Bigot Brigade Something Awful and Friends - The roller-coaster train-wreck embarrassing downfall of a Web 1.0 giant and its tick offspring like from Cloverfield

[northstar747]

Remember Borky, aka printer goon? He's the guy who carried a printer to a girl's house just so he could get a hug... but didn't because her boyfriend was with her. He later committed suicide.

But my favorite goon story was when GEcafe dildoed his asshole so hard he shed pieces of his colon in the shower. Now, GEcafe was a big boy, he was bigger than Saturday night! He was so big, he made boogie look svelte! Plus he was "bisexual", which in his case meant the only action he could get was giving blowies to dirty old men at the bus station.

Is he that goon who could lean on a soda vending machine?

 

[Legato]

Is he that goon who could lean on a soda vending machine?

No that was zergling minor.

 

[AmpleApricots]

Didn't he kill himself too? Well, I guess better than trooning out,

 

[repentance]

I'm surprised 20k is all he's having to pay out of pocket. Removing a fucking wisdom tooth costs over a grand if you don't have insurance. Surgery is expensive as hell in the US.

He said he has insurance with a $7,000 deductible. I'm not even sure about why he's trying to negotiate anything down unless the insurance company has declined to pay something and/or he's worried about hitting some kind of lifetime limit.

 

[The Great Citracett]

Didn't he kill himself too? Well, I guess better than trooning out,

I'm pretty sure that's what he did. He's definitely dead though. I remember his thread about the crazy guy coming to kick his ass at work not knowing he was like 7 feet tall was pretty good.
https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=1681015

This was him:
http://www.gettysburgtimes.com/obituaries/article_667550f2-e2a5-537a-920b-c1470da5a984.html

 

[Goodbye Horses]

But my favorite goon story was when GEcafe dildoed his asshole so hard he shed pieces of his colon in the shower. Now, GEcafe was a big boy, he was bigger than Saturday night! He was so big, he made boogie look svelte! Plus he was "bisexual", which in his case meant the only action he could get was giving blowies to dirty old men at the bus station.

 

[zap2theextreme]

My favorite goon story is Caro (whacked out goon who thought the FBI/CIA were after him and went to fight in Syria and got captured by Govt. forces)

 

[AmpleApricots]

He played a sniper and also claimed he had medical education so he also played combat medic. There were videos of him in that role out there. He probably killed a few people in both roles. Apparently he ended up being captured by gov. forces then apparently he was seen in a prison camp where he begged people to be killed and goons thought he was dead (because that was the last info for a very long time) but he was freed *somehow* (don't know how, maybe there's more info out there. Maybe US intervention) and returned to the US. You can't make that shit up if you tried.

GEcafe was too gross even for SA back then, now he'd be a mod. It's also funny how all these extremely obese people start looking the same because the body, out of options, just starts storing all that fat in the face making them look like some weird baby-man made out of dough. I've never met one person looking like this who also wasn't a horrible human being.

 

[proteus4994]

Look, if we're going to talk about best goon deaths, nothing even compares to Vile Rat. It's all a competition for second place.

 

[negativlad]

Look, if we're going to talk about best goon deaths, nothing even compares to Vile Rat. It's all a competition for second place.

I’m a bigger fan of pills goon that died from passing out in a hot car like some kind of 4-year-old or dog and his grieving widow showed up on the forums to ask whether she should keep all his pills for herself.

That’s probably not exactly how it went but True & Honest TCC Fans will know what’s up.

 

[Ebonic Tutor]

I’m a bigger fan of pills goon that died from passing out in a hot car like some kind of 4-year-old or dog and his grieving widow showed up on the forums to ask whether she should keep all his pills for herself.

That’s probably not exactly how it went but True & Honest TCC Fans will know what’s up.

I thought that was the immodium up the butt guy? (it breaks down into a opioid if you take it rectally for some reason)

 

[AmpleApricots]

I like that one goon that shoved a cop at a house party and got so freaked out that he left a manifesto on the importance of gender studies or something in that vein and then jumped off a bridge. Wasn't that also the printer goon.

