Personal Lolcows - Lolcows in your personal life.

[Starscreams Cape]

Guy I casually met from a message board (no not this one) and met up with a few times at a yearly gaming convention. He used to be lovably, grumpily liberal and got along with everyone. But when Trump got elected he was infected with irreversible TDS. Started to call a bunch of long time acquaintances (including me) Nazis, blocked them on social media, the usual nonsense. He fully embraced his "bearded egg" SJW persona.

He's apparently turned into an e-begger on GoFundMe. He has a "chronic pain condition" which conveniently enough doesn't allow for him to work anymore but apparently still allows him to travel to gaming conventions. I guess he lets his wife figure out the whole "supporting the household" thing.

 

[friedshrimp]

I knew Disney spergs, borderline going on lolcow. Spent all their time complaining about how people dared to like different princesses and Disney films from the films they liked and attacked people who didn't even like Disney in the first place, and preferred Nicktoons or Tintin or TMNT. Also hated dogs, getting haircuts, Junk food, Monet's paintings, football players, balloons, Catholics, earphones, "bad media" (whatever the fuck that means) and every non-American person on earth. Went around policing others on what things to like and often had "contrarian" opinions, but their opinions were often just as stupid as any thought made by Chris. These people were their 40s, but spent all their time complaining on the internet about how nobody liked their favorite princess and they were all uneducated morons who needed to "get an education" and threw tantrums when their OTPs didn't happen. And that random singing princess was better than any other fictional character out there, apparently. Like, Shakespeare, Tolstoy? Pff, those were just posers compared to unpaid interns hired by the rat.

Disney lolcows, man, they're just something else.

 

[HoTTaKe]

For one, he thinks that I hate Portuguese people. I don't, I just shit talk them whenever he's around because he thinks they're the best people ever, and gets really angry when I call them the lazy Mexicans of Spain.

Tell him that Portugese chicks are horny af because they're so high testosterone that they're practically men and that you always check how thick their arm hair is to qualify how wet their pussy prolly is rn, that'll really rustle the dude.

Oh and personally my lolcows are /r/Canada on reddit, love creating a new alt and saying something factual and having them remove it and calling them faggots and telling them they'll get the rope next. I also love http://321chat.com - the adult chat room, I always pop in and post a beheading GIF in there and some woman getting smacked around - really rustles their jimmies, especially in the evenings. They're super quick with the bans. I haven't run out of IPs yet tho lol.

 

[Gordon Cole]

A few years ago, I wrote about my experiences with S, a spergy classmate in my Screenwriting I class who wrote a script entitled "The Thanks We Get" that was described here as "The Room as written by Elliot Rodger". The link I posted is dead, but you can DM me for a copy.

Today I had lunch with some writer friends of mine who've had to deal with him in more classes, and their stories paint a much more vivid picture of his personality:

• He hasn't moved on from the creepy rape focus of TTWG at all. Many of his scripts were described as having "Women being impregnated by rape", "Women raping men", "Children being the offspring of rape", etc. One scene involved a character of his drinking semen out of a paper cup. I shudder at what the context could possibly be.
• In their current class, he's writing a play featuring two guys in jail, with both of them bitching about women, and one of them complaining about, yep you guessed it, being arrested for a false rape conviction. Also, the phrase "We live in a society" was unironically used.
• On a lighter note, he tried to write a musical about the struggles between cops and criminals that everyone agreed was terrible. You may recognize this as the exact premise of the infamous TV show Cop Rock. No word as to whether rape features in the musical at all.
• And on an even more off-putting note, one of the girls in a previous class rightfully criticized one of his screenplays for again, being the brainchild of a creepy sperg with a rape fetish. So he comes in the next week with a part specifically written for her wherein she's called a cunt several times and beaten within an inch of her life. The professor was so disgusted that they actually kicked him out of the class, and told him not to come back. Essentially my friends have to walk on eggshells with their critiques lest they be written in his revenge fantasies or shot up irl.

Long story short, the film program at my school attracts crazies like moths to a flame.

 

[Ghost of Wesley Willis]

Lemme introduce you to one of my friends who became a lolcow to me in the past 2 years. Now then, I don't feel like reavealing any sort of powerlevels, so I'm gonna use in a
pseudonym for him, and refer to him as Gary.

I had a friend, who I will refer to as Gary. I met Gary back around summer 2013, on a forum. Gary and I both got along fairly well, as we both had very similar interests and a love for memes. As the year went on, I slowly started losing interest in MLP (both of us were bronies at the time), which Gary understood 100% and we never talked much about MLP afterwards. We eventually shifting our focuses and conversations on video games and computer hardware. For about 3 years afterwards, nothing very eventful happens to either of us, it all seems normal. Gary eventually followed suit with me and also lost interest in MLP about a year after I lost interest in it, however, it took a much darker turn just when I thought it was getting better for both of us.

