Hi folks. I am a 26year old male, physically attractive but depressed, living out in isolation with my 9-5 job as my only sustenance, although I have my parents to rely upon. I've never had a girlfriend other than the one I had when I was a child that bullied me. My introverted hobbies kept me happy, perhaps too long! I would consider myself well adjusted in manners despite my internal unhappiness, coming across normal in everything except for the realm of intimacy, I hide my feelings because I don't trust people. However I feel so much pain from loneliness, the lack of emotional warmth. I am haunted from as soon as I wake, I can't bear to continue down this same path. The only thing I need in my life is a companion for mutual respect and tenderness, it would give me meaning, a wellspring of happiness.
I decided to try dating maybe 4 months ago. I met a girl from tinder, it went fine to start but when it dawned on me that she wanted to start as FWB it made me uncomfortable because of my lack of experience, this translated into a showing a lack of esteem which rubbed off the wrong way and was ghosted as a result. I've been in bed with two girls before this but didn't have sex even though they wanted it because I didn't see them as romantic options, casual sex is unappealing to me. However I have hurdles to overcome, so I was with them, trying and failing to become sexually normal.
Clearly I needed to have sex to gain the confidence to close dates, and find a woman for a settled LTR. An escort would be less judgmental and make me feel more relaxed IMO than barflies (helping me to overcome my sexual performance anxiety) because after all it's only business, I wouldn't feel as if I had wasted a woman's time because of my inability, she would be compensated financially at least.
I have met two escorts in total, the first one I didn't have intercourse with (anything with), I just talked with her at her incall. I guess I wasn't that attracted to her (her photos were accurate, maybe the nerves?), she found me nice enough, I told her it was my anxiety, paid a discounted price for the session at her insistence, maybe she simply felt sorry for me. I tell you about these prior encounters because it proves I don't just fall in love with the first woman to give a hint of kindness.
Months later, and skip to the present I had moved area for work (still isolated) and I decided to meet another girl, finding her through a adult website, she is 24 only slightly younger than me. She was expensive, moonlighting this as a side job to care for her family and she's pretty in a non-sexual way, almost innocent looking (though she certainly wasn't) When she took off her clothes to reveal her lingerie, I had an out of body experience. She calls herself average, can such delights be on Earth?
I met with her only twice over the course of two consecutive days for a short session each time as I am not wealthy. We got on really well with one another, I didn't embarrass myself, everything was natural and fun. I don't think she even knew I was a virgin. She told me that I was a pleasure to be with in her review of me, telling the other girls to watch out for me for how good I am. She's a very nice person, we laughed and kissed.. the whole time, I don't think she does that with everyone since she said she doesn't like to do kissing on her profile although maybe it's okay with me because my hygiene is good. I still think about how she touched me and I feel blessed on those points we met. I am smitten by her femininity and personality, a country girl with a love of nature. (she initiated the kisses btw)
I kept thinking about her after,, that demure smile is lodged in my mind. However I began to feel deflated as great as it was in the moment, it set in that she was special but that I wasn't, it wasn't genuine, I had paid for this experience, but hadn't counted on the person that was supposed to help me find someone being that someone. I wondered then if she had forgotten me as soon as she had walked out of the door and turned the corner, moving on with her life. I felt worthless, as if the only good I am in this forsaken world is for the content of my bank account.
I found out that she was single maybe a day later because I found her on a dating website site by coincidence. So based from this I felt it would be okay to ask her on a date via text, she told me that I was very sweet and caring but she wasn't looking because of a traumatic event with her ex that happened to her in the past, she says she doesn't use the site anymore. I believe that she used it to brush me aside politely, because she recently moved to the area and registered her intent on the site too soon for such a thing to have occurred, she didn't definitively give me a yes or no... perhaps she thinks i've only said what I said so I could abuse her trust and fuck for free, or that she wants to keep tagging me along potentially for my money and doesn't want to turn out a customer when the business potential exists?
I don't judge her for what she has to do to make a living in this material world, I really like her irregardless of that, I want to see her again for who she is, to be a positive influence in her life and her in mine, someone to be there to care for. I worry though that I have already poisoned the well. I have dirtied what could have been by buying her (i did not know her before meeting her at my front door). I am bulking up and fixing my sleep pattern and skin now as much as possible, I want to give myself all the chance to win her over. I hope to ask her out in a month's time for a walk by the beach or cafe, I don't know, when I asked her out before, she said she did dinner dates as a service she would offer! I'd love to take her out, but to do so as a customer is never going to be real in the sense I want it to be. She told me her real name too ? Maybe because she is new to the game and doesn't know any better about security. I worry she will gradually lose her ability to love because of how many men she will see, the blurring of identities. I worry that the kindness in her heart freezes as people use her, that she will seek further wealth without considering the emotional cost.
TLDR: can an authentic relationship between two people exist after he has paid for her erotic services? Can you give me any advice as to how I can approach her for dating. Alternatively am I a fool? Should I see other prostitutes in order to forget her and smother the love for her in my heart? I don't think that'd help but don't know what else to do...
