r/polyamory

[Nuthatch]

Has anyone brought up the fact that birth control has an effect on who we are attracted to?

With the increase of birth control usage due to availability, it would be interesting to see how many of these cases are influenced by it in some way. Specifically the times where women bring up the polyamory idea instead of men, since this would be something affecting the libido and mate selection of women.

When it comes to men in the relationship bringing up the idea of polyamory and such, I think that's been touched on a lot already in this thread since reddit is male-dominated and most of the post examples come from them. Although things like narcissism, social ineptitude, weird ingrained ideas of needing to be 'sexually free' to be progressive, are all things that affect both sexes.

 

[melty]

View attachment 306207
http://archive.is/cDPPn

View attachment 306208
http://archive.is/Ya3ti

I like how many of these poly stories have just one guy bankrolling everyone's idiocy. I don't think I've heard of a poly group that had every single member gainfully employed.

 

[Medicated]

I know one of these guys. A girl I was good friends with in all through high school had a boyfriend that pulled that. They'd been together since they were about 12. We were all around 22 when he began bugging her to open the relationship. I couldn't believe it, because she was an absolute drop-dead gorgeous cosplay chick, and he was this chubby Jonah Hill looking fucker that was every bit as weeby as her and had basically hit a once-in-a-lifetime jackpot with her. They were each the only person the other had ever been with. I never knew him all that well but from all I heard they seemed perfect for each other.

Turns out he had his eye on some fat, broody emo girl from his work and wanted to try bringing her into their relationship. Cosplay chick isn't into that. She's not into girls. At all. He's driving her nuts talking about emo girl all the time. Tells her "fine, we'll technically be together, I'll go after emo chick, you can fuck your guy friend if you like."

She sees no point in reasoning with him, so she goes along with it to make him happy. Almost instantly, she's getting railed multiple times a day. He gets shot down by the emo girl, and has absolutely no luck with any others either. Last I knew, he'd trooned out and was living as a barely passable fat blonde in another state.

It's nice when you see that karma still exists.

 

[Big Nasty]

More on the differences between swingers and polys:

My impression is that swingers are a lot more assertive than polys. I remember this long sex weirdo thread I read somewhere, and there were more than a few stories about swingers' meetups turning into fistfights because someone was enjoying themselves a bit too much with someone else's partner. One example was of an incident where a fight broke out because a lady hugged the guy afterwards. Funniest story was about an orgy were everybody was banging their asses off and accidentally destroyed a very expensive drum set.

 

[Nekromantik]

I knew a guy who's wife talked him into being poly because she found out she was bi after years of marriage. I went over to his place to hang out one time and, he introduces me to his wife and her girlfriend. He's all "we're in an open relationship. It's pretty hot having a wife that sleeps with chicks." And other creepy things. I don't think he slept with his wife any more after she came out. As for his wife I only ever saw her twice and she was just as creepy. She would just stand there with her girlfriend and they would stare at us like the ghost twins from the Shining then leave.

Wouldn't you know it a few months after she came out as bi it turns out she's really a lesbian and wants a divorce. He flips out about the divorce sells everything he can and runs off to New Orleans to do some sort of seasonal work. And they had a daughter who I'm sure will grow up to be perfectly functional after all of this.

 

[ICametoLurk]

