Lolcows in Fiction (Books, TV, Movies, etc.)

[Y2K Baby]

Holden Caulfield - Catcher in the Rye (definitely autistic whiny faggo

Phony dectected tbh.

Also, lol, this guy is such a huge fag. If he were real, there'd definitely be a thread on him here.

 

[Darwin Watterson]

The new season of American Horror Story is shaping up to be AHS: Cow. It's only had one episode so far, but our main characters seem to be a lady who spergs out so hard when Trump wins the election that she starts seeing clowns fucking in supermarkets and jerking off into her food, and a guy who sees Trump's victory as an excuse to do whatever the fuck he wants, like pissing into a condom and throwing it at a group of Mexicans.

 

[Darwin Watterson]

From It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, we have Liam and Ryan McPoyle, two inbred horrorcow brothers. They have sexual relations with each other, as well as the rest of their family, and often go out in public wearing only bathrobes.

During their first appearance, they hatch a scheme to get their elementary school gym teacher arrested by lying about being molested by him when they were in school. They rope Charlie into it, claiming that they'll tell the cops it was his idea if he rats them out (technically, it was; Charlie was drunk), and end up forcing Charlie to describe how he was molested in front of his own family. Charlie gets them arrested when he rats them out to the police, and they later get paroled and stab him with a fork.

There's also Matty Mara, aka "Rickety Cricket," whose whole storyline on the show is that the gang causes him to descend into madness and become an extremely severe example of a skitzocow. Though, it was arguably his own fault; in his first appearance he was a well-adjusted priest. However, he voluntarily threw that life away practically the instant he thought he could get some ass from Sweet Dee (whom he used to beta orbit in high school; he ate horseshit because she said she'd kiss him if he did it, then she refused because his breath obviously smelled like shit afterward).

 

[Replicant Sasquatch]

From It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, we have Liam and Ryan McPoyle, two inbred horrorcow brothers. They have sexual relations with each other, as well as the rest of their family, and often go out in public wearing only bathrobes.

During their first appearance, they hatch a scheme to get their elementary school gym teacher arrested by lying about being molested by him when they were in school. They rope Charlie into it, claiming that they'll tell the cops it was his idea if he rats them out (technically, it was; Charlie was drunk), and end up forcing Charlie to describe how he was molested in front of his own family. Charlie gets them arrested when he rats them out to the police, and they later get paroled and stab him with a fork.

There's also Matty Mara, aka "Rickety Cricket," whose whole storyline on the show is that the gang causes him to descend into madness and become an extremely severe example of a skitzocow. Though, it was arguably his own fault; in his first appearance he was a well-adjusted priest. However, he voluntarily threw that life away practically the instant he thought he could get some ass from Sweet Dee (whom he used to beta orbit in high school; he ate horseshit because she said she'd kiss him if he did it, then she refused because his breath obviously smelled like shit afterward).

Everyone on that show is either a schizocow or a horrorcow.

 

[TheMightyMonarch]

Everyone on that show is either a schizocow or a horrorcow.

Ironically, the tranny is probably the only character on the show who isn't a cow in any form and actually seems like a normal and nice person. Dennis's and Dee's biological dad isn't a cow either (although the guy who played him is a pedofork).

But yeah. Literally everyone on that show is a cow in some shape or form.

 

[Pukahontas]

Does Pierre Bezukhov from War & Peace count as a lolcow? I'm more familiar with his characterization from the musical Natasha, Pierre and the Great Comet of 1812 and only just started the book. But from what I've observed

• He's overweight
• Intelligent but lacks social grace
• Feels uncomfortable in high society and social events
• Interrupts conversations only to sperg about Napoleon
• Women only care about him after he inherits his fathers fortune
• His only friends just want to hang with him for the cash and booze
• His wife cucks him for his friend Dolokhov
• Challenges Dolokhov to a duel
• Manages to win said duel by accidentally firing early like an idiot while Dolokhov misses at point blank
• Becomes an alcoholic
• Decides he hates Napoleon because everyone else does and has fantasies of killing him.

 

[DirkBloodStormKing]

Surprised no one's mentioned Joffrey from Game of Thrones yet. He's a major horrorcow. He's an immature spoiled brat who tortures people for his amusement and throws temper tantrums when he doesn't get his way. He's also a massive idiot and causes far more problems as a king than he solves.