Fast forward to around spring 2016. One day, I notice Gary has an unusual discord and twitter avatar. As I'm about ready to question him about this, he comes out to me as a furry. I don't think much at first, and he's completely cool with me making jokes about furries for a while. But as time went on, he slowly started to go down the path many lolcows went down. He started getting offended over jokes, won't shut up about how Trump is going to personally execute LGBTs, losing his shit over Trump winning the election, wanting to go to war with Russia, how Republicans are all secret neo-nazis ready to lynch him, and how Ajit Pai is literally Satan reincarnated. Then he eventually comes out as gay after being a bisexual for most his life. He started to shill for SonicFox and talk about how much of a great person he was and how anybody who doesn't like him is just a meanie homophobe who needs to get with the times, started to call himself a socialist despite the fact every single view he holds is just basic DNC talking points and barely anything that can be considered revolutionary.

Eventually, he gets on my case when I show no interest in getting involved in politics, and how I'm an evil, heartless bastard for not wanting to vote for democrats or shill for them 100% of the time. I'm still friends with him, but I feel like as of right now, my friendship with him might not even last, and he'll probably blame it all on me.

 

[REGENDarySumanai]

I now have the inexplicable urge to strangle my family's personal lolcow after she got more time with her son than my friend. My friend was the plaintiff and LOST.

 

[lameandgay2]

personal lolcow won't stop tweeting photos of her baby with captions like 'my baby is my ex in a dressing gown', and 'my child is literally ____ in a headband'.
four in two days.

 

[PL 001]

Gather 'round, young'uns and I'll tell you a story about a boy named George. I have tons of anecdotes I could tell, but I'll stick to the story where he cemented himself as my personal lolcow. His origin story if you will.

George was known in school as the weird loner kid nobody wanted to be friends with. He was a pale, short, blue haired fatass who had an ego the size of Jupiter. My friend and I, being young and stupid, thought if we reached out to him that it might improve his social status somewhat, knowing that he could make friends if he tried.

This was around the time Diablo 2 was new, and a lot of people were obsessed with it, myself and my friend included. We asked George if he played, and when he confirmed, we asked if he wanted to hop online and play with us sometime. He seemed interested, but said his character was pretty low level and might not be much use. "No prob!" I said. Told him to meet me on tonight and I'd help rush him.

We got on, and his character was only about twenty odd levels behind my own. Easy enough. I'm hackin' n slashin' and he's gaining levels. Throughout this, he keeps asking me very personal questions that were making me uncomfortable, most of them regarding what or who I jacked off to and if I found anyone at school attractive. It seemed to me like he was awkwardly trying to fish around and see if I thought he was cute based on how he kept trying to steer the conversation. I tried politely telling him a few times to focus on the game or talk about something else. He got really pissy out of nowhere and said something like "keep getting me those levels, bitch before I rape ya with my bigass sword!"

I said "fuck this" and logged out. George found me and kept spamming me to recreate the game. Me, being young and exceptional thinking I was clever told him "twinkle twinkle little whore, I just put you on ignore" muted him and continued playing.

Next day at school, I was sitting in the cafeteria when George comes storming up to my table, slams his backpack down next to me and screams at the top of his lungs "WHY DID YOU CALL ME A WHORE LAST NIGHT!!!???"

He's red faced and close to crying. I'm embarrassed as fuck with everyone watching us. I try saying "George, what..." and he cuts me off, still rage crying screaming "WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU? WHY DID YOU CALL ME YOUR WHORE!!!??" and girl-runs out of the cafeteria crying, leaving his backpack next to me as people start busting a gut. Needless to say, it did not help his social standing, he got picked on mercilessly for his crazy man crush on me, and I got my fair share as well for being the recipient.

I dealt with this kid for four years, and every time he managed to get close to me, he'd do something that created many lulz among our peers.

 

[DavidFerrie]

Gather 'round, young'uns and I'll tell you a story about a boy named George. I have tons of anecdotes I could tell, but I'll stick to the story where he cemented himself as my personal lolcow. His origin story if you will.

George was known in school as the weird loner kid nobody wanted to be friends with. He was a pale, short, blue haired fatass who had an ego the size of Jupiter. My friend and I, being young and stupid, thought if we reached out to him that it might improve his social status somewhat, knowing that he could make friends if he tried.

This was around the time Diablo 2 was new, and a lot of people were obsessed with it, myself and my friend included. We asked George if he played, and when he confirmed, we asked if he wanted to hop online and play with us sometime. He seemed interested, but said his character was pretty low level and might not be much use. "No prob!" I said. Told him to meet me on tonight and I'd help rush him.

We got on, and his character was only about twenty odd levels behind my own. Easy enough. I'm hackin' n slashin' and he's gaining levels. Throughout this, he keeps asking me very personal questions that were making me uncomfortable, most of them regarding what or who I jacked off to and if I found anyone at school attractive. It seemed to me like he was awkwardly trying to fish around and see if I thought he was cute based on how he kept trying to steer the conversation. I tried politely telling him a few times to focus on the game or talk about something else. He got really pissy out of nowhere and said something like "keep getting me those levels, bitch before I rape ya with my bigass sword!"

I said "fuck this" and logged out. George found me and kept spamming me to recreate the game. Me, being young and exceptional thinking I was clever told him "twinkle twinkle little whore, I just put you on ignore" muted him and continued playing.

