What are the Worst Movies of All Time? - The thread for discussing celluloid syphilis

[Captain Syrup]

Terminator 3

I never really sought out the Terminator sequels. I just watched them if they happened to be on. I skipped Dark Fate because my lizard brain clocked that bringing back old favorites is the franchise equivalent of Weekend at Bernie’s.

But all things considered, Genisys was more offensive. Like, T3 is at least a movie. Events occur.

That already puts it leagues above Genisys. It’s gibberish! Hologram gibberish! It just name-drops continuity every six seconds and you're supposed to immediately bust a nut in your pants from nostalgia. "FUUUUCKK YEAHHH THIS IS CINEMA"

 

[Neodanthril]

It had something to say, though.

So does piss Christ, doesn't make it good either.

 

[BrunoMattei]

Just because a movie is boring and tedious on purpose doesn't make it good

I hope you OD on your ADHD medication and get your organs harvested by the Chinese.

 

[naaaaiiiiillllll!!!]

What's weird for me, ultra nihilistic dude that I am, that the nostalgia faggotry did get me once when I saw Ghostbusters Afterlife. A mid film that I have no interest in rewatching. But just seeing the guys again in the suits for 5 minutes and hit that tiny bit of feels remaining.

I want to say that’s just a sign of our humanity. Something similar happened with me after watching the Indiana Jones 5 trailer and seeing/hearing Sallah talk about missing adventure. I haven’t even seen Indy 5, but those few seconds of Sallah talking to Indy ALMOST made me consider sailing the seas to watch the film.

Tax for this thread: while I can only judge films I’ve personally seen and I’m certain there are horrors beyond my comprehension yet unseen, the worst film I ever paid for at a movie theater was Ladybird (2017). Most “bad” movies are extremely boring, but this film actively irritated me. Nobody in the film is likable and there really isn’t a story per se. I guess it’s an autobiographical-ish “slice of life” story about some annoying HS school girl in a crappy (but not crappy enough to be interesting) family during 2002 in shitty Sacremento CA and that’s why nothing’s interesting. Still, a good drama needs to either tell an interesting story or have something interesting to say (of which Ladybird has neither of). A story with unlikable characters doing nothing of consequence only works in a comedy.

 

[Jace on ice]

Wonder Woman 1984 was the worst movie I saw in 2020 and is probably the third worst movie I've seen in the last five years.

 

[WULULULULU]

As for movies I have seen on the cinema. Definitely a tie between Barbie and Weathering With You. One was propaganda, the other was just pretty graphics with no character nor plot.

 

[Pokemon Conquistador]

View attachment 7447010
I bet none of you can guess how this so-called family film ends.

Rifftrax did a lot of movies about swamps (including this one) and one of them (I think it was Swamp of the Ravens) actually had a scene where a doctor does a quickie autopsy on a real dead body. I remember seeing the scene and thinking "Wow, this fake dead body looks really convincing. I wonder how much it cost to make---" and then I remembered that the movie had a budget of like, ten bucks, and there was no way it was going to spend money to recreate a convincing looking prop corpse.

Just because a movie is boring and tedious on purpose doesn't make it good

Confused Matthew? Is that you?

 

[Captain Syrup]

Wonder Woman 1984 was the worst movie I saw in 2020 and is probably the third worst movie I've seen in the last five years.

Killed the WW franchise, took the Snyderverse down with it and salted the earth of 80's nostalgia.

Ebert once said that Nic Cage was a good actor in good movies and essential in bad ones, and the same goes for Pedro Pascal. The rest of the cast vanished like they got black-bagged.

 

[XYZpdq Jr.]

2001 is a Great Film
2010 is a good movie

the big problem I have with 2001 is you really have to shut off all your fans, fridges, basically ALL your shit, since a big chunk of the movie is "oh, it's the OTHER ambient noise"

 

[NOT Sword Fighter Super]

Maybe the second half of the movie suddenly becomes good?

It doesn't. It's bad and cringe the whole way through with the only slightly creepy scene being when the mannequins come to life and start walking around.

I had to force myself to watch this in two parts, probably stopped the first time around the time you did.

At the very least I can honestly say "I saw the whole thing".

Glad I pirated it, though.

