really wanted it. He got around ten games, but not that one.
Instead of appreciating what he did get, Jeffrey was furious and asked his mother to follow him to another room. The door was shut behind them, but we could all hear Jeffrey yelling at her about "ruining [his] day," and telling her to "stick to the list" (referring to the fact that she'd gotten him games he hadn't asked for. They returned and acted as though nothing had happened, and the party awkwardly continued. That was a regular occurrence with them. They'd try to keep up a normal appearance, but it was pretty obvious that Jeffrey ruled over that house with an iron fist.
And for the record, he barely even used that fucking Wii. He played it for, like, three months and then never again. Last I heard, it was sitting in its box in his closet. He literally just wanted it to have it.Despite his terrible personality, Jeffrey's reasonably attractive, appearance-wise. He knows it, too, and goes out of his way to make sure he looks good. He's the type to gel his hair and spray cologne for a trip to the store, just so he can be the best-looking person in the building. Yes, he actually has said this out loud. His looks don't really help him much, though, because he's terrible at acting like a normal person for extended periods of time. He can be personable when he wants to be, but don't you dare disagree with him, or do something he doesn't like, or there will be hell to pay. Needless to say, he's...not much of a dater.
However, he did manage to get a girlfriend when he was 18. As I said, he's capable of acting like a normal person when he wants to, and he managed to seduce a poor girl. For a few months, everything actually went pretty well for him. He started being less of a dick, and actually started acting almost pleasant. It seemed as though this was the first time he'd genuinely cared about another person beyond their utility to him. But unfortunately, it didn't last.
After about four or five months, he started getting really clingy and jealous. From what I observed, he basically required her to be at his beck and call and she pretty much had to update him with her location at all times. He always accused her of cheating on him, even though (to my knowledge) he had no reason to believe she was. I'm not sure if he ever physically abused her, though I did see him manhandle her on more than one occasion. She told me once that he'd threatened to beat her 'till she was unrecognizable if he ever caught her cheating.
After they eventually broke up, I learned the real reasoning behind all of this. Apparently, Jeffrey, aware of the fact that he wouldn't always have his mother, was attempting to get a girl to fall for him so he could marry her and leech off of her like he currently does to his mother. He chose her in particular because she was a med student, and he figured that if she became a doctor, she'd have a lot of money and he wouldn't have to work. His paranoia about her cheating caused his regular personality to show through, which caused her to dump him for being "a child."Jeffrey is autistic, but he's not that autistic. He's just got a shitty attitude, and was coddled too much by his mother. If anything, I think he might be a sociopath. He still went to normal school and took normal classes. He and I went to the same school, actually, but I generally tried to avoid him. He was in some of my classes, though, and was as immature and uncooperative as ever.
He'd go out of his way to disobey teachers whom he didn't like. Seeing as how he didn't like anyone who corrected him, or did things to inconvenience him, he was generally a problem student. One time, for example, after a teacher got mad at him for not doing his homework, and punished him, he sat there in silence for about ten minutes with his head down. About ten minutes later, he stood up, called the teacher a bitch, and then started screaming at her about how she'd "bully" him and stuff. He was, like, half screaming half crying. Keep in mind that it was entirely his fault in the first place. He never did his work in that class. He screamed at her for a good ten minutes, punched the blackboard hard enough to leave a small dent, and stormed out of the classroom. The teacher calmly called the office, who then radioed one of the security guards, who caught him in the hall and escorted him to the office. He got suspended for a week, and was kicked out of the class. He'd been a shitty student the whole year, and the teacher probably used the incident as an excuse to get rid of him.
His relations with fellow students weren't much better. As would be expected, he had a reputation as a dick around the school. Nobody really liked him. They tolerated him at best, and hated him at worst. I had the same gym class as him. Our gym class was pretty awesome, because the teachers pretty much just let us do whatever we wanted as long as we were up and about. Jeffrey really liked to play four square ("playing some square," he'd call it sometimes). If you read the other stories, you probably know where this is going. Jeffrey HATED getting out. Any time he got out, he'd stomp his foot really loud, or punch a wall, or scream obscenities. Other people would make fun of him behind his back for this. Sometimes, he'd angrily spike the ball really hard, or yell at the person who got him out. On a few occasions, he even tried to whip the ball at them. One time in particular, this one kid who was also known for having his fair share of anger problems (though he wasn't nearly as immature or spergy as Jeffrey) played, and got Jeffrey out. Jeffrey immediately goes into full-on sperg mode and starts getting in the kid's face and cursing at him. The kid, who by this point had had quite enough of Jeffrey's shit, pushed him so hard that he fell flat on his ass. He ended up getting in trouble for it, but I'm sure it was worth it, because Jeffrey was quiet for, like, a week after that.This is a shorter one. One cool thing about Jeffrey is that he has an in-ground pool at his house. His mom's pretty rich, so they can afford stuff like that. We used to like to go over to his house just so we could play in the pool. That stopped when I was 13 and Jeffrey was 14. My sister (who was 11 at the time) and I went over to Jeffrey's house while our parents went...somewhere. I forget. But it doesn't matter.
We played video games for a while, when it was suggested that we go swimming. We'd been getting along with Jeffrey fairly well that day. Or at least as well as you can get along with him. Well, my sister kept spraying him with a squirt gun. It annoyed him, so he told her she'd regret if she did it again. She never gave a shit about his threats so she did it again just to spite him. He went over to her and dunked her head under the water and held it there for about 20 seconds before I realized that he wasn't about to let her up any time soon. So, I did what any good brother would do: I tackled him (about as well as you can tackle someone in a pool) and punched him in the face. My sister was okay, but she was naturally a little shook up at first.