I know this is rather late to quote, but Ramsay Bolton from Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire is even more of a horrorcow, and to an extent, House Bolton is pretty much rife with horrorcows.

Basically, Ramsay is pretty much an outright psychopathic monster that flays, tortures, and rapes people for fun. He also has a servant named "Reek" that is also an outright horrorcow, who also enjoys torturing, raping, flaying, and murdering people.

Also once the original "Reek" dies, Ramsay decides to find another "Reek" (and for a while Ramsay decides to pretend to be "Reek"). Basically Ramsay ends up torturing Theon Greyjoy in some of the most horrific ways as to make another "Reek" out of Theon Greyjoy.

Easily one of the most depraved characters in the entire series and by extension, arguably one of the most fucked up and disturbing horrorcows in fiction.

 

[Hummingbird]

I know this is rather late to quote, but Ramsay Bolton from Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire is even more of a horrorcow, and to an extent, House Bolton is pretty much rife with horrorcows.

Basically, Ramsay is pretty much an outright psychopathic monster that flays, tortures, and rapes people for fun. He also has a servant named "Reek" that is also an outright horrorcow, who also enjoys torturing, raping, flaying, and murdering people.

Also once the original "Reek" dies, Ramsay decides to find another "Reek" (and for a while Ramsay decides to pretend to be "Reek"). Basically Ramsay ends up torturing Theon Greyjoy in some of the most horrific ways as to make another "Reek" out of Theon Greyjoy.

Easily one of the most depraved characters in the entire series and by extension, arguably one of the most fucked up and disturbing horrorcows in fiction.

There sure seem to be a number of lolcows and horrorcows in that series.

 

[Inigo]

Not even close. Snape was actually brave, talented, and resourceful. Even his relationship with Lily wasn't like Chris and Megan. Snape loved Lily unconditionally, even after his racism and love of power drove her away. He did everything he could to protect Harry, whom he hated the second he was born and tried to have murdered, just because Lily gave up her life to save Young Scarface. He was mean through and through, and his rough life doesn't excuse that, but the dude was still a hero in spite of being a total bastard.

Now Rincewind on the other hand. . . .

If you think about it, it's kind of creepy how he obsesses over a girl he knew in school throughout his life, to the point where he gets himself killed over her son.

Snape likely died a virgin with rage.

 

[Darwin Watterson]

The Plutonian from the comic Irredeemable is more or less what you'd get if you took Superman's powers and gave them to someone unable to keep the responsibility from going to his head. He's an extremely powerful superhero-turned-supervillain who nonetheless manages to be an extreme horrorcow.

The TL;DR version is that he's a narcissistic, sociopathic manchild whose main reason for becoming a superhero was because he was a massive attention whore who wanted everyone in the world to love him unconditionally. He freaks the fuck out at any form of criticism, and his realization that, even with the admiration he received, it'd never be enough for him is what causes him to snap and murder damn near half the world's population. He's not entirely one-dimensional, and there is plenty of backstory to flesh him out, but the comic still makes it clear exactly how we're supposed to see him. He's essentially what Superboy-Prime would've been if he were written more competently.

From the same comic, we also have Survivor. Previously known as Charybdis, Survivor was part of a Wonder Twins-type duo with his brother Scylla. The way their powers worked was that Scylla had no powers of his own, but was able to sap half of his brother's power and use that. When Scylla is left braindead following an attack by the Plutonian, Survivor regains full use of his powers. This makes him able to go toe-to-toe with Plutonian, but it also causes him to reveal what a fucked up exceptional he'd always secretly been. He wanted his brother's girlfriend for himself, but was too meek to say anything about it. The comic even specifically refers to him as a "beta" at one point. Following his power boost, he starts making creepy advances towards the aforementioned girlfriend, who repeatedly makes it clear that she's not into him. He's also much more interested in bossing people around and being a fame whore than doing actual hero work. He gets compared to Plutonian many times in the comic, and some characters even suggest that he's worse in some ways.

 

[Y2K Baby]

The Plutonian from the comic Irredeemable is more or less what you'd get if you took Superman's powers and gave them to someone unable to keep the responsibility from going to his head. He's an extremely powerful superhero-turned-supervillain who nonetheless manages to be an extreme horrorcow.