Next day at school, I was sitting in the cafeteria when George comes storming up to my table, slams his backpack down next to me and screams at the top of his lungs "WHY DID YOU CALL ME A WHORE LAST NIGHT!!‽??"

He's red faced and close to crying. I'm embarrassed as fuck with everyone watching us. I try saying "George, what..." and he cuts me off, still rage crying screaming "WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU? WHY DID YOU CALL ME YOUR WHORE!!‽?" and girl-runs out of the cafeteria crying, leaving his backpack next to me as people start busting a gut. Needless to say, it did not help his social standing, he got picked on mercilessly for his crazy man crush on me, and I got my fair share as well for being the recipient.

I dealt with this kid for four years, and every time he managed to get close to me, he'd do something that created many lulz among our peers.

Got any other tales?

 

[PL 001]

Got any other tales?

You bet. I'll give one more before I call it a night.

I mentioned before that George had dyed blue hair. Nobody really cared if someone had crazy hair colors, but George, being a 5'4 shorty who weighed probably 200 pounds or so couldn't pull off the look. He'd get made fun of. You could tell it bugged him, but he'd usually ignore it the best he could without any major explosions.

During lunch one day, a couple of friends and I were helping each other construct Magic the Gathering decks (so glad I escaped that financial black hole...) and George bulldogs his way into our group. We kind of tolerate his presence but aren't really making an effort to include him, having learned our lesson prior. He keeps yammering on and on and we keep giving him curt "uh huh" "yeah" "okay then" responses, hoping he'd take the hint. He doesn't.

One friend finally has enough and snaps "will you fuck off already, Papa Smurf?"

George loses his shit. Goes into his patented by this point rage-cry screaming "I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR ABUSE!!!! AND WHY DON'T YOU DO SOMETHING ABOUT HIM WINTERMOONSLIGHT? I THOUGHT YOU LIKED ME!!!???"

I laughed at the Papa Smurf comment which just sent him into a bigger rage. He screams at me "FUCK YOU, FLUFFY BATMAN!!!!" and runs off, while I'm simultaneously cracking up at being called Fluffy Batman and wondering why the hell a 16 year old guy would think that very odd "insult" something a kindergartner would use would just wreck me.

 

[Big Question]

Corporal punishment should be mandatory.

 

[mr.moon1488]

Crunchyroll forum leftists. It's been the same pattern for years now.
1: Post something stupid
2: Other posters argue with them
3: Get pissed off at other posters, and start spamming about how they're Nazis (I've seen them do this to 16yo Japanese girls...)
4: Start reporting every post from "Nazis"
5: Mods remove some of the posts to appease them
6: Get butthurt because mods don't ban all of the other posters, and start bitching at the mods
7: Mods get pissed, and ban the leftists
8: Leftists call mods alt-right Nazis despite mods mostly deleting right wing posts
9: Repeat cycle

 

[REGENDarySumanai]

Apparently it has come to my attention that my family's personal lolcow paid off the judge in the tune of $35,000 to get the court order in her favor, and she just dropped in casually while arguing with my friend. Whether this will get the judge grilled, her ass in jail, or losing custody of her child is to be seen. I don't even know where she pulled that kind of money from. She works in the fraud department of a bank, yet lies so much that she does it in front of authority.

 

[Mr. 0]

Apparently it has come to my attention that my family's personal lolcow paid off the judge in the tune of $35,000 to get the court order in her favor, and she just dropped in casually while arguing with my friend. Whether this will get the judge grilled, her ass in jail, or losing custody of her child is to be seen. I don't even know where she pulled that kind of money from. She works in the fraud department of a bank, yet lies so much that she does it in front of authority.

Whoa whoa, how did this come out? Is there an investigation underway I hope?

 

[REGENDarySumanai]

Whoa whoa, how did this come out? Is there an investigation underway I hope?

She was arguing with my friend over what days both of them should have their child, and she casually said it (she has a really bad issue with powerleveling). My friend sent this info to his lawyer and he's actively investigating it.

 

[Mr. 0]

She was arguing with my friend over what days both of them should have their child, and she casually said it (she has a really bad issue with powerleveling). My friend sent this info to his lawyer and he's actively investigating it.

Here's hoping her big mouth undoes all that work she did to screw your friend out.

 

[REGENDarySumanai]

Here's hoping her big mouth undoes all that work she did to screw your friend out.

She always screws herself over in some capacity due to her fat mouth. She screams in the court room like a chimpanzee and regularly drops damning shit at the drop of a hat, and all my friend's lawyer does is sit back and laugh at her.

 

[Angrybirdsfan]

My personal LOLcows are Toony The Loon's Toons, JeffyJeffyUHUHUH, and Mr 222 Guy and a bunch of others that I will eventually get to.

For Toony, he made a Hate Video on my friend, and therefore causing a flame war, he will block anyone for no reason, and he also hates islam for some reason.

For JeffyJeffyUHUHUH, she is a Toxic Jeffy Fan who worships Erik Mokeracek and defends him, she also made a threat to DrewPicklesisSwell1957, and falsely DMCA'd his video on JeffyJeffyUHUHUH herself, this sparked a flame war, and as of now, JeffyJeffyUHUHUH is Hacked and is currently on Discord.