We got out of the pool and just for good measure, I punched him in the stomach now that I could. After he regained his composure from that, he tried to tell his mom that we ganged up on him to get us in trouble. She believed him, of course, and called our mom. Luckily, mom believed us, and we didn't go over to Jeffrey's for a while after that.He's relatively young (gonna be turning 22 in December), but his hairline's already starting to recede. At this point, he's still got enough that if he styles it right, it's not too noticeable, but it's still pretty damn visible otherwise. Because of this, he spergs out whenever someone touches his hair, or his hat when he wears one.
He rages at video games when he loses. He's broken no less than five controllers in his lifetime, and once bragged about how he could break them as he pleased because his mom would just go get him a new one right away.
His favorite shirt is a black one that says "YOU ARE IN THE PRESENCE OF GREATNESS" in big yellow and white letters. Given his personality, I'm sure he genuinely believes that about himself. That's supported by the fact that he wears it a lot. In school, I'd see him in that particular shirt more than any other. (With some googling, I found the exact shirt that he has)
The reason his mother puts up with his shit to such a degree is a combination of apathy on her part and the fact that his dad left them when he was three.
He routinely shoplifts from his local Wal-Mart whenever he and his mother go shopping. That's the only reason he goes with her. "Doing his shopping," he calls it. His mother's rich enough that they could buy pretty much anything he'd want there, but he does it to "save money." As far as I know, she has no idea that he does it, but he brags about it to be an edgelord.Despite him being eight months older than me, I learned to drive before Jeffrey did. There was no reason for him not to be able to, but he was happy getting carted around by his mother and the school bus. His excuse for not getting his license? "I've got ADHD, so I can't focus well enough to drive." Nevermind the fact that he took medication for it, which nullified that already-flimsy excuse. Well, this was one of the few occasions where my dad actually decided to step in. Jeffrey's mom is his sister, and he doesn't get involved too often, but every once in a while, he'll go over there and yell at Jeffrey for something. Jeffrey's a defiant little shit, but my dad's a pretty intimidating son of a bitch, and actually has way more authority over Jeffrey than his mom does. Needless to say, Jeffrey hates my dad.
Anyway, so after my dad made Jeffrey get his learner's permit, he needed someone to teach him to drive. Guess who got that prestigious honor? That's right. Me! My dad had me do it 'cause I already knew how to drive, and "since you're around his age and learned more recently, you'll be better at it." That's what he said. It was also because he didn't want to do it. I don't blame him, actually. I didn't want to, either. So, we drove to our school parking lot. They've got a relatively big one, and they leave it open when school's not in session, so a lot of parents go there to let their kids drive around it. I parked in a parking space, got out, and let Jeffrey take the wheel. First thing he does after turning the key and throwing it in reverse is to floor the gas pedal and slam the back of the car into a lamp post.
I told my dad I never wanted to teach Jeffrey again after that, and he told me I didn't have to anymore. The damage wasn't too bad, just a dent in the back and a destroyed tail light. Jeffrey tried to blame it on me, but nobody believed him. He never did get his license, though he did eventually learn to drive better. He drives his mom's car despite not having a license, and the fact that he's not gotten into legal trouble over this is pure luck on his part.Here's another short one. So, like I said, Jeffrey and I had to spend lots of time together due to being close in age. Like pretty much every other person he's ever come into contact with, my friends all hated him and generally avoided coming over while he was there. Well, this one time, my friend Mike came over while Jeffrey was there. Now, Mike can be a bit of an A-hole too. He'll sometimes go out of his way to piss people off, though unlike Jeffrey he knows when to stop. Mike was a relatively new friend, so he didn't know Jeffrey too well at the time.
Regardless, he took Jeffrey's phone when he sat it down. Annoying, sure, but how did Jeffrey react to this? Why, completely rationally, of course! He started having a fit of tard rage, and grabbed a pair of scissors. He tackles Mike and tries to stab him with the scissors. He actually got him once, too, in the leg. He didn't do any damage, but he did break the skin and draw blood. My mother heard the commotion and stepped in. She separated the two, and made Mike give Jeffrey back his phone. Mike apologized, and after she left he said "by the way, this hurt," before taking the scissors and pricking Jeffrey with them.For as long as I can remember, Jeffrey's been something of an edgelord. Like most kids, he's gone through his fair share of phases throughout his life. The first of which that I can clearly recall was his "wigger/rapper" phase. When we were in fifth grade, he got real into rap music. He's always been somewhat racist, though, so he'd only really listen to Eminem. He was completely obsessed with Eminem. Literally. Like, it was kinda creepy at times. Like, I remember this one time he was talking to me about how he wanted to cut Eminem's arm, get some of his blood, and transfer it into himself. In his mind, this would make him "related" to Eminem, since his blood would be inside of him. Yeeeaaaahhhh...anyway, so as part of his obsession, he started acting like a wigger. Or, at least he attempted to act like one. See, Jeffrey's just about the whitest person I know. He tried to do "jive speak," but was terrible at it, so it just came across as stilted, awkward, and unnatural. Jeffrey apparently realized this, as he quickly stopped. Though he would still pronounce certain words in a stereotypically "black" fashion (i.e. "yee-uh" instead of "yeah," "axe" instead of "ask," etc.), which was pretty annoying, and made him sound ridiculous. Since Eminem had bleached blonde hair at the time, Jeffrey wanted it, too. His mother wouldn't allow him to get his hair cut short or dyed completely blonde, as she said it'd make him look gay, so he kept his hair at the same length he had it (at the time, he had a bowl cut, like the one Jim Carrey had in Dumb & Dumber) and got it frosted. Of course, this made him look even more ridiculous than if he'd have gotten it how he wanted it, but he still acted like he was hot shit because of it. He started dressing in clothes that were two sizes two big for him (he actually still has most of them, 'cause he ended up growing into them), and started wearing hats sideways. For "career day," he just dressed up as Eminem, which was just him dressing normally with a winter hat unlike anything I've ever seen Eminem wear.
