Personal Lolcows - Lolcows in your personal life.

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Just a quick thing from someone who's kind of a minor lolcow.
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She just got fired on the first day of her first job, before lunch even.

She's 30.

I'm beginning to think she deserves a small writeup on here.
 
I have a few from my school days.

My secondary school had a handful of autists and other weirdos, probably about the same proportion as the population. Most of them weren't particularly noteworthy, but there were a few who were quite unusual.

Creepy Cameron
Cameron was an autistic creep who reminded me a bit of Chris if Chris was a bit higher functioning mentally. He stalked girls around the school and allegedly touched them, though I never saw that with my own eyes. He tried to hang around with the nerds, and they repeatedly rejected him, but he wouldn't listen.

He was prone to some very strange comments. The one I remember most was one time in the sixth form common room when he was sitting with a few other people. He decided to start talking about masturbation, and how he used a vibrator. The strangest part was that he thought the main purpose of masturbation was so he wouldn't piss his bed in the night.

So Chris might be able to avoid :briefs: if he mass debated more.

Later, I found his Twitter. He tweeted that a woman wearing a short skirt was just asking to be raped.

I think he may have ended up as an incel.

Blu-ray Ed
When I was about 13, I was one of those twats who picked on sped kids. I still am, which is why I'm here, but I was even more so then. Anyway, there was an autist in the year above us called Ed who, as expected, was obsessed with Sonic the Hedghog. Some of his work was stuck up on the wall, and it was covered in Sonic and the odd Amy.

I don't know how people discovered this, but he used to tard rage hard if anyone said the word "Blu-ray", so, obviously, we did whenever we saw him. Once enraged, he would chase us around the school and try to hit us with his lunch bag. As time went on, he got some other trigger words as well. Saying "Indiana Jones" or "You've got short hair" sent him off in the same way. Eventually the special educational needs officer requested that we stop saying Blu-ray around him, an unusual request even by the standards of the job.

Tamjid the Terrorist
Tamjid was a very unusual boy who was probably autistic, but since he was from a Bangladeshi family they didn't know what that was. His autistic obsession was with jihad and sharia law, which was both concerning and hilarious, though at a younger age he was more obsessed with the cartoon Avatar: Legend of Aang. At about age 12 he created a club called "The Assassins of Tamjid", which a couple of other Asian weirdos joined.

As time went on, he became increasingly focused on religious morality. He wrote a list of commandments which dictated that women should wear modest clothing and music should be made illegal. This wasn't terribly popular with the other students, and it remained on paper only. His response to being criticised was usually that the Iraq War was bad, so infidels didn't have the right to tell him he was wrong. He refused to shower with shampoo, preferring to put olive oil in his hair. He smelled pretty bad, so it didn't work out too well.

Though he was incredibly thick in most ways, he was surprisingly good at mental arithmetic. It's what makes me convinced he was probably undiagnosed autistic.

The culmination of his daft story was his parents' attempts to arrange a marriage for him. He was engaged to about 3 different girls, and each time the girl's family withdrew after realising what he was actually like. I don't know if he ever got married in the end.
 
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So remember the Jeopardy! fan I mentioned in this post? Guy who's hung up on some events that happened on the show many years ago, yet he feels are SRS BZNS? Can't take a joke about wooden legs? Thinks that people should be reminded of their mistakes forever because he has made some mistakes of his own?

He has spread to TV Tropes with his misconception of "Guy in this 1995 game forgot to phrase an early clue in the form of a question, and lost by less than the value of the clue". And guess what? Even they won't take his bullshit. Two other editors have already reverted his edits to their article on the show. One of them happened to be an admin, and said they will block him if he does it again.

