he just needs to constantly keep at it. He'll get his big break and Chelsay will notice him eventually (every Jake alley thought after typing up a tweet storm)
Well hold on there, Jakey-boy. You say things can’t get any worse without these conspirators showing up to your mother’s house in person. But literally just a couple of days ago, you claimed that the death threats against you were now very credible, implying that they know where you live and can indeed show up in person.
This fool needs to write his lies down in a notebook or something. He just can’t keep a story straight. Still, I see Becky was too self-absorbed to notice the mistake either.
Well hold on there, Jakey-boy. You say things can’t get any worse without these conspirators showing up to your mother’s house in person. But literally just a couple of days ago, you claimed that the death threats against you were now very credible, implying that they know where you live and can indeed show up in person.
Jake’s snobbery and ingratitude comes to the fore once again. His mother continues to stand by him, letting him continue his NEET existence even while he tells lies about her that should have got him booted out of the house years ago. But of course, she’s not Zoe.
First conceptualized by Jake around 2003, The Massive vs. the masses was described as an asymmetric card game where one player controlled a monster with simple mechanics and the other had an army with potentially card combos, positioning requirements, and resource management. The ambitious hook for the game concept would be compatibility with many expansion packs, so you could go do a Godzilla vs. zombies, mad scientist vs. the army, and so forth. The modular hex grid playing field was designed to let you add on players/possibly expand the game for the expansions that never came. Jake's preplanned expansions were to be a scientist's drilling machine vs. molemen, and a survivalist vs. zombies.
Jake described The Massive vs. the masses as "asymetrical and goofy" in the CON Skype chat.
This is supposed to show all the contents that come in the box. View attachment 555947
A close-up of the pieces. View attachment 555948
The majority of the following comes from Something Awful when they played through two games of it in 2016, once for each side. In addition to the OP there was another person who showed up and had played this before. The artist Jake used is a goon and posted in the thread as well. The OP mentions having asked Jake about a game rule. https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3765571
The objective in the base game is for the army to neutralize Gamorzilla by inflicting 100 HP worth of damage to it and can deploy various units based on their cards, while also protecting civilian assets. Gamorzilla wins by eliminating the civilians and can move around and attack through cards.
Each side has weakpoints that are put into the opposing deck, in the base game the Army can utilize Gamorzilla weakpoint cards and vice versa. "Let’s take this chance to explain the premise of Weak Point cards. You’ll notice the text box is Gamorzilla’s color, and has those nice jagged edges. The idea here is, these are cards which technically belong to your opponent’s set, but are mixed into your deck, so you can exploit their unique personal flaws. If we were mixing and matching multiple games in the MvM line, we’d be fishing these out and passing them around accordingly."
The Massive View attachment 555962
Gamorzilla is a giant amphibious lizard/reptile/turtle thing which can breathe fire. It starts off having just left the sea, with 100 hitpoints, able to move 5 hexes a turn over most terrain except buildings (marked by a 'B'), and attacks through playing a card each turn. Its weaknesses generally relate to its amphibious lizardy nature. It loses when it runs out of hitpoints. Gamorzilla starts with 5 cards, drawing and playing one a turn.
Unless a card says otherwise, Gamorzilla cannot enter an occupied space. Buildings block line of sight but it can see units inside them.
The Atomic Fire Breath's cone is two hexes next to Gamorzilla, then the three hexes in the same direction adjacent to them. You end up with a 3-hex triangle with Gamorzilla at one corner. (You can optionally not play a card, it was said in reference to Gamorzilla's turn but probably is a global rule) You may move before or after playing a card.
The masses player can move and attack with each unit they have during their turn. (Playing a card, moving/attacking with all units, and drawing a card may be done in any order once each turn.) As with Gamorzilla, you draw one card and play one a turn, and your hand size is based on how many civilians are alive, starting at 10.
Civilians: View attachment 555965
They have a move of 1 and a single hitpoint. The Army has one card in hand per living civilian (Starting at ten cards), discarding as they die, and losing when they're all dead. If you lose your civilian(s) on Gamorzilla's turn you discard at the start of your turn before anything else. If you kill any on your turn, you discard in that turn. Civilians do not get an attack. Walk type
The Army: View attachment 555964
These units can move and attack each turn from the moment they are deployed to the moment they are destroyed.
