How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

Me•cha•ni•cal said:
Don’t let this stupid ass nigger scramble your brains. He’s amplifying your negative thoughts and assigning negative traits onto you, which I can safely assume is completely without merit.

There are other ways out of this - look for actual reasonable non-abusive people to have in your life. Cut cancers like this motherfucker and his dumb bitch out. Don’t ever let people treat you like this. Life can be better.
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I really appreciate it. I know you don't even know me, and the person I'm talking about has for three years, so I don't know how much credence I should give to anyone, but it helps to hear that right now.
I think the problem was he was my people. We've watched a couple hundred movies together. He was the only person that kept me grounded when I felt like a complete loser.

It's just so infuriating. I feel like I'm losing my mind. He'll insult my entire character with a laugh and a grin, any example I give of a reason I feel the way I do he dismisses as gaslighting and justification and some "oh of course you would say that" "see i know your playbook". Whenever I say someone can have symptoms of something without being something, he talks about it as if I'm a complete match and that everything makes sense now he's been looking this shit up for a fucking week. He obviously has no issue treating or saying whatever about me. I can't move out yet, I have no vehicle to get back and forth to my job. I really just want to die as soon as possible. Dude completely has no fucks given in regards to me.

Part of me would rather just live on the streets. Not having any of this in my life. Maybe he can stop bitching about being broke after buying a bunch of 4ks when he has another 600 dollars to front.

The last thing I told him wasn't even angry. He asked why I'm even going back over everything with him and how if what he's doing affects me so much I can just leave. I just said "I'm not trying to keep this friendship. I just really can't believe the way you've been lately."

I keep expecting there to be some sort of mask pull where he says he just was being stubborn. No, he actually... really is this guy and doesn't care.

I just wonder where I find these people.
I feel like I'm trapped in hell and there's no one around to turn to.
I have no support, no one to keep me centered. I know I should be that person for myself but what a place to be.
 
(((I am NOT a jew))) said:
I really appreciate it. I know you don't even know me, and the person I'm talking about has for three years, so I don't know how much credence I should give to anyone, but it helps to hear that right now.
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(((I am NOT a jew))) said:
He'll insult my entire character with a laugh and a grin, any example I give of a reason I feel the way I do he dismisses as gaslighting and justification and some "oh of course you would say that" "see i know your playbook". Whenever I say someone can have symptoms of something without being something, he talks about it as if I'm a complete match and that everything makes sense now he's been looking this shit up for a fucking week.
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I don’t know you. For all i know everything this guy says about you is true. What Im trying to say is that googling symptoms and assigning disorders to you doesn’t mean shit coming from someone who isn’t licensed, you shouldn’t take it to heart just because he knows you.

He’s not saying this to be helpful, he’s being a total dick to you. There’s no way you can say something like this to someone without the intention of hurting them or breaking them down. He’s obviously making you feel bad about yourself on purpose, and that’s messed up.

(((I am NOT a jew))) said:
He obviously has no issue treating or saying whatever about me. I can't move out yet, I have no vehicle to get back and forth to my job. I really just want to die as soon as possible. Dude completely has no fucks given in regards to me.
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You live with this piece of shit? No wonder you’re so desperate to escape.

(((I am NOT a jew))) said:
I just wonder where I find these people.
I feel like I'm trapped in hell and there's no one around to turn to.

I have no support, no one to keep me centered. I know I should be that person for myself but what a place to be.
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Well where did you meet this nutjob? 3 years ago you didn’t have him in your life, is there a way you can meet someone less retarded in a similar way?

Dealing with this alone is always difficult. Idk what’s available to you locally but church is always a good place to go even if you’re not religious. Just talking to someone can take a load off when you’re feeling like you do. They might be able to point you in the right direction and see what resources are available to you. At least stop by before going to the pawn shop, can’t hurt right?
 
I am doing somewhat better. I was having an existential crisis over changing jobs, but ironically the worse my current job gets, the better I feel about the next one. Without power leveling too hard I think I'm very likely to get the one I'm looking at. It's still going to be hard and I'll finally have to work for a living rather than just pretending to. I'm still terrified that I won't be able to adapt to the standard schedule that normal, non-autistic humans work every day, but I've accepted that I can no longer stay where I am. It doesn't feel like I'm leaving nearly as much behind. Rather, it's been taken from me. I don't like it, but what I feared was not being able to go back if I made the wrong decision. Now there's increasingly nothing to go back to.

Also I'm going to get paid a lot more, so, there's that I guess. Still have no idea what to do with more money. Maybe I can finally buy love.
 