His next phase was "gothic/emo." He was around 13 when he started into this phase. His mom is pretty spoiling, but on rare occasions, she will put her foot down. Jeffrey still had his frosted hair, but he'd grown his stupid bowl cut out, so it was longer now, and sort of resembled a mullet. He wanted to get it dyed some wacky color like blue, but his mother wasn't having that. He threw his predictable tantrum, but she wouldn't budge. She was fine with, like, everything he did, but she was always adamant about his physical appearance being relatively normal. So, he couldn't get the "emo" hair that he wanted. He started dressing in all black, and doing stereotypically "emo" things, like writing poetry. I can't remember anything specific about that, but I remember it being terrible. The worst part about this was that he rarely, if ever, washed his hair at the time. It was long, greasy and disgusting. Amusingly, his emo shtick didn't really fool anyone, 'cause people would call him a poser all the time, and he'd get all pissed off.
Next, he developed a bit of a holier-than-thou oldfag phase. Basically, those people you see in the YouTube comments of older song videos that say "I'm X years old and I like this song better than anything in my generation." He began to completely reject both rap music and "emo" culture, instead preferring older music like AC/DC, and older video games like Mario. Hilariously, he couldn't even identify a famous AC/DC song when I played the intro of it to get him to guess what it was ("You Shook Me All Night Long"). Despite never even playing an Atari, let alone owning one, he'd wear Atari shirts and act like he was part of some exclusive club or something.
After that was the Juggalo phase. He became obsessed with the Insane Clown Posse and Psychopathic Records as a whole. To my knowledge, he never painted his face, but he did start wearing ICP shirts and exclusively drinking Faygo soda. He just did this to be an edgelord. He thought he was being cool and badass by listening to music about killing people and stuff. He even did one of his ninth grade English projects based off of an ICP song. He'd use standard Juggalo phrases like "whoop whoop" and "wicked clown love." This went on for about a year before he kind of outgrew that phase. Now he regards it as an old shame, and spergs out at anyone who mentions that he used to be a fan of ICP.
Since then, he's kind of outgrown having phases. He mostly wears plain black or white shirts now, with khaki pants (he can't wear jeans as part of his autism) and backwards hats.As it turns out, one of the guys in one of my classes works at the store he worked at, and was in his hire group. Small world, I know. So, because of this, I finally have a more complete picture of Jeffrey's work life, courtesy of someone who, unfortunately, had to work pretty closely with him.
Jeffrey and I graduated high school in 2013. Of course, he was totally unashamed about his lack of goals. While everyone else would be talking about applying for colleges or work, Jeffrey would just arrogantly gloat that he wouldn't have to work because "we have a lot of money, so there's really no reason for me to." Which, admittedly, is true. Like I said, his mom is fairly well-off. Despite this gloating, Jeffrey did end up getting a job a couple months later, at a local grocery store. Like I touched upon earlier, one of his mother's friends' sons was a shift manager at the store, which is the only reason he got the job and kept it for as long as he did. Now comes the fun, second-hand part:
So, right off the bat, Jeffrey wasn't really destined to make any friends there. During the orientation, he was quiet and generally gave off an unfriendly vibe whenever he was called on to speak. Everyone was asked to introduce themselves. Just to say their name and tell a bit about themselves. When it was Jeffrey's turn, he just mumbled something under his breath. He was asked to speak up, but wouldn't, so it's not really clear what it was he said. He just kind of sulked there, staring at the table with his head in his hand. I don't have proof, but I wouldn't be surprised if his mother made him get that job, and he was pissy about it. Like I said, she did put her foot down on rare occasions. During the actual tour part of the orientation, it was pretty obvious that he wasn't really paying attention to anything anybody told him. This would become obvious later when he'd repeatedly ask questions that were answered thoroughly during said orientation.
As for his actual job, well, there was...a lot to be desired. He was incredibly lazy and would often just stand around in the back until somebody would notice and tell him to do things. He was a stock person, but he was incredibly goddamned slow at that job. By my classmate's estimate, it took him about two hours to do a job that'd take somebody else a half hour. He also adamantly refused to learn how to work the computer or anything else. Officially, he never cleared a single palette, because there was never any data of him doing so. Usually, he'd spend the entire day "working" on a single one. He still wouldn't be finished by the time his shifts would be over, and somebody else would always have to finish up the remaining items. He also routinely left his department to wander around the store, apparently 'cause he'd get bored with what he was supposed to be doing.
