2019-04-10 DSP Got Married - Replacing the Gorilla Munch mascot put us on the bad timeline.

[millais]

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It's rather amusing that he admits he is thinking about us on his wedding night.

 

[Cataloons]

Jesus christ, Phil, if it's your fucking wedding night why are you talking to trolls on twitter, you wankpuffin?!

 

[MoonRocker]

I feel like Panda was antagonistic enough to Phil that he couldn't handle her. Not in an abusive way, but just in a sassy way and Phil always looked lost when she gave him shit on stream. I would imagine he really didn't like being sassed on his own stream.

What I got from the Khet and Dave streams were that Khet doesn't seem to be a complete pushover. He said "Khet will be cooking for me..." and the moment he said that she turned her head real quickly and dropped whatever pretense of a smile she had then quickly after that he corrected himself and said "I mean, we will be cooking together and taking care of the house, sharing the chores, etc."

Khet seems like a pouty bitch. And according to SubaruMan, she got real pissy and bitchy if things didn't go her way.

From what I gather of this relationship, she has control and Dave is just getting cucked left and right.

I believe he was so heartbroken from Leanna breaking up with him, he had to fill in the gap. In the few months he was single, he gained weight, looked like shit, and got depressed. He got real comfortable having a "soulmate" live with him that he just had to fill his codependent needs ASAP. And Khet happened to send him a message on Twitter right as he was breaking up with Leanna.

What a bitch.

 

[Marchesa of the Vast]

Poor Kat, she can't even keep his attention on their wedding night.

 

[samovski]

Went to sleep semi-defending him, wake up to see he's gone full retard. What happened to not marrying because of debt?

 

[Nigel of Ukip]

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Wedding night and he's on his phone reading, responding to shitposting.
Kat: You gonna join me in bed?
Phil: Soon, I'm responding to those Kiwis I never follow, ack ack ack.
Kat: Dave, I'm lonely.
Tevin: Sup.

My sides have left the planet and I lack a permit.

 

[SkippyLongbottom]

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Ah Sunday! That gives him plenty of time to think of some bullshit excuse to justify this crap. Imagine being worried about safety for getting fucking married, in a court house.

Oh and of course putting words into Khet's mouth because SHE is the one worried about something silly like safety when she barely has anything to do with your online presence and you legit hardly ever leave your condo.

 

[millais]

He couldn't wait until he was back in Renton to gloat and reveal that he had pulled a fast one over "da detrakturs". On what is supposed to be the happiest day of his life, he's getting more satisfaction over trying to make us mad than he is getting out of his newly wed horse of a wife.

 

[Noob-Noob]

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Calling it now, his excuses on Sunday will be:

1. "THE TAX MONEY WAS NEVER FOR THE WEDDING. I TOLD YOU FUCKING MORONS MULTIPLE TIMES THAT MY PARENTS PAID FOR EVERYTHING CONCERNING THE TRIP"

2. "EVERYTHING WE USED FOR THE WEDDING WAS ALREADY OWNED OR A FAMILY HEIRLOOM AND THIS TRIP ALSO DOUBLED AS OUR HONEYMOON SO OUR WEDDING COST WAS A GRAND TOTAL OF $17.95"

 

[boxybum]

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He is pretty much saying Kat is in on the scam too. Two peas in a pod.

 

[Raven'sChild]

Went to sleep semi-defending him, wake up to see he's gone full exceptional individual. What happened to not marrying because of debt?

...so much debt he has claimed to be in danger of maybe having to sell his home at the end of the year...but, has enough money plan a wedding. Plain gold band? Nope! Small, inexpensive diamond wedding ring? Nope! He buys a kite-set, princess cut Bridal Set.

 

[MoonRocker]

He couldn't wait until he was back in Renton to gloat and reveal that he had pulled a fast one over "da detrakturs". On what is supposed to be the happiest day of his life, he's getting more satisfaction over trying to make us mad than he is getting out of his newly wed horse of a wife.

Yeah, the way I see it, the entirety of the Farms was invited to the wedding and we were the ones for whom the parishes were reserved for.

Picture yourself in Papa and Mama Burnell's home, with Dave sitting on the couch with his phone resting on his fat stomach. He's scrolling through Twitter and the Farms while intermittently telling Khet about the dumb shit detractors are writing about the news of him getting married.

What I just described is Dave's wedding day. Not getting piss drunk with hundreds of friends/ families/ acquaintances, but telling his wife how much shit people are talking online.

That's what she married herself into.

This won't end well. It can't. There has to be a breaking point somewhere and with Khet's history of mental illness, there is a breaking point on the horizon.

 

[ZB 584]

Wow, he sure showed us, guys. Top kek. Will we get an emergencree SoKast with a returning Fred Fuchs analysing Khet's hair and makeup? Anyways congrats to the "happy" couple. Now I eagerly await the "Kat is leaving me and taking half my stuff" saga, a year from now.

 

[samovski]

Got a question for the Americans here, is there a length of time you have to be married for before you're entitled to half in a divorce in his state? Because I'm wracking my brain trying to figure out why she married him. A known cheat marrying a known liar who despite what he says is doing quite well for himself. I know why I think she married him.

Also go to bed Dave, it's your wedding night. Stop gloating and do your duties. Take a night off mate ffs.

