What are the Worst Movies of All Time? - The thread for discussing celluloid syphilis

Sexy Times Hitler said:
The Cavern, The Fourth Kind (Both made by the same director!), Meet the Spartans, Gerry and The Amazing Spider-Man 2 spring to mind as movies that were fucking ordeals to sit through.

Rent was another one, and my sister was so apologetic that she said that she would watch whatever I wanted next. (Which is how I introduced her to Crank. :P) I swear if Jonathan Larson was still alive, Rent would not have gotten as much praise as it did.

Split was pretty good, imo.
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At least Meet the Spartans has an actual plot unlike Epic Movie

I would also Like to submit Chicken Park to this thread. I bought a 10 movie pack for 2 dollars hoping for a gem or two and I was immeasurably turned off when I watched this one. It's a crappy low budget, mess of a 'parody' of Jurassic Park that replaces dinosaurs with chicken. It has an Airplane! Style of comedy but it fails in its acting to make anything work.
 
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Commander X said:
Amongst my least favorites that I consider a truly bad movie would be the, at the time, much hyped Dead Poets Society . A frolicking and particularly mincing Robin Williams and a bunch of kids playing dress up who enter into a cult of personality about him, while delivering overwrought "lessons" about how art and creative endeavors lift us up and help us feel free and alive blah blah blah. Which is why it was talked about by the airheaded intelligentsia for about 3 years before they floated around to the next "poignant" over-sentimental movie and completely forgot about it while everyone else secretly rolled their eyes and hated it all along.
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This, though I'd like to add that I think the whole "inspirational teacher" genre is pretty rancid. It's such a ham-fisted vehicle, either for pedantry or feelz porn (or both.) In that spirit, I'd like to nominate Hamlet 2, the movie that taught me that the Tomatometer wasn't reliable. It was advertised as a venomous satire of the "inspirational teacher" genre (Steve Coogan is a loser drama teacher with delusions of grandeur- in reality, he sucks at everything and is the only one who can't see it) until about the 2/3rds mark, where it does a complete 180 and becomes the sort of movie it had been previously parodying. Wimping out that hard in the third act just to pull out cliched happy ending grinds the hell out my gears.
 
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Commander X said:
Amongst my least favorites that I consider a truly bad movie would be the, at the time, much hyped Dead Poets Society . A frolicking and particularly mincing Robin Williams and a bunch of kids playing dress up who enter into a cult of personality about him, while delivering overwrought "lessons" about how art and creative endeavors lift us up and help us feel free and alive blah blah blah. Which is why it was talked about by the airheaded intelligentsia for about 3 years before they floated around to the next "poignant" over-sentimental movie and completely forgot about it while everyone else secretly rolled their eyes and hated it all along.
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I still haven't seen that thing. I just saw Man in the Iron Mask for the first time the other night. Fucking wow. I remember how hyped up it was on release, like it was a great cultural masterpiece. Instead, the acting is stiff as a board, and it looks like an Army of Lovers music video. Some of those sets were so stage-y, I'm amazed it was made later than 1970.
 
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Blue Is the Warmest Colour. It was so hyped up so I decided to give it a chance and I barely got to the end, it was just so boring. Half of the movie was Adele (the main character) having a dumb look on her face which makes her look like a special needs kid, shots of her ass and her family eating spaghetti. Seriously, what's with this movie and spaghetti??? Not to mention the long, dreadful sex scenes. If this movie was about straight people I don't think anybody would care about it. Apparently a movie being boring and having no plot makes it 'deep'.
 
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no ragrets said:
Blue Is the Warmest Colour. It was so hyped up so I decided to give it a chance and I barely got to the end, it was just so boring. Half of the movie was Adele (the main character) having a dumb look on her face which makes her look like a special needs kid, shots of her ass and her family eating spaghetti. Seriously, what's with this movie and spaghetti??? Not to mention the long, dreadful sex scenes. If this movie was about straight people I don't think anybody would care about it. Apparently a movie being boring and having no plot makes it 'deep'.
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The director of this movie is a psychopath deviant. The actresses even stated they would never work with him again.

The original french title of this movie says it's the first chapter, the second hasn't came and never will exactly because the cast refuses to work with this asshole again. I'm still waiting for this fucker be outed as a rapist, he's not a Hollywood guy but still involved in cinema. So yeah, I would like to see him getting #metoo'd.

And the movie is garbage indeed, is the worst porn I've ever watched. Truly unsettling, 3 hour of a creepy old man's favorite fetish.
 
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Capsaicin Addict said:
It's times like this, I really, really miss Roger Ebert. I didn't always agree with him (his argument that video games weren't art was just silly), but damn, he could cut with words in a way some of us only dream about.
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You just know he would be poisoned by political correctness like every other movie critic these days though; especially considering he was already left-leaning to begin with. Mind you, Roger Ebert was pretty good at his job, but like every other human being, he is vulnerable to bias.
This is why I don't trust critics in general, and why people really should take their words with a grain of salt. At the end of the day, they are just people who know films better (debatable) and write better (again, debatable). Most films come down to a matter of opinion.
 
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I'd like to submit The Country Bears (2002). It's a tacky kids movie based on a tacky Disney attraction where literally the only thing of worth is Christopher Walken armpit farting to the tune of William Tell's 1812 Overture:

 
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This isn't out yet, but wow does it look bad. Like Sucker Punch with Barbie dolls. And Nazis. Because of course it has Nazis.