He also refused to help unload the trucks. Any time the trucks came, Jeffrey was always nowhere to be found. If he got questioned about it, he'd always come up with some bullshit excuse. This was probably due to his complete inability to operate the palette jacks. Even after repeatedly being shown how to do it, he still had an immense amount of trouble. My classmate was there at the time, and told me that Jeffrey appeared to be fuming, though he didn't say anything. He recalls another instance where one of the assistant managers asked Jeffrey about why he never seemed to operate the palette jacks. His response was a blatant and nonchalant "oh, I don't do that." The manager was visibly annoyed by this, but regardless, she showed him how to do it again. Even after this, he'd still mysteriously disappear when the trucks came.
Remember earlier how I said he routinely shoplifts when he goes to Wal-Mart? Well, apparently there was a big increase in damaged merchandise at the store shortly after he started working there. This was a grocery store, but I'm guessing that he'd get hungry during his shifts and intentionally damage packaging so that he could discreetly eat candy and stuff while he "worked." I've got no proof, but it'd certainly be consistent with what I already know about him.
His interactions with other people were rather unbecoming. He was rather subdued compared to his school behavior, but he still seemed to go out of his way to be as off-putting and unfriendly as possible. People who would try to socialize with him would be met with harsh-sounding one-word answers, if any answers at all. He'd often go out of his way to appear busy, apparently to ward off potential conversation. During the five months that he worked there, he never once looked anyone in the face.
He was unpleasant to customers, too. Apparently, he'd often snap at them, especially when they'd mishear him. Remember how, in my initial post, I mentioned that he yelled at a customer? Well, my friend wasn't there at the time, but he asked around and this is what happened. Apparently, an old lady went up to him while he was stocking a shelf and asked where something was. He apparently wasn't having a good day, so he made no attempt to hide his contempt for this woman and the fact that she was interrupting his task. He told her, and she said something along the lines of "pardon me for asking." This caused him to throw down whatever item he had in his hand, and go off on this woman about how "every day he gets bullied and has to spend his time at a living hell," and other such nonsense. The people there had been nothing but accommodating to him. Now, normally someone would probably be fired for this. Jeffrey, on the other hand, hadn't even been written up before this incident. His manager connection had a lot of pull at the store, which is why they tolerated his bullshit for as long as they did. He got a write-up for yelling at the old lady and got sent home for the day.
The manager who got Jeffrey hired switched stores after Jeffrey had been there for about five months. With nobody there to protect him anymore, he got fired, like, a week or two later. I don't see him as much anymore, but I do still see him around the holidays. Seeing as how he got fired around New Year's, I got to talk to him right after he lost his job. He seemed very happy that he no longer had that pesky job cutting into his free time. This was in early 2014, and he has yet to get another job. My personal theory is that he hated this job so much because he felt that working there was beneath him, and that he was too good to associate with his co-workers. I imagine he intentionally tried to get himself fired so that he wouldn't have to say that he ended up quitting.
UPDATE: Forgot to mention that he was also apparently known for his less than stellar attendance record. I guess he called off three times in a two week period, and on more than one occasion, he'd show up late but try to lie and say that he'd been there the whole time and forgot to clock in.As one could probably imagine, Jeffrey has been a brat his entire life. We were in school together for the entirety of our school careers, including preschool. I've got to hand it to those teachers for putting up with him for as long as they did. Our preschool lasted a full year, and it was a full year of them having to deal with his bullshit.
Trouble started from the first day. The class was divided into groups amongst two teachers, "Miss Mary," and "Miss Carla." Jeffrey was placed in Miss Carla's group, despite wanting to be in Miss Mary's. That basically set the tone for the rest of the year. I'm not sure why exactly it mattered so much to him, seeing as how he wouldn't listen to Miss Mary any more than he'd listen to Miss Carla. Of course, I was also placed in Miss Carla's group, presumably because Jeffrey and I were cousins and they thought they were doing us both a favor. Because of this, I have a decent recollection of events.
Jeffrey's always had a fiery temper, but to his credit, he's better now than when he was in preschool (though that's not saying much). On more than one occasion, he threw his chair at Miss Carla. Fortunately for her, he wasn't strong enough to get it more than a few inches away from himself, but he sure tried. Also on more than one occasion, he'd have to be physically restrained due to his defiance. He'd kick at the teachers, so they started making him take his shoes off in the mornings when he got into the classroom (he'd get to put them back on if we went outside). He used to stab at the other kids with scissors when we'd do arts and crafts. He never hurt anybody, 'cause they were just those little kid scissors, but I remember the other kids generally being afraid of him. Eventually, they stopped allowing him to have scissors and he'd have to tear his paper instead of cutting it.
There was this one particular girl named Lexi whom Jeffrey hated. I'm not sure exactly why he hated her, because she was always nice to everyone and never did anything to him, but regardless, he'd do everything in his power to make her miserable. This ranged from going over to her while she'd be drawing and ruining her art in some way to more actively malicious behaviors such as intentionally kicking sand into her eyes on the playground and slamming her fingers into a drawer that she was getting something out of. In the latter incident, the teachers asked him why he did it, and he just answered matter-of-factually, "'cause I don't like her." Whenever she'd try to raise her hand to tell on him, he'd physically restrain her and cover her mouth with his hand. Of course, this would get him into more trouble than he'd have gotten into initially, and he was often removed from the classroom. He was generally a bully to everyone, but this one girl in particular always got the worst of it. I remember this one time when one of the other girls started crying because everyone else was making a lot of noise and it was giving her a headache. Jeffrey noticed this, and actively tried to be as loud as he could, as close to this girl as he could get.