 

[Royalty Free Fish Food]

Tinfoil hat time:

Timeline: Halloween
Scenario: Mr. Burnell gets emotional because the trolls ran his girlfriend off the stream and sent her out into the night crying.
Reason this is odd: Mr Burnell's reaction was visibly weird. He wasn't his normal: "Damn you trolls you all suck" type of personality for the first part. He took a while to come into it, as if he was dazed by something. The best part I can think of to point this out is when he went to drink through that straw thing without his beard (Tevin made a comment about how he looked like a small child sipping at it). Maybe his mind was occupied elsewhere?

Timeline: Christmas Begathon
Scenario: For once, Mr. Burnell legitimately looks panicked. He didn't get enough money and he wants it, which is usual, but his 'MUH DEPRESSHUUNNN' nonsense after drinking his "Santa's Butt" was either some good acting or some actual human emotion for once.
Reason this is Odd: Usually Mr. Burnell is angry when he doesn't get money. He could be playing the pity card (he is good at that) but this doesn't play into my :autistic: theory so we're ignoring it.

Timeline: Post-Christmas Sickness
Scenario: Due to 'Extreme Choking' Mr. Burnell takes an entire week off. A whole week off of work for what can only be described as a minor sickness (by normal human standards).
Reason this is Odd: Money-hungry Burnell would usually jump right from one failed begathon to the next in order to capitalize off of maximum pity bux. This time, that did not happen.

Timeline: MUST GO SEE PARENTS IN APRIL
Scenario: Parents are sick and dying (wait no, actually they're fine you mentally ill stalker nudnik) and Phil and Kat MUST go see them in April. It has to be April. April is the month in which is MUST be.
Reason this is Odd: Money-hungry Burnell avoids a chance to tard cum pitybux from autistic fans right up to his tax deadline (an opportunity which he could not possibly miss out on last year.

Speculation:

On Halloween, Kat says something to the effect of "How could you let them treat your future wife that way??" Mr. Burnell is forced to consider a timeline in which his "OMG we're soulmates guiz" propaganda is actually true. He is visibly shook by this revelation.

Around Christmas, Kat tells him she's pregnant. His desperate pity streams and wide-eyed depression are a result of him considering his confirmed old bachelor life coming to an end.

After Christmas, Mr. Burnell takes time off to sit down and talk to Kat about what they're going to do about it. Maybe he wants her to get rid of it (Kat is sleeping on the couch now guys) maybe he just finds it hard to cope with the idea.

Around new Year's, Mr. Burnell tells his parents. They demand to see her, to get to know their future grandchild's mother. Of course they're oldschool so there's no question about it: the two of them MUST get married ASAP. It must be now because by that time it will have been ~24-26 weeks. Much longer and flying will pose a potential risk to the child.

Proof? I have none. Holes? This theory has many. But look into the eyes of this man, truly take a look. Does he look happy? Does he look proud? I think he looks resigned to his fate, knowing that he is now locked into this situation. There are no extra lives, there is no cheese to be had. He is now Darksydedad and his comfortable little life is forever in shambles.

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This, to me, is the smile of the man who is dying of frostbite, of the man who is watching his life's work crumble, the man who is watching the world burn around him. "Oh well, I tried my best. No shame in accepting the inevitable" these eyes seem to say. Godspeed your poor, poor bastard.

I agree with the ideas presented here, but with an additional layer: It's not a Piglet. Also at some point, whenever a divorce happens, not only will she talk him to the cleaners but he will get absolutely railed by child support for a baby that ain't his. He would absolutely sign that birth certificate without any testing, due to her history of being a cheater, because he's an extremely exceptional rube.

 

[MoonRocker]

I agree with the ideas presented here, but with an additional layer: It's not a Piglet. Also at some point, whenever a divorce happens, not only will she talk him to the cleaners but he will get absolutely railed by child support for a baby that ain't his. He would absolutely sign that birth certificate without any testing, due to her history of being a cheater, because he's an extremely exceptional rube.

The only thing that makes me a bit skeptical about the kids theory is that he's stated multiple times before that he doesn't want kids.

But, again, we're talking about DSP here. With this whole marriage scam, nothing he says can ever be taken at face value again.

 

[draculapenis]

Jesus christ, Phil, if it's your fucking wedding night why are you talking to trolls on twitter, you wankpuffin?!

This marriage was more for the detractors than anything else. He sure showed us.
'hold on honey, let me fire off this tweet to my haters real quick'

 

[samovski]

This marriage was more for the detractors than anything else. He sure showed us.
'hold on honey, let me fire off this tweet to my haters real quick'

Biggest question is is she alright with a sham marriage? Or did he lie to her to get her to agree? It's not a good look when your wedding night is spent on Twitter "showing those detractors". I mean, she has more to gain doesn't she? I bet she can't believe her luck.

 

[Raven'sChild]

The only thing that makes me a bit skeptical about the kids theory is that he's stated multiple times before that he doesn't want kids.

But, again, we're talking about DSP here. With this whole marriage scam, nothing he says can ever be taken at face value again.

He might not 'want kids', but what he does or doesn't want has zero influence on these matters. Just ask any number of blokes who's girl got knocked up while both of them were using some form of birth control. It only takes one wily sperm with luck on it's side...

 

[Keanu Reeves]

I have no proof for this, and I fully realize this is the cynic in me talking, but after fake engagement rings, big boy adult house, all that stuff, I'm fully expecting the stream on Sunday to reveal that the marriage has no legal documentation, and is just grown-ups playing pretend, saying they got married while wearing some outfits and exchanging cheap Chinese rings. But who knows, he can't be that pathetic, can he?