(((I am NOT a jew))) said:
When I asked him for examples like the dude fighting me, he said how just because it was wrong how it happened doesn't mean I shouldn't take ownership and said how me being up in the middle of the night and watching loud films or being in the kitchen at night will set people off (I started wearing headphones the moment I realized it was loud). All the examples he was giving me were things I told him I tried to correct and make up for, where his response was that the problem is I don't seem to care about people enough to not do the thing in the first place.
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I think that's bullshit. People have different levels of understanding situations and others and mistakes are made. It's not making a mistake that's bad, it's if you persist in it after people tell you about it. Everyone makes mistakes in some way or other, it's ridiculous to expect everyone to just act the way you want.
(((I am NOT a jew))) said:
I know my friend is kind of fucked up. He's older than me and doesn't have friends either, he's in an online poly relationship with some woman who seems to have this similar all-or-nothing view of people [...]
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Oof, an online poly relationship is horrifying. How do people end up like that... I get being lonely but damn.
(((I am NOT a jew))) said:
I don't know. It doesn't really matter anymore. I don't want to deal with this. I'm tired of all this in my life.
I went to the pawn shop the other day to look at guns. I almost bought one but it just wasn't that strong enough and the ones that seemed quick were just out of my price range. I asked him for my rent back for next month so I could make arrangements. So now I should have enough by the end of the day.
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Bruh, don't do that. Seriously, no guns when you're like this.
(((I am NOT a jew))) said:
I know posting this here is pathetic. Maybe I am a covert narcissist for posting this. I am probably spiteful. I am probably weak. I am probably pathetic.
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I've talked about narcissism with my therapist at some point. I too have times when I think I must be narcissistic for being so self obsessed, but the therapist said that truly narcissistic people never admit to being narcissistic, so if you're saying this you're most likely not like that.

EDIT: Ah, caught up with the thread but I must leave. Work work.
 
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My grief is almost always delayed. Case in point, Charlie Kirk's murder has been grinding me down like a slow steamroller the past couple weeks.

I thought I hurt as much as I could. It sucked. I was bummed. The revelations, however, are so sickening. So painful. Oh God, why do you let this happen? He was a good man. A truly good man.

I know why it happens, but it's still harrowing.
 
I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM I HATE MY MOM

I know you're supposed to move past child abuse at 20 but it's hard to not still be angry. Whatever. She's gonna die alone in a senior citizen's home one day.
 
@Getmeout Im still not past mine and I’m almost double your age. Been reading a lot of your posts in here and I’m genuinely worried you might do something risky. Man, have you thought about picking up drawing and joining the fun over at the ‘post your art’ thread? Might be good for you. :)
 
Cups2Cups said:
@Getmeout Im still not past mine and I’m almost double your age. Been reading a lot of your posts in here and I’m genuinely worried you might do something risky. Man, have you thought about picking up drawing and joining the fun over at the ‘post your art’ thread? Might be good for you. :)
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I already draw, I personally wouldn't post my art though cause I feel like my art is very recognizable '^^

Oh ya I'm also just not that good of an artist
 
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(((I am NOT a jew))) said:
On one hand, I think he's just abusive and fucked up and his examples are wrong. On the other hand, I have no friends or romantic prospects and have dealt with situations like this where people I've been around completely insult my character and dismiss me after I've shown loyalty to them.
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if there's one thing I've learned over the years is that some people will never see you the same way you see them. its really easy, especially if you're autistic, to construct an idealized version of someone in your head that isn't a total piece of shit and justify to yourself why you put up with them. there's other people out there, this guy sounds like a complete retard, don't do something stupid over this.
 
I finally got fired on Friday. Between this, my personal life collapsing, and the general state of the world and the future of all of these things, I've decided that I'm just going to shoot myself in the head. I may have to rule out trying this at a gun range unfortunately. Regardless the mission remains the same.
 
singlele said:
I finally got fired on Friday. Between this, my personal life collapsing, and the general state of the world and the future of all of these things, I've decided that I'm just going to shoot myself in the head. I may have to rule out trying this at a gun range unfortunately. Regardless the mission remains the same.
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Please don’t.

I want you to go pick up a pack of #2 pencils, a sketchbook. And look up how to draw on YouTube. Please, if nothing else it will give you something to do while you wait for another opportunity.
 
My ass had a dream the other night about me being embarrassed at a social event. It was wasn't much of anything but when I woke up it made me want to try harder to talk to people when my partner tries to include me with his friend groups. Funnily enough later that night that same topic was what made him a bit upset in an unrelated note. Felt like I got a bit of a prophetic dream, talking to people about anything more personal than the weather or work has always been a struggle and a half for me. I see now that not even drinking really helps as even them I'm still too conscious of my lack of trust kek. My partner said something along the lines of its unfair that only he knows how cool I am which was flattering I'll be honest and I guess I know he isn't lying (duh) but it just feels hard to imagine.
 
singlele said:
I finally got fired on Friday. Between this, my personal life collapsing, and the general state of the world and the future of all of these things, I've decided that I'm just going to shoot myself in the head. I may have to rule out trying this at a gun range unfortunately. Regardless the mission remains the same.
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What is with all the suicide recently? And why guns all the time, why so messy? Either way, you can't change the world, but it's never too late for you, dude. I get it feels awful right now, all of that compounded is awful, but we're not oracles. We don't know the future. Only one way to find it out though, and that's to live it.
TotalNematodeDeath said:
My ass had a dream the other night about me being embarrassed at a social event.
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I had a dream about something tonight but I don't remember what it was. I think something was chasing me?
Cups2Cups said:
Neither am I. But it does help me get through the day and ignore the burning bush in the front yard.
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Maybe I'll post my more unrecognizable sketches. Maybe.
Oh ya, on that thing you said about how you also still can't get over it... Man... I don't wanna still be mad but I am. It's hard to forget that you could've had something special as a kid and some selfish child of a lady tore that away just cause she wanted to have "Her turn" in getting to be the mean parent. I get it, her mom was bad, but why was that my problem. Why'd she have to be bad.
 
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