Tanks: Move 3 (Open, Tricky and Rubble), Range 3, Damage 3, Hitpoints 3
Helicopters: Move 2 (anywhere, can move through occupied spaces but not end turn on one), Range 2, Damage 1, Hitpoints 1
Fighter Planes: Move 5 (Must use full move, can only go ahead or the adjacent sides, crashes if no legal move) Range 3, Damage 2 (Only attack straight ahead but can attack mid move, buildings don't block LOS) Hitpoints 1
Infantry: Move 1 (Anywhere except Water) Range 2, Damage 1, Hitpoints 1, Walk type
Scientist and inventions: View attachment 555967
The Scientist (move 1, 1 hitpoint) allows you to play weak point cards: If the scientist is dead, you discard them and draw again. As long as it lives, it can repair the Robot for 5 hit points if adjacent, as can the Lab until it gets reduced to rubble. Weak point cards are shuffled into the opposing deck, and that opponent can draw them as he would his own cards. Gamorzilla has no restrictions on when or how he can play the army weak point cards, beyond the usual 'draw one, play one' restriction. The exact wording of the scientist's special rule is as follows: 'If the scientist is destroyed, you may not play any weak point cards. At any point after the scientist is destroyed, if your hand contains one or more weak point cards you may discard them and draw new cards to replace them'. The Scientist does not get an attack. Walk type
The Robot has 10 hitpoints and can deal 5 damage. It can, like Gamorzilla, move anywhere except buildings: It has a move of 3, going up to a move of 5 if the scientist was alive when it arrived. It has a range of 1, unless it showed up before the Lab gets destroyed, in which case that gets bumped up to 2. "We can place it anywhere in the back row (with the implied exception of the Lab)"
The Death Ray has 10 hitpoints and deals 5 damage to everything in a straight line, and gets extra attacks, one each if the scientist and lab are still around when it shows up. It doesn't move, so needs to be deployed with care. It can only shoot along the 6 sides of the hex it is placed in.
The board: View attachment 555969 View attachment 555968
There are six kinds of space: Water, Tricky, Open, Building, Rubble and Railroad. Rubble hexes occur when the existing terrain gets destroyed.
Railroad hexes are special: To Gamorzilla, they count as Building or Open, but Army ground units can move from non-rubble railroad to railroad at half cost (Civilians/infantry/the scientist can move up to two, tanks up to six). Buildings block line of sight except for fighters. Units cannot share spaces or leave the map.
Buildings don't have hitpoints, nor do any terrain types. Any damage at all which is directed at them or at 'everything in a hex'/"everything in a space" is sufficient to destroy them. When a hex of building is destroyed it becomes a rubble hex
The Barracks are marked by the crossed rifles: Tanks and Infantry spawn here. The Airport is marked by the plane symbol: This is where fighters and helicopters launch. The Lab is the geodesic dome with the Erlenmeyer flask: The Scientist starts here. The small red stars are where civilians start out, the big one is Gamorzilla's entry. You can optionally deploy units from the 9 hexes at the back of the map.
If all hexes of the barracks/airport/etc. become rubble they will be unable to deploy their units from them and they instead deploy from the 9 hexes at the back of the Tokyo side of the map. They also deploy less as more of the building is destroyed, if you play Deploy Armor and three or four barracks spaces are free of rubble, you get three tanks. If two are rubbled, you get two tanks. If three, you get one tank. If all four, your only option is the always-available ones in the back row. "When a space has a rubble token on it, it’s considered a rubble space, instead of building, open, etc. Gamorzilla can freely move through rubble spaces, so first off, we now have an escape plan." Some masses units, like the tank, can "shoot the ground" to create rubble out of a building hex.
The Masses always goes first, and spreading out the civilians is recommended by Jake. Their turn begins with a card draw, bringing them up to 11 cards. They can play one card per turn (unless a card says otherwise), before or after moving units.
The dark grey hexes are buildings. Red is the barracks. "We can’t actually deploy our tanks into these [red barracks] spaces, since tanks can’t ever enter building spaces, so instead, they appear anywhere outside. Every other railroad space (the lines cutting through the board on the diagram) counts as building for our opponent, but for us, they’re their own happy little bonus space type, so they’re fair game for our tanks." View attachment 555985
Jake's play is to use Deploy Armor, then move them forward to attack, one gets a movement bonus from the railroad hexes. View attachment 555987
The Massive's turn starts with a card draw. Jake explains Punt and the Rubble mechanics.
