What if DSP actually opened an authentic Italian restaurant? - All your Phil, are belong to Ramsay.

[Wilhelm Bittrich]

Before I would eat at a restaurant run by "I punch my meat with my right hand" Burnell, I'd rather eat a 1945 C-Ration which also was openend in said year.
I think the chances to survive that are higher than getting out alive from DSP's restaurant.

So the Phil would be one of the only times Gordon might juzt peace out? I think Amy was the only time he just fucking left, right

IIrc, Amy's was the one time he just left. OTOH, Amy and Phil would make a nice married couple, don't you think.

 

[Sparkletor 2.0]

I wonder if Phil would fall for the beginner's trap and buy all new equipment and furnishings for his hypothetical restaurant.

Restaurants go out of business all the time and have to sell off their stuff. Used equipment usually is still perfectly good. Experienced restaurant owners know this and save tons of money buying used.

Would Phil be smart and do this or would he pay full price for new stuff because newer and more expensive equals better?

 

[Abe Vigoda]

I wonder if Phil would fall for the beginner's trap and buy all new equipment and furnishings for his hypothetical restaurant.

Restaurants go out of business all the time and have to sell off their stuff. Used equipment usually is still perfectly good. Experienced restaurant owners know this and save tons of money buying used.

Would Phil be smart and do this or would he pay full price for new stuff because newer and more expensive equals better?

Is this even a question? Has Phil ever bought something used/generic when a new, more expensive option is available? This is Phil “Buyer’s Market for Cars” Burnell.

 

[BTK]

• Very first image of an Italian with a pizza he found on Google

• It's that one. I give up on trying to fix the formatting so the bullet point doesn't apply to my response. I'm too hungry to figure out what I'm doing.

I wonder if Phil would fall for the beginner's trap and buy all new equipment and furnishings for his hypothetical restaurant.

Restaurants go out of business all the time and have to sell off their stuff. Used equipment usually is still perfectly good. Experienced restaurant owners know this and save tons of money buying used.

Would Phil be smart and do this or would he pay full price for new stuff because newer and more expensive equals better?

You hahnestly think he'd pay for any of it? Or do you mean "pay" as in use the donated funds for?

"Alright you guys, I'm opening up a restaurant but I need some equipment like a microwave and a refrigerator. Now, logically, if you're a logical thinking adult human being with a mature working brain, you understand that I can't buy that equipment because of my taxes, my condo situation in Connecticut, I took off a couple of days last week because of my allergies... So I'm really gonna need your help. Remember that tipping is the preferred method because I get that money straight away and I can go on Autistic Adult Friday (my day off where I do everything I can't do because of my schedule that I make up myself but fuck logic) to buy all that stuff, okay? *wet snort* So let's have a chill hardcore donation season and let's reach that goal of a new 4k 1080p microwave oven for Burnelli's Authentic Italian Kitchen, where you always feel like you're home and you owe me rent."

 

[Kosher Dill]

Okay everyone, hello hello hello. Before we get started, I want to address some misconceptions being spread on Yelp by detractors. So! As some of you may know, in May 2019 I held a contest, okay? You put your name and email address in this jar, and at the end of the month I draw out a winner, and they win a free item from Burnelli's. Look, here's the ad, right here, you can see the pizza box and everything. "You've tried the best, now try the rest", one of my long-time fans designed it for me. Pretty sweet, right?
ANYWAY, I hold the drawing and email the winner, and they send me their info so I can send over their prize. I even hand-autograph the pizza box with this Sharpie, see? Like this, Filippo Brunelleschi, that's my full Italian name. But I digress. All right! So I pack up the box, right, tape it up real good, and stick an address label on it. Then this SAME GUY calls me back, asking when to expect it. Jesus Christ, calm down! Anyway just to get this guy off my goddamn back I leave Mrs. Burnell to watch for cust-- to watch over the customers while I catch an Uber to the post office, okay? Drop it in the mail, bup bup bup, head back. I even call the guy up again to tell him it's on the way. End of story, right?
WRONG! Fast-forward to 3 days later, this nudnik is blowing up my Yelp with angry comments about how the pizza box I sent him was empty! Um, hello? What did you think? Was I just going to make a pizza, seal it into the box, and toss the whole thing in the mail, and let it rot in the back of some fuckin' mailman's van for like 3 days? Um, have you ever heard of food safety? What planet are you living on where you'd expect me to mail you a fuckin' pizza? Unbelievable. Look at the poster again, you can clearly see the pizza box. It's right there! A lot of people are big fans of Burnelli's and they're just dying for the chance to have an authentic pizza box signed by me, this is Restauranting 101. It's called promotion!
Look, look at what this mental defective wrote. "I'm never going to Burnelli's again, one star." Well guess what idiot, you CAN'T come back, because you're banned.