Also, his latest bug-up-the-ass regarding Jeopardy! is one of the tournaments where one contestant went all-in on a Daily Double despite already being in the lead, got it wrong, and finished the tournament game with a negative score as a result. He stated that this was "rigging" akin to the scandals that nearly destroyed game shows back in the '50s. Even though this was a contestant who was kind of known for making enormous wagers, and "let's bet it all" is a perfectly valid move. This guy said that the contestant was conspiring to make a mockery of the game by making such an "illogical" move, and says he "thinks" that the contestant colluded with his competitors to do it. He even said that he e-mailed the show about this contestant's "pathetic" play and asked for their winnings to be revoked.

Keep in mind this contestant did well enough that he got to compete against Ken freakin' Jennings, very likely the most famous contestant in the show's history, in a tournament. This contestant became so associated with gutsy wagers that other contestants have name-dropped him when doing likewise. And yet, this lolcow wants this guy sacked for being a disgrace to the game.

Sadly, his posts complaining about this were deleted before I could screencap them. But one said, quote, "HE THREW AWAY A (BLEEP)IN' LEAD!!!!!!!" Yes, complete with "bleep" written in lieu of a swear, and about 40 billion exclamation points.

More choice quotes that I missed previously:

It is NOT bizarre, [name]! J! players who make self-inflicted costly mistakes are the same as Cleveland sports teams making self-inflicted costly mistakes. "Red Right 88" and "The Fumble" were directly self-inflicted costly mistakes that would have either won the game or tied the game, for example. Even when the Indians were one game away from moving on in the 1999 or 2007 playoffs and choked away both those series; those were self-inflicted costly mistakes, and that is what I and other Clevelanders are reminded of when a J! player makes a mistake that costs them the game or tournament.

Someone else: Unless you're prepared to present evidence showing that even one single Clevelander other than you "thinks the way you do" regarding Jeopardy!, then you need to stop speaking for an entire city and attributing your own warped world views to them.

Him: I may not know such a person now, but eventually I will find someone in this area that does. I am certain of that.

Someone else: Well until that day, stop lying.

him: DON'T YOU EVER TELL ME I AM LYING!!!!!! THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO THINK THE WAY I DO HERE IN CLEVELAND ABOUT THIS!! I am sensitive about that. I would not say it if it wasn't true, and I don't say these things lightly. Again, we are not all mind-numbed robots here in this area.
 

"Who's that? He looks like the unholy lovechild of Nookie Bear and Aaron Diaz."

"Hey, that's actually a pretty apt description!"

"But what does he do or say that makes him a lolcow? I don't understand Kraut."

"Okay, let's begin with the basics. This guy is a cheap German knockoff of Carl Sagan, in that he's a professor of physics at Ludwig-Maximilian-University in Munich and has produced a number of TV formats in which he explains scientific stuff. He's called Prof. Harald Lesch."

"But that sounds pretty cool..."

"It would be if his explanations were actually correct and well thought-out. But he has a history of spreading what amounts to downright misinformation. E.g. he once claimed: Antimatter rockets can't work because the magnetic field reigning in the antimatter would consume too much energy (which is BS; NASA engineers have presented a number of workable antimatter rocket designs). This new video though is basically the Sonichu or Maradonia of science popularization. In it, he attempts to answer the question: Could Liquid Thorium Fluoride Reactors (LFTRs) solve the nuclear waste problem? -- and goes on to spew a tsunami of BS.

In Germany, the official policy is that any and all kinds of nuclear energy are EVUL and therefore most media and TV programs make sure to present it in a negative light. Prof. Lesch takes this bias to a new level.

The video begins by him trying to explain how nuclear power works. "There's these fuel rods in there, and there's, like, this radioactive material in there and it makes energy." -- No: It's not a verbal caricature I've created, it's more or less a verbatim translation of what he says. Yes: In the German original it sounds like an excerpt from a school essay written by a twelve-year old kid of sub-average intelligence.

(Nuclear power works by fissioning nuclei through a neutronic chain reaction, the fact that these nuclei are radioactive is not very relevant to the process. Lesch makes it sound like radioactivity is the alpha and omega of nuclear power, basically confusing reactors and isotope batteries.)