The short version of how this card works is that we pick a space right next to us, and kick whatever is on it off at someone else. The rest of this is just a bunch of restrictions on how exactly we can do this. A lot of it involves those cases where the thing we’re kicking doesn’t die from being kicked, which is so rare you never really have to worry about it. The most important thing here is that “in the same direction” bit. This means we’re using that “straight line attack” concept explained in the back of the basic rules. The short version is, if we’re kicking something directly in front of us, we’re not allowed to angle the kick and hit something off to the side. We also specify that the thing we’re kicking something into has to be “within our line of sight” after we go and take the thing being kicked off the board. This is a rather technical way of getting across the notion that while it’s totally cool to kick something way across the board into another unit, or a building, or any random empty space really, we can’t arc our kick up and nail someone off in the distance hiding behind a building. We can kick a building over onto someone standing behind it though (because we’re first destroying the building, then checking the line of sight for obstructions). The whole line of sight concept basically just boils down to the fact that hiding behind buildings can often keep you safe. All of the Army’s units (with the notable exception of the Death Ray) need to deal with this, but for Gamorzilla, it’s only an issue when it gets specifically mentioned on a card.
Now that we’ve picked apart the two wordiest cards in the game, we shouldn’t be getting slowed down like that anymore. The vast majority are phrased far more simply. In any case, we’re first moving up a bit, and then Punting one screaming little citizen into another, killing both. That’s always fun. Oh, and since this, like most of Gamorzilla’s cards, refers to damaging “everything on” these two spaces, we lay down rubble tokens on them (represented as yellow with black dots here). We’ll get into what’s so great about these really do later on. In this case, they’re pretty much just a nice visual representation of how smashed up the board is getting.
View attachment 555988
The Masses turn starts with discards from the two civilians lost to Punt. 'Take note by the way of how we’re positioning these tanks. While we can enter the building/railroad spaces no problem, Gamorzilla can’t. This sort of positioning cuts off the easiest route to the citizens up by the barracks. Going the long way around still works, but we’re hoping to close off more next turn. We could get closer than this too, but then we’d be letting our opponent have a chance to smash us before moving." Take Cover is played, which prevents the first 5 points of damage to all their Walk types for the next 3 turns. View attachment 555989
The Massive used a Munch card to "destroy adjacent Flesh unit" and bypasses Take Cover's damage reduction. The card does not say it destroys "everything in a space" so it does not create rubble (although the civilian it was used on was already in rubble). View attachment 555990
The masses used a card to deploy the robot and moves in to attack. "We can place it anywhere in the back row (with the implied exception of the Lab, because this is yet another unit that can’t enter building spaces)" View attachment 555991
Jake and one of the SA users who had played this both said it can be tempting for the Massive to focus down army units, but the masses can potentially easily replace them. His move is to go trash the barracks instead with a cone attack, creating Rubble spaces and severely weakening Deploy Armor and other cards. View attachment 555994
The masses plays a nuke, they will have to wait until their next turn to target it, giving the opponent time to move to a beneficial location. "The tank that’s starting its turn in the airport is going to shoot the ground on one of our own building spaces, reducing it to rubble so one of the others can get in position. After firing, this tank is looping around to the left, to help wall off the route to our big citizen wad, and hopefully leave us with at least one living tank after the bomb hits." View attachment 555993
A Leap card is played which lets the Massive choose any Open/Tricky/Building/or Rubble space, destroys everything on it, and moves to it. It can not be used on a space occupied by something with more than 5 HP. View attachment 555997
At the very start of the masses turn they must decide where to target their nuke. A direct hit would do 30 damage and the blast would destroy the airport and 3 civilians. An indirect hit could do 20 damage and only kill one, or it could be dropped in the ocean to "just cut our losses" and not do anything with it, which Jake says is "just stupid." Jake decides to go for a direct hit. View attachment 555998
A weakpoint card is played that reduces Gamorzilla's movement to 3 and makes them choose to either draw a card or play a card, lasting 5 turns. View attachment 555999
The Massive moves around a tank then uses a Flight card, which deals damage in a 2 space line then flies 5 spaces in the opposite direction, destroying a tank and moving towards a civilian. View attachment 556000
The sample game ends with the masses playing a card that lets all Army units attack twice as many times this turn and trying to move units into attack range. Jake said there would be a couple more turns left, and the Massive player was likely to lose unless they have cards that would allow them "a dramatic escape, the destruction of these attackers, or both at the same time." View attachment 556001
11 cards were shown, Jake said that was about 1/3 of the cards in the game, between his sample game and the SA games we have 37 cards, unless I missed some. Each deck comes with multiple copies of some of the cards, as seen in the SA games. I didn't notice anything about how many cards are in each deck. View attachment 556006 View attachment 556007
People have been wanting to retheme Jake's game with the obese neckbearded Jake obviously being the "Massive" vs. something, so let's give it a shot.