For Mr 222 Guy, he's a gullible hater on me & Chaofun, he also defends Villiger01X for some blind reason.

 

[weed weenus]

Earlier in this thread, in my post about one of my personal lolcows, Cassie, I mentioned someone named “Horace” who I said was another personal lolcow of mine and deserved his own post in this thread. Well, here it is, in all its glory! I’d recommend listening to “Making Things Up Again” from Book of Mormon while reading this (or any song about lying, really), since it fits Horace’s character pretty well.

Horace, to say the least, is most likely a sociopath. I used to go to school with him; he was two grades above me, meaning he is currently 20 years old, yet he still acts in the same immature way he did 4 years ago, in 2015 when this story starts. He has to be one of the biggest morons I have ever met, showing incompetence in every single aspect of life. His ugly eyes bulge out of his head so bad that not even his glasses can hide it, and his voice is not unlike that of the nerd from Robot Chicken. Despite that, though, he is practically worshipped by his friends, most of whom are 15-16 year old SJW-ish girls he grooms who only think he’s cool because he’s older than them, non-white, “gay”, and has a shitton of money (his parents own multiple popular restaurants in our town). Horace claims to be gay, but anyone who knew him before he “came out” can easily see through his bullshit, especially since he was well-known for lying about anything and everything as well as his predatory behaviour toward girls. Why am I calling him Horace, you might ask? Because Horace is an ugly name fitting for this ugly person (and also because his overly long, overly complicated Native Mexican name would immediately identify him). All in all, Horace is a vomit-worthy abomination of humankind, living proof that even the most exceptional of re.tards can be sociopaths, a waste of resources and oxygen, and God’s biggest mistake.

Spoiler: ”Superficial Charm and Self-Insertion”

Horace likes to suck up to people when he wants to be their friend. In my personal experience, when I was a freshman and in the musical’s tech crew with him (circa 2015), he would bring everyone pizza from one of his family’s restaurants and try to “relate” to our humour through tryhard, outdated memes and references to shows we liked (at the time, mainly anime). At first, I humoured him, but I quickly started to see through his bullshit.

It was even worse when he tried to be friends with my sister’s friends. (We will call her “Helen”.) He would invite himself to their group get-togethers and parties, and in one case, for a guy we’ll call “Anthony”’s birthday, he bought him a brand new Fire Emblem game that costlike 40 or 50 dollars, Fates, I believe, to be exact. It would have been cool if, y’know, they were actually friends. But Anthony, as well as the rest of that friend group, wasn’t exactly on good terms with Horace in the first place, and it was obvious that Horace was trying to suck up, so Anthony did not accept it, although Horace did not let him return it despite that. Another time, he showed up uninvited to the Christmas party in Helen’s chemistry class that he wasn’t even in, and the teacher had no idea who he was either. Before exams one morning, he bought all of them expensive Starbucks drinks, even after they had already clearly expressed their displeasure of his actions multiple times. Basically just constant brown-nosing and blatantly trying to buy people’s friendship because deep down he knew nobody actually liked him for him (and understandably so).

The most satisfying moment of that school year was at the end of the year band concert, when Helen was taking a group photo with her friends. He tried to insert himself into the photo like he did with everything else, but before he could, she told him, “Horace, this picture is for my friends.” The look on his face was priceless. He proceeded to go whining to “Janice”, the only person who was willing to show any sympathy toward him who wasn’t significantly younger than him, who yelled at Helen for "bUwWyInG!!!1" him.

Spoiler: ”Blatant Lies and Bullshit Excuses”

As well as brown-nosing, Horace will lie about anything and everything to either:
A: Make himself look good
B: Make someone he doesn’t like look bad
C: Get what he wants
D: All of the above.

A good portion of what comes out of Horace’s mouth is nothing but pure lies, and this was evident from the moment Helen and I met him at band camp the summer before our freshman and junior years (respectively). When Helen and “Fiona”, the main target of Horace’s affections and stalking (more on that later), mentioned that they were going to take AP US History, he responded, “Oh, APUSH? I was gonna take that, and I even got all the summer work done, but my mom made me drop it at the last second!” First of all, at my school, you can’t drop classes during the summer. If you don’t get your classes changed by the end of the previous year, then you’ll have to wait until the first week of school to switch to the class you want. Furthermore, Horace’s grades were absolute shit, so even if he did sign up to take APUSH, his guidance counselor would have brought him in and told him that he couldn’t because he would almost certainly fail.

Horace came to band camp in the first place not having the slightest clue on how to play his baritone, claiming “My parents wouldn’t let me! You can’t expect me to know how to play an instrument in one summer!” Meanwhile Helen, who had no idea how to play a clarinet before the end of the school year, worked her ass off every day to be able to play by band camp.