http://archive.is/6WkGl

I got the deleted post thanks to the power of Google Cache

Hi all, complicated story that I’m looking for some advice on.
tl:dr - looking for advice on how to talk to a teen about her poly relationships to keep her safe without alienating her.
Let me preface this by apologizing in advance if anyone finds any of the questions and/or terms I use offensive. I have barely more than zero knowledge here and I’m trying to learn. I certainly mean no offense and please correct any inappropriate phrasing.
We (me and partner - monogamous) are in the process of bringing a 17yo girl into our home. She’s had a really rough history of homelessness and abuse. She told us that she identifies as lgbtqia and is poly. On the whole, we have no issue with this, but we want to learn how to talk with her to make sure she stays safe. All we truly want for her is to have relationships that are healthy, loving, and supportive. We know she’s in a relationship currently. We don’t know the exact nature of that relationship (we pry a little deeper the more comfortable she gets with us) except that the one person she talks about is much, MUCH older than makes us comfortable. (That’s a whole other issue that we’re trying to navigate.)
First, from our conversations with her, poly may be the only data point that “categorizes” her as lgbtqia. Is poly part of that community? Not quite sure how to ask that question properly, and the answer isn’t all that important to me. I just want to be able to point her in the right direction for resources and community if she needs.
Second, is identifying as poly common at this age, even if it’s just internally?
Most importantly, how do I express my concerns without devaluing her identity? From reading threads in this sub, I’m seeing that a poly lifestyle takes an enormous amount of emotional intelligence/maturity and commitment to principles by all involved. My biggest fear is that she ends up in a situation where she is being exploited, and I’m not sure she’s mature enough to understand what a truly healthy relationship looks like (she’s never really had a healthy relationship with ANYONE in her life).
If she were to tell me that she was gay or trans, I’d never say anything to the effect of “you’re young, let’s wait and see....” But this feels more like a conversation to be had if she told me she was getting married. I want her to focus on herself and have a lot more experiences before getting too deeply entrenched in relationships.
I realize that 17yos get pretty deep into their relationships and also poly relationships can be casual, but I worry that being in a relationship with more than one person might make it harder to recognize when it’s time to move on, especially with people who are, effectively, at a different stage in their life.
Am I completely off-base here? Is there anyone who began as a teen who wants to share their story or perspective? Any other thoughts?

http://archive.is/ubBZX

Post history
http://archive.is/H2Wdk

 

[Big Nasty]

Between the hammer and the anvil....

 

[-bloomurr-]

I think that most of these kinds of people are pathological narcissists. They don't want to feel tied down or not in control. They're incapable of real intimacy and need constant attention. Monogamous partners are manipulated into thinking polyamory is normal. Narcissists think that they're above everyone else and can't be considered an average or common person. Think Alison Rapp.

My ex husband was probably a narcissist. He decided he was into "wife sharing" and begged and begged me to do it. He literally would not shut up about it no matter how uncomfortable I said it made me. Long story short- I divorced him over it. For him, it was about control and "ownership" over me.

 

[ICametoLurk]

http://archive.is/HQVtv

http://archive.is/FsSnL

A doctor telling you that it's not best to sleep around with everyone when you're trying hard to get prego with your Husband's baby is being very uninformed.
http://archive.is/MsMog

More Doctor Tales

http://archive.is/gpeD1

http://archive.is/Miw7x

 

[TiggerNits]

I showed r/polamory to my swinger buddy and he and his wife were apparently reading through it like it was a report on the horrors of the holocaust

I asked if he had seen any issues like this in swinging and he pretty much said "Fuck whoever, just don't pretend to give a fuck about them". But I get old couples being in to that, same sex for 20-40 years has to get tiresome and if people can separate sex from emotional investment it seems like it would be a simple enough situation to keep drama out of if you just found another couple, made sure everyone clicked well enough and kept to yourselves after the sex.

Poly shit on the other hand just seems to be hedonists and sociopaths who refuse to admit to being as much and just like fucking up one another's lives

 

[Nekromantik]

View attachment 306978
http://archive.is/Miw7x

Checking single makes no sense you fucking whore and a half.

From that thread.

Not creepy at all.

 

[melty]

I have some firsthand poly stories since it seems people find them kind of interesting. I happen to know a lot of people in these relationships for some fucking reason, Id probably know more but it's become a personal red flag for me to not want to deal with people who say they are poly especially when they have other red flags which they almost always do.