 

[negativlad]

I like that one goon that shoved a cop at a house party and got so freaked out that he left a manifesto on the importance of gender studies or something in that vein and then jumped off a bridge. Wasn't that also the printer goon.

https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3491368

 

[Ghostse]

He said he has insurance with a $7,000 deductible. I'm not even sure about why he's trying to negotiate anything down unless the insurance company has declined to pay something and/or he's worried about hitting some kind of lifetime limit.

There are two monetary amounts on your insurance: Deductible and Out of Pocket Maximum. For non-routine care, insurance doesn't really kick in until you exceed your deductible. After you reach your deductable, there is an Out of Pocket Maximum amount - once you hit that, insurance will pick up the tab for everything*.
My insurance has $2,500 deductible with a $5,000 OOPM. For non-routine hospital visits, my insurance only covers 10% upto my deductible amount. After that, it covers 80% up to the OOPM where its then 100%.

So if I needed to have surgery, I'd pay $2500 for the first $2750 of coverage. After that $2750, I pay 20% of the cost, until I've paid another $2500. Once that happens insurance covers everything.

Given that sizable deductible, I imagine his OOPM is also sky high; 20K is probably his OOPM.


*Over simplification, as depending on how shady your company is, they will often still try to fuck you by saying things weren't necessary (so not covered) or only being willing to pay "standard rate" for procedures and hook you for the rest. (I believe it was Cigna who was notorious for this sort of fuckery.)

 

[Secret Asshole]

SJWs are really selective about who they witch hunt. They have to have value for them to be excused. Lowtax owning an SJW hive helps him a lot.

Didn't help Evillore or whatever when they went after Neogaf. You never know what's going to happen

 

[proteus4994]

I’m a bigger fan of pills goon that died from passing out in a hot car like some kind of 4-year-old or dog and his grieving widow showed up on the forums to ask whether she should keep all his pills for herself.

That’s probably not exactly how it went but True & Honest TCC Fans will know what’s up.

Oh there have been funnier ones but a goon being responsible (well, technically 25% responsible) for the Benghazi thing is pretty amazing. And people say SA hasn't been relevant.

Also it meant people on the news had to report on Goonfleet which was pretty great.

 

[gobbogobb]

I was an evegoon when that went down. Surreal.

Vile Rat was good people. There's a reason "shot blues. Tell Vile Rat" is still a meme to this day.

 

[MrLobe]

That whole thing was fucking bizarre. One day the Libyan shitshow was all over the news, and the next thing you know Lowtax is all "Hey one of the D&D mods was the IT guy in there."

I would have never guessed.

 

[0 0]

Remember Borky, aka printer goon? He's the guy who carried a printer to a girl's house just so he could get a hug... but didn't because her boyfriend was with her. He later committed suicide.

But my favorite goon story was when GEcafe dildoed his asshole so hard he shed pieces of his colon in the shower. Now, GEcafe was a big boy, he was bigger than Saturday night! He was so big, he made boogie look svelte! Plus he was "bisexual", which in his case meant the only action he could get was giving blowies to dirty old men at the bus station.

That reminds me. Also I hate you for reminding me.

I have a friend who has a bunch of SA bodyhorror stories that he used to use to gross people out on forums. He still gets mileage out of it to this very day by using it to spam text-to-speech functions on streams. He sent me the full set not to long ago, coincidentally enough.

Remember: these are all genuine posts that were written by Something Awful users at some point. Actual people wrote this and didn't think they sounded like a self-imposed slasher movie in written form.

Also you shouldn't open this spoiler.

Spoiler: I mean it, this stuff will literally haunt you

Post 1:

I decided it'd be fun to fuck myself earlier this evening/morning. So I greased up Mr Sunshine and went to work. I had fun for 10 minutes and came. Then I was feeling the need to shower, so I did.

This is where things get graphic. Stop here if you don't want to cry.

Shortly after I started my shower, I felt a bit of matter coming out. Not terribly unusual, I just got done pounding my ass. It landed on the floor of the shower. A few moments later I notice it's moving... strangely as it slowly gets washed towards the drain.

Last chance to stop. It's horriffic.
I nudge it with my toe and, to my horror, realize it's one piece. As in, a connected piece, as if it were... tissue. I think it's a bit of the outer layer of the colon. I get it down the drain as quickly as possible and then sit down in the tub. I'd had plenty of ass sex before and not noticed this. Maybe this happened and I simply didn't notice it, or maybe the ass "sheds" like this on its own occasionally, and no one really notices it (or admits they did). My ass didn't hurt at all.