The video is filled with numerous statements similar to the above, that is, either downright falsehoods or over-simplifications which do more to confuse the listener than educate him.

After explaining the Thorium cycle and the self-regulating abilities of molten-salt reactors roughly (very *roughly*!) correctly, Lesch drops the bomb. He asks: "Has such a reactor ever been built? Yes: In Hamm-Uentrop."

Holy shit.

There once was an experimental nuclear power plant in Hamm-Uentrop (before Germany's collective ecotardification), but it wasn't a LFTR -- it was a frikken Gas-Cooled Pebble-Bed Reactor!! Very different technology. No molten salt here, just graphite-actinide balls and helium to carry the heat.

It gets worse. In the next sentence, Lesch claims the Hamm-Uentrop plant WAS A FAST BREEDER! There was in fact a fast breeder built kinda close to Hamm, in Kalkar in the same state (North Rhine-Westphalia) -- but it was never turned on due to ecotards taking over -- but anyway: A Gas-Cooled Pebble Bed isn't a LFTR and also not a fast breeder! It's like claiming a car is an airplane and at the same time a boat."

"That's horrible! You said this guy is a professor. Wouldn't that mean he actually studied physics?"

"One would hope so. But in his TV shows and videos his grasp on many topics put him on the level of Chris-Chan or Drachenlord. I think the truth is that he has trained himself (or was trained?) to dance to the tune of his producers, which is the tune of the current official political doctrine. In fact, he has a kind of adjutant called Ranga Yogeshwar who comes across as a combination of Roosh V and Eliezer Yudkowsky. This guy produces popular science programs too -- but sort of plays the second fiddle compared with Lesch -- and is known for his tedious ribald jokes ["Y'know, guys, I've had this hot phd student and she had really large gazongas, huhuhuhuhuhuhu..."]. In fact, I, DDC, had the pleasure of working with him for a week; Ranga was the top dog at a week-long science show where I was employed in an exhibition tent. The first day ended with a huge annoying stage show where Ranga made boob jokes and propaganda for a wholly stupid solar-powered car (1 HP during fair weather, he talked about how it would "revolutionize traffic"); in the end, he made all coworkers come onstage and high-fived everyone, but I wasn't sufficiently cool for this manly alpha scientist stuff and held out my hand at an awkward angle, so Ranga only brushed my lower arm... this was, luckily, the end of my interactions with him.

Science programs on German TV have mostly turned into a garbage-fest. This Thorium video by Lesch is probably the worst among a bad lot. It isn't even on Greenpeace level ("Nuclear power is baaad, mkay..."), it's actually more similar to Drachenlord's "scientific statements": "Skin isn't an organ." That is, Lesch obviously didn't do even basic research and just vomited out what went through his balding rotund head."

If you can understand Kraut, here's a guy pointing out Lesch's many mistakes/lies/falsehoods/etc.:



Or an English-language video on LFTRs which is mostly correct:

 
So, I totally didn't realize that I'd mixed up a couple Jeffrey stories. I told the one about him getting banned from using scissors and having to tear his paper, right? Well, I was looking over them again out of boredom when I realized that I'd actually told that story twice, once saying that it happened in preschool, and later in kindergarten. It actually happened in kindergarten, I'd just been remembering wrong when telling the preschool story, and will fix it. EDIT: Guess I can't fix it due to an apparently recently-imposed word limit on posts. So just pretend it isn't there.

Speaking of whom, I don't really know much about what's been going on with his legal issues because he's been pretty hush-hush about that whole mess. What I do know is that the family lawyer has gotten involved and has dissuaded his mother from trying to use that stupid excuse that she was unaware that he had the car.

And even though a shit-ton of people are turning on Donald Trump after this whole Syria thing, Jeffrey's one of those morons who praises him no matter what stupid bullshit he does, and repeats the usual "4D chess" crap that gets spread around /pol/ every time he does something retarded.
 
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(I've never posted here and I'm relatively new to the Farms so please forgive me if I did something stupid)
I dunno if he qualifies, but I go to "alternative school" with an extreme liberal named Justin.

