Title says it all, really, but i’ll get into it anyway because I know how fucked this is and I don’t know how to feel about it. (Getting this out of the way too before the inevitable comments, yes,
I am also in regular weekly therapy where i can work through these feelings more in-depth with a licensed professional that deals with queer issues and people. I just wanted the opinion of my trans sisters on this one.)
Recently (over a week ago now) I quit drinking completely because it was playing a major role in how i hurt people closest to me and that I loved. Doing so has given me the mental clarity needed to reflect on myself and my actions and i just keep finding myself filled with disgust, guilt, and dread.
I had previously believed that i had left my worst actions in my pre-transition self, believing that he was just pumped full of the wrong hormones and taking out his internalized misogyny on those around him. To put it bluntly,
he was a major incel. But around two years now into my transition and trying to be a "better person", I realize that the only thing that's really changed about me is my name, hormones, pronouns, and appearance. I'm still the same hurtful person I had been trying to run from this whole time.
I never transitioned to try and get away from it, I never thought that transition would absolve myself of any accountability that needed to be held on my part. I don’t think that all you need to do is just transition and suddenly you’re a good person. I did believe that transition would make being a better person easier though, now that i was finding myself out and didn’t have to hide, i would no longer project that hurt and pain i hid for so long onto people. I believed
that i had been growing into a kind, loving, caring woman; the woman i always wanted to be. But because of much-needed introspection after life became too much to ignore, i realized that I’m not. I’m still that person, and i was just shielding them behind the identity i wanted, not what I was actively becoming. Hiding them behind the pretense of “pre” and “post” transition states.
I’m putting in the real, honest work needed to be better, to hold myself fully accountable, and take responsibility for my life and the person i am. and i’m confident in my ability to do so. I know i can and will be better
But I still feel like a man. Like that incel.
Now, I know that doing shitty things and hurting people is by no means a trait exclusive to men. I also understand that equating being a shitty person to “being a man” is INCREDIBLY terfy and and transphobic, and extremely disrespectful to my wonderful trans-masc brothers, and that’s why i don’t think that my shitty actions make me inherently a man.
But,
cis men are, unfortunately, the biggest perpetrators of making women and femmes feel uncomfortable or hurt and knowing that I’ve hurt people in my life even after coming out makes me feel like less of one. Like I don’t deserve this identity.
I try not to let it get me down, I try to use this feeling as fuel to change and grow as a person. I’m confident in my ability to. But I remember that the trans community is built on love and safety and there are days where I feel like it would be much better off without me
. Like I should just detransition and accept my fate because I feel unworthy of the euphoria this part of me makes me feel.