Theme/title: Noise Making Thing vs. the Internet seems appropriate, alternatively it could be vs. Reality or something similar.
Board: One concept I had based off how the original board looks would be to have one half be the real world (with locations such as the therapist office, conventions, and Niantic) and the other half would be the Internet, I'm not sure how well that concept would work out. Since Jake never leaves the house and is on the Internet for most of his waking hours the entire map could just be the internet.
Mechanics: I want to add dice rolls, if solely so Jake's actions can have Critical Failure results.
One player plays as Jake aka the Noise Making Thing. Your objective is to try and endure the insanity that is Jake's life in order to become so paranoid and crazy that you become just like the thing Jake abhors, his grandma.
Stress: The Noise Making Thing will gain Stress as the game plays out. If the Noise Making Thing reaches 100 Stress, the game ends and Suicide Prevention Cat will arrive on scene to lick the tears of the Noise Making Thing. These work like hit points.
'Friends': The Noise Making Thing does not care about family, does not have a job nor any inclinations of obtaining one, nor any real loved ones. He even hates his own mother. No, what the Noise Making Thing cares about - is obsessed about - are online 'friends' from Twitter. This is kind of a thematic element for flavor, but could be used as an energy resource, like if you have more than x friends your card can do an extra effect.
Paranoia: The Noise Making Thing once ridiculed his grandmother for her paranoia and craziness, little did he know he would end up just like her only a few years later. The Noise Making Thing's paranoia will build up after certain cards are played, if he reaches x Paranoia he has 'won' the game. Could be renamed to Madness or Insanity or similar.
The other side is the Internet, this represents everyone Jake is likely to encounter from danger haired SJWs to the women warning each other about him on "whisper networks." They will be able to ramp up Jake's stress level through cards and by summoning units such as the Rakshasa.
The original game is supposed to have civilians that are the primary objective for the Massive to destroy and the masses to defend. These could be reimagined as DMs he is trying to slide in to or friends he tries to talk to and destroys by getting blocked by, or removed altogether.
Cards: I wasn't able to find how many total cards nor how many of each are in Massive vs. masses. There seems to be at least 20 unique cards for each side, and the decks have multiple copies of some of them. There is also a keyword system used such as Flesh, Mechanical, and Walk. Let's say we need a 40 card deck, and about 20 cards each for the two sides.
Hitpoints of units and the damage dealt by Noise Making Thing needs to be renamed to something appropriate.
Actions: These cards should be the most common type of card and will let players move around, attack, heal, deploy units, etc.
Blocklist; Action; Noise Making Thing loses 1d12 'friends.' For each lost 'friend,' he gains 1 Stress. Place a Blocklist tile onto an Internet space, Noise Making Thing can not move to or move through spaces occupied by a Blocklist.
Mean Streets of Niantic; Action; Deploy 1d4 Paranoid Delusions (Lesbian corrective rapists, Nazis, Gamergaters, and/or straight men who will rape and kill the Noise Making Thing as soon as they see him).
Paranoid Delusions have Move 1, Range 2, Hitpoints 1, and generate 1d4 Stress with their attack.
"Some random bearded fat guy"; Action; Deploy 1d4 Dox. Noise Making Thing gains Stress equal to number of Dox summoned.
Dox: Move 3, Range 3, Hitpoints 3, generates 1d6 Stress and removes 1d6 'friends' with their attack.
Block Evade; Action; Can be used to make a legal move past a Blocklist space, Noise Making Thing must roll 1d20: 1 - Noise Making Thing saw something he wishes he hadn't, gain 3d6 Stress, lose 1d6 'friends,' gain 1 Paranoia. 2-10 - False Alarm! Lose 2d10 Stress. 11-20 They are talking about him! Gain 1d4 Stress and 1 Paranoia.