Spoiler: Poly 1

Poly 1 was a typical dangerhair SJW girl, loves nerdy communities, loves Kimchi Cuddles because it "totally gets her." She and her boyfriend have always been poly and she is always talking about how great it is and all its benefits. She talks a lot about misogyny and male entitlement, but once we were hanging out with a guy I found pretty pompous and condescending and of course once he's out of earshot she tells me she has a huge crush on him, go figure. At some point she decides she is nonbinary and goes by they/them, and starts referring to other people as cis when she's very obviously a cis girl who never expressed any prior gender issues and still doesn't.
The boyfriend occasionally doesn't treat her well, at one point he wants a different primary, he also wants to close the relationship which she doesn't like. I eventually cut off friendship with her because she just seems to constantly cause drama and is always the victim, "never really had female friends", girls are catty and mean to her for no good reason, she starts telling stories I know didn't happen that way, she gossips about everyone blah blah. Eventually they broke up, he says she cheated, she says he was emotionally manipulative.

Spoiler: Poly 2

Poly2 was a guy who was a typical engineering nerd, never had much luck with girls, no serious relationships, etc. He met a girl from 4chan (really) and they hit it off, she's pretty cute. She has this IRC chatroom she runs that's full of beta orbiters, but she's not interested in them.
Things go well for awhile, he graduates and gets a job. She never seems to be employed and is in and out of school for various majors on either her parents or his dime. He rents them a large, very nice apartment because she wants it, even though he doesn't really care, buys all this stuff for her, she treats him pretty poorly and still has the beta orbiters around, his friends are starting to see red flags. He is constantly having problems with her, but sticks with her. They get into a steady routine of her pulling some bullshit, him being miserable, him going to my boyfriend for advice, him ignoring all advice, rinse and repeat.
She eventually decided she wants to open the relationship. He doesn't want to, and asks my bf for his opinion, he tells him it's a terrible idea as usual but he seems to do anything for this chick so he ignores all advice of course and does it anyway.
To their credit he does get to date around too. Eventually, things finally fall apart with the girl. He continues with the poly lifestyle, going to sex clubs, and so on, he eventually meets another girl who is poly and has a husband. They start sleeping together. Apparently her IUD malfunctioned or something, because he suddenly finds out she's pregnant and is keeping it and divorcing her husband who is upset at the whole situation. He finds this out pretty soon before the birth, so his life gets upturned REALLY quickly.
This all sounds dismal but it actually ended decently for him. He found meaning in his son he didn't really have before, as far as I know she's not made any unreasonable demands on him, plus he's not with 4chan girl any more. But it's not a situation I would ever want to see a friend in it and personally find pretty sad.

Spoiler: Poly 3

The third person is mtf transgender, this was about ~7 years ago before trannies and poly were at all trendy so it's unrelated to the current nonsense. She asked for my advice on getting into a poly relationship. She had always been pretty nontraditional with relationships and was pretty hippie, so I figured if it worked for anyone it probably would for her, she didn't have any of the other red flags these various people have and was overall really chill.
A couple of years later, she broke up with 3 different people in the space of about a week, which was emotionally devastating. I don't know how she feels about poly now, but imagine how hard one breakup is and then think about how hard 3 might be.

Spoiler

I know a few other poly people but not very well. One other couple I know I am pretty sure are just swingers, although they're really young for the typical swingers demographic. They're otherwise normal people and seem like they have a fine relationship.

I also know this older hippie triad, a guy and two women, one of them has a kid. They're all vegan and would throw these great parties with really wonderful vegan food (really). They seemed fine and were together for awhile, but last I heard the two women were more interested in each other and I think a divorce was happening.

I also had a coworker in an open relationship who let his wife sleep around with other women which he thought was fine, but it turns out she was cheating on him with dudes anyway, and also was a narcissist, so they divorced.

 

[neverendingmidi]

I have some firsthand poly stories since it seems people find them kind of interesting. I happen to know a lot of people in these relationships for some fucking reason, Id probably know more but it's become a personal red flag for me to not want to deal with people who say they are poly especially when they have other red flags which they almost always do.

