What do people look for in a partner?

[Lefty's Revenge]

When I was told that men do not like women who worry, or women who have have mental health issues from people I know. These are the same people who told me about the levels, and being too nice is a turn off for men. All these were told to me by both my sisters boyfriend who raped me, the bullies in school, the colleagues, and my step brother who sexually abused me.

Why do people say things like that, don't they know how damaging it is to people? I thought I would let you all know this, and I hope I haven't upset anybody, made anybody uncomfortable, or given you all the wrong impression. If I have I am so very sorry for doing so, that is not a nice person for doing that.

Generally, they say these things because people can be awful. I have an idea as to why those people did what they did but I've decided not to dignify what they did with a thought process. Lets cut to the chase.

I can only say this in response: You sound like an amazing person and more than likely your past trauma is mostly to blame for your current relationship issues. I'm going to lay down a tall order here so forgive me as I don't mean to come across as insensitive.

What happened to you was terrible. Those people took away alot from you in the past. Peace, privacy, happiness, maybe some trust. But for your own sake you must not let them continue to take away from you. Don't let yesterdays devil steal today's joy. We cannot erase the past. But the ultimate revenge for you is to find happiness right now. Your ultimate revenge is to take back that same joy, peace, privacy, and love for your self that they sought to take away. Your ultimate revenge will be to show them, the world, and most importantly yourself that you're stronger than what they said about you, stronger than what they did to you and that they ultimately failed at keeping you down.

In a word: Love yourself and men will be attracted to you. Thats a tall order, but I know you'll do it. Because you won't let those people in your past rob you of your future. You're gonna see yourself for who you really are and love that person. And then a man is gonna come and love you.

I ain't worried about how you're gonna turn out. And you shouldn't either. Because we both know it'll all work out in the end.

I'm off my soapbox. I'm sorry for what happened to you.


God Bless.

 

[Some JERK]

I was wondering if because everyone thinks I'm super sweet and kind, if that would turn a man off?

No.

Why do people say things like that, don't they know how damaging it is to people?

Depends on the person. Some people are genuinely trying to give solid advice but are ignorant of reality. Some people are just assholes.

Also consider this... maybe what you're being told is true of most guys. I don't know... but then think really hard about most people and ask yourself if that's really what you'd be interested in anyway.

The bottom line here is this... be who you are. I know that sounds hackneyed, but it's the truth. If who you are is a nice, sweet, (maybe slightly quirky/neurotic) person, then be that*. There are absolutely people out there who find that attractive, so what you've been told is incorrect. But also, what happens when you put on a facade to someone and they fall for that facade? You can't keep that act up forever. The 'real you' will break through over time, so why try to be with someone who isn't attracted to what you really are?

Again, I know this sounds like hallmark advice... but cliches are cliches for a reason sometimes.


*(unless it causes you unhappiness outside of not having a relationship... then do what you need to do to make yourself happier.)

 

[Marvin]

I was wondering if because everyone thinks I'm super sweet and kind, if that would turn a man off?

Possibly. It'll depend a little bit on local culture, and a lot on personal tastes. Either way, it's probably something you can't change (or can't change very easily), so worrying about it is probably unproductive.

Personally, I can't seem to distinguish the difference between a girlfriend and merely a friend you can fuck. Is there a difference? I don't know. If there is one, I'm not seeing it.

No.

Heh, no offense, but that's absolutely not a correct answer. Some guys might be into passive women sure, but other guys might find it childish or naive. Every time they'd have sex, they'd feel guilty, like they're taking advantage of some childlike girl.

I don't know, I don't think you can really generalize that much about what attracts men worldwide. Or, hell, not even across the US. So much depends on local tastes. Attraction is very physical to men, so the most you can generalize is that men are interested in chests, butts, feet and penises. (And fascinatingly enough, gay men function in exactly the same way, just, they're focusing on the chests, butts, feet and penises associated with men)

When men are thinking about sex, their minds break down to... like spider monkey level of functioning. And they're constantly thinking about sex. A woman is attractive (for a girlfriend position, anyway) first, and foremost, because she's attractive sexually.

Personally, I have two categories of people in my life, "friends" and "people I want to fuck." Sometimes there's overlap, and that'd be ideal, but it doesn't happen often. Heh, really, finding someone in that overlap is my goal.

 

[Some JERK]

Heh, no offense, but that's absolutely not a correct answer. Some guys might be into passive women sure, but other guys might find it childish or naive. Every time they'd have sex, they'd feel guilty, like they're taking advantage of some childlike girl.

