- Joined
- Apr 22, 2015
No one linked the Chuck Wendig thread?
Bad writing - it's bad writing
- Thread starter Knight Fight
- Start date
Underestimated Nutria
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- May 2, 2019
Chris entered the lobby elevator. His extraordinary personal charms brought every pair of eyes to his person for far longer than he felt comfortable. Not atypically for a Khelgarian, Chris was just shy of seven foot, but very lithe: he never weighed more than one hundred and sixty pounds. His face was the face of a beautiful girl's, but he was most famous for the plain, unmarked beauty of his asshole. Like all of species, Chris wore a device that could perhaps best be described as the offspring of a codpiece and a speculum to display his charms to the world. Once he passed the age of thirty or so, and the effects of aging became impossible to deny, he would begin to display his asshole with increasing modesty, with increasing humility, with increasing self loathing and even shame in the face of the beautiful assholes of the new young generation of men. But that would be many years in the future; Chris would hold the distinction of having the most gorgeous asshole in his city block for a long, long time until then.
Chris noticed and nodded to his neighbour, Rheys.
"I am glad to see that you are better than you were last I saw you, my friend: your asshole is smooth, pink, hairless and taut, thank the Gods" said Rheys.
"I am glad of it myself," replied Chris.
"When I saw your face across the pavilion, I must admit that I dreaded our encounter. Our last was rather painful for me. I recall that your asshole had taken on an uncharacteristically beige undertone, and seemingly scored with thin bloodless cracks or cuts. I worried that it would worsen and you would never again be able to show yourself in pubic; but it was not to be, praise the Gods. Your asshole looks better than I have ever seen it look, and indeed almost rivals the untainted assholes of the NeverDefs."
The NeverDefs kept their assholes brand new in the most literal way imaginable: they didn't use them. Every NeverDef baby had its colon redirected to a surgically created orifice in the abdominal wall.
"There is no need to overstate your points, Rheys. I was constipated and bled slightly; that is all. I am better."
"But didn't you hear, my friend, that
Chris noticed and nodded to his neighbour, Rheys.
"I am glad to see that you are better than you were last I saw you, my friend: your asshole is smooth, pink, hairless and taut, thank the Gods" said Rheys.
"I am glad of it myself," replied Chris.
"When I saw your face across the pavilion, I must admit that I dreaded our encounter. Our last was rather painful for me. I recall that your asshole had taken on an uncharacteristically beige undertone, and seemingly scored with thin bloodless cracks or cuts. I worried that it would worsen and you would never again be able to show yourself in pubic; but it was not to be, praise the Gods. Your asshole looks better than I have ever seen it look, and indeed almost rivals the untainted assholes of the NeverDefs."
The NeverDefs kept their assholes brand new in the most literal way imaginable: they didn't use them. Every NeverDef baby had its colon redirected to a surgically created orifice in the abdominal wall.
"There is no need to overstate your points, Rheys. I was constipated and bled slightly; that is all. I am better."
"But didn't you hear, my friend, that
- Joined
- Oct 6, 2014
How 'bout that chick who got her One Direction pornfic published and made into a movie?
www.wattpad.com
I know fanfiction is an obvious choice for this thread, but since this is being sold by Simon and Schuster for some reason I think it's fair game.
After - Anna Todd - Wattpad
Tessa Young is an 18 year old college student with a simple life, excellent grades, and a sweet boyfriend. She always has things planned out ahead of time, unt...
- Joined
- Feb 17, 2017
This one is tongue-in-cheek making fun of really bad fanfiction. It's hard to read, but I remember it being funny in 2010. Click and zoom to read.
Also just wanted to add: 98% of writing that's in 1st person, 70% that's in 2nd person, and 90% of all present-tense is ass.
Also just wanted to add: 98% of writing that's in 1st person, 70% that's in 2nd person, and 90% of all present-tense is ass.
- Joined
- May 8, 2013
Ready Player One is an absolute treasure trove of bad writing that I deliberately put myself through just so I could say I had borne witness to it with my own eyes. I do (very cynically) understand why it was popular, but... how could anyone have read the following and thought, yeah, this is a well-written book. It isn't. It's a string of references meant to tickle your ego because you're part of the "in-crowd" who gets it. I understand that Armada is even worse but haven't endured that myself, only listened to extracts on 372 Pages.
Where do I even begin...? It's just so much autism I don't know what to make of it.
By the way, if I can shill for a moment, if you're interested in laughing at really bad writing, I'd totally recommend 372 Pages We'll Never Get Back. It's a podcast by Mike Nelson (of MST3K fame) and one of his co-writers for RiffTrax reading through various bad books and laughing at them. I'm currently listening to their discussion of TekWar by William Shatner.
Where do I even begin...? It's just so much autism I don't know what to make of it.
By the way, if I can shill for a moment, if you're interested in laughing at really bad writing, I'd totally recommend 372 Pages We'll Never Get Back. It's a podcast by Mike Nelson (of MST3K fame) and one of his co-writers for RiffTrax reading through various bad books and laughing at them. I'm currently listening to their discussion of TekWar by William Shatner.
- Joined
- Apr 22, 2015
Reminds me of Bret Easton Ellis' Glamorama but worse. Glamorama had an entire paragraph of just celebrity names and when I read that I was like "I am done." But this is just omega AIDS.
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2016
Jeeeesus fuck, it's literally a list of the most obvious pop culture references. It's not even clever at all, it's just namedropping a bunch of shit knowing the reader's going to recognize at least one of the things listed.
- Joined
- Apr 2, 2019
- Joined
- Oct 6, 2014
- Joined
- Jan 12, 2017
Given the overall message of "GO OUTSIDE AND TALK TO PEOPLE", this could've been used as a narrative to show us the narrator is fucking insane and a huge loser, but there's no self-awareness to be seen here. We're supposed to like him for being this OP player in his own terf and yet relate to him as well, and it keeps hammering it in that he and the reader are no different, but the cringe is too much to bear. It's this close to circlejerking that you can hear the heavy breathing coming from the page.
God, if there's anything the film got right, it's (mostly) eliminating the spergouts and just left them as Easter Eggs for the audience to point out on their own. And I got sick just thinking of that.
- Joined
- Mar 21, 2019
One of my favorite pastimes is looking through the various Undertale AU wikis and seeing how far these "Undertale" AUs deviate from the original game.
Power Level Sans:
In the world of Photo Negative Sans, the ol' funny skeleton now has a fetish for murdering bunny monsters:
Also, a lot of Chinese novels translated into English are terrible reads (even if I like the story), due to the awful grammar. I know most of these translators are working for free (and some of them most likely know Chinese more than English), but they can be a real pain to read.
Power Level Sans:
In the world of Photo Negative Sans, the ol' funny skeleton now has a fetish for murdering bunny monsters:
Also, a lot of Chinese novels translated into English are terrible reads (even if I like the story), due to the awful grammar. I know most of these translators are working for free (and some of them most likely know Chinese more than English), but they can be a real pain to read.
- Joined
- Oct 6, 2014
This isn't a parody, as far as I can tell.
- Joined
- Oct 28, 2018
Armada was shit, and this is coming from someone who actually liked Ready Player One. Cline indulged all his worst tendencies as a writer, so we got one long rip-off of dozens of other sci-fi books and movies and heavy-handed preaching about Cline's pet social issues, plus a Mary Sue protagonist who gets his dick sucked by everyone else in the story even though he's an unstable, socially awkward twerp.
The main character, a high school kid named Zack something or other, gets recruited by a secret government agency to fight an alien invasion because he's super good at a video game about fighting aliens (ripping off The Last Starfighter), and of course he gets recruited by the Space Force at school in front of his bully and his ex-girlfriend so they can see how fucking cool he is. It turns out that the game he's been playing and getting gud at has actually been all happening for real (ripping off Ender's Game). The government has known about the invasion for decades, and they've been carefully engineering all pop culture about aliens to prepare us for the attack, thus "justifying" Cline ripping off everything under the sun for the plot. Zack meets a sexy badass gamer grrl and impresses her by knowing what her tattoos are. He then goes out to kill some aliens and fucks something up big-time, but it ultimately doesn't matter because he's so good that they just slap him on the wrist and send him off to a secret moon base to kill more aliens. There, he's reunited with his dad, who got disappeared by the government to help prepare for the invasion when Zack was a baby, and gets hooked up with top-of-the-line gear and special gamer weed and meets a bunch of secondary characters we don't really care about. Then everyone on Earth gets drafted into the Space Force to fight off the invasion, including his mom and all his old school friends. A bunch of the secondary characters get killed off during the ensuing battle, along with his dad, and then it turns out the aliens were testing humanity to see how they'd react and want us to join their society, so they give us a bunch of advanced technology to help fix the climate and cure all disease, etc etc. Zack is pretty suspicious of their motives, considering their test involved killing hundreds of thousands of people, but that whole plot thread is left hanging, presumably for a sequel, and he goes off to date the gamer grrl and resume being an unstable, socially awkward twerp.
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- Joined
- Dec 14, 2017
I laughed my ass when I found out that Zack's last name is Lightman as it sounded like he was Buzz Lightyear's Jewish Cousin.
- Joined
- Feb 4, 2014
I'm not sure which is more horrifying: The descriptions of those books, or the fact they carry a 4-star rating...
- Joined
- Mar 16, 2019
I'm sorry, it has to be a high level troll with sockpuppets, there's no way.
- Joined
- Aug 8, 2018
They seem legit. Looking at the reviewers' GoodReads pages, they all have a lot of other books listed as read (one person has over 2500) and have done other reviews. Now, it could be friends of the author, but I don't know. I'm scratching my head on this.
Gangster Talk
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Aug 13, 2015
This book seriously pissed me off because it actually had a potentially cool premise. I liked the parts in the trailer park where he was scrounging around for electronics, the world they were building up where all of society escaped the dystopia that had become reality in a VR MMO was actually a really interesting setting and I thought they were going for something about escapism. NOPE! As soon as the kid wins his first victory he abandons the real world and the rest of the book reads like a 14 year old's fanfiction about Godzilla fighting Transformers and is nothing more than some idiot's celebration of surface level escapism and pop culture IPs.
- Joined
- Jul 5, 2017
Literally the funniest thing I have ever fucking read. This is from an actual published book.
"He entered her like a lottery."
"Then Torolf moaned, arched his back, and suffered from dick Parkinson’s."
"As Hilda’s buttermilk bosoms squished up against his granite abs, Torolf almost had a dick aneurysm."
"Her body was like a beautiful flower and someone was pushing their dick inside it."
"She parted her thighs in anticipation, exposing the soft pink petals of her clunge."
"In the distance, Hilda heard the fading sound of galloping abs."
"He entered her like a lottery."
"Then Torolf moaned, arched his back, and suffered from dick Parkinson’s."
"As Hilda’s buttermilk bosoms squished up against his granite abs, Torolf almost had a dick aneurysm."
"Her body was like a beautiful flower and someone was pushing their dick inside it."
"She parted her thighs in anticipation, exposing the soft pink petals of her clunge."
"In the distance, Hilda heard the fading sound of galloping abs."
- Joined
- Feb 2, 2019