Spoiler: Poly 1

Poly 1 was a typical dangerhair SJW girl, loves nerdy communities, loves Kimchi Cuddles because it "totally gets her." She and her boyfriend have always been poly and she is always talking about how great it is and all its benefits. She talks a lot about misogyny and male entitlement, but once we were hanging out with a guy I found pretty pompous and condescending and of course once he's out of earshot she tells me she has a huge crush on him, go figure. At some point she decides she is nonbinary and goes by they/them, and starts referring to other people as cis when she's very obviously a cis girl who never expressed any prior gender issues and still doesn't.
The boyfriend occasionally doesn't treat her well, at one point he wants a different primary, he also wants to close the relationship which she doesn't like. I eventually cut off friendship with her because she just seems to constantly cause drama and is always the victim, "never really had female friends", girls are catty and mean to her for no good reason, she starts telling stories I know didn't happen that way, she gossips about everyone blah blah. Eventually they broke up, he says she cheated, she says he was emotionally manipulative.

Spoiler: Poly 2

Poly2 was a guy who was a typical engineering nerd, never had much luck with girls, no serious relationships, etc. He met a girl from 4chan (really) and they hit it off, she's pretty cute. She has this IRC chatroom she runs that's full of beta orbiters, but she's not interested in them.
Things go well for awhile, he graduates and gets a job. She never seems to be employed and is in and out of school for various majors on either her parents or his dime. He rents them a large, very nice apartment because she wants it, even though he doesn't really care, buys all this stuff for her, she treats him pretty poorly and still has the beta orbiters around, his friends are starting to see red flags. He is constantly having problems with her, but sticks with her. They get into a steady routine of her pulling some bullshit, him being miserable, him going to my boyfriend for advice, him ignoring all advice, rinse and repeat.
She eventually decided she wants to open the relationship. He doesn't want to, and asks my bf for his opinion, he tells him it's a terrible idea as usual but he seems to do anything for this chick so he ignores all advice of course and does it anyway.
To their credit he does get to date around too. Eventually, things finally fall apart with the girl. He continues with the poly lifestyle, going to sex clubs, and so on, he eventually meets another girl who is poly and has a husband. They start sleeping together. Apparently her IUD malfunctioned or something, because he suddenly finds out she's pregnant and is keeping it and divorcing her husband who is upset at the whole situation. He finds this out pretty soon before the birth, so his life gets upturned REALLY quickly.
This all sounds dismal but it actually ended decently for him. He found meaning in his son he didn't really have before, as far as I know she's not made any unreasonable demands on him, plus he's not with 4chan girl any more. But it's not a situation I would ever want to see a friend in it and personally find pretty sad.

Spoiler: Poly 3

The third person is mtf transgender, this was about ~7 years ago before trannies and poly were at all trendy so it's unrelated to the current nonsense. She asked for my advice on getting into a poly relationship. She had always been pretty nontraditional with relationships and was pretty hippie, so I figured if it worked for anyone it probably would for her, she didn't have any of the other red flags these various people have and was overall really chill.
A couple of years later, she broke up with 3 different people in the space of about a week, which was emotionally devastating. I don't know how she feels about poly now, but imagine how hard one breakup is and then think about how hard 3 might be.

Spoiler

I know a few other poly people but not very well. One other couple I know I am pretty sure are just swingers, although they're really young for the typical swingers demographic. They're otherwise normal people and seem like they have a fine relationship.

I also know this older hippie triad, a guy and two women, one of them has a kid. They're all vegan and would throw these great parties with really wonderful vegan food (really). They seemed fine and were together for awhile, but last I heard the two women were more interested in each other and I think a divorce was happening.

I also had a coworker in an open relationship who let his wife sleep around with other women which he thought was fine, but it turns out she was cheating on him with dudes anyway, and also was a narcissist, so they divorced.

Do you live in California? San Fran/Berkley? Or is it just a pheromone you give off that attracts pathetic poly people to you?

 

[melty]

Do you live in California? San Fran/Berkley? Or is it just a pheromone you give off that attracts pathetic poly people to you?

Portland lol

 

[Spelling Bee]

View attachment 306977
View attachment 306978
http://archive.is/Miw7x

Fixed:

 

[ICametoLurk]

Why do people feel the need to tell their family that they are mentally ill degenerate sluts

This goes on and on and on and on...