He seemed to enjoy doing things for no other reason than to piss off the teachers and to make things harder for them. We had an all-day preschool, so we ate breakfast there. We'd sit at one of those crescent-shaped tables with the teacher in the center (sort of like this, only bigger). Practically every morning, Jeffrey would intentionally spill his cup of tard cum because he thought it was funny how it'd go everywhere and the teachers would have to clean it up. On one occasion, he made a mess of the whole lunchroom by dipping his fingers into his tard cum and then flapping his hands, getting it everywhere. We had a water table in the classroom which was usually filled with water toys. On one occasion, however, the teachers put minnows in it. We were allowed to look at them, but not put our hands in the water. Of course, Jeffrey put his hand in the water. One of the teachers saw him, and came over to yell at him, so he reached in, grabbed one of the minnows, and threw it against the wall as hard as he could. This was one of the occasions where he was escorted out of the classroom.
During one month, we had a train theme, where we'd learn about trains and do train-themed activities. One of the teachers brought in a model train set, which came in a box with a styrofoam tray to put each individual piece in. During one particular recess session, Jeffrey took the styrofoam and broke it all up, for no particular reason. The teachers didn't notice that he was doing it until the end of the session, and were appropriately angry. During the same month, we took a trip to our local Toys R Us, which had a very elaborate model train setup. We were supposed to be looking at the trains, but Jeffrey just wandered off to look at other shit around the store. The teachers caught him and made him go back with the group. Presumably out of spite, he snuck off again when they weren't paying attention to him and hid. We stayed there for about an hour after we were supposed to have left. They had the customer service people call him over the intercom, but he didn't come. Naturally, they started getting a bit worried. After all, what if someone kidnapped him? As it turned out, he'd been hiding in one of the shelves. There was a relatively large Lego set box that he moved aside, got behind, and then replaced. He got in A LOT of trouble that day.
Of course, he was punished a lot. The problem was, he didn't care. His entire life, he's had a complete inability to learn from his mistakes. They called his mother pretty often to tell her of his latest misbehavior, but she apparently either punished him too lightly, or didn't punish him at all. That's always been a problem, too. His mom was always way too coddling. I think Jeffrey might actually be a legit sociopath. He certainly doesn't care about anybody else beyond their utility to him, and often goes out of his way to hurt or otherwise inconvenience people. This wasn't helped by the fact that the people who should've punished him didn't, or at least didn't do it hard enough.So, I should probably start off by clarifying that I barely see Jeffrey at all anymore. Usually only around major holidays. Before tonight, I hadn't seen him since Easter. He looked slightly different than when I saw him last. He lost what I estimate to be about 30 pounds, first of all. He'd always been really skinny, but now he looked downright skeletal. He was also attempting to grow a beard, it looked like. However, despite the fact that he's 21 years old, almost 22, he's never really been able to grow facial hair so he just looks like a 14-year-old boy who just started going through puberty. He's also jumped on the "undercut man bun" bandwagon, and he looked absolutely ridiculous. He wore his favorite "YOU ARE IN THE PRESENCE OF GREATNESS" shirt (he wears that shirt pretty often).
His personality was the same as always. For starters, my sister brought her new boyfriend along. He's a pretty nice guy, though he's a bit pudgy. Surely enough, Jeffrey spent practically the whole dinner making jokes and comments about his weight. Note that this was his first time meeting the guy. Jeffrey's...not particularly good at first impressions. To the boyfriend's credit, he handled the situation rather well, though I could tell by the end that he was pretty annoyed, and likely wanted to punch Jeffrey's lights out. My sister warned him beforehand about Jeffrey, so he kind of knew what to expect. Jeffrey threw a mini-tantrum at his mom for trying a new sweet potato recipe. Nothing major, just "I TOLD YOU NOT TO FUCKING MAKE THOSE!" in a raised voice. In recent years, he seems to be trying to police his behavior more. At least, when there are other people around, he does. I'm sure that he's still the same spoiled brat he's always been in private.
All in all, it was a pretty uneventful Thanksgiving trip, Jeffrey-wise. He was a dick, as he always is, though there weren't any sperg-outs or anything like that.Our great uncle died in 2009. He had pretty bad cancer for a while, so it wasn't really a surprise. He lived in a different state, so we didn't really see him much. Regardless, we ended up having to go to the funeral.
My family decided to carpool, so guess who I ended up having to ride with. Why, Jeffrey, of course! First and foremost, I should probably point out that he was dressed completely inappropriately for a funeral; he had on a yellow Aeropostale shirt, a white Aeropostale jacket, and a pair of khaki pants. We left pretty early in the morning to get to the funeral on time. Jeffrey spent half the trip complaining about having to get up at 5:00 for an uncle he didn't care about (to be fair, I didn't really, either; I barely knew the guy), and half of it asleep.
We stopped at a McDonald's to get breakfast along the way, and this McDonald's happened to have a Mortal Kombat arcade cabinet. Naturally, me and Jeffrey played a few rounds, but Jeffrey just wanted to stay there and keep playing. My dad (who is a pretty intimidating guy) yelled at Jeffrey to "get [his] ass in gear" and we left.
At the actual funeral, Jeffrey was very disrespectful. As my great uncle's son thanked us for coming, Jeffrey just shrugged and said "meh, not like we had a choice." He brought his PSP with him and started playing it during the service. His mom told him to put it away, and he started throwing a fit. Before he could make too much of a scene, his mother led him to another room and (I presume) they had an argument. Jeffrey was very pouty when they came back. Like, I'm not gonna lie, I didn't want to be there any more than he did, but he was being actively disrespectful. When the time actually came to bury him, Jeffrey just kind of wandered around the cemetery looking at other grave stones.