None taken. I don't personally equate "nice" or "sweet" with "passive", "naive" or "timid" though. But I guess that comes back to the confidence thing. Some people are nice and sweet because they lack the confidence to be otherwise. Some are that way because they genuinely are positive, considerate people who will also just happen to kill you stone dead if you threaten them or rock your world if they ever get you alone.

But you're right. You can't offhandedly generalize. It really depends on the situation and the person at hand.

 

[Marvin]

None taken. I don't personally equate "nice" or "sweet" with "passive", "naive" or "timid" though. But I guess that comes back to the confidence thing. Some people are nice and sweet because they lack the confidence to be otherwise. Some are that way because they genuinely are positive, considerate people who will also just happen to kill you stone dead if you threaten them or rock your world if they ever get you alone.

But you're right. You can't offhandedly generalize. It really depends on the situation and the person at hand.

Well, to me, genuinely nice people do exist, but that they exist amazes me. They just have great social skills, I guess. Personally, I'm not a dick to people or anything, but still I'm just constantly thinking about how I appear to people. I have no brain power left to worry about going over the limit and being extra nice to people. I'm just doing my best to not seem weird.

Genuinely nice people are like a rare thing to encounter, for me. I'm amazed when I encounter them. Like a black swan. More often than not, when people are extra nice, I usually assume there's a reason or something behind it. I mean, not that that's bad, everybody has their reasons, but the thought is definitely on my mind.

Heh, but of course, that could just be my luck.

 

[KatsuKitty]

Um, I look for male gender, baseline health, and intelligence. Everything else I could kind of negotiate.

 

[Grand Number of Pounds]

What Katsu said, but female gender for me.

 

[silentprincess]

I'm not being nice for the sake of being, it might be confidence, but my mum and my friend has always told me I've got a big heart. Maybe people think this is all fake, but I know it isn't.

 

[silentprincess]

I guess a women worrier is the same? Men don't like women worriers?

 

[Observers]

I guess a women worrier is the same? Men don't like women worriers?

It depends on the man, some will not some will like it, Most will be neutral on it. There are so many bigger deal breakers then a worrier. I cant speak for all men, but for me a women worrier is not a deal breaker.

You do seem to have a very big heart and a lovely personality You just need to give yourself more credit.

Just make sure when you find someone he deserves you. Never settle

 

[Surtur]

It depends on the man, some will not some will like it, Most will be neutral on it. There are so many bigger deal breakers then a worrier. I cant speak for all men, but for me a women worrier is not a deal breaker.

You do seem to have a very big heart and a lovely personality You just need to give yourself more credit.

Just make sure when you find someone he deserves you. Never settle

This. You are way past cool SP.

 

[Holdek]

gay

Sorry, even though I was rusing, this was kind of rude.

 

[exball]

Sorry, even though I was rusing, this was kind of rude.

gay

 

[BT 075]

People want a huge, thick, throbbing IQ. That's what bitches look for in a partner.

 

[silentprincess]

I've been thinking that maybe I have been putting too much pressure on myself, seeing other people have partners and feeling inadequate because it hasn't happened for me. People around me getting engaged and married, and I'm just here in a sense. I keep wondering why it has happened for me, and that I'm 30 and I should be at least engaged, married and having children by now. I feel like my time for this is running away fast, and the deep pressure of needing to do it now because otherwise it will never happen. I don't want to go for the first guy who is nice to me, and end up unhappy and alone with no support. I just want to be happy, and find someone who is right for me.

 

[BatNapalm]

I've been thinking that maybe I have been putting too much pressure on myself, seeing other people have partners and feeling inadequate because it hasn't happened for me. People around me getting engaged and married, and I'm just here in a sense. I keep wondering why it has happened for me, and that I'm 30 and I should be at least engaged, married and having children by now. I feel like my time for this is running away fast, and the deep pressure of needing to do it now because otherwise it will never happen. I don't want to go for the first guy who is nice to me, and end up unhappy and alone with no support. I just want to be happy, and find someone who is right for me.

You get married and have kids because you want to, not because someone tells you that you should or you feel pressured into it. You really have to look at the problems that people who have started families have (i.e. the "what comes next" after you do get married and have kids) and ask yourself if this is really what will make you happy.

 

[BT 075]

I've been thinking that maybe I have been putting too much pressure on myself, seeing other people have partners and feeling inadequate because it hasn't happened for me.