The TL;DR version is that he's a narcissistic, sociopathic manchild whose main reason for becoming a superhero was because he was a massive attention whore who wanted everyone in the world to love him unconditionally. He freaks the fuck out at any form of criticism, and his realization that, even with the admiration he received, it'd never be enough for him is what causes him to snap and murder damn near half the world's population. He's not entirely one-dimensional, and there is plenty of backstory to flesh him out, but the comic still makes it clear exactly how we're supposed to see him. He's essentially what Superboy-Prime would've been if he were written more competently.

From the same comic, we also have Survivor. Previously known as Charybdis, Survivor was part of a Wonder Twins-type duo with his brother Scylla. The way their powers worked was that Scylla had no powers of his own, but was able to sap half of his brother's power and use that. When Scylla is left braindead following an attack by the Plutonian, Survivor regains full use of his powers. This makes him able to go toe-to-toe with Plutonian, but it also causes him to reveal what a fucked up exceptional he'd always secretly been. He wanted his brother's girlfriend for himself, but was too meek to say anything about it. The comic even specifically refers to him as a "beta" at one point. Following his power boost, he starts making creepy advances towards the aforementioned girlfriend, who repeatedly makes it clear that she's not into him. He's also much more interested in bossing people around and being a fame whore than doing actual hero work. He gets compared to Plutonian many times in the comic, and some characters even suggest that he's worse in some ways.

Sounds like a gay comic.

 

[Nien Nunb]

The first Team Fortress's Soldier and Scout are a good pair of combo rat kings and horrorcows.

Gay lovers who use their orphanage to either train child soldiers, rape kids, or both.

 

[Darwin Watterson]

Sounds like a gay comic.

That's actually not even the gayest aspect. The Plutonian's arch-nemesis is a guy who singles him out for antagonization because he's gay for him. Towards the end of the series, he even goes full troon by taking over the body of the girl Plutonian's been obsessing over so he can have him to himself. Mind you, this is AFTER he'd already hijacked the body of Plutonian's sidekick, who looks about 15 at the oldest, for the same reason. So yeah, another cow.

 

[Y2K Baby]

That's actually not even the gayest aspect. The Plutonian's arch-nemesis is a guy who singles him out for antagonization because he's gay for him. Towards the end of the series, he even goes full troon by taking over the body of the girl Plutonian's been obsessing over so he can have him to himself. So another cow.

Wow, you must be really gay to read this gay stuff.

 

[Darwin Watterson]

Wow, you must be really gay to read this gay stuff.

"It's not gay if you keep the mask on"
--Spider-Man

 

[Fuck you jewish cunt]

Murdoc Niccals from Gorillaz.

Green pickle lookin’ nigga who gives managed to knock out both of 2d’s eyes, left Noodle on a floating windmill with a crazy person and then proceeded to lie about it, constantly abuses 2d, burned down Kong Studios so he could get a loan to go off to a island made out of garbage, sold faulty weapons to a bunch of sky pirates, kidnapped 2d to force him to work on the third ablum, and took a fucking bath while the rest of his band mates were being attacked by space monsters.

 

[DirkBloodStormKing]

The first Team Fortress's Soldier and Scout are a good pair of combo rat kings and horrorcows.

Gay lovers who use their orphanage to either train child soldiers, rape kids, or both.

Yeah, those two were definitely some kind of fucked up horrorcows. In fact, the TFC Mercenaries were pretty much sadists that enjoyed torturing, raping, burning, and pillaging others for money and because they were sadistic pricks.

Another example that is similar, but not quite the exact same thing is Ser Gregor Clegane (AKA The Mountain that Rides (or as some people like to call him, The Mountain that Rapes)) and his men from Game of Thrones, another gang of total horrorcows (yeah, Game of Thrones is notorious for the amount of horrorcows in that series). Basically, The Mountain is an extremely sadistic psychopath that enjoys raping and murdering women and children as a hobby and commits lots of heinous war crimes in the series. Also, he burns his younger brother, Sandor Clegane (AKA The Hound) on one side of his face just because he played with a toy soldier of The Mountain's.

The Mountain's men are just as horrifying as him, as they also enjoy raping, torturing, and murdering women and children as a hobby.

Also forgot to mention another horrorcow from Game of Thrones that I don't has been mentioned yet: Ser Meryn Trant. Basically he is a member of the King's Guard that follows King Joffrey's orders (Joffrey Baratheon is a massive horrorcow himself but that is another story). And like the other horrorcows mentioned in this post, he is a sadistic prick. However, his horrorcow tendencies are seen when while he is shown being outright violent towards those that he considers an easy target (ie: Sansa), he is extremely cowardly when confronted with opponents who are considered not as easy to attack (ie: Arya).