 

[rizlajizzla]

I wonder if Phil would fall for the beginner's trap and buy all new equipment and furnishings for his hypothetical restaurant.

Restaurants go out of business all the time and have to sell off their stuff. Used equipment usually is still perfectly good. Experienced restaurant owners know this and save tons of money buying used.

Would Phil be smart and do this or would he pay full price for new stuff because newer and more expensive equals better?

Oh god. He'd be like the place on the corner near me. The site has an 18 month cycle: new owner, new Ikea furniture and stupid hipster decor. Goes out of business, tosses out all that now-year old, destroyed shitty-quality Ikea furniture. New owner, buys the same shitty Ikea furniture, slaps on slightly different stupid hipster decor, goes out of business, repeat. If you go to a cafe & see Ikea.... yeah. It's gonna do down.

 

[marlintan]

Oh god. He'd be like the place on the corner near me. The site has an 18 month cycle: new owner, new Ikea furniture and stupid hipster decor. Goes out of business, tosses out all that now-year old, destroyed shitty-quality Ikea furniture. New owner, buys the same shitty Ikea furniture, slaps on slightly different stupid hipster decor, goes out of business, repeat. If you go to a cafe & see Ikea.... yeah. It's gonna do down.

How is the parking there?

 

[NeckyTheThumb]

Fake, unless it's his old suit from 10 years ago he paid no extra money for but it still fit (which he also mentions for no reason).

More realisticly, he wears a shirt with either:

• Calimero (Italian cartoon fledgling), optional with his own beard attached like a shitty emote
• The King Of Hate (for no reason)
• Anniversary version with "10 Years of Penne" despite it's already year 12
• Very first image of an Italian with a pizza he found on Google
• Fan-motive with hidden Tevin references
• Black begging shirt

His pants are just pajamas.

Edit. My own version if the current Phil would run a restaurant:

When you enter the restaurant "The Burnelli", a location in mostly dull brown and gray (and Christmas decorations in mid June) it's filled with disabled guests and you question yourself if you took the wrong door. But it smells like authentic burned meatballs so this could just be an event. As you enter, the service wants to see your papers. Fortunately your name doesn't resemble a competing pizzeria or else they would ban you from this location immediately without explanation.

As you sit down and listen to the guests they all seem to make fun of the interior, food and even the chef, all that to the painful ambience music of Phil singing songs about thucks on the floor. While your ears bleed in confusion you have to wait 30 minutes before the service actually gives you the menu with the words "I have no idea who you are, but have a chill fun time".
The menu itself is filled with introductions, the history of The Burnelli, troubles with the place (even below each individual food) and how "Tevin's Burgers" on the other side of the country ruined his reputation.

There are tasties like microwaved chicken, red meat from last week, bacon sandwich from the floor and of course the homemade authentic Burnelli sauce which is a legend under all known acids. Some say droplets still eat their way to the Earth's core. For some reason every menu is labeled "special" and "authentic" but only get names like "Spaghetti #1" and "Spaghetti #2".

After another hour the service comes to you and instead of taking your order he tells you how to support The Burnelli, the exact several methods and then vanishes for another 30 minutes. Meanwhile you see a fat dude lean in to the security, who throws out a guest with dyed hair, the fat guy then goes on a tyrade about dyed hair, yelling from the last corner of the house in complete safety.

Finally you can order drinks and meal, but what you get instead is a completely different meal. The service explains that stupid assholes put up the menu and order this specific meal even so they know the ingredients are expensive and the meal hard to make. So the boss made an executive decision and limits the menu to "Ordinary Menu #5" , without asking.

As it turns out the food's taste doesn't entertain your taste bud very much. It's like the physical embodiment of watching paint dry as it's below mediocre, unseasoned, tasteless, joyless, tough and overflowing with salt; which is all you can taste.
You put that stuff away and take a good sip of "Detractor Brew", the cherry juice which makes nasty shit stomachable.