As we left, he did nothing but complain about how boring the whole thing was. My dad told him to shut up, and he did.I don't have a long story about him this time, but I just kind of remembered today about how my cousin Jeffrey would behave at our Fourth of July gatherings as a kid.
He'd always want a sparkler, and if somebody didn't get him one, he'd get really pissy. Just imagine someone saying "if I don't get a sparkler, I'm gonna be MAD!" in the brattiest, most entitled-sounding voice possible. Ironically, he was terrified of them. He refused to ever hold them because he was afraid of getting burned, so he'd put them in the ground and light them that way. When we were about ten or eleven, me and a friend had them and were waving them in his direction in a wand-like fashion (Harry Potter was all the rage, after all), and he screamed at the top of his lungs and took off in a full sprint as we chased him around the yard (yeah, we were dicks, but he was a bigger dick overall, as you can gather from my previous stories about him).
Of course, we ended up getting in trouble. But we were kids, so we didn't really care. We still thought it was funny.4/09/2016: For those who don't remember, he's got a tendency to shoplift. "Doing his shopping," he calls it. Well, that reached its logical conclusion the other day when he got caught. I don't know the full story because I just got secondhand information, but he got let off easily because whatever it was he stole wasn't too expensive, and it was his "first offense." He did end up getting banned from the store, though (though only temporarily).
6/14/2016: I totally forgot that I had another Jeffrey update!
So, for those of you who don't remember my last post on him, he'd gotten caught shoplifting from the store, but was let off easily because it was his "first offense" (read: first time he was caught). He'd just gotten a temp ban.
Well, after that expired, he went back and tried to get the manager to apologize to him for "bullying" him. Naturally, the manager wasn't having any of that shit, so Jeffrey started sperging at him. He was told to leave, but wouldn't, he just kept going on his tirade. He only left after they threatened to call the cops.
Last I heard, Jeffrey wanted his mom to sue the store, even though he was 100% at fault. I can guarantee you that's not gonna go anywhere. She's coddling, but not stupid.
Jeffrey the Politisperg:
Ever since the election season started, Jeffrey has begun to fancy himself a political commentator apparently. He's never really given a shit about politics before, but now all of a sudden he posts a ton of stuff a day about it. He's a Trump supporter. There's nothing inherently wrong with that, in my opinion. Hell, I'M probably gonna vote for him myself if it means avoiding a Hillary presidency. But Jeffrey's totally fucking batshit about it. For example, he posted this a couple days ago:
That guy who liked it? He's Jeffrey's friend. He likes everything Jeffrey posts, and if Jeffrey gets into arguments online, this guy will usually jump in to lend a helping hand. I don't know very much about him, other than the fact that he doesn't seem very smart and he's a major stoner. Which I always found weird because Jeffrey doesn't use drugs as far as I know.More Jeffrey politisperging:
The person in pink is his new girlfriend. They got together back in March, I think. I've only met her once. She's honestly pretty cute, but she seems to be one of those people who latches onto anyone who'd give them the slightest bit of attention due to a compulsive need to be in a relationship. She likes and shares literally every goddamned thing he posts on Facebook, no matter how exceptional it may be.
Through the few Facebook conversations I've had with Jeffrey, I learned that she was a Bernie supporter when they got together, but he "enlightened" her (read: ridiculed and insulted her until she relented and switched ideologies).The Jeffrey political saga continues:
So, yesterday was my grandmother's 80th birthday, so we had a big family get-together at her house to celebrate. I had a chance to see Jeffrey again, because he was there along with his mother and girlfriend. I used to dread having to see him, but now I kind of anticipate it since it gives me more shit to write about.
So, before this, I always figured that Jeffrey's "I'll kill myself if Trump isn't elected" shit was just him being an overzealous sperg. However, the first thing I noticed about him yesterday was that he had four new-looking slices going down his forearm. Naturally, I asked him what the fuck happened, and his exact response was "we live in a corrupt fucking wasteland, that's what happened!" I asked what he meant, and he started going on a rant about how "Crooked Hillary" (yes, he uses Trump's nicknames in regular conversation) was using her connections to ensure that Trump didn't win.
Eventually, I learned that the cuts had been made in response to him hearing that Hillary was beating Trump in the polls. He cut himself over Donald Trump trailing in polls. Honestly, if he had more of a web presence and wasn't my cousin, I'd start a fucking thread on him. Like I've said before, he's totally batshit.
This was the second time I met his girlfriend (her name's Carly). I guess he's friends with her brother, and that's how they ended up together. Like I touched upon last time, she generally seems really submissive and actually switched political ideologies because of Jeffrey. She didn't really talk to anybody other than him, which was the only time he even seemed to acknowledge her.
Oh, and I later found out through my mom that his mom had tried to tell him not to wear his "Make America Great Again" hat ('cause of course he fucking bought one) to the get-together, but that he had absolutely insisted on it.
And as a little "bonus," here are a couple unrelated stories that I think may make for some good reading material:
So, back in the ancient year of 2006, I became active on TV.com. I was really young at the time, and it had notes and cool bits of trivia about my favorite shows. I thought it was pretty neat, and signed up for an account. It was one of the first sites I ever registered for.
It also had a forum. The first forum I was ever active on, to be precise. The userbase was pretty cool, and it was less autistic than you'd expect a TV show forum to be...except for one fucking guy.