 

[Neodanthril]

real answer monster a go go. total shitshow. the majority of the movie is b-roll of people walking around or doing nothing particularly interesting or relevent to the plot, and there was a four year gap in filming so a lot of the cast is not in the second half of the movie and one of the rehires has to become a different character midway through because he looks so different. only watched it because it was on mst3k and even with them riffing on it it was hard to watch because there was almost nothing for them to even riff on.

 

[Fartificial Insmelligence]

The 2024 Nostferatu. I have no idea why people liked it, seems like people thought it was great because of the overly sexual tones but I found it tacky, and the jumpscares were just annoying. Stinks too, ‘cuz I was really excited for it!

 

[Captain Syrup]

This is the most psychotic movie ever made.

We open on a dying grandpa straight out of Silent Night, Deadly Night and he tells baby Hal to only date 10s or whatever. That’s the inciting trauma.

So Hal's (Jack Black with a Turning Point USA haircut) whole thing is he’s “shallow,” but all his friends are, like, circus mutants. One guy literally has a tail. That guy’s trying to get pussy with a tail and Jack Black is like, “I can’t date her, her elbows are dry."

Then out of nowhere Hal gets in an elevator with the final boss of pyramid schemes, Tony Robbins. Tony mutters some Jedi curse that rewires Hal's brain so he sees "inner beauty". So now Hal's just walking around, picking up women while they shop for lingere, and he sees Gwyneth Paltrow dipped in mayonnaise.

And instead of questioning it even once, he's like, “Wow, this Victoria’s Secret model really loves cake and breaks chairs when she sits down. Must be my lucky day.”

They fuck. Repeatedly. Like there is an extended sequence implying he’s having sex with a 350-pound woman and at no point does he go, “Huh, she weighs as much as a vending machine. Curious."

And then (this is real, this happens) he VISITS A BURN WARD. Full of disfigured children.

Then Tony Robbins, again, like he’s activating a Manchurian Candidate, says a secret phrase over the phone and Jack Black goes back to seeing everyone how they really are, including the children. He's like, “Oh god, who’s this melted gremlin?”

The movie ends with him realizing the fat chick he was dating was Gwyneth Paltrow the whole time, just in a fatsuit. And instead of going, “Wow, this was a massive violation of my autonomy by Tony Robbins,” he’s like, “Guess I’ll join the Peace Corps.” I am not making that up. That is the actual ending. Him and Goopzilla head off to dig wells or teach English or whatever.

"Oh nooo, Hollywood doesn’t understand the fat struggle.” But bro: they’ve done this movie already. They did it with Ricki Lake in Baby Cakes, they did it with America Ferrera in Real Women Have Curves. This is just the dumbest possible version of it. It takes every vaguely progressive idea and just beats it to death with a mallet for 90 minutes. Every message is ruined.

 

[XYZpdq Jr.]

This is the most psychotic movie ever made.

that's definitely a lot more than just "lol she's fat and he doesn't know!"
sorta like how there's more happening than "some potheads lost their car" in Dude Where's My Car

real answer monster a go go. total shitshow. the majority of the movie is b-roll of people walking around or doing nothing particularly interesting or relevent to the plot, and there was a four year gap in filming so a lot of the cast is not in the second half of the movie and one of the rehires has to become a different character midway through because he looks so different. only watched it because it was on mst3k and even with them riffing on it it was hard to watch because there was almost nothing for them to even riff on.

one time TCM had a double-feature of Monster A Go-Go and Giant Spider Invasion for a Bill Rebane retrospective

 

[Captain Syrup]

Dan Aykroyd should never be allowed near a final cut. Doctor Detroit's not quite Nothing But Trouble, but it's in the same zip code as Blues Brothers 2000.

The plot reads like a Saved by the Bell episode: a tenured sociology dork is ambushed by a cartoon harem, all because their pimp owes money to a crime boss named “Mom” who, conveniently, doesn’t know what the pimp looks like. Aykroyd becomes “Doctor Detroit,” who appears to be Tony Clifton with coke jaw.

The villain is indistinguishable from Large Marge, and I had to pause the movie to cross-reference IMDb. At one point "Doctor Detroit" threatens to rip off Mom's head and shit down her neck, which puts him three years ahead of Stand By Me and more than a decade before Duke Nukem 3D. Now I’m on some cursed pilgrimage to figure out who first coined that phrase. Frustratingly Fran Drescher is given top billing despite the hookers disappearing from the plot at this point.