You ask for the manager but nobody reacts to your words, until you take your wallet to hand. There he waddles, the fat guy from before and snorts in your general direction, takes the money you owe him and states: "A customer has a complaint I won't adress, thank you for the money dummy" and vanishes with mentioned money plus taxes for each individual ingredient.

Again you can hear a ramble from behind where he seems to speak to his cook, but as you look around the corner he stands in front of a camera, yells and flails while loosing eye contact to the lense. It turns out it's a direct stream to the restaurant on several 4k TVs: "I received a message from a source I can't mentioned at this moment, nothing I could do, nothing I did wrong, nothing you did wrong. All I can say is I NEED YOUR MONEY or else I can't maintain my restaurant, just being honest here, not even joking. I also have to keep up my second restaurant, sure it's empty but the costs kill me, you know what I mean" which slowly fades away as you slowly leave The Burnelli backwards.

"How am I supposed to pay for my frahg band unless you TIP ME?!"

It's like the cantina band from star wars made up of various species of frahgs. They arrive on one long bicycle and carry gahlfing equipment. $10 per song, including fan favourites "Frahgs in da Pahnd", and "Who let da Frahgs out?" and let's not forget triple platinum "FRAHG" from Frahgout New Frahgas

Frahg, Frahg, Frahg, Frahg! Ooh we got a tadpole on 'em.
Frahg, Frahg, Frahg, Frahg! We caught the shit outta all the flies in the room!

 

[rizlajizzla]

How is the parking there?

I live in an area with no parking, essentially. Major EU city, cars are more trouble than they are worth, usually. But you make a valid point about businesses in general.

 

[Adamska]

So here are some of my thoughts on how Pig would fail to run a restaurant:

Dave will want to ensure he controls every part of the business. This is because he is an insecure and narcissistic manchild who would be terrified of having people maybe doing things he dislikes or doing things without telling him. That they would need to be paid would also piss him off, since he's a greedy shit.

Roach then will not do his jobs as an owner/manager. He will break out into buttery sweat the moment he goes to the front of the house and the customers choose not to pull punches with him. He would scared-laugh and waddle away in fear and from that point refuse to meet the customers under any circumstances, probably rocking autistically in his office in fear/stress. That means there's no one going to manage the table seatings, waiter schedules, and sample customer opinion to see if his dishes work.

He is too fucking lazy to do back of the house work beyond (maybe) making his diabetes sauce. This and the fact he's too cheap to pay for someone like a head chef means there's no one in the kitchen that can organize, sample, and expedite food. Pig is the type of dude who would also just get microwavable or pre-made shit and then lie about how it's authentically fresh No order, no ability to put out, and no fucking quality control. Also expect food poisoning and burnt food shavings too, since he can't be fucked to clean.

The menu would just be what's cheap and easy, which could be nice if it was cooked well. But this is Phil; he'd get people who can't really cook too well or quickly. My bet is the menu would've been mostly breakfast items barring a few basic bitch Italian meals as well. This is because Piggy only really knows how to poorly cook egg sandwiches, bad panini sandwiches, bacon, sausage, and diabetic sauce.

The only thing he would give a shit about and actually do is budgetary work, and even here he'd be a retard and fuck it up. He'd refuse to invest anything into maintenance, and be too stupid to actually ensure he has his food supply organized. So expect shit to get covered in dust, fryers breaking, and ovens giving up with no replacements until nothing fucking works... and even then it's shit he got from garage sales or something really sad. Also expect diabetic penne to run out by 7 pm during dinner, because Pigroach was too retarded, lazy, and shortsighted to ensure he had enough noodles, sauce, and store bought meatballs for the day.

He would treat his employees like shit and steal from them. Pig did this to his own friends, so expect him to fleece anyone who works under him while he scared-laughs and lies about where the money went. Since his asshole act is only because he knows he doesn't have to directly deal with people, expect him to be very passive aggressive and nonconfrontational with his staff, maybe you'd see shades of his pathetic peacocking though given he'd probably think being the boss gives him power over those poor sods. Not quite certain on it, but I can see him tantrum in the office, probably even make vlogs mocking his staff and hiding when they respond in the toilet.

