What do people look for in a partner?

[Strewth]

I heard from someone a long time ago, that men don't like making love to women who were abused, raped, or are a virgin. They said it was very off putting, and that men don't want a women who is going to have flashbacks of the events, or have to be really careful with the women because of her needs. And that I am going to find it very hard to find someone who is willing to be patient enough to put up with these things, which made me really angry because now it reinforces my belief that I am worthless and dirty.

As someone who was in a two year relationship with a rape survivor I can tell you that it doesn't matter to me. Of course, I can't speak for all men, but I'm sure it wouldn't to anyone who cared about you.

 

[Surtur]

I heard from someone a long time ago, that men don't like making love to women who were abused, raped, or are a virgin. They said it was very off putting, and that men don't want a women who is going to have flashbacks of the events, or have to be really careful with the women because of her needs. And that I am going to find it very hard to find someone who is willing to be patient enough to put up with these things, which made me really angry because now it reinforces my belief that I am worthless and dirty.

You are way cool SP, not worthless at all.

 

[BT 075]

I heard from someone a long time ago, that men don't like making love to women who were abused, raped, or are a virgin. They said it was very off putting, and that men don't want a women who is going to have flashbacks of the events, or have to be really careful with the women because of her needs. And that I am going to find it very hard to find someone who is willing to be patient enough to put up with these things, which made me really angry because now it reinforces my belief that I am worthless and dirty.

I can only speak for myself here, but to me to sleep with a virgin is extremely flattering. It's one of the most precious things you can give your partner in a relationship: your first time. You don't just give it to anyone. Some people do. In fact many. My own first time wasn't all that special, no love involved. It was simply a milestone on a personal level but it was not anywhere near as sweet as it would've been with the person I love most in this world.

If you find a nice man, someone caring and kind, he will not dislike you for being a virgin. He will be flattered, touched, moved by the amount of trust you put into him. Especially with your past as a survivor of abuse. That only makes it more meaningful that you trust him, of all people.

You are not dirty and you are not worthless. You are a kind and a caring person and this community has embraced you and accepted you fully. If we can all grow fond of you, like and accept you, why couldn't there be a man out there for you who accepts, embraces and grows fond of you in the same way? I don't know you too well but from all I've heard of you I am sure you are the type of person who would make a partner very happy to have you.

Don't be so negative of yourself. You're fine. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. You yourself the least of all!

 

[Alec Benson Leary]

Every girl I've ever pursued - successfully or not - was a girl that I knew for a while, and didn't even give much thought to when I first met them. Hell, sometimes it takes months before I start to feel an attraction. So I guess personality is really the biggest motivator for me.

 

[SmugTomato]

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didn't read thread, just saw the title and thought to post this.

 

[Mogambo]

Every girl I've ever pursued - successfully or not - was a girl that I knew for a while, and didn't even give much thought to when I first met them. Hell, sometimes it takes months before I start to feel an attraction. So I guess personality is really the biggest motivator for me.

You know, its funny you say that, but it's true for me too. Only very rarely have I fallen for a girl immediately upon meeting her. Most recently, I've developed feelings for a coworker. I mean, when we first met I thought she was cute (and she is), but it took me time to develop a full on crush. And its rather unfortunate since she's going to be moving to Lancashire.

 

[Niachu]

I go for smarts. Generally I don't look twice at a guy unless he seems intellectually driven.

My biggest crush in high school was this guy who was kinda short, walked with a slouch, had acne and dressed pretty lazily. But he was SUPER smart, outgoing, and had this genuine maturity about him that made him endearing. I've found someone else like that in college. He's smart, outgoing and driven with his pet passion and someone I'd just want to talk to for hours.

Oh and glasses.

 

[silentprincess]

This is not for sensitive people, it goes into a little bit of detail of things that have happened.

Spoiler

The reason I consider myself a virgin, is that when my stepbrother sexually abused me, he did anally, which the police and court said was very unusual and other things. In addition, when my sister’s ex-boyfriend raped me, he tried to force himself inside, but I fought him and then he held me down and started to put his mouth inside me instead. I was told by my therapist, that, that is still considered rape.

If the mods wish to delete this post, I am sorry for being rude and nasty and horrible.

 

[exball]

This is not for sensitive people, it goes into a little bit of detail of things that have happened.

Spoiler

The reason I consider myself a virgin, is that when my stepbrother sexually abused me, he did anally, which the police and court said was very unusual and other things. In addition, when my sister’s ex-boyfriend raped me, he tried to force himself inside, but I fought him and then he held me down and started to put his mouth inside me instead. I was told by my therapist, that, that is still considered rape.

If the mods wish to delete this post, I am sorry for being rude and nasty and horrible.

You're not rude nasty or horrible to anybody.

 

[Pine Tar]

This is not for sensitive people, it goes into a little bit of detail of things that have happened.

Spoiler

The reason I consider myself a virgin, is that when my stepbrother sexually abused me, he did anally, which the police and court said was very unusual and other things. In addition, when my sister’s ex-boyfriend raped me, he tried to force himself inside, but I fought him and then he held me down and started to put his mouth inside me instead. I was told by my therapist, that, that is still considered rape.

