So I'll get right in to it: I've been married for seven years, and in that time we have never been monogamous. I think part of my reticence to try monogamy at all was that:
- we married young (both early early 20s) because we were from different countries and it made things easier
- he was essentially a virgin when we married, but had some strange sexual proclivities (rubber fetishism, collars, buttplugs)
- we are both bisexual
I really think my husband is an awesome guy and I love who he is as a person. We get along and have similar goals. Over time, however, I've had more and more of a feeling of physical revulsion when he tries to touch me. There are a few reasons for this, but I think I've been a bit of a frog in boiling water, and things have finally boiled over.
- when we did have sex more often, he always wanted to have "gear" on: whether it's latex clothing, or a collar. When we have had conversations about taking some of this out of the bedroom occasionally, he initially breaks down and agrees, but then it starts to creep back in: with or without my consent.
- he makes very effeminate sounds during sex and he likes to take a submissive role. I wouldn't mind power playing but the fact that he is always submissive actively turns me off.
- he has had a number of homosexual encounters and this does not turn me on in any way. When he talks about them it turns me off. Before anyone says "oh he's just gay," I'll correct you and say "he's a fetishist": the gender of his sex partner matters a lot less than the gear.
- he never really shows interest in my body: he gets excited and has a high sex drive, but doesn't know how to turn me on. If he does engage in foreplay, it's pretty rote and doesn't really show any knowledge of my anatomy or responses. If he is going down on me, it has to be accompanied by some roleplay about him being submissive, or fetish gear
- he has never said my name, or told me he loved me during sex. To him, sex is something "dirty."
- I find myself recoiling involuntarily if he tries to kiss my neck or spoon me because I am afraid it will lead to him wanting me to have sex. Often having sex with him has meant things like me putting on a rubber glove and stimulating him anally, which doesn't turn me on at all (in fact it actively turns me off). He gets excited about any kind of sex regardless, but clearly he wants these things.
Over the past three years I've also had a boyfriend, who was a longterm friend before we started dating. The sex with the boyfriend is amazing: we really connect emotionally, he engages in a lot of foreplay and puts my pleasure first. He even gets harder and more excited when I tell him I love him. I'm really invested in having and keeping that kind of sexual connection: after three years it just keeps getting better.
Now I have two main problems:
- since I am finally getting the kind of intimate sex I have been desperately craving, I don't have any desire to indulge my husband sexually whatsoever. I find myself recoiling involuntarily if he tries to kiss my neck or spoon me because I am afraid it will lead to him wanting me to have sex. This involuntary response has been growing for a few years and I finally had to tell my husband I no longer want a sexual relationship, and that I might want a divorce.
- right now, my boyfriend wants us to be sexually monogamous and eventually get married because our relationship is the most... comprehensive I would say (we have both the emotional and sexual connection). He doesn't mind that I'm married right now and gets along with my husband very well, but in terms of our "public facing" life where we are not "out" as poly, he wants to be my primary partner. Right now, I'd like to be sexuallymonogamous with him as well.
My question to this sub is this:
I love and care about my husband and I want to support him in getting whatever he wants out of life, but I don't want a sexual relationship with him. Is it worth it to stay together in other ways and encourage him to meet people who share his desires? Do I owe him sex in some way? I feel like I've "done my time" so to speak after years without intimacy as I understand it (although it has been intimacy as he understands it). Does anyone have any experience with managing boundaries and a relationship with someone who has staunch fetishistic desires, when you yourself are quite vanilla?
TL;DR: I'm poly and married. I have been Good, Game, and Giving in doing things that don't turn me on for my fetishist husband, but it's made me feel an almost Pavlovian revulsion. How do I help my husband, but also keep my boyfriend -- who gives me the sex I crave -- happy in the long term.