Post 2:

Thats when an idea hit me that I read on these here forums. It was a post about a story, something about a boy inserting candle wax into his penis to obtain heightened orgasms that he learned from his brother in the middle east.

hmm.

well, I had no candle wax or small long objects I could stick in there.. except!
I had a pen innard that I used to clean my ears regularly. See, the way most pens work is, they have a very very small constant suction at the end, which makes it great for getting all that there wax out.

ITS PERFECT!

so I skipped merrily along to my room bare ass nakedand retrieved the item, returned, and proceeded.

I got it into the slot, a little ways into the head, when it was blocked by something.
hmm, Ive already got an earwax filled pen inside my dick, i will not give up so easily!
So I jostled it around a bit, and then discovered by flexing my anti-pissing-my-pants muscle, it opened up the urethra a bit, allowing me to slowly slide it down, until it was a good ways in there.

AND SO IT BEGAN.

it stung a little bit. and it felt like it was kinda scraping hard. I should have taken this as a cue that this was a bad thing, BUT IM A FUCKING DUMBASS WITH NO FUCKING COMMON SENSE WHATSOEVER IN MY DRUG RIDDLED HUSK OF A BRAIN.

So I was really getting into it, remembering various Secret Plot and Super Taboo comics.
I opened up my eyes, and the water flowing down the drain was sort of... pinkish.

ah well, this happens sometimes when im ramming things up my ass, no big deal.

Then I noticed it was getting reddish.

A... fucking... lot... reddish.

I looked down at mny trusty man unit and lo and behold, there was fucking blood GUSHING out.

OH SNAPE I thought, and tore out the pen in a flash.

What followed was a geyser of dick blood the likes of which has never graced the view of my fragile soul.
After the impending burst, there was blood just fucking ZOOMING out of my cock, sending a vast river of blood rushing forth down into the drain.
I just sat and watched.. Watched my penis slowly shrivel. Have you ever put a tiny hole in a water balloon and watched it slowly deflate as the water leaks out?
It was exactly like that.

Once the ragin erection had gasped into nothingness, my penis bent over in the most pitiful half erect, half flaccid state I have EVER seen it in. At this point, the blood had ceased blasting forth into new dimensions and was now flowing out like beer out of a penis shaped tap.

And I sat.
And I stared.

Right at this moment, I was one with the universe. Not a thought crossed my mind in that whole while. I gazed upon the river of red woody elixer as most would gaze diligently upon a masterpiece hanging in a museum.

A few moments passed. At least a few good pints were lost.

Then it stopped.

I picked my penis up and looked it over. The head was now very discolored a pale white. I squeezed it a bit and was greeted by a squirt of blood upon my face.

Taken aback, I let it drop, and sat back, reminiscing upon the marvel I had just beheld.

I laid there quietly a few moments.

Then I decided it would be best to finish up what I started.

As you can see, my sense of any and all logic had all fizzled out by now.

I took about ten minutes to awaken my penis from the dead, and it was raring and willing to go, albeit the funny feeling inside.

So I got to work, and work it, and work it, and BOOM.

Hmm.. wheres the spraAAAYY!!!!!!

You see, the pressure inside had mounted up against what looked to be a big scab or perhaps encrusted blood blocking the way. It sprayed out onto my chest in a heavenly muster of red fragments and white milky goodness, which at the moment reminded me of Santa Claus for some reason.

A trickle of blood came out a bit, but otherwise, everything was okey dokey.

The pen I located later.
You see, with the extremely slow suction, it takes many months for the earwax to make just a little tiny bit down the way.
The pressure of blood rocketing into my shaft was so great, it pushed forth inside in just a few moments halfway what took about 6 months for the wax to progress.

..... and heres a picture for reference. (although the blood has dried out a bit)

I woke up this morning with blood stained shorts,
..... which are pictured here..

and it burned like all living fuck when I pissed.

But... I feel a day older, and a day wiser.

Good day gentlemen.

 

[The Fool]

Also you shouldn't open this spoiler.

Can't really read it since quotes in spoilers can't be expanded and the only way to see is to sift through the page's raw HTML.