Star Wars Griefing Thread (SPOILERS) - Safety off

[DogEatDogFood]

My two cents: is not gonna be that bad. I mean of course is gonna be a mediocre movie with shitty writting but unlike Rian "muh expectations" Johnson, Abrams knows how to do pandering and hide his shitty writting under flashy lights. I hope Ian has decent lines if Palpatine is back and that he doesn't get killed by Rey's stupid God powers. It can't be that hard, J.J: put this clusterfuck to rest and we are done

 

[RomanesEuntDomus]

I refuse to watch this teaser.

Dude watch it, I was roaring with laughter. This is terrible, this is absolute trash and it. is. GLORIOUS.
A few impressions:

Rey literally does the Fonzie and jumps the shark TIE Fighter.

This is so fucking bad. Also, the scene before, where she ignites her Light Sabre and turns around made me go "What the fuck" since it looked that stupid.

Kylo will reforge his mask (and make it look even gayer):

"Let the past die" eh? Way to fucking go, JJ, retconning this is one of the cornerstones of what I want to see. In one fell swoop, the recasting of this helmet invalidates every bit of "Hurr, TLJ is about passing the franchise from the old audience to the new!" fanfiction. I love it! One of the few things that get achieved in TLJ and JJ retcons it.

Pixar-lamp droid sidekick of a sidekick confirmed. How redundant. And the design is even dumber than BB-8's (how does that thing turn?)

(Phlegmatic, dispassionate voice) Oh geez. I wonder where they took the footage of Leia hugging Rey from. The re-use of footage before Carrie Fisher's death is so seamless.

We've been saying that for a year now.
Maybe if Kennedy had just been the tiniest bit competent in managing her assets, this wasn't necessary.

But here's the cherry on top, I thought you guys were joking:

This is the most amazing thing. It's the most blatant, most desperate, most pathetic attempt at pandering to the old fans I have ever seen.
And worst of all: What does it even mean? "The rise of Skywalker"? Is this a lame attempt at ambiguity? Not "The Skywalkers", not "the Skywalker... just "Rise of Skywalker". The title sucks.
Wanna know what the best thing is, though? All these assholes, Movie Bob, Dobson and et al were going on and on about how stupid it was to confine the Force to one single bloodline (ie: the Skywalkers) and that by making Rey a literal nobody, this supposedly broke the formula (that TLJ's marketing Blitz had to invent before they could overcome it, no less!) and it was just such a great thing and yaddayaddayadda. Now the next movie reinforces the importance of bloodlines, specifically of the skywalkers, to such an insane amount, Skywalker even pops up in the fucking title - we have never seen anything like this. Holy fucking shit, this is atrocious and shameless.
I can't stop chuckling. Jesus. Christ.

Now, let's compare names of individual movies within their respective trilogies (without looking at their plot):

"A New Hope" - A nice title, it tells us that times are bad and people are in need of hope and a new hero.
"The Empire Strikes Back" - We know, this time around, the Empire will be a large threat and fuck shit up in retaliation.
"Return of the Jedi" - This promises a glorious, triumphant return of the forces of good and the destruction of evil.

"Phantom Menace" - Pretty good title, a hidden threat, sounds sinister.
"Attack of the Clones" - As with ESB, we know shit is going to escalate. And it's also kinda cheesy like a 50s pulp novel.
"Revenge of the Sith" - It's a nice and elegant play on "Return of the Jedi". The Jedi "return", there is no malice. Sith take "revenge", they are evil. I always liked that about the two movies, when you compare the titles.

"The Force Awakens" - Why does it need to "awaken"? The Jedi returned already, it's a lackluster title.
"The Last Jedi" - When it comes to a name only, it's okay I guess. Bland, though.
"Rise of Skywalker" - Utter trash, it doesn't fit into the scheme of literally any of the other movies at all.

PS: No Rose to be seen anywhere in the trailer.

 

[Judge Holden]

My two cents: is not gonna be that bad. I mean of course is gonna be a mediocre movie with shitty writting but unlike Rian "muh expectations" Johnson, Abrams knows how to do pandering and hide his shitty writting under flashy lights. I hope Ian has decent lines if Palpatine is back and that he doesn't get killed by Rey's stupid God powers. It can't be that hard, J.J: put this clusterfuck to rest and we are done

JJ is a competent film maker who makes reliably passable movies, Disney are pulling out all the stops with the whole "bring back the fans we shat on" nostalgia baiting schtick, and the film has been funded to heaven and back, so odds are you are right.

