Hey now, Dumbo at least had a skill.
Dumbo also had visible ears.
Many talented farmers have already written about it, but here's a write-up of her latest video:
-The usual HEYGUYSHEYGUYS sing-song intro, plus an unsolicited rendition of the I Love You song from Barney and Friends. I see the singing lessons she didn't get are really paying off.
-She's wearing her now-customary huge drag queen glasses, because it's too hot for the coat she pulls up over her chins. Amber-style diarrhoea bun. She's also sporting the unwise sartorial choice of a mostly-white blouse with very high-cut sleeves. Chantal, no.
-"Whenever we were kids" thanks Eric Cooke, try "when"
-Dull unfunny shit about her childhood television experience punctuated with laughter at things that aren't funny
-Today is a "shopping day" and tomorrow is a "full day of eating". Chantal laughs off ideas that her vegetable diet will be boring and basic, since she's going to prepare the veggies in delicious and exciting ways. Okay Chantal
-She talks about how the change is difficult and drastic. Yes, it is, which is why you are making such a song-and-dance of doing it and you'll feel justified when you fail
-Clickbait-derived hogwash about how dairy and meat cause cancer. Like all normies, Chantal doesn't have a biological understanding of what cancer is, and consequently doesn't know that literally everything causes it, because every time a cell reproduces, the risk of it failing to do so properly gets slightly higher. Some things increase the chances, but nothing decreases them. Just being alive is carcingenous. Anyway, even if meat and dairy are carcinogenic, they have significantly better health outlooks than being FOUR HUNDRED POUNDS
-The standard pie-in-the-sky fantasy talk about her amazing new diet and inevitable massive weight loss
-5 minutes have elapsed and she's still tautologising about her stupid new diet and the shopping involved
-Make that 6 minutes
-She's an expert on pancreatic function because she skimmed a clickbait article about fructose
-7 minutes and we're still talking about shopping for her diet
-"Won't be eating out for a while" you never do, Chantal; you get takeaway and eat it in your car
-Sorry Arby's, Chantal's new binge food is delicious DATES!
- After EIGHT MINUTES AND TWELVE SECONDS Chantal says "okay so we're going to go shopping today"
-We cut to handheld-camera WaddleVision as she goes into a supermarket. We see absolutely nothing of what she does inside, and we cut back to her fucking car. She's imperiously clutching some dates.
-She reminds us what they're for in case we didn't listen to the previous nine minutes of explanation
-More WaddleVision with laboured breathing as she enters what is apparently an overpriced drinking vessel emporium
-Cut back to Chantal at death's door in her car because she had to walk ten metres. She got a generic steel bottle for forty-five dollars that she could have got for five at a dollar shop.
-We're picking up Peetz. Oh rapture
-Unwarranted spiel about Chantal's family, and Chantal is still totally going to Jamaica guys
-Peetz darkens our doorway with his trademark receding hairline and almost-audible vacuum of testosterone. He looks like Tom Dobson with long hair, which, if you've ever seen Peetz's twitter, is highly appropriate
-Horrendously awkward dialogue about Chantal's subpar hygeiene and their grandiose plans for Peetz to film Chantal shopping
-Peetz reveals his therapist doesn't think he's autistic, which has frankly unfortunate implications for the competence levels in Canadian mental health facilities
-We hear about Chantal's ludicrous new diet guru. The word "spirit" is employed. Peetz is not hospitable to her New Age bunkum.
-More stupid dialogue fucking hell why are we still here just cut ahead fucking god jesus chri
-CUT TO outside Farm Boy, which in Trudeau's Canada has somehow avoided being forced to rebrand to Farm Pers*n.
-Chantal happens upon what seem to be some green voodoo dolls of herself but on closer inspection are mangoes. The Canadian weather is so shit that the mangoes are visibly going from unripe to overripe - half green, half red.
-Despite her keen photographic efforts, Chantal has no idea how to identify ripe fruit, which incidentally is something small children can do
-Chantal picks up a melon and invites an unfortunate geometric comparison:
-Chantal says she needs limes before grabbing a bag of oranges
-Very tedious fruit shopping ensues
-We hear for the sixth time that the fruit isn't ripe yet. I guess you'll have to eat Arby's until it ripens, Chantal
-Chantal inspects avocados and literally throws the ones she doesn't like back onto the pallet
-Chantal bitches that there isn't any fruit she can eat "right now", with a mountain of ripe apples in view behind her
-She picks up a plastic bag of grapes and then puts it inside another plastic bag just to be extra wasteful
-Captain Ahab is also in the fruit section and seems to mistake her for the other white whale
-More unbearably boring fruit acquisition
-Cut to the car, HEE HEE! Peetz is leaning on her and looking like a total sperg. Chantal gets her diet failure excuses in early by bitching for the EIGHTH TIME that the fruit isn't ripe yet.
-Peetz needs to do a few groceries, even though they were just in a supermarket. He also needs Chantal to drive him to a comic book shop. Peetz is in his 30s - and ladies, he's single!
-Chantal says she's serious about this diet, "all jokes aside" - good of her to clear things up amid the raucous laughter and comedic tour-de-force that was 25 minutes of two losers shopping for mangoes
-Sign-off
-FIN-