Anyway, it all ends in a fencing duel at some intercontinental pimp ball featuring James Brown (sure, why not) and Doctor Detroit wins by using kabob skewers. The movie ends by teasing a sequel, and honestly part of me still wants the version I was promised: Superfly Aykroyd and Nanny Fine running a sex worker co-op out of a liberal arts college.

 

[demicolon]

I hope you OD on your ADHD medication and get your organs harvested by the Chinese.

Done. Wasn't as bad as I expected, especially the the OD and Space Odyssey still sucks even without a kidney and there's not enough LSD in the world to make it watchable for me. If I have to get high to appreciate it then it sucks, same as if I have to get drunk to want to do your mother then she's ugly.

Anyway, Citizen Kane is Orson Wells's Sonichu. Dude made a movie to paint that DAMN, DIRTY William Randolph Hearst as a sad little man with mommy issues. I don't care if it was revolutionary or shit, it was the most boring 3+ hours of my life just to see the ending which I knew already where it turns out there was no point to all this as he just really wanted his childhood back. LAME. Only way it could be more annoying if it turned out it was all just a dream, the hackiest trope of all.

 

[Captain Syrup]

Bones should’ve been a layup: Snoop Dogg dies in 1979 and comes back as a ghost in a red leather trench coat to kill gentrifiers.

Instead, we get a mashup of Candyman and The Crow, except with maggots instead of bees.

Snoop plays Jimmy Bones, a neighborhood protector who is... a numbers runner? Not even a small-time weed dealer. He holds back the tide of crack until he gets murdered by a combo of drug dealers and a corrupt cop. Everything goes to hell without him. Fast-forward to the present, where a group of teens decide to open a nightclub in Jimmy’s old house. This resurrects Jimmy as a haunted blunt.

The corrupt cop, played by Michael T. Weiss in a Nutty Professor fat suit... So jarring and unnecessary, I spent the movie wondering why they didn’t just cast a different actor or, hear me out, cut the character entirely. He doesn’t actually do anything. He just kind of wanders around looking scared, even though there’s no reason for him to suspect that the club will summon a supernatural pimp. Also, shout out to Pam Grier who exists to deliver exposition.

There are kills, but no suspense. Jimmy has no opposition. He just floats from scene to scene, removing heads and spraying maggots.

 

[Calandrino]

real answer monster a go go. total shitshow. the majority of the movie is b-roll of people walking around or doing nothing particularly interesting or relevent to the plot, and there was a four year gap in filming so a lot of the cast is not in the second half of the movie and one of the rehires has to become a different character midway through because he looks so different. only watched it because it was on mst3k and even with them riffing on it it was hard to watch because there was almost nothing for them to even riff on.

I liked Monster a Go Go better than Matrix Reloaded tbh

one time TCM had a double-feature of Monster A Go-Go and Giant Spider Invasion for a Bill Rebane retrospective

I will admit that Giant Spider Invasion is the superior film though

 

[Captain Syrup]

The Thing (2011)

It’s supposed to be a prequel, right? But they literally just do the same exact plot but with a bunch of sad bearded Swedes. There is an alien dog, everyone dies...except now instead of Kurt Russell you get Mary Elizabeth Winstead doing her best Ripley impression.

Yes, they replaced the practical effects with CGI, everyone knows that. But even if they'd kept the original effects, it wouldn’t have saved this lifeless retread. The Thing reveals itself constantly for no reason, there’s zero tension because the actors can’t interact with the CGI blob in any meaningful way, and the alien does that Terminator Salvation thing where it just kinda throws people instead of killing them, opting instead to scream and flop around.

Mary Elizabeth Winstead freezes to death because the plot needs to get out of the way of the real movie. And the only new lore is that it can infect you via by touch now? Which seems to exist solely to justify the origin of the split-face corpse from the Carpenter film? It doesn’t look the same, and no one needed that backstory in the first place!

 

[Tasty Tatty]

that's definitely a lot more than just "lol she's fat and he doesn't know!"
sorta like how there's more happening than "some potheads lost their car" in Dude Where's My Car

Hal wasn't even that shallow. His friend was much worst. He didn't want to date a hottie because she had a long toe.