 
I would like to nominate M. Night Shamalalama's instant classic, The Happening.

Mark Wahlberg as a science teacher? Check
A monster movie about a monster that is... nature? Check
Really, really stupid lines?

"Elliot Moore(Mark Wahlberg):
Come on, buddy. Take an interest in science. What could be the reason bees have vanished?

Jake:
[after a long pause]
An act of nature, and we'll never fully understand it.

Elliot Moore:
Nice answer, Jake. He's right. Science will come up with some reason to
put in the books, but in the end it'll be just a theory. I mean, we will
fail to acknowledge that there are forces at work beyond our
understanding. To be a scientist, you must have a respectful awe for the
laws of nature."
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Here's an even better one:
Elliot Moore: All right, be scientific, douchebag. Identify the... rules... design the experiment... careful observation, measurements, that's what I'm trying to do, interpret the experimental pattern, interpret... What if it IS the plants? That group was larger than ours. This thing's been escalating all day. Smaller and smaller populations have been setting this off. They react to human stimulus. Maybe people are setting off the plants?

Alma Moore: What are you saying? That guy was crazy! We have to save them!

Elliot Moore: They're already dead! What if they're targeting us as threats? This part of the field may not have been set off. Something in this field could be releasing the chemical into the air when there's too many of us together. Let's just stay ahead of the wind!
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I remind you... this guy is the science teacher. He proposes they stay ahead of... the wind.

Somehow they manage to shoot it in a way that makes it look like Mark Wahlberg wasn't even filmed at the same time as the rest of the action.
 
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Corbin Dallas Multipass said:
I would like to nominate M. Night Shamalalama's instant classic, The Happening.

Mark Wahlberg as a science teacher? Check
A monster movie about a monster that is... nature? Check
Really, really stupid lines?



Here's an even better one:


I remind you... this guy is the science teacher. He proposes they stay ahead of... the wind.

Somehow they manage to shoot it in a way that makes it look like Mark Wahlberg wasn't even filmed at the same time as the rest of the action.
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I don't think So Bad It's Good movies really count.
 
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I've got weird/bordering on incredibly bad taste in movies, so it takes a lot for me to define a film at truly awful. Worst that comes to mind?
-Recon 2023: The Gauda Prime Conspiracy. What was even happening in this movie? Nothing was related to anything else. I'm not even sure I can articulate what was so bad because it was three different movies combined in the worst way. There was something about aliens stealing dead people's memories or something, but I don't even remember aliens being in the movie?
-Poltrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead. Other Troma movies I've seen are exactly the kind of awfulness I love, but this one was trying too hard. Of course I did watch it with my family, so that's additional awkwardness. :lol: One good thing I will say is that in light of Subway Jared turing out to be a kiddy-diddling jizz stain, it's much funnier watching him shit himself half to death. Ok, maybe funny isn't the right word.

-Monster a Go Go. Like many others have said, this was a stinker of a film that even MST3K's riffing couldn't save.
 
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MerriedxReldnahc said:
I've got weird/bordering on incredibly bad taste in movies, so it takes a lot for me to define a film at truly awful. Worst that comes to mind?
-Recon 2023: The Gauda Prime Conspiracy. What was even happening in this movie? Nothing was related to anything else. I'm not even sure I can articulate what was so bad because it was three different movies combined in the worst way. There was something about aliens stealing dead people's memories or something, but I don't even remember aliens being in the movie?
-Poltrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead. Other Troma movies I've seen are exactly the kind of awfulness I love, but this one was trying too hard. Of course I did watch it with my family, so that's additional awkwardness. :lol: One good thing I will say is that in light of Subway Jared turing out to be a kiddy-diddling jizz stain, it's much funnier watching him shit himself half to death. Ok, maybe funny isn't the right word.

-Monster a Go Go. Like many others have said, this was a stinker of a film that even MST3K's riffing couldn't save.
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There's one hilarious moment in Monster a go go though: that part where it's so obvious someone made a phone noise with their mouth. The MST3K crew initially don't even riff, they just laugh at that shit.
 
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In the category of "This was acclaimed by critics? Really?" comes Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri which plays like an extra-long episode of one of those annoyingly "gritty" British detective shows and then was sloppily re-written to be set in America. The dialogue is so bad and out of place, I felt embarrassed just watching it. It's clear they wanted to be "nuanced", but the effect is just a confusing mess, and you can't help but finish the movie with contempt for the whole enterprise. It was like a UK take on America that confirms what certain UK persons know and think about a United States that exists only in certain UK minds.
 
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Also seen recently out of vague curiosity and it turned out to be worse than I could have expected - The Four Seasons - Alan Alda's 1981 directorial debut (which should sound the warning bells already) is agonizingly dull, focusing on three middle-aged couples who carp and moan like a gang of geriatrics who were never young or even middle-aged in the first place. They go on vacations together and weather the storms of divorce and middle-aged crises together in hopes of salvaging pathetic relationships between horrible people that aren't worth saving. Alan Alda's character is his most toxic Alan Alda Character ever, a nagging, self-righteous, self-appointed arbiter of morality.
 
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