 

[Rand /pol/]

Not really about r/Polyamory, but have any of you read 'Under The banner Of Heaven' by Jon Krakauer, its about those Fundamentalist Polygamist Mormons, who are there own insane group.

 

[beansntoast]

Old people, mostly.

Really sexual generacy is more of a Where You Live than How Old Are You thing. Living in a small but decent town I can tell you most of them didn't have relationships that didn't last around one year at least, even if it's the first one. They value their 'first time' and even their first kisses, both girls and boys. I imagine in trash big cities teens who just fuck around are much more prominent, but cautious teens do exist and always will be.

dunno man, that one time I visited my cousins in bumfuck rural europe and one of them took me to their village "club" the youth was just as trashy as in the big city I come from, they're just grinding and making out to our equivalent of country instead of techno

edit: obviously not all teens are like that, I agree, but yeah

edit²:

Has anyone brought up the fact that birth control has an effect on who we are attracted to?

With the increase of birth control usage due to availability, it would be interesting to see how many of these cases are influenced by it in some way. Specifically the times where women bring up the polyamory idea instead of men, since this would be something affecting the libido and mate selection of women.

When it comes to men in the relationship bringing up the idea of polyamory and such, I think that's been touched on a lot already in this thread since reddit is male-dominated and most of the post examples come from them. Although things like narcissism, social ineptitude, weird ingrained ideas of needing to be 'sexually free' to be progressive, are all things that affect both sexes.

oh we talked about how hormonal contraception changes mate preference in our classes! women and other females on the pill (or similar) prefer ""beta"" males (god I hate the word but it kinda fits), as in less aggressive types with less testosterone and, well men who are more "related" to the women, as in males whose genetic makeup is more similiar in the MHC genetic section which is linked to the immune system (women not on birth control prefer men with dissimiliar MHC types, for obvious reasons). but hormonal birth control also lowers libido, in some women it completely annihilates it.

so on the one hand hormonal birth control makes women less eager to fuck, especially not fuck around, which would hinder polyamory
but on the other hand it also makes women go more for inbred beta male degenerates, which could make for an interesting link between the two

edit again:
https://kiwifarms.net/attachments/upload_2017-11-2_14-17-2-png.306973/

I'm pretty tired right now and totally misread this:
"our daughter (2) would not meet any additional partners until she's a bit older and only if they're serious, long term partners"
as them already planning to get their two year old into poly in the future

 

[melty]

What is it with the poly/board gaming overlap? Even they've noticed it...

Random

Hey, I think I found someone on this subreddit I like!

Let's experiment with people! everything about this post rubs me the wrong way.

https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/6vreri/im_a_gay_male_does_an_asexual_poly_relationship/

What gets me about this subreddit is people post stuff like this and the commentators are all chill and just give normal advice like this isn't incredibly weird. It's really hard to tell when the comments are going to be tearing the OP a new one, or just going along with it and giving poor advice.

 

[Medicated]

More on the differences between swingers and polys:

My impression is that swingers are a lot more assertive than polys. I remember this long sex weirdo thread I read somewhere, and there were more than a few stories about swingers' meetups turning into fistfights because someone was enjoying themselves a bit too much with someone else's partner. One example was of an incident where a fight broke out because a lady hugged the guy afterwards. Funniest story was about an orgy were everybody was banging their asses off and accidentally destroyed a very expensive drum set.

I've heard those stories. One I heard was that a couple wanted to do 3-somes They invite the girl around and they are all doing their thing, then while the g/f is getting off and the b/f is fucking the other girl, he cums in the girl. And the g/f goes absolutely batshit that he came in her and starts beating the shit out of him.

I've never even really got the idea of the "fuck buddy" or "swingers" thing. If you are fucking other people just because they are a dick or a hole on legs, why aren't you just using a toy? Because that's all you see each other as. Seems like a lot more work and time just for a sex toy on legs.

Plus there's those stories I've heard of "Oh I have this fuck buddy on the side, but they've told me they've actually fallen for me, what do I do?"