Googleshng; Action - Internet; Noise Making Thing spews a rambling, vague, incoherent screed. On the start of your next turn, choose a space. Any unit on the targeted space is stunned for 1d4 turns. Units 1 space away are stunned for 1 turn. Units 2 spaces away must roll 1d20, on a result of 10 or lower they are stunned for 1 turn.
Banes: These cards are like the Weak Point cards, they are placed on the playing field and work as either short-term or long-term effects. These should primarily be played by the opponent of the Noise Making Thing.
A Visit From Grandma; Bane; A Visit From Grandma enters the game with three Week counters. At the start of Noise Making Thing's turn, remove one Week counter and gain 1d6 Stress. When the final Week counter is removed, send A Visit From Grandma to the Internet's Archive pile.
Alt Games Rakshasa; Bane; Alt Game Rakshasa enters the game with 6 SOHA! counters. Whenever Noise Making Thing plays a card, remove one SOHA! counter and Noise Making Thing loses 1d6 'friends.' For each 'friend' lost in this manner, he gains 1 Stress. When the last counter is removed, summon the Alt Games Rakshasa.
Alt Games Rakshasa has Move 3, Range 2, Hitpoints 10, and generates 2d4 Stress with her attack.
Whisper Campaign; Bane; At the start of Noise Making Things turn, he gains 1d4 Stress and loses 1d4 'friends.'
Assets: The concept for this card type is to be Noise Making Thing's counterpart to Banes. These cards should represent things like Jake's coolie hat and other "artifacts."
Infinity T-Shirts; Asset; Infinity T-Shirts enters the game with eight counters. Noise Making Thing can tap into the power of the Infinity T-Shirts once per turn and remove a counter. When a counter is removed from Infinity T-Shirts, roll 1d20: 1 - critical failure, Noise Making Thing realizes he is wearing the same 8 shirts since high school, gains 2d20 stress; 2-10 - Lose 1d6 Stress, 11-18 - Lose 2d4 Stress, 19-20 - Lose 1d12 Stress.
and the other half would be the Internet, I'm not sure how well that concept would work out. Since Jake never leaves the house and is on the Internet for most of his waking hours the entire map could just be the internet.
Break it up into several areas: Twitter, that site he posts as Googleshng, the CON logs, and Kiwi Farms.
Bonus goal to add: Get to Chelsea's house. If Jake-player pulls the "Your zoepost 2.0 got Senpai Quinn to notice you!" card, they then roll 3 6 sided dice. The number that comes up is how many turns the Jake-player has to reach Chelsea's house, which will then be placed on the non-internet map by opponent. If "Jake" reaches it in time, he wins. If he fails to get there in the required number of turns, it's game over.
There's lots of potential for side quests/expansions: Get to the con, try not to get kicked out by mommy, crash your cousin's wedding, convince enough idiots to give you $1000 a month, get hired by Paizo...etc.
People have been wanting to retheme Jake's game with the obese neckbearded Jake obviously being the "Massive" vs. something, so let's give it a shot.
Theme/title: Noise Making Thing vs. the Internet seems appropriate, alternatively it could be vs. Reality or something similar.
Board: One concept I had based off how the original board looks would be to have one half be the real world (with locations such as the therapist office, conventions, and Niantic) and the other half would be the Internet, I'm not sure how well that concept would work out. Since Jake never leaves the house and is on the Internet for most of his waking hours the entire map could just be the internet.
Mechanics: I want to add dice rolls, if solely so Jake's actions can have Critical Failure results.
One player plays as Jake aka the Noise Making Thing. Your objective is to try and endure the insanity that is Jake's life in order to become so paranoid and crazy that you become just like the thing Jake abhors, his grandma.
Stress: The Noise Making Thing will gain Stress as the game plays out. If the Noise Making Thing reaches 100 Stress, the game ends and Suicide Prevention Cat will arrive on scene to lick the tears of the Noise Making Thing. These work like hit points.
'Friends': The Noise Making Thing does not care about family, does not have a job nor any inclinations of obtaining one, nor any real loved ones. He even hates his own mother. No, what the Noise Making Thing cares about - is obsessed about - are online 'friends' from Twitter. This is kind of a thematic element for flavor, but could be used as an energy resource, like if you have more than x friends your card can do an extra effect.