If the mods wish to delete this post, I am sorry for being rude and nasty and horrible.

You're fine. Don't worry. Honestly, I think it's very brave of you to tell a forum full of strangers what happened to you.

 

[Have a Pepsi]

I'm just going to take a leap of faith and ask... Would it be attention-whoring or bastardly of me to ask you guys for support, too?

I'm sorry, silentprincess, I'm not trying to take attention away from you, I hope it doesn't seem that way. And I'm not ignoring you by not giving you advice either; I feel like a forever aloner, too, and my advice would be... well... to put it bluntly: god-awful. :/

 

[silentprincess]

I'm just going to take a leap of faith and ask... Would it be attention-whoring or bastardly of me to ask you guys for support, too?

I'm sorry, silentprincess, I'm not trying to take attention away from you, I hope it doesn't seem that way. And I'm not ignoring you by not giving you advice either; I feel like a forever aloner, too, and my advice would be... well... to put it bluntly: god-awful. :/

It's okay, sorry I haven't messaged back.

I would make a thread of your own, and ask. People here are pretty good. I'm sorry I'm not very helpful, I hope you get the help you need.

 

[Lefty's Revenge]

This is not for sensitive people, it goes into a little bit of detail of things that have happened.

Spoiler

The reason I consider myself a virgin, is that when my stepbrother sexually abused me, he did anally, which the police and court said was very unusual and other things. In addition, when my sister’s ex-boyfriend raped me, he tried to force himself inside, but I fought him and then he held me down and started to put his mouth inside me instead. I was told by my therapist, that, that is still considered rape.

If the mods wish to delete this post, I am sorry for being rude and nasty and horrible.

Victim shaming is real. You get abused and somehow you think you're the nasty one.

You're a virgin and thats not a turn off to most men. If a guy cares about you none of those other things will matter really. That not even me trying to make you feel better. If I met a girl who was a really good match and found out while dating she had been abused and/or raped in the past I'm not gonna suddenly dip.

 

[silentprincess]

Do I sound desperate and creepy?

Also let me know if I am tell you all too much information, I don't want to upset people and make the disgusted with me, and if I am I am very very sorry I don't mean to.

 

[BT 075]

Do I sound desperate and creepy?

You don't. If anything, you sound like the type of person who is so shy and has such low and fragile self esteem that at times, you probably even wonder if you deserve to be happy with someone, or happy in general. And you shouldn't because here's the thing... you're a genuinely nice person and you deserve to be happy.

Also let me know if I am tell you all too much information, I don't want to upset people and make the disgusted with me, and if I am I am very very sorry I don't mean to.

You don't upset anyone and no one is disgusted with you. You are a good person, you came here and asked for advice and plenty of equally nice people gave you heaps of good advice across many pages. They wouldn't have done that if you disgusted or annoyed people.

 

[Foulmouth]

Do I sound desperate and creepy?

Also let me know if I am tell you all too much information, I don't want to upset people and make the disgusted with me, and if I am I am very very sorry I don't mean to.

Silentprincess, I think you are the opposite of creepy, Desperate- No, not at all, your just trying to find out where you are in life.
All I can say is you are honestly one of the nicest people I've met here, don't beat yourself up if you are feeling down.

 

[Pine Tar]

You don't need to reassure yourself that you're not desperate or creepy. If you question whether or not you are, that tells me that you have enough self-awareness that you wouldn't allow yourself to be desperate or creepy.

 

[silentprincess]

I've been thinking that maybe I have been coming across as a victim, instead of a normal person. And I'm scared that I am making you feel sorry for me, for what has happened. Like I am attention seeking, and using you guys, and if it does come across like that I am so, so, so, so sorry, I didn't mean to upset you, annoy you, or cause you any trouble.

 

[Niachu]

I've been thinking that maybe I have been coming across as a victim, instead of a normal person. And I'm scared that I am making you feel sorry for me, for what has happened. Like I am attention seeking, and using you guys, and if it does come across like that I am so, so, so, so sorry, I didn't mean to upset you, annoy you, or cause you any trouble.

If this is therapeutic for you don't apologize for it.

 

[Flowers For Sonichu]

I don't have a set criteria, just dealbreakers and bonus points.

dealbreakers:
Right wing nutjob
uses Buzzfeed as their primary source for news and information
rude to service employees
pointing out my various flaws that I am unable to do anything about. I already know I have a funny voice. I already know I'm almost 30 and can't grow a beard. Yes, my hands shake all the time. Yes, I vomit when I'm nervous.
420 unfriendly (I have chronic nausea and struggle with maintaining my weight and medicinal has been more effective and cheaper than any other medication)
Mocks my nerdy pastimes like pen and paper RPGs, historical miniature wargame conventions, and obsessing over baseball.
Alcoholic

bonus points:
job that makes money (I am a non-union teacher. it's not pretty). life goal: marry a hot sueprsc
booty like jello
friendly pets that I can play with when we hang out
a new generation gaming system

side note: I get a lot of messages on okcupid from women with some seriously unresolved "hot teacher" thirst and I'm concerned that when we're gettin freaky they're going to be imagining I'm their 10th grade science teacher. Does this happen to other people based on their profession?