I cannot highlight enough how hard he'd underfund his business due to being a greedy pig. This idiot can't even bother to put down money on his current business due to short-sighted greed, so this would just be more apparent. Broken equipment would be ignored until nothing works, rot would not be cleansed until the health inspector demands he do it or face shut-down, and he'd very reluctantly pay for the food and then upmark it stupidly so and wonder why no one is coming to this shitshow.

Italian restaurants are a dime a dozen and often saturate the market. Pig is playing in a crowded field and would very quickly be ignored in favor of other mediocre places, since even mediocre beats his bad ideas. Ironically, a Polish themed place would probably be more able to survive due to it being possible to make a good sandwich shop. Zampienkanki and Kielbasa would probably do better.

Lastly, I can see him very rarely tardrage at his customers and hurl abuse when annoyed enough, akin to him during the FGC days. So his toxic attitude would scare off customers, but especially employees.

Pig would hate himself even more if he actually was dumb enough to put money down and start a shitty Italian Restaurant. He'd never kill himself due to his NPD, but he might actually collapse into slumber in a scenario like this.

 

[Schmeckel]

This would be the time that Fred Fuchs makes his grand reappearance. He'd make the trip, casually saunter in, and take a seat. After ordering some real authentic home made meatballs and sauce, he'd politely ask to see the owner. Phil mutters frustrated obscenities to himself as he waddles to the table.

"Um, yes, is there something the matter?"

"HI, Mr Burnell. How are you?"

"Look, I have a shtreem in 30 minutes, is there a prahblem with the food?"

"You don't remember me, do you?"

"This is stupid. What a complete idiot."

As Phil turns to walk away, Freddy Boy says:

"C'mon..."

in that totally smug way he did in every SoKast. Phil immediately freezes, that voice bringing back detractor flashbacks. As he begins to autistically sway back and forth while trying to come up with an exit strategy, Fred stands up, drops a few dollars on the table, and walks out.

 

[Radical Goodspeed]

-Followup to the cook question. Phil clarifies that he wanted to own and manage his own restaurant, not cook at his own restaurant. (“...guy behind the scenes, maybe responsible for some of the menu”) madara_is_god almost went to culinary school

This I can believe. Only insane people actually want to be chefs.

Phil, you moron, you could have invested in some restaurant scheme years ago. Some other schlub would have wasted that investment, but completing the bucket list isn't about winning. Not only that, but restaurant partners are almost always fat greasy assholes that look like Phil and contribute nothing to operations except capital. He could have still been himself and become a respected member of the community.

 

[Pargon]

This I can believe. Only insane people actually want to be chefs.

Phil, you moron, you could have invested in some restaurant scheme years ago. Some other schlub would have wasted that investment, but completing the bucket list isn't about winning. Not only that, but restaurant partners are almost always fat greasy assholes that look like Phil and contribute nothing to operations except capital. He could have still been himself and become a respected member of the community.

And thank fuck he didn't. Can you imagine working at a place and some greasy schlub comes in once a week to piss and moan and upset the hostess and throw his weight around and put everyone in a bad mood and then harass the poor kitchen staff about how to cook the sauce right and then demand a free meal (cooked right away, of course) before fucking off? And then bringing his moll or his brats around at the busiest time of the weekend and demands the best seat in the house and they all make a huge fucking mess and you can hear his fucking goat laugh over everyone's conversation and he never tips because fuck that dood, it's MAI MUNNY.

Yeah I'm probably projecting a bit but he'd be a goddamn nightmare as a franchise owner/stakeholder.

 

[Kermit the Frog]

And thank fuck he didn't. Can you imagine working at a place and some greasy schlub comes in once a week to piss and moan and upset the hostess and throw his weight around and put everyone in a bad mood and then harass the poor kitchen staff about how to cook the sauce right and then demand a free meal (cooked right away, of course) before fucking off? And then bringing his moll or his brats around at the busiest time of the weekend and demands the best seat in the house and they all make a huge fucking mess and you can hear his fucking goat laugh over everyone's conversation and he never tips because fuck that dood, it's MAI MUNNY.

Yeah I'm probably projecting a bit but he'd be a goddamn nightmare as a franchise owner/stakeholder.

