I'll start with the thread tax: feeling absolutely abysmal mate'o's. Fucking mondays are officially the worst days ever for me. I have both therapy and some club activity I partake in, and it devastates me emotionally.
This evening I committed some social faux pas and it's spiking my depression and self loathing in terrible ways. I just feel wrong, everything I ever do feels wrong, even if from an outsider's perspective maybe it's not so, I just can't get over myself. Fucking sucks. I'm in my mid 30s and I don't think I ever felt like I belonged anywhere irl, I don't think I've ever felt like anyone loved me. Not even myself, or rather, especially not myself. Every time I try to be more social I just feel like I'm reminded more that there's something deeply wrong with me on some level and I don't belong and it's probably all in my head.
Sometimes I wish I could kill myself, but not physically, I mean on a soul level. Just completely achieve oblivion like in risk of rain 2. Just vanquish my consciousness into nonexistence and have some other person more deserving of life take over in my stead.
I just got home, made the regrettable decision to have the 5th coffee of the day to calm my nerves, I'm venting like an idiot and soon I'll go to sleep. Fuck my nigger life I guess.
did another 48 hour fast and LOST ZERO WEIGHT fuck my life i am just a worthless nigger
Having my own experience with fasting, I don't think fasting has any such immediate effect on weight when you just do 1 or 2 days. Usually when I do my once a year 5 day fast, I drop about ~4kg after 5 days, but rebound almost ~3kgs after refeeding in a day or two. Most of the immediate weight loss is just emptying out your bowels and water weight if you don't drink enough water, and ofc that all goes back when you start eating again. Not saying you should do longer fasts, I think you should only attempt that once you build up your tolerance to it slowly to make sure you don't have any issues... I mean you shouldn't have any magical expectations from fasting. I think the body adapts amazingly well to consuming low amounts of energy when it lacks food.
She's why I never want kids, I'm sure one day when she was my age she said "I'll do different", and then the rush of getting to be the aggressor for once got to her head.
It's sad to see many people think like this. Idk why but women saying they don't want kids always saddens me to some extent. It's true that not everyone is cut out for parenting I suppose, and in the end everyone makes their own choices, but dunno, I think parenthood is something precious to be experienced in life. Just because your parents made mistakes doesn't mean you'll make the same mistakes too.
One time I was in acting class and we were using these slapsticks to act out a scene, they terrified me cause they sounded like belt whips. In fact, I broke down and cried in a different room cause of the sound. One day it was time for me to use it for a scene, I felt powerful holding it. Like it was "my turn" to fight. I knew that's exactly how my mom felt when she held her first belt over me.
Sorry to hear. That must be painful on many levels.
This has been causing a lot of anger on my part as well. I still see demons on social media cackling and cheering about it, and one post in particular I saw got over 45k likes. I am certain people in this thread can relate to that awful experience of a bunch of devils taunting you with evil - it's awful. And who takes them seriously besides themselves? I need to remind myself to be careful not to cave into my anger, given I've had problems with it my whole life.
I'm not a good Christian myself in any way, but I think such things are more lamentable than they are worthy of being angry about. They are deluded lost souls for acting this way.
Reflecting upon it, I think I too have taken joy at someone's passing before. Even if in my case it was watching some criminal get what was coming to them from the police In the end, a loss of human life should always be a sad thing. When it comes to an unjust tragedy like Charlie Kirk this is obvious, but when it's someone that seems to lawfully deserve it, it's easy to overlook that it is indeed sad that anyone should end up straying from the path to such extent that their life is ended.
Ah, maybe I'm speaking nonsense. I'm in a very melancholic pensive kind of mood.
I think by the end of this overly long post my seething self loathing has subsided. Time to fall in an overly caffeinated sleep. I think I need to take it easy the next few days and limit myself to a single coffee a day.