Here's some tidbits from his Facebook:

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(comments)
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(comments)
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lol (no I'm not Michael)

Just some more exceptionalism, at least he didn't create this though
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Because that's how democracy works.
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(comments, how these two manage to stay alive is beyond me.)
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And then there's this gem
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(also he's a manlet)
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(I've never posted here and I'm relatively new to the Farms so please forgive me if I did something stupid)
I dunno if he qualifies, but I go to "alternative school" with an extreme liberal named Justin.

Here's some tidbits from his Facebook:

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(comments)
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(comments)
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lol (no I'm not Michael)

Just some more exceptionalism, at least he didn't create this though
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Because that's how democracy works.
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(comments, how these two manage to stay alive is beyond me.)
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And then there's this gem
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(also he's a manlet)
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I just can't handle how edgy this guy is. Who needs a pair of scissors when you can call Justin.
 
I have a more recent tale of horrorcow experience, now that I've gotten Botherguts out of my system. This one is a cow collective, as there were a few involved but one in particular who we will refer to as Lurch and the one who brought Lurch into our lives, Birk. I'm going to keep it kind of vague because I don't want to be outed, and my paranoia is not letting up.

A friend of mine had been asked to go to an event as a performer by Birk, despite not having performed in this particular activity for quite some time. Birk had been put in charge of finding performers by an overseas company running the event, and it came with free accommodation. He asked two other girls too, both young hobby performers. As it happens I'm a semi-professional performer and my friend (codename Pinko) asked me along as a plus one, and I had nothing better to do so I said yes.

The first issue cropped up when it came to travel expenses. Birk had assured Pinko she could use the public transport system for a discount, but he turned out to be wrong and she had to pay out of pocket fees. Pinko was only going to this event in the first place because she had a trading stall there, and the expenses took up a good chunk of her profit. Out of solidarity, I offered to split the cost with her, because thanks to a registered disability card I carry for a physical illness, I can travel everywhere in the country for free. This detail will be important later.

We were put up in a very nice holiday apartment, fully furnished. The girls were all staying in one room, and the 5 guys were camping out in the main kitchen/sitting room area. As we were getting settled in for the night, the door knocked and one of the (normal) guys popped in to grab a spare blanket from us, and for some reason Lurch thought this was a good excuse to follow him in. He stretched out on the end of our bed, tried to tickle Pinko's feet, fiddled with the TV none of us were interested in putting on and showed no signs of getting the fuck out until I told him point blank to leave. He called us all 'very attractive ladies' on the way out. I've never seen three girls shudder in sync before.

As a plus one, I didn't have to go to the event as early as the others, so on day one I took my time getting into my performance outfit. It was a good thing I had that time, because somehow the men had managed to use all the towels in the bathroom that morning except the ones I had kidnapped the night before for the girls' room, and they destroyed the bathroom in the process. There should have been enough towels for twelve families, the ones we ended up with were barely big enough to cover crotch to nipple. (More on that coming up...) So I took ages getting ready in the girls' room, and when I walked out I realized that Lurch was still in the apartment, even though he was meant to be working the event.

And then he goes "...aw, so cute, I want to hug you," when he sees my performance outfit. I get this reaction often enough, so I responded with the standard 'go ahead' laugh, out of automatic politeness. He did hug me, but then he picked me up off the ground and held me right up against his sweaty, musty trenchcoat and unwashed t-shirt clad body for the best part of three minutes. I should point out he was well over six feet tall, and I am the size of a standard hobbit. He didn't put me down until I started 'playfully' kicking his knee as hard as I could. I have washed that outfit since, and it still has that faint odour of forced creep exposure.