Often, Horace would wait until right as we were cleaning up to show up to tech crew sessions. His excuse? “I had to work!” He would never tell anyone beforehand even though he was supposed to, and did jack shit during the small amount of time he was actually there. During one of these sessions, while my sister and I were cleaning paint trays in a compromising pose (bent over), little did we know, Horace had his phone against the crack of the door, filming us. When we saw him filming us, he ran away cackling. He refused to delete it at first despite our protests, claiming he was “just trying to make memories!” Later on, he technically deleted it from his photo gallery, but not before sending it to Helen so he could access it whenever he wanted with his microdick out.

At the very end of senior year, around the same time he started hanging out with underage girls, he came out as “gay”. “Gay” in giant airquotes because he’s obviously lying. To this day he still insists that he’s gay, but the only people who actually believe him are his SJW friends who don’t care about actual gay people (neither does he, for that matter) but use him as their token “sassy gay friend” and woke points for being friends with a gay Blaxican.

Fast forward two years later, 2018. I’m now a junior, and Horace, Helen and all them have been out of high school for a year now. I get to school, one of my ex’s friends (“Asshole”, for reasons unrelated to this post) asks me a question: “Hey, Hyperfujis… This might sound rude, but...are you autistic?” I know what you’re about to say: “But Hyperfujis, everyone on Kiwi Farms is autistic in some way!” Although that’s technically true, I do not have any form of diagnosis and nobody in real life knows I use Kiwi Farms, so this question came completely out of nowhere. So, I replied, “Uh, no? Why do you ask?”

“Oh, someone told me that you were, but I don’t want to name names...” I eventually pried it out of him, though. Apparently, Horace was talking to Asshole’s girlfriend, who was a freshman (this was a year after Horace had graduated, so I have no idea why Horace even knew that girl, let alone talked to her in the first place), and he told her that I had autism, and that I used to be close friends with him. I refuted Horace’s lies, to which Asshole replied, “Yeah, I figured. You don’t seem like that, so I was confused, too.” I still have no idea why he was talking about me of all people, and I know he still talks about me to this day (more on that later), although I’m not sure if he still tells everyone those specific lies or if he made up new lies over time.

Spoiler: ”Stupidity, Unreliability, and Incompetence”

Horace wouldn’t be able to live on his own and sustain a job outside the comforts of his parents’ restaurants even if he tried. He is simply too stupid to sustain a job where his parents aren’t there to guide his every move and cushion him when he fails to do the simplest task correctly. Of course, his grades were absolute swine diarrhea (even compared to mine, which aren’t that great to begin with). His incompetence shows in every aspect of life, in everything he does.

As mentioned before, Horace had an entire summer to learn at least the very basics on how to play the baritone, but did not take advantage of that opportunity even in the slightest. However, it’s even worse than that. Horace only joined band to begin with to follow Fiona, and he wasn’t allowed to play the flute, so the fact that he had to play the baritone really pissed him off. Instead of quitting band, though, he stuck it out, and he never learned how to play his instrument. Not a single note came out of that baritone. He just straight up fake-played during numbers, making poor Anthony pick up the slack for him by playing louder. The first rule of marching is that you ALWAYS start on your left foot, but he didn’t even do that despite it being drilled into our heads throughout all of band camp. The only times he would play were when he was prompted (it always sounded like shit) and during the B-flat scale, which he relied on a fingering chart to play up to the day he graduated. Even the middle schoolers could play and march better than Horace. Let that sink in. When he was the uniform/equipment manager, he would constantly misplace shit, and one time even dropped a baritone (at least I think he dropped it, I don’t remember that incident too clearly) which damaged the instrument and caused a middle school girl to get a nice gash on her head. It got to the point where even the band director admitted that the band would be better off if he weren’t there.

Musical tech crew was even worse. Like I said, half the time he would either show up super late or not at all without telling anyone why. As with marching band, he also joined tech crew for the sole purpose of following Fiona because he knew she did it the year before, but she didn’t do it this year, so Horace was just stuck. He decided to do work in the booth anyway, but he did a horrible job at it, so horrible that I’m devoting a whole section just for all the shit that went down up there.

Horace’s grades were utter shit. Like, it’s-a-miracle-he-graduated-on-time brand of shit. Helen and Horace shared an alt ed block, and the alt ed teacher constantly checked every students’ grades. because most people in his alt ed classes were on the verge of failing high school entirely (Helen was a rare exception, as she didn’t have the schedule space for her class so she had to take it online.) Every day, without fail, the teacher would yell at Horace because he was failing most of his classes. He failed the math class he shared with Fiona sophomore year because he was too busy staring at her to pay any attention. Junior year, he went around claiming that he did well on his chemistry SOL, claiming that “all of the questions were just on scientific method, so it was easy!” When he got his scores back, he failed so hard that he could not retake the SOL. To add salt to the wound, Helen and Fiona asked their chemistry teacher if it was possible to have mostly scientific method questions, to which she replied, “No, he’s lying,” adding yet another lie of his already quite lengthy list of lies.