This guy, whom we'll call "Captain Charisma," because his username was based on the wrestler Christian, was probably the first online lolcow I've ever had the "pleasure" of witnessing.
Captain Charisma was constantly creating "elimination game" threads in the cartoon subforums. How that worked was he made a list of character names with numbers next to them. People playing would "heal" a character (add to that character's number) and "hurt" another (subtract from the number), and continue on until one wins. Yeah, it's very autistic.
Anyway, not too many people actually played these games, but he'd keep on making them. Eventually, the staff got sick of them and started deleting them. He sperged out in the forums and his profile. He'd insult them and even threaten them. Sometimes it'd be subtle (like repeatedly telling them "don't make me mad"), while other times they were straight-up death threats. Miraculously, he was never banned for this, though the staff DID warn him a few times (which I know because he'd post a new blog bitching about the site each time they did). My guess is that he knew some higher-up at the site. Either that or their moderation team was mostly incompetent.
He wasn't any more pleasant to the other users. He'd openly insult them and often got into fights with them during his elimination game sperg-outs. People would make fun of him sometimes in other threads for it, and he'd often respond to obvious troll posts as though they were legitimate.
I never really interacted with him personally, but he was a frequent visitor to many of the same subforums as me so I saw a lot of him. I remember finding his antics entertaining, so I started actively observing him.
TV.com got a drastic redesign. I didn't really like it very much, so I mostly stopped going there. I briefly went back in 2008 or 2009, though, pretty much to check in. Guess who was still an active member of the site, and somehow avoided getting banned for that whole length of time. Yep. Captain fucking Charisma.
He seemed to have abandoned the site's forums (or maybe he'd gotten banned from them), but he still regularly posted entries to his page's personal blog (they've since removed this feature), and wrote reviews for different TV shows. The blog posts were mostly stupid "Top 10" lists that nobody read, and each one of them had zero comments. He started claiming to be a critic for some local magazine of his, but when I actually googled the name he gave out of curiosity, nothing relevant came up. The idea that even a local magazine would hire him was pretty fucking laughable too. His writing style was simplistic, and a lot of it was plagiarized. This was around the time Doug Walker started getting popular, and a decent amount of the entries on his stupid lists were word-for-word transcripts of things Walker said in his videos. It was pretty easy to tell the difference between stuff he wrote himself and stuff he stole from other people. There'd be this eloquently worded sentence followed by some simplistic "captain obvious" statement.
His reviews weren't much better. A lot of them were plagiarized from different people too, but the ones that weren't were the real highlight. They were incredibly spergy. One that I remember was a review of that Cartoon Network show, Squirrel Boy. He pretty much detailed about how he got so mad that he cried the first time he saw the show, and blamed it for replacing Looney Tunes (despite the fact that CN stopped showing Looney Tunes in 2004, two years before Squirrel Boy premiered). TV.com had a minimum word count for reviews, which made it painfully obvious when he couldn't think of stuff to say. He'd literally type filler words like "umm" and "uhh" in as a way to boost his word count. Sometimes, he even went as far as copying and pasting the text multiple times to make it look like he'd written more than he had. He also reviewed WWE Raw, and the way he worded certain things suggested that he believed that wrestling was real. His reviews were also deleted a lot, and he'd complain about that in his blog, with his familiar antics of vague and not-so-vague threats.
I'm sure that there's a lot that I'm leaving out, but I've got to go from memory. I tried to check in on him again recently, but unfortunately I couldn't find his profile. I'm guessing that they finally got around to kicking him off the site. It's a shame, really. Had Kiwi Farms been around back then, he'd probably have been worthy of his own thread. I'm sure he's still out there somewhere, though. Who knows? Maybe I'll be lucky enough to find him again one day.
Oh, and I remember his profile said that he was born in, like, 1988 or 1989. Past the point where this kind of behavior would be considered excusable.
Update: I remember that people who got sick of his elimination games used to make up fake characters to troll him with. One that I remember specifically was when he kept getting pissed off at people in a Futurama game because they were "healing" and "hurting" nonexistent characters like "Zember" and "Zeeblo."First and foremost, she was enormous. I'm not exaggerating in the slightest when I say that she about as wide as two of me standing side by side. Not sure if other schools did this (probably), but in my school, we'd periodically get called to the nurse's office in groups to get checkups. They'd test the standard shit, like hearing, sight, etc. Somebody ended up learning that she weighed 310 pounds. I'm not sure how tall she was, but she was definitely on the short side, so that made it extra noticeable. Face-wise, she looked a lot like StrikerWolf, and she kind of sounded like a female version of him. Her hair was atrocious. She always kept it tied back in a ponytail, but there would be tons of stray frizz. I doubt she washed it very often, because it always looked extremely unhealthy. She wore glasses, but the frames were too small, so the side parts always looked like they were digging into her head. I'm betting that she ended up getting permanent creases from that, though I'm just speculating. She always had a lot of acne, and her skin had a sort of pinkish color. I used to joke with my friends that she looked like the fat Majin Buu from Dragon Ball Z.
She would dress in the most attention-whoring way imaginable. She was obsessed with shitty "goffick" bands like Black Veil Brides, Blood on the Dance Floor, and Tokio Hotel, so she'd always wear T-shirts of them. Her general demeanor made it crystal clear that she believed that she was "unique" and "special" for listening to these 3edgy5me bands. She also wore a lot of ugly goth makeup, usually drew a stitch across her mouth, and would paint her arms with ugly symbols a lot. She wore fingerless gloves (which only served to accentuate the fact that her fingers looked like stubby pink sausages) and these ugly boots that made this really loud clunking noise when she walked. You could literally hear her walking from the other side of the building, I'm not exaggerating.