The next day, I was very ill. I had been nursing a cold that turned into a full blown bronchial infection, and the men had not only made the kitchen area a complete disaster of half-full dishes, old fast food, milk turning sour and various empty alcohol containers but they spent all night every night drinking and being loud, so between their aggro and my breathing problems I hadn't slept properly for about 48 hours. During the event I pulled myself together just long enough to get my performance done and then I figured I'd go back while the apartment was empty, steam up my lungs in the shower and take a nap before they all came back. Lurch was at the event hall when I left, working.

I got out of the shower, and just as I was looking for my pyjamas the door knocked, housekeeping asking if we needed towels. Thinking the apartment was empty, I ran into the hall in the one flimsy towel I'd managed to rescue from the bathroom, and who is there answering the door but fucking Lurch. I didn't even hear him come in, and that door was pretty goddamn loud. I grabbed the towels and ran back to the girls' room, and we all agreed to keep the door locked from then on.

Third night managed to be worse than the first two, as the guys got twice as drunk (one of them, btw, was a minor. He puked everywhere and fell asleep in the lift.) Locked in the girls' room, we were all talking about how Lurch wouldn't leave any of us alone. Two of us are in relationships, the other two are gold star lesbians, and even knowing that didn't stop him. He kept standing in front of their trading stalls, scaring away customers and trying to look down their shirts. He slapped one of the younger girls' ass and kept ruffling Pinko's hair even when she told him she was going to punch him if he didn't fuck off. He would not stop trying to come into our room, telling him "Don't come in, we're naked!" just made him more determined. (We were never properly naked, too risky.)

When the event came to a close, the girls decided to stay in the area an extra day as tourists, and it was a good thing we did because the guys did a 'clean-up' that actually just made everything worse. They managed to use every single dish but didn't wash any of them, though we had a working dishwasher. As I was cleaning out the sink I had to work around rotten milk and ramen that had been tossed in there. Rotten milk was dumped in the toilet, clogging it up really badly, and we found two pairs of dirty boxers on the ground. We filled three bags with garbage and left the place in as good a condition as we could, because the company that rented the place on our behalf would have gotten serious complaints with how they left it, and the organizers we met from the company were lovely and didn't deserve that. But deciding to stay an extra day revealed the worst part of all of this.

Pinko was trying to work around her finances when Birk told her the reason why he thought he could get the travel expenses for nothing: Lurch had the disability card, like me.

Except it wasn't like my one. My one is a standard card, given to people with mobility issues but are otherwise competent. I cannot use it to get a carer, a partner or a friend on transport for free, I'm on my own. You can be given a special version of this card with a mark on it, to indicate that you are severely disabled and cannot travel without assistance, so a named carer or partner can travel for free too, but only with you and only that person. The government is very cagey about giving these cards to people, they are rigorously means tested. Even if you are paralyzed from the neck down you might be refused the special card because you can still operate an electric wheelchair by yourself.

Lurch's card, however, had a particular mark, one that is issued very rarely. It indicates that this person should not, under any circumstances, travel anywhere unaccompanied. It's only given to people with advanced developmental delays that affect motor skills, the severely brain damaged, and anyone who is determined to be a danger to themselves and/or the public. Birk had brought him along to get on the transport for free, and just assumed Lurch was allowed have a whole bunch of people tagging along. What Birk didn't seem to understand was that he was personally responsible for making sure Lurch didn't harm anyone or himself, which is hard to do when you're drunk, or too busy harassing women yourself to notice that the registered dangerous person has followed the small sick girl back to the apartment so he can be alone with her.

We laugh about it now, but at the time it was pretty scary.
 
I added a Hall of Fame to the OP to collect some of the funniest tales in this 150 page thread. Gonna try and add @littlebiscuits Bwenden story in there as well.
Any requests? We currently have Benito, Proctor the Butt Doctor, and Jeffery in there.
 
I used to manage a business between late 2015 to mid 2016. In the last few months of my position there we wound up hiring this individual. On her first day she walked from employee to employee demanding to know how much they made per hour (it was an entry level minimum-wage thing, everyone but me and two other people were making minimum). She would ramble incessantly about how men made more than women and she knew she was getting paid less than everybody. This was when she wasn't going into detail about how her parents kicked her out of their house and she was living with her cousin, who was also planning on kicking her out if she didn't pay rent (or something to that effect).