Spoiler: ”Creepy, Stalkerish Behaviour”

Horace liked Fiona. He really liked Fiona. So much, that he became obsessed with her. It started with him taking pictures of her sleeping on the bus and refusing to delete them despite her making it clear that she did not want him doing that. Then, he started stalking her old Facebook from middle school and texting her telling her she was prettier when she had long hair. Then, he started following her around everywhere and copying her. She was in marching band? Well, now he was too! She helped with lights in the booth during last year’s musical? Well, fuck me if he wasn’t going to be in the booth this year, too! She likes anime and Hamilton? Say no more, because Horace is totally a weeb/musical nerd, too. The whole reason he got involved with Helen’s friend circle in the first place is because Fiona was in that circle.

As well as copying Fiona and doing every extracurricular she was involved with, Horace literally followed her around in the hallway. Every day, he would wait outside her classroom for her and Helen to come out, and follow them around without actually participating in their conversation. When they would run away from him, instead of getting the hint like a normal human being, he would chase after him. When confronted about it, he said, “But “Gerald” follows you around in the hallway, so why can’t I?” Their response was a resounding “Because Gerald’s our friend and you’re not.” He didn’t give a shit, and continued stalking Fiona, showering her with expensive gifts she didn’t actually want, asking her out multiple times even though she rejected him every time, and only backing off once she got a boyfriend.

His creepy nature permeated every other relationship of his, of course. When I was a freshman (so I was 14, he was 17; he was one of the older people in his grade), he would often try to pry private, personal information out of me. When I didn’t give in, he would ask Helen instead. One certain instance involved him begging Helen to give him my middle name so he could “yell after me like a child” for whatever fucking reason. Part of me believes it’s because he’s into little girls and had sexual motives, but that’s just speculation. The more realistic motive is that he wanted more power over me because he was a bully (elaborated on in the next section).

By the way, the things he did to Fiona and the friend circle in general fit the legal definition of stalking, and he’s lucky his ass isn’t in jail (but that’s assuming his parents wouldn’t pay his bail to free him immediately so he can stalk more girls).

Spoiler: ”Bullying, Powertripping, and General Assoholic Behaviour”

An optimist would like to think upon reading this that Horace is just a “well-intentioned but misguided guy who just wants to make friends”. However, he is, in fact, rotten to the core, and nothing anyone can do or believe will change that. He doesn’t care about anyone but himself, no matter how hard he tries to cover that up. Every single little thing he does is done specifically for his own benefit, even if it means destroying someone else in the process.

Horace tried so hard to assert his dominance over underclassmen, and pretty much anyone he believed to be beneath him (so basically, everyone). In the halls, he would hurl insults at me while I was walking and just minding my own business, and of course still spreads lies about me to this day even though I bear no significance whatsoever in his life. As well as the video he took of me and Helen, Horace also took another video a year later (I was 15 and he was 18, so it’s probably illegal), of me messing up a dance during musical rehearsal. Like the previous video, he took it without my consent or knowledge, and sent that video to his friends. I feel like he probably has more videos of me that I don’t know about; unlike the previous video, I never actually got to see the video in person, and I only found out when my sister warned me about it after her friends warned her. It was due to his harassment that I had to quit musical in the middle of the season that year.

In marching band, despite being worse at the entire art than literally everyone else there, Horace still tried to assert his dominance. He would give the underclassmen and middle schoolers shit for everything and nothing, and would make fun of them for no reason other than to feel good about himself. Come leadership tryouts, and he tries out for a position made for welcoming new marchers (since we had a huge influx of them coming in for the upcoming season). The band director knew he wouldn’t be cut out for that kind of position, and he gave it to Helen instead (who had tried out for woodwind captain but lost to Fiona). However, since our band director is the kind of guy who doesn’t really like saying “no” to people, he got the position of uniform/equipment manager. Enraged, Horace went around telling everyone that Helen didn’t deserve the role and he did, ironically citing the musical as why.

As with his sound booth position, Horace abused his position as uniform/equipment manager as well. He demanded that everyone alphabetize their uniforms, and that the middle schoolers put their uniforms in a separate rack from the high schoolers. Traditionally (at least in our band), the drum major puts plumes on the rest of the band members’ hats. Not with Horace in charge. He decided that he needed be the one to plume everyone, even though all he was in charge of was keeping our uniforms organised. At the end of every rehearsal, where the main leadership members (as in, the drum major and section leaders) would address their section, Horace would demand to speak and then proceed to gripe at the band about tiny shit, shit that wasn’t even related to his position and that he had no room to gripe about because he was guilty of those things, too. Horace intentionally placed Helen and Fiona’s hat and shoe boxes on high shelves just so they would have to ask him for help. He was drunk on his barely-existent power, and god forbid anyone rain on his little powertrip.

Unsurprisingly, Horace was a spoiled brat. He didn’t like to admit it, though. Horace always had to have his way or else he would whine and whine and whine until someone showed up to appease him. When Fiona went to the principal to report what he was doing, he whined, cried, and cried some more to his mother who came to the school yelling at the principal because her son was being “bullied”. I remember one instance where he whined about his little brother, saying “He gets everything and I get nothing! He’s a spoiled brat!” It took every ounce of effort in my body not to laugh at his obvious self-unawareness and disregard for the things his parents hand to him on a silver platter. Case in point: his iPhone 6S (which at the time had only been out for two months and was the latest and greatest and most expensive iPhone on the market) was already completely shattered beyond recognition, even though he had a protective case on it.