Frankly though, I think the most I will look in to it even if all you niggers tell me its actually ok, is searching on youtube for all the palpatine moments. The "magic" as it were is utterly, utterly lost for me in terms of hype for new shit from this forsaken franchise

 

[Stab You in the Back]

I'm seeing people pointing out that the sunken Death Star II chunk is also from the concept art of Lucas' treatment of Episode VII we were discussing a few days ago so I guess they're still mining that for ideas at this point.

But they already did that in TFA with the sunken star destroyer. Now they're doing it again and using it as an excuse to ruin a beloved character from the prequels, question mark?

 

[RockVolnutt]

Rise of Skywalker?

What a dumb name.

Makes me thing they're going to cave in to the "bring back Luke alive" crowd tbh.

 

[RomanesEuntDomus]

Oh my god....

.....just....just fucking kill me already

Fuck you, you owe me a new keyboard and a cup of tea.
Just kidding, I love it.

Makes me thing they're going to cave in to the "bring back Luke alive" crowd tbh.

He'll come back as a force ghost, but he'll be featuring heavily into this mess and train Rey.

Come to think about it, we talked about how Rey will become one with the Force. Maybe they took that idea and in a desperate attempt to pander to the old fans, will instead have Luke merge with the Force in some autistic way?

 

[Judge Holden]

Aaand somepony just figgered out what that gold thing was

 

[friedshrimp]

I dunno, I just want to piss on SJWs and shippers. If the secret ending is like, Kylo telling Rey to piss off, and then Palpatine killing Rey Sue and the Tokens I'd be fine with that.

 

[Raging Capybara]

I dunno, I just want to piss on SJWs and shippers. If the secret ending is like, Kylo telling Rey to piss off, and then Palpatine killing Rey Sue and the Tokens I'd be fine with that.

So you're a happy man because the soyboys are mad because this movie basically desconsiders the existence of TLJ.

 

[Stab You in the Back]

Comparison time!

Fun! Exciting adventures! Characters you've come to know and love!

Hey you know all that shit we've been setting up for five films? This is the payoff. Themes!

Rey, you are the most exceptional person to have ever lived. Here's a literal award I pulled off my brother's corpse to give to you for being so awesome.

 

[Judge Holden]

Not even kidding, I would be 10000% more hyped to watch a buddy comedy movie in which Porkins the 2nd and Sluggus the Schlong travel the galaxy trying to find old man palpatine's buried treasure.

Like my mind just shat out the idea when I saw this picture and already i have more emotional investment than whatever IX brings

EDIT: The final scene would be a pastiche of the climax of Flash Gordon with the two of them leading a fleet of ewok space pirates and storming a fucking cheese making planet in order to rescue Schlong's wife from the grasp of galactic crime kingpin Watto who is now an elderly cyborg fused with the rusted remains of general grevious

 

[Tookie]

Notice the "totally not hutt sail barge boat things" they were riding in a few shots?

I think that's exactly what they'll be. They're obviously going back to Endor, so why not Tatooine too? I'm assuming there is a Starkiller II that wasn't shown in the preview too. Maybe they'll have to rescue Rose from Jabba's flamboyantly gay uncle.

This is going to be an even more blatant copy of RotJ than The Force Awakens was of ANH.

 

[Andrei Tarkovsky]

That Death Star appearance seems to be a re-used idea from the concept art for The Force Awakens.

That trailer was... something. I promised myself to not see anything before it comes out just so I can be surprised with whatever happens in the film. But, I just couldn't help myself.

Once again, I'm kinda worried for that they'll do to the The Last Jedi in terms of re-conning. No use making this trilogy feel less complete only to appease a handful of fans who (like I mentioned before) will be disappointed no matter what. I hope Episode IX does what Ep. VIII promised: not having to deal with those little autistic mystery boxes that fans had literal sperg-outs over for nearly 2 years for. Strip all those cool callback elements of The Force Awakens, and it comes across like fan-fiction that J.J wrote without any outlines - filling it with mysteries that someone else had to eventually solve. Call me crazy, but I don't think that's what Star Wars should be.