Paranoia: The Noise Making Thing once ridiculed his grandmother for her paranoia and craziness, little did he know he would end up just like her only a few years later. The Noise Making Thing's paranoia will build up after certain cards are played, if he reaches x Paranoia he has 'won' the game. Could be renamed to Madness or Insanity or similar.
The other side is the Internet, this represents everyone Jake is likely to encounter from danger haired SJWs to the women warning each other about him on "whisper networks." They will be able to ramp up Jake's stress level through cards and by summoning units such as the Rakshasa.
The original game is supposed to have civilians that are the primary objective for the Massive to destroy and the masses to defend. These could be reimagined as DMs he is trying to slide in to or friends he tries to talk to and destroys by getting blocked by, or removed altogether.
Cards: I wasn't able to find how many total cards nor how many of each are in Massive vs. masses. There seems to be at least 20 unique cards for each side, and the decks have multiple copies of some of them. There is also a keyword system used such as Flesh, Mechanical, and Walk. Let's say we need a 40 card deck, and about 20 cards each for the two sides.
Hitpoints of units and the damage dealt by Noise Making Thing needs to be renamed to something appropriate.
Actions: These cards should be the most common type of card and will let players move around, attack, heal, deploy units, etc.
Blocklist; Action; Noise Making Thing loses 1d12 'friends.' For each lost 'friend,' he gains 1 Stress. Place a Blocklist tile onto an Internet space, Noise Making Thing can not move to or move through spaces occupied by a Blocklist.
Mean Streets of Niantic; Action; Deploy 1d4 Paranoid Delusions (Lesbian corrective rapists, Nazis, Gamergaters, and/or straight men who will rape and kill the Noise Making Thing as soon as they see him).
Paranoid Delusions have Move 1, Range 2, Hitpoints 1, and generate 1d4 Stress with their attack.
"Some random bearded fat guy"; Action; Deploy 1d4 Dox. Noise Making Thing gains Stress equal to number of Dox summoned.
Dox: Move 3, Range 3, Hitpoints 3, generates 1d6 Stress and removes 1d6 'friends' with their attack.
Block Evade; Action; Can be used to make a legal move past a Blocklist space, Noise Making Thing must roll 1d20: 1 - Noise Making Thing saw something he wishes he hadn't, gain 3d6 Stress, lose 1d6 'friends,' gain 1 Paranoia. 2-10 - False Alarm! Lose 2d10 Stress. 11-20 They are talking about him! Gain 1d4 Stress and 1 Paranoia.
Googleshng; Action - Internet; Noise Making Thing spews a rambling, vague, incoherent screed. On the start of your next turn, choose a space. Any unit on the targeted space is stunned for 1d4 turns. Units 1 space away are stunned for 1 turn. Units 2 spaces away must roll 1d20, on a result of 10 or lower they are stunned for 1 turn.
Banes: These cards are like the Weak Point cards, they are placed on the playing field and work as either short-term or long-term effects. These should primarily be played by the opponent of the Noise Making Thing.
A Visit From Grandma; Bane; A Visit From Grandma enters the game with three Week counters. At the start of Noise Making Thing's turn, remove one Week counter and gain 1d6 Stress. When the final Week counter is removed, send A Visit From Grandma to the Internet's Archive pile.
Alt Games Rakshasa; Bane; Alt Game Rakshasa enters the game with 6 SOHA! counters. Whenever Noise Making Thing plays a card, remove one SOHA! counter and Noise Making Thing loses 1d6 'friends.' For each 'friend' lost in this manner, he gains 1 Stress. When the last counter is removed, summon the Alt Games Rakshasa.
Alt Games Rakshasa has Move 3, Range 2, Hitpoints 10, and generates 2d4 Stress with her attack.
Whisper Campaign; Bane; At the start of Noise Making Things turn, he gains 1d4 Stress and loses 1d4 'friends.'
Assets: The concept for this card type is to be Noise Making Thing's counterpart to Banes. These cards should represent things like Jake's coolie hat and other "artifacts."
Infinity T-Shirts; Asset; Infinity T-Shirts enters the game with eight counters. Noise Making Thing can tap into the power of the Infinity T-Shirts once per turn and remove a counter. When a counter is removed from Infinity T-Shirts, roll 1d20: 1 - critical failure, Noise Making Thing realizes he is wearing the same 8 shirts since high school, gains 2d20 stress; 2-10 - Lose 1d6 Stress, 11-18 - Lose 2d4 Stress, 19-20 - Lose 1d12 Stress.