Spoiler: ”Freshman Year Musical Bullshit”

Musical during my freshman year was where Horace’s shittiness as a human being really shined through. Although Horace expected Fiona to be in the booth again that year since she was the year before, she decided not to do so that year (gee I wonder why), so he forced Helen to be up there with him because she was his only “friend”. Horace was in charge of turning on actors’ mics and changing the volume when needed, while Helen was responsible for the sound effects and giving Horace his cues. Horace, however, in his arrogance, boasted that he “memorized the whole show” and therefore didn’t need Helen’s cues despite being late for literally every cue, even during show week, and he would yell at her when she tried to do her job and cue him. During tech week, Horace would talk loudly in the booth during the runthrough, and watch YouTube videos, also very loudly. The director showed him all the buttons and dials he needed to use, emphasizing the ones he wasn’t supposed to press. He didn’t listen, fucking with those dials anyway in an attempt to “fix” mics but only making them sound worse. One night, he left a $100 bill up there somehow, and he’s damn lucky it didn’t get stolen.

He insisted that he be the one responsible for doing mic checks, and would yell at Helen when anything went wrong with the mics. Horace thought he was God, and tried to control the actors, the stage crew, and everyone in the booth. He would tattle on Helen to the directors about banal shit when she didn’t do anything wrong, saying “Oh, she was on her phone the whole time!” when she would check her phone maybe once or twice during the performance to check the time or something. After every performance, he would barge into the girls’ dressing room to take their mics while they were changing. (To contrast, he would merely knock on the boys’ dressing room for their mics.)

Saturday night was where his awfulness hit its peak. Sometime before the performance, without telling anyone beforehand, he went up into the booth and turned off the sound effect buttons, for reasons still unknown (possibly sabotage). During a scene where Helen had to press a button to make dog barking sound effects, when she pressed the button, it didn’t work. As she frantically tried to look for a solution, Horace yelled at her to the point where she had a panic attack in the middle of a performance. The tech director walkie talkied Horace to see what was going on, and he absolved all the blame from himself, saying shit like “It’s all Helen’s fault!” He still boasts that he controlled "all the sound" for that show even though he didn’t do shit.

Spoiler: ”Horace Now and In the Future”

Horace may be a barely-functioning adult now, but he still has daddy’s money and his army of underage asskissers on his side. Horace no longer shows up to any band events (except for when he volunteered as a room monitor for district band tryouts...a position where he’d be in a room full of 12-16 year old kids all day), but he will show up to all our choir concerts, mainly because most of his little friends are there. He hides behind his “gay” label to absolve himself of any responsibility for his past preying on girls, and so his underage female friends won’t feel creeped out (and also to appease them since they’re SJWs). Like most lies, I’m sure this one will eventually be exposed. After that, my guess is that he’ll troon out Jonathan Yaniv-style and claim to be a “lesbian twanz woman uwu” while making no effort to actually pass as female and sue vaginal waxers for not waxing his balls. His friends won’t care, they’ll forgive him and keep him on their side lest they lose woke points for rejecting a "black lesbian twanz woman". At one point last summer, I made a post on my private Instagram making fun of his pedophilic nature (without actually namedropping him). One of his little friends who I didn’t even know followed that account slid into my DMs later, yelling at me basically along the lines of “hey i know who ur talking about so stup it horace is a innocent flower who can do no wrong!!!1”

There’s nothing Horace loves more than teenage girls; he will try to befriend any teenage girl he meets, no matter how young they happen to be. For example, after district band tryouts, I saw that he and Cassie (14) were talking to each other. Since Cassie was already involved in a pedophilic relationship, alarm bells rang in my head, and when he left I warned her about his nature. Of course, since it’s Cassie, she told me to go fuck myself, called me a bitch, and went whining to another girl in our band about how I was “giving her a panic attack”. His asskissers always come to his defense, no matter how minor a slight may be. He’s very touchy with these teenage girls, too; last year at the music department party (which was for students only, mind you), he kept trying to touch my friend’s shoulders the whole time despite her repeatedly telling him to stop.

I hope one day Horace realises how awful he really is and make an effort to change himself for the better, but knowing him, I doubt that will ever happen. He will always have his personal hugbox, his loads of money, and his parents’ restaurants to keep him company (of course, if he inherits the restaurants then he is sure to drive them into the ground). I predict that one day in the distant future, I’ll be reading the news and see his name in an article titled “[TOWN] MAN ARRESTED FOR INAPPROPRIATE CONDUCT WITH CHILDREN AS YOUNG AS THREE”, or he’ll knock on my door to tell me that he’s legally required to say he’s a sex offender.

 

[Jigaboo Jones]

RANDOM ENCOUNTERS ON THE STREETS OF NYC part 2

(for part 2, about Shanice, search for "shawoo booda woo")

Another person who I don't actually know, but who I ran into in the city who I assume to be a gargantuan lolcow based on his behavior. He was certainly lolcow of the night.