Like any good manager I had employees working simpler repetitive tasks for their first few shifts before working them up to the more demanding material. This wasn't good enough for her of course. She would repeatedly pester me about working the higher level stuff even though she wasn't even doing a decent job at the simpler tasks and I frequently caught her poking around on her cell phone.

Shit hit the fan one day when she came in for her shift and refused to work the task I had assigned to her for that day. The owner happened to be in at the time so I explained the situation to him. We called in somebody else for her shift and told her to go home. She refused to leave and the owner fired her on the spot. In a hilarious bit of tard rage she ran to the bathroom and started screaming to herself and beating on the walls (we took a picture of the footprint she left on the tiles - I'm sure I could dig it up if I reached out to my old coworkers).

Since then, I've followed her sporadic online presence. She apparently fancies herself a singer and actress despite not even being competent at a basic retail job. Turns out she wasn't lying. Her cousin did kick her out and now she's in a group home. She hasn't been active since February, but boy is she a trip.

My old work buds and I still get laughs reminiscing about her lunacy.

Her Youtube.

Her Other Youtube.

Her Twitter

She has like four twitters, three YouTubes, and a Facebook, but that's about all you need to get the gist.
 
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I invited Jeffrey out for lunch again yesterday to possibly provide an update on his legal woes. Much like last time, this proved ultimately fruitless. The Facebook status I showed earlier is gone, and he refuses to say anything about it. I know that the family lawyer's gotten involved so my guess is that he's told Jeffrey to keep his mouth shut about the whole thing to avoid shooting himself in the foot over and over.

Also like last time, I learned other stuff. He now says that he's bored of his girlfriend (who, if you need a refresher, lives with him and his mom because her parents supposedly kicked her out). His mom won't let him break up with her, though, because she has nowhere else to go and she refuses to let him throw her out into the streets. I also learned that the whole situation is his fault to begin with. Apparently their issue was with him. Her parents didn't like him (are you surprised by this?) and tried to get her to end things with him. It led to a big fight and she ended up cutting ties with them over it. Like I've alluded to, she's not exactly stable herself. She's really cool though once you get to know her.

And because I'm a fair man, there is one genuinely redeeming quality he has that I can think of: he really likes cats and actually gets along very well with them. He has one as a pet, and I've never seen him treat it with anything but kindness. He's a horrible, horrible person, but he's still human.
 
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I invited Jeffrey out for lunch again yesterday to possibly provide an update on his legal woes. Much like last time, this proved ultimately fruitless. The Facebook status I showed earlier is gone, and he refuses to say anything about it. I know that the family lawyer's gotten involved so my guess is that he's told Jeffrey to keep his mouth shut about the whole thing to avoid shooting himself in the foot over and over.

Also like last time, I learned other stuff. He now says that he's bored of his girlfriend (who, if you need a refresher, lives with him and his mom because her parents supposedly kicked her out). His mom won't let him break up with her, though, because she has nowhere else to go and she refuses to let him throw her out into the streets. I also learned that the whole situation is his fault to begin with. Apparently their issue was with him. Her parents didn't like him (are you surprised by this?) and tried to get her to end things with him. It led to a big fight and she ended up cutting ties with them over it. Like I've alluded to, she's not exactly stable herself. She's really cool though once you get to know her.

And because I'm a fair man, there is one genuinely redeeming quality he has that I can think of: he really likes cats and actually gets along very well with them. He has one as a pet, and I've never seen him treat it with anything but kindness. He's a horrible, horrible person, but he's still human.

It can be very hard to earn and even keep a cats trust.
 
It can be very hard to earn and even keep a cats trust.
His cat in particular is one of those "puppy cats" who's friendly with everyone and is always wanting to play. Like I said, it's one of the few genuinely redeeming qualities that he has in that he absolutely adores the little guy.
 
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