I wouldn't be surprised if in 5 years Phil just said fuck it and bought an Italian restaurant. In true Phil fashion, he'd overpay for it and the previous owners would laugh all the way to the bank. If the place were decent when he bought it, it would turn into a dump pretty quickly. He'd still stream, complaining about his employees being fucking idiots who don't know anything about the restaurant business which is why he has to fire so many of them, the chefs aren't making his special sauce, the waiters/waitresses aren't giving him a cut of their tips like he said to (let's be honest, Phil would be that greedy), customers don't like his menu because they're a bunch of detractors, the Yelp reviews are skewed negatively because of trolls and the health inspector who is threatening to shut the place down is a book smart moron (how was he supposed to know to change the oil when he didn't get an email?).

 

[ReentryPhantom]

I wouldn't be surprised if in 5 years Phil just said fuck it and bought an Italian restaurant. In true Phil fashion, he'd overpay for it and the previous owners would laugh all the way to the bank. If the place were decent when he bought it, it would turn into a dump pretty quickly. He'd still stream, complaining about his employees being fucking idiots who don't know anything about the restaurant business which is why he has to fire so many of them, the chefs aren't making his special sauce, the waiters/waitresses aren't giving him a cut of their tips like he said to (let's be honest, Phil would be that greedy), customers don't like his menu because they're a bunch of detractors, the Yelp reviews are skewed negatively because of trolls and the health inspector who is threatening to shut the place down is a book smart moron (how was he supposed to know to change the oil when he didn't get an email?).

...
Fast forward to 2025

Yelp!
Phil's AUTHENTIC East Coast Italian Restaurant
Renton, WA
Review Left by:
Leanna H.

1 star

"Let me start off by saying that the owner..."

 

[Salubrious]

I wouldn't be surprised if in 5 years Phil just said fuck it and bought an Italian restaurant. In true Phil fashion, he'd overpay for it and the previous owners would laugh all the way to the bank. If the place were decent when he bought it, it would turn into a dump pretty quickly. He'd still stream, complaining about his employees being fucking idiots who don't know anything about the restaurant business which is why he has to fire so many of them, the chefs aren't making his special sauce, the waiters/waitresses aren't giving him a cut of their tips like he said to (let's be honest, Phil would be that greedy), customers don't like his menu because they're a bunch of detractors, the Yelp reviews are skewed negatively because of trolls and the health inspector who is threatening to shut the place down is a book smart moron (how was he supposed to know to change the oil when he didn't get an email?).

That episode of Kitchen Nightmares has already been filmed; even the owners taking the tips because the wait staff doesn't deserve them.

Watch this when you have 43 minutes free.

 

[Anonymous Dimwit]

I wouldn't be surprised if in 5 years Phil just said fuck it and bought an Italian restaurant. In true Phil fashion, he'd overpay for it and the previous owners would laugh all the way to the bank. If the place were decent when he bought it, it would turn into a dump pretty quickly. He'd still stream, complaining about his employees being fucking idiots who don't know anything about the restaurant business which is why he has to fire so many of them, the chefs aren't making his special sauce, the waiters/waitresses aren't giving him a cut of their tips like he said to (let's be honest, Phil would be that greedy), customers don't like his menu because they're a bunch of detractors, the Yelp reviews are skewed negatively because of trolls and the health inspector who is threatening to shut the place down is a book smart moron (how was he supposed to know to change the oil when he didn't get an email?).

Phil's Wop Slop sounds like a "great" place to eat.

 

[Stoneheart]

whats an autistic italian restaurant?

 

[DiabeticSP]

"Yes, hello Mr. Banker. Now, I know I have two mortgages, business loans, a car lease, and roughly 17 maxed out credit cards all of which I struggle to pay. But I really think you should give me a startup loan so I can open a restautant. Now, I've never worked in food service, but I'm just going to own the restaurant, not cook myself. And I haven't decided on a location, but it'll be real AUTHENTIC italian like pepperoni pizza."


No bank on earth so help me god should ever give this man enough money to afford even six months of restaurant ownership.

 

[Sparkletor 2.0]

"Now, I've never worked in food service, "

FALSE!
Phil made salads at the mall when he was a teenager. He basically knows everything about restaurants. For example, Did you know that you have to hold the salad bowl when you stir the salad or it will fall on the floor? Phil didn't know.