I think it would be funny to specifically state that the Noise-Making Thing is also called Jake Alley, because I’d love to see Jake negotiating his way between “that is me” vs “Kiwi Farms is wrong about my identity” vs not technically denying that he is Jake Alley.
There, that's what we Kiwis should do to give back to the community. We should throw a "sorry your children are failures, you seem nice" banquet for the few moms and dads of cows who seem to have been reasonable people (and often raised other kids who were at least semi-normal).
You might say, "hey, they'd never come to something like that, especially from a group that trashes their kid," but I don't know, when's the last time one of these cows threw a party for anyone? They don't exactly inspire loyalty from friends and family.
The way I do it is call my own parents & tell them I love & appreciate them. They weren't the best parents growing up, but damn if they didn't try. I recommend calling your parents after reading about parents like DaddyofFive, Mama Nails, Barb, etc. for best results.
Jake immediately starts raging about "whisper networks" and how unfair it is that women look after each other and not a single woman has ever "pulled [Jake] aside to give [him] a heads up that any given man [he] might be about to meet or work with (or who [he already knows]) is a dangerous scumbag who [he] should stay the hell away from." Since Jake has been tard raging about "whisper campaigns" and being blocked on Twitter for at least three years, it is safe to say he is a "dangerous scumbag" that women warn each other about. I also like how he mentions browbeating "distraught" women and "pulling out" their story, and whining that actual women do not think Jake is a woman and do not want him in their women-only "whisper network" (this feels similar to the time Jake complained that Rob Marmolejo had not sexually harassed him). "rarest of unicorns" fuck off, Jake.
It's unsurprising that Jake is a huge misogynist, but his use of "whisper campaigns" make it sound like every woman is some gossipy bitch that exists for the sole purpose of cockblocking him. It's so incel-y & grates on my nerves (for some reason today more than usual).
I’m not at all surprised that he’s into that kind of fantasy. He’s a powerless dude whose life is controlled by women - his mother, Zoe, Becky, his grandma. He can’t get into relationships with women, he simultaneously wants and does not want to be a woman and he can’t even get a hooker. The SJW sphere won’t allow him to openly express his incel instincts. So it makes sense that his frustrations with women would bloom into a secret hatred that manifests in violent desires. Freudian as hell.
Ew ew ew. Just when I thought Jake couldn't be even more of a gross incel.
Kinda reminds me of some Law & Order/CSI episode I saw years ago where a guy would pay some random BDSM slave to dress in his domineering wife's jewelry & beat the shit out of her (& ended up eventually strangling her).
EDIT: I imagine a lot of you might be familiar with Agony In Pink, since many an internet veteran knows it to be the worst "erotic" fanfic of all time, but if you haven't read it, don't. Just don't. Trust me. I just re-read it because I hate myself thought, "eh, maybe it isn't as bad as I remember," but it is. Then again, if you've read the Zoosadism logs. . .
The part about "affording clothes" is the nastiest, pettiest bullshit. His mom would probably leap at the chance to take him to Wal-Mart and buy him some new, inexpensive, clean, fitting clothes. But he refuses because he only wants a hot anime 18-year-old lesbian with tits the size of basketballs to personally fit him for a Sailor Moon uniform.
But when it's time to complain about his home life: "Wahhh, I can't have clothes because I'm a prisoner".
What the FUCK is this lying fat fuck doing to get a job? How does this fatass piece of shit pack so many goddamn lies into a single sentence and still have time to be a complete scumbag to his own mom in it, too?
I love it when Jake tries to act like he doesn’t still live with his mother. So apparently he can’t afford to move away from these sketchy people, which raises the question - how can he afford to live with them in the first place? Are they letting him live with them rent- and bill-free? That’s incredibly generous. If they aren’t, and he is paying rent, what’s stopping him moving elsewhere? He’s so clueless about reality.
I love it when Jake tries to act like he doesn’t still live with his mother. So apparently he can’t afford to move away from these sketchy people, which raises the question - how can he afford to live with them in the first place? Are they letting him live with them rent- and bill-free? That’s incredibly generous. If they aren’t, and he is paying rent, what’s stopping him moving elsewhere? He’s so clueless about reality.