Don't feel inadequate over things you have so little control over. It's a combination of luck, chance, being in the right place at the right time. Feeling inadequate over not finding a partner is like feeling inadequate over not winning the lottery; you may have more control on the whole partner situation, sure, but forcing things is never a good idea.

People around me getting engaged and married, and I'm just here in a sense. I keep wondering why it has happened for me, and that I'm 30 and I should be at least engaged, married and having children by now.

Some people are, some people aren't. There are women who have their first kid at twenty, others don't have one until they're in their late thirties or even early forties. Some people marry yet never have children because they either don't want to, or are somehow unable to. And others live together for decades as boyfriend and girlfriend, never to actually tie the knot and get married. My parents, aunts and uncles all are in long, lasting and stable relationships and have children but none of them are married.

The notion that the perfect picture means: engagement, marriage, children, is kind of old-fashioned. In the year 2014 one can have one or two of these without one of the others. You don't have to be married in order to have kids, and you don't have to have kids as soon as you're married. There is also a growing number of women who seek out a sperm donor or enter the process of adoption to become a single mother and live a full life with a career and a family without any man being in the picture. Because why not? If you have the financial stability and the time for it, there are ways to be found that do not involve marriage or a relationship.

I feel like my time for this is running away fast, and the deep pressure of needing to do it now because otherwise it will never happen. I don't want to go for the first guy who is nice to me, and end up unhappy and alone with no support. I just want to be happy, and find someone who is right for me.

If it's love that you're after, try dating sites. You seem like a very shy person and chatting extensively with someone over the internet without having to meet face-to-face right away can be very comforting. Once you get to know one another better, set up a physical date and see where it takes you. Desperation is never a good compass, so don't throw yourself out there with this stressful now-or-never mentality. That will only get you all riled up and nervous! Just, relax, keep a cool head, stay calm. You seem like an awesome person and I am sure you will find someone who's perfect for you.

Work on your insecurities. Learn to love yourself for who you are. Breathe in. Breathe out. Look in the mirror and tell yourself you are beautiful. And don't walk away from your reflection until you mean it. Then go out there, and have yourself some fun. Good things will come to you. For every woman like you, alone by herself, there's a lonesome guy waiting and vice versa.

Good luck!

 

[silentprincess]

The pressure mostly comes from my parents, especially my mum. She keeps going on about how I should be giving her grandchildren now, and I should be married now too. It's like she thinks I have disappointed her by being depressed, not that she blames me for it. But she keeps telling me about how she envisioned me doing all those things by now, and how I am too picky when it comes to finding men.

 

[BT 075]

The pressure mostly comes from my parents, especially my mum. She keeps going on about how I should be giving her grandchildren now, and I should be married now too.

Parents can be that. Especially if you don't have any siblings that have given her grandchildren already, I can imagine it would be a painful thing for her. Either way, it's your life and not hers and you live it for yourself. It is YOU that should be happy by the decisions you make, first and foremost. You seem like a person who puts the needs of others before your own, but you shouldn't forget your own wishes in all of this.

If you want a partner, love, children, then that's perfectly fine and they are goals you share with many others. And if it is your wish, then that is what you should be doing it for. Not your mother, however fond you may be of her and however close your bond may be. It's your life after all. Not hers.

It's like she thinks I have disappointed her by being depressed, not that she blames me for it.

She probably hates to see her daughter unhappy. I would hate to see my daughter being unhappy, depressed and unfulfilled in life. No parent in their right mind would want their child being miserable. You may be wrongly interpreting her sadness at seeing you down as disappointment, but then again I do not know your mother and the bond you have with her so it's hard to tell.

But she keeps telling me about how she envisioned me doing all those things by now, and how I am too picky when it comes to finding men.

A lot of people are picky, there's no shame in that. Too many broken homes and unhappy marriages are the result of people jumping into the marital ship too hastily. Chances are you are a lot more equipped to make certain life decisions now then you were ten years ago at twenty. Had you made your mum a grandmother a decade ago chances are she would have complained about how much help you would still need from her. Or perhaps about your choice of partner. There's always something to complain about and some people are difficult to please. In the end, your goal should be to please yourself. The rest will come along just fine once you yourself are in a good place.

Determine for yourself what you want to do with your life, and why. Then work towards achieving it. For what it's worth, I believe in you!

 

[silentprincess]

I think my mum wants me to have a baby because my step sister has a child, but she wants me to have one because then it will feel more like her own grandchild. If that makes sense?

Also I've tried internet dating, but the men on there talk about rude things and then ask me to send naked pictures of myself, after sening naked pictures of themselves which makes me very uncomfortable.