Not to mention, like Team Fortress Classic Scout and Soldier, he is implied to be a pedophile, and an outright violent one at that (in the show at the very least). Needless to say, Meryn Trant had a satisfying, and karmic death that was long coming to him.

 

[Syaoran Li]

Modius from Vampire: The Masquerade is one. He's the leader of the Vampires in Gary, Indiana and like the city, he is a product of fallen luster. (In case you're wondering, no, he had nothing to do with the city's economic fall.) He is filled with delusions of grandeur that he is still a big shot and everything is fine; though his majorly outdated clothes and rotting mansion (that he hasn't gotten around to fixing) will tell you otherwise.

The adventure, Baptism by Fire, has plenty of defining moments of lolcowism...

• 
  
  Spoiler: Here we go

  [*]Will have his childe (a vampire he created), Allicia, flirt and entertain the male guests and sets up a trick where she will offer to share blood with the man who agrees and he will bust in mid-act, acting like an over-protective father type, believing this will make the man more loyal to Allicia and thus, get closer to controlling them. If she likes you too much, he will go nuts.
  [*]His idea of protecting his place if there's just one strange car outside is to call as many police cars to come in, surround the place and wait all night if they have to. This has more to do with him showing off his power than concern for his own safety.
  [*]The man needs to be flattered or at least humored at all times or he will fly into a rage if the right buttons are pushed. Especially when things don't go his way.
  [*]When his rival, Jugglar, comes with some drunk humans and starts turning the party into a loud bash with modern music (that stuff makes him rant and rave), he forgets about upholding the Masquerade (that Vampires need to be hidden from Mortals) or how this will effect his humanity and demands that the players kill the drunks.
  [*]Claims he's created a new steel factory that will recover Gary's economy when he really hasn't done shit.
  
  [*]Twenty years later, he's still clinging on to his prestige (in the adventure, Dust to Dust) despite him and Jugglar being the only Vampires left in town. (Jugglar also becomes a lolcow at that point.)

It's arguable if Annabelle (Modius' sire) is one at times. The woman tries so hard to impress the rest of her clan in discovering great art that it has usually come short, resulting in others not taking her seriously. Not to mention being a ho in the late 1700s ruined her chance of marrying a rich noble like she hoped as a Mortal. The problem is that hedonism is all she really knows and while she can throw a good party, there are probably others that can do it better.

I think her biggest lolcow moment came in one adventure where some rivals troll her by first tricking her into showing off some modern art that is really part of a train engine, her childes' erotic blood dance is a failure and also tricking her into thinking a upside-down version of a popular piece of classical music was a love song written for her by a secret admirer. Let's say the results are not pretty.

I was about to mention Modius from VTM, actually. It's good to see another fan of the early lore of the game.

To keep things on-topic, I'd like to mention Roger Smith from American Dad. He's basically a loser shut-in with the personality of an apolitical and alcoholic Milo Yiannopolous. The fact that he was sent to Earth as a literal crash dummy is proof that he probably was considered a lolcow on his own home planet as well.

 

[Darwin Watterson]

Many pages back, someone mentioned Coach Z from Homestar Runner as the biggest lolcow on that show. While everyone in that show is probably a cow of some kind, the biggest one apart from Coach Z would definitely be the King of Town.

First of all, it’s implied that he just bought a crown from the costume store and went around asking people to start calling him the king of town. The show is somewhat inconsistent with exactly how much actual power he has, but for the most part, he’s depicted as a wannabe ruler who has zero real influence over the other characters. Nobody in the show really likes him, but he thinks he’s cool regardless (though other times he does acknowledge that he doesn’t have any friends).

The KOT’s main gimmick is that he’s an extreme glutton and will eat almost anything, regardless of whether or not it’s actually a food item. Essentially, he’s the show’s version of Fatman, with a bit of Nick Bate thrown in for good measure (it’s stated in some cartoons that he even eats shit, and it’s implied that the reason he employs the Poopsmith is because he was working up the courage to do so).

 

[Koby_Fish]

I think from classic TV, Major Frank Burns on M*A*S*H definitely qualifies as a supreme lolcow of the careercow variety. Exceptionally triggerable, incompetent, and makes a smug fool out of himself, and can't properly respond to Hawkeye and Trapper John's or BJ Honeycut's weening in any adult manner.