She was extremely annoying. She always seemed to talk louder than necessary. I'm not sure if she was attention-whoring, or if she just didn't know she was doing it, but it was obnoxious either way. She was a massive edgelord, too. Always made a point out of the fact that she was an atheist, and would say that she wanted to go to Hell when she died. She was in my history class in 11th grade, and during our lesson on the Romans, our teacher said that we'd be watching the movie Gladiator. Since it was rated R, we all had to get permission slips signed, though. She got all pissy about that, and didn't think that she should have had to get the slip signed because she watched anime. I swear to god that she actually said "I watch anime" to the teacher in the most smug, condescending voice possible. As though she believed that nobody else ever watched anime or knew what it was. The teacher wasn't having any of that shit, though, and he pretty much told her "that's fine, but you still need to get the slip signed." She made some smartass comment that I can't remember anymore, and then sulked for the rest of the period.
During senior year, she was in my English class. The teacher was really receptive to her shit, so she'd never shut the fuck up. Every time the teacher would tell us to turn to a page in our books, this hambeast would always cut in with "six-hundred sixty-six" after the teacher said the word "page." Every. Single. Time. She'd also bring manga books to class and read them loudly. How can someone read loudly, you ask? Well, she'd audibly react to what she was reading, clearly trying to get attention. One day, for example, we all heard "ohh, well that was an interesting twist!" in dead silence while we were taking a test. She also once claimed that some other girl didn't know what "real problems" were, but that she did because other people made fun of her. Thing is, she kinda brought it on, though. She'd act and dress provocatively, after all.
Funnily enough, my cousin Jeffrey factors minorly into this story, too. During our last day of 10th grade, apparently she got stuck behind him and someone that he was talking to while walking in the hallway. She told them to get out of her way and Jeffrey turned around and said "shut up, you fat ugly lesbian." She went into the bathroom and cried. That's what Jeffrey told me, anyway. If it actually happened, then it's kind of funny because she always made a point of "not caring" what other people thought.
But this time, I've got a bonus. Instead of leaving you to go by my word alone, I've actually got a picture of this one:
If you can't see the date, it's from 2009. More recent pictures are hard to come by, because she stopped taking them. She got progressively fatter since then, though, and this was how she dressed on a typical day. This picture was captioned "sweet blasphemy," because she's an edgy atheist with her arms in prayer position I'm guessing.That's got nothing to do with Jeffrey, but I happened across this one again and figured it'd be a fun story for people to listen to a classy brit tell.Stuff I forgot to mention about Tara the Edgy Goff:
I didn't associate with her, but I know all this stuff because she'd never shut the hell up.
- She was a gay rights supporter, but much like Tumblr, she was all about the SJW brownie points. Each year, she'd participate in the "Day of Silence" and would come to school with pro-gay symbols on her face and body instead of the edgy crap seen in the above picture. She'd get really pissed off if someone said the word "fag."
- The senior year English teacher mentioned above was a mid-year replacement. We were one of the first classes she ever had because she was fresh out of college, only a few years older than us, and (not gonna lie) exceptionally cute. During class one day, she told Tara that the teacher there before her had said that Tara dressed and acted that way to get attention. This made Tara really mad, and she went on for about ten minutes about how "this was who she really was." The funny thing? She didn't start dressing or acting like that 'till about 7th or 8th grade. She was relatively normal before that.
- She unironically used the word "prep" to describe people she didn't like. Yeah, there's a reason I named her after Tara Gillesbie.
- She had three dogs, and all of them were named after snack foods. Their names were Marshmallow, Popcorn, and Rocky Road.
- She was obsessed with Germany because a lot of her shitty bands were German. She'd always say "scheizer" instead of "shit" but didn't really seem to know much more German than that. She was also a bit of a weeb, and talked about moving to Japan sometimes.
- She was also obsessed with black, the color of edginess. It was her "favorite color" and most of her shirts were black. She was in my science class in ninth grade, and we were doing an experiment with chemicals. One of the chemicals was silver nitrate. The teacher specifically told us to be careful with it because it'd turn our skin black if it got on our hands. She blurted out "oh, cool!" and immediately emptied the entire vial onto her hands.
- She'd bitch out anyone who said anything even remotely negative about something she liked.
- She and I rode the same bus, and she made a big issue about someone sitting in her usual seat. Seriously, the entire bus ride she and this other person kept going back and forth because someone took "her" seat. Serious business.
- She always bitched about her brother. Said brother looked exactly like her. No, not just a familial resemblance. He literally had the exact same face as her, just with different hair and clothes. They weren't twins, but they looked like twins. He was older, though. He was also seemingly better adjusted than her, and kept jobs more consistently after they graduated. That being said, he looked and sounded almost exactly like StrikerWolf.
- If teachers didn't put up with her shit, she'd walk out of class.
- She was a fan of Cassandra Clare
- She once left school early to go to a Black Veil Brides concert, something she wouldn't shut the fuck up about for months after it happened. She even got the lead singer to sign her excuse and kept it on her person at all times. She'd never hesitate to pull it out for anyone she could get to listen.
I've got most of them here but there's still a couple I need to get because I'm too sleepy ro do anything right now.