Also, the entire sequence of Kylo Ren trying to ram his TIE silencer into Rey was crazy. I mean, how does Kylo even come to such a conclusion to do something so barbaric? That guy's a fucking mad lad.

 

[WaltherPPGAY]

My immediate thought is that JJ is going to rip off the comics and have Palpatine bodyswap into clones. Having Snoke be a messed up Palpy clone seems like an easy way to seem clever even if it doesn't make a lot of sense.

I'm guessing Palpy tries to become a force god, but Kylo sacrifices himself so Rey can be the force god instead.

 

[Muttnik]

Yeaaaah the title actually mostly just pisses me off. Think about it. Rise of Skywalker? Fucking WHAT Skywalker?

Anakin's sacrifice meant nothing since Palpatine's back and Kylo went evil.

Rian spent all of last movie shitting all over Luke and his legacy.

Kylo is a Solo and a general fuckup.

And if it's Rey? Oh man, nice father-daughter connection last movie, guys. They shared five scenes of bitching at each other before never seeing each other again. All my feels.

I'm not gonna be conned again after TLJ broke my heart. I hope Palpy kills them all.

 

[Andrei Tarkovsky]

Lmao, I hope it's actually Sheev in that ship.

 

[Creep3r]

Christ, the youtube comments are more entertaining than the trailer. One half is hilarious memes/mockery and the other half are shills happily squeeling about how JJ is supposedly giving the middle finger to Rian Johnson and that's a good enough reason to see it. Literally how?

Not even kidding, I would be 10000% more hyped to watch a buddy comedy movie in which Porkins the 2nd and Sluggus the Schlong travel the galaxy trying to find old man palpatine's buried treasure.

Like my mind just shat out the idea when I saw this picture and already i have more emotional investment than whatever IX brings

EDIT: The final scene would be a pastiche of the climax of Flash Gordon with the two of them leading a fleet of ewok space pirates and storming a fucking cheese making planet of in order to rescue Schlong's wife from the grasp of galactic crime kingpin Watto who is now an elderly cyborg fused with the rusted remains of general grevious

Reminder that Porkins the Second is Chuck Wendig's self-insert creation who had two proud mothers and built Deadpool-Bot Mr. Bones.

 

[Red Hood]

I was wearing an old SW t-shirt I bought when ROTS was in theaters earlier. I actually changed out of it specifically so people wouldn't try to talk to me about IX.

My immediate thought is that JJ is going to rip off the comics and have Palpatine bodyswap into clones. Having Snoke be a messed up Palpy clone seems like an easy way to seem clever even if it doesn't make a lot of sense.

I'm guessing Palpy tries to become a force god, but Kylo sacrifices himself so Rey can be the force god instead.

That's what I was thinking, is this going to be incorporating elements of Dark Empire? Or is Sheev just able to harvest so much joy even with a terrible script that they're bringing him back because of memes?

"Have you heard the tale of Rey the Mary Sue? I thought not, it's not a tale Lucas would tell you. It's a Disney legend..."

"Is it possible to learn this power?"

"No, either you're hypercompetent the second you pick up a lightsaber or you're totally fucked and have to go on a mission to a casino planet that fucks things up further."

Yeaaaah the title actually mostly just pisses me off. Think about it. Rise of Skywalker? Fucking WHAT Skywalker?

Anakin's sacrifice meant nothing since Palpatine's back and Kylo went evil.

Rian spent all of last movie shitting all over Luke and his legacy.

Kylo is a Solo and a general fuckup.

And if it's Rey? Oh man, nice father-daughter connection last movie, guys. They shared five scenes of bitching at each other before never seeing each other again. All my feels.

I'm not gonna be conned again after TLJ broke my heart. I hope Palpy kills them all.

And we shall have peace.

 

[Judge Holden]

Reminder that Porkins the Second is Chuck Wendig's self-insert creation who had two proud mothers and built Deadpool-Bot Mr. Bones.

.....im...im sorry what?

PLEASE dont tell me that sarcastic shit I pulled out my ass in less than a fucking minute is the shit this chucklefuck actually wrote a book about?

Because if thats true then Wendig is officially the most embarrassing hack in creative fiction history.

 

[Muttnik]

I dunno if Sheev's meme magic can save this turkey. When's the last time anyone made a meme on the ST that wasn't a jab at Rian Johnson or shitty dialogue?