To set the scene, it is a bit past midnight. I'm visiting the city as I do from time totime and hanging out in Union Square with chess hustlers, small time drug dealers, homeless guys, etc. We're drinking some beer, smoking a blunt, doing a few blasts of crack here and there. A white guy with a vaguely Midwestern/slightly Southern accent I can't place comes up. Part of the reason I can't place his accent is because his speech is utterly subsumed with the nasal, grating monotone and occasional misplaced emphasis, grunt or squawk of the terminally autistic.

He was pretty drunk, and obnoxious from that,but clearly underneath that had some autism issues going on and was generally inept and an asshole. He came over and asked one Haitian guy for a drag off his blunt and the guy said no, so the sperg-of-the-night started rambling on and on about how the Haitian guy was "too cool for him" and it was because he was white blah blah blah, then offering him beer, money, etc. Everyone was sick and tired of the guys mannerisms and was calmly telling him to go away but he just didn't get the social cues. Being autistic and all.

Then he started escalating his behavior. He basically went around to everyone in the group and managed to belittle a little something about them. The $20 bag of weed, he considered that a nickle bag and got better quality. The dudes playing chess weren't playing right, and he was saying how it was stupid they played for $20-25 a game, saying who wants to pay that much to play with a bum, it should be $5, how they make no money (which is not true, some of those guys make bank), etc. One of the guys playing chess happened to be a guido type who's boy whispered to my friend "that's so-and-so a mobbed up guy that's not the guy to fuck with" and everyone was telling the sperg to back off but he was just not getting it.

The guido guy turned away from his chess game and just started mag dog staring at the sperg who of course didn't recognize it until he started shouting at him and threatening him. Then the sperg said "Well....it looks like this is the (here comes the snidest spergiest voice ever) the 14th street cre-e-e-w (think of how Chris annunciates certian words) and I'm not cool enough." The Italian kid barked on him one more time and he started backing up. Then he started going around to random people on the street and saying look at those losers playing chess and smoking weed and crack and whatever.

Comes around again when the Italian guys leave..."well thank God they went they were really aggressive." Totally missing that nobody else wanted him there,trying to act like he was allied with us against them. Other people in a calmer way told him to fuck off. He kept pestring people for weed and people kept ignoring him.

Then someone asked for a rolling paper.

He said "here's one.....for you....because Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves...it's white reparations."

Dead silence everyone staring at him. Just to be clear everyone there except me and him is Black, like 5 or 6 dudes, all drunk/high as shit and lets just say "rough around the edges" at best. At least one dude I knew was packing a pretty nasty knife and was patting around his pocket where it was.

"Get it? Whiiite reparations. The paper is whiiiite."

Dead silence.

"That was a good one right? I got that. I just gotta give myself a pat on the back..." And he starts doing a weird little dance and miming dunking a basketball, saying something like "woosh woosh boing ....snaaaap" again and again.

At which point I lost it too and got up like I was going to kick his ass and shouted at him to leave. He ran away but came back a few minutes later.

"Hey, hey, is there some magic circle I can't come inside?"

The Italian guy whohad left before had come back around and pointed to the edge of the park. "Yeah, that's your magic circle," while turning to me saying "you didn't kill him yet?"

The sperg nodded like he understood a serious answer to a serious question, and started pacing doing laps right outside his "magic circle" and going up to strangers and really loudly going, "look at those guys. They're sitting there smoking crack. And they want $20 for just a little weed. Wouldn't give me a puff because I'm white. And I thought that white guy over there [meaning me, your humble shitposter Jigaboo Jones] would be fair to me but he was the worst he was yellling....."

How he avoided getting his ass kicked this far was amazing, although there are a shitload of police right there (the precinct is directly underneath and both undercover and painted up police cars are always parked and/or circling especially around that time, this was a little after midnight.) Still though. At least three or four people including me went full on barking on him really fucking loud to shut the fuck up, back up and leave, which at least caused the police to walk by and make their presence known. I told one of the cops they should arrest the guy for public intoxication so somebody didn't kick his ass.

Then when the black guys I'd been hanging out with went for a walk to go cop some crack and I was sitting alone he came back and said something about now the black guys are gone can he hang out and have a hit of weed and I just stared at him until he walked away. Next I saw him talking to a Turkish guy, asking how to say various things in Turkish in the most remarkably pretentious and obnoxious way "now,listen carefully,I want you to tell me how to say this in Turkish, how to askthe question I'm going to ask you, are you ready, the question is...." and the Turkish guy who was appparently really nice kept telling him how until he asked something about ISIS and bombs and the Turkish guy was WHATTHEFUCK and screamed at him to leave too.

Eventually he went down the stairs into the station (if you know the city this is the little gazebo on the south-east side of the Park right off 14th st & union sq east/university where you enter the station, we were posted up right by the rails on some chairs underneath the gazebo) doing this weird little autistic shake-it-off dance and said to me as he was leaving "sad to say we are both going the same place." I have no idea what the fuck he meant by that (Hell? lol) even now that it's been a while and I've slept it off.

TL;DR autistic alcoholic in his early 20's trying to fit in with bums on the street and failing miserably managed to escape with his life