I'm Writing a Series. - Posting this here is probably not a good idea, but oh well lol I need exposure.

[A Hot Potato]

Alright @Koresh, I finally read over your anaylsis.

Enlightning shit.

I will work on what you've said later, after I read some of the stuff you guys mentioned earlier.

First up, "The Thief of Always."

 

[eternal dog mongler]

The Thief of Always

Spoiler

Kikinumohinoji rollerskated quickly and rapidly down the street, a loaf of bread in her hand, which was stolen, because she was a thief.

"Nyaaaaa!" quacked Mururu-senpai, friend of Kikinumohinoji of ten years and had met her parents before. "You've stolen bread again haven't you and this is why everyone in Roppongi prefecture calls you the thief of always!"

And then Speed Racer showed up.

 

[A Hot Potato]

The Thief of Always

Spoiler

Kikinumohinoji rollerskated quickly and rapidly down the street, a loaf of bread in her hand, which was stolen, because she was a thief.

"Nyaaaaa!" quacked Mururu-senpai, friend of Kikinumohinoji of ten years and had met her parents before. "You've stolen bread again haven't you and this is why everyone in Roppongi prefecture calls you the thief of always!"

And then Speed Racer showed up.

The fuck are you going on about?

 

[eternal dog mongler]

The fuck are you going on about?

Oh, sorry, I guess I should probably use your characters

Spoiler

She slowly woke up, uneasy, her eyes gently fluttering. Her alarm hadn't sounded. Why hadn't it? It was set, and she had school today.

Waki remained in her respite. Cultivating her covers into a comfortable creche, she ignored the sunlight piercing through her window. The unease in her gut toiled and troubled and gave her a different path,

She rose out of bed and hastily made her way to the bathroom, where the contents of her stomach visited the toilet with the same speed. Something was wrong. Deeply wrong. She couldn't put her finger on it.

Departing the bathroom, her guts in a tangle, she saw a pair of roller skates on the floor—and then she knew. She was a protagonist in an autistic author's self-insert fantasy.

 

[Koresh]

Oh, sorry, I guess I should probably use your characters

Spoiler

She slowly woke up, uneasy, her eyes gently fluttering. Her alarm hadn't sounded. Why hadn't it? It was set, and she had school today.

Waki remained in her respite. Cultivating her covers into a comfortable creche, she ignored the sunlight piercing through her window. The unease in her gut toiled and troubled and gave her a different path,

She rose out of bed and hastily made her way to the bathroom, where the contents of her stomach visited the toilet with the same speed. Something was wrