Would Chris survive Hurricane Katrina?
This is an important question I think we have all considered at least once.
Here's how I imagine Chris would have survived the natural disaster:
Friday, August 26: Chris gets home from Speedway around 10am with offerings for the hoard and slim jims for Barb. He watches on the Wii news channel that the storm will go north, and then east, missing New Orleans. He crashes into slumber peacefully.
Saturday, August 27: Chris gets conflicting reports on his phone from Lori Lopez about where the hurricane will land. He becomes stressed. All of the roads out of the city are gridlocked so he can't go to the mall. Chris instead heads to the nearby bar and has a Long Island iced tea before coming home around 4-5pm.
Sunday, August 28: Chris sleeps until 9pm, wakes up and tells twitter he wont be able to make any pages for a few more weeks before the power goes out. Chris grabs all the candles and sets up a gay camp with pillows, blankets and couch cushions in the hallway. He tries to keep away from windows in case the wind blows them out and fills the room with shards of glass. The wind gets worse, as though someone was holding it down and recording it's howls.
Monday, August 29: Chris sees about eight people with carts loaded with food, basketball shoes, plasma TVs, and all sorts of electronic gear. Chris realizes that once the stores have been looted, the houses are next, and so he takes one of Bob's old, broken shotguns, unloaded, and lays it across his lap. 13BC has it's dog stolen and it's cat put to sleep by animal control. Chris doesn't risk sleeping for fear he gets raped and murdered.
Tuesday, August 30: Chris without A/C can no longer take the hobo stank and smell of rotten watermelons and opens the windows to let a breeze in and hears babbling about rooftop rescues and some male idiot getting shot in the head. Chris moves his camp to the bathroom and barricades it.
Wednesday, August 31: The storm is over, but the water is rising. Chris hears on the radio app that the city was told to evacuate, but SonChu is too full of water to start. Chris can't climb the roof, so he decides to pack a bag full of q-sands, Fanta and a microwave meal and walk 15 blocks to the Superdome. He quickly realizes the entire Superdome is an island, and has to wade through the worst mud, muck, barbage and bodily fluids that said city had to offer. Chris' taint wound is re-opened by plate glass from a skyscraper and raw sewage enters. He doesn't feel a thing during this wet-wild time.
Chris makes it to the line. While it is only 1 block long, it takes 4 hours in the torturing, hot hot hot sun! There were only two JERKOP national guard at the door. While Chris was the only white guy in the line and had to endure rival gang clashes, his odor came in handy outside and inside the Superdome. A river of urine marked the main transit of traffic for the Dome's interior. Chris immediately slips in cat shit on the way in. Luckily because of
Chris did not need working public utilities anyway, lest some brute male shout him out of the ladies room. Chris spends his first night alone and missing his PS4. This would also be one of the few times he slept somewhere other than 14BC.
Thursday, September 1: MREs are passed out, and in the frenzy, some of the hoodlums sneak into the area with the rescue chopper and steal the confiscated crack. For the rest of the time there are coked-up niggos everywhere. Chris greedily takes the leftover MRE packs scattered around during the melee. Chris thrives in the sump-like environment, looting the bodies of heat-stroke victims and the elderly who had their head caved in by a thug. The taint-wound festers.
Friday September 2: Evacuations begin. Chris makes it through a zigzag of barricades and gets to tha choppa. Chris cuts in, wanting to be the first to get on, then gets punched in the face by another evacuee. Chris is demoted to the short helicopter and has to be airlifted from New Orleans with a suspension harness used on heifers. The girdle of the harness bursts open the neo-taint wound 3.5bc and the bile and acid corrode the bottom of the harness, sending fatty tumbling into the Gulf of Mexico.
So that's my analysis, Chris would not make it, but he'd get almost to safety. What are your thoughts?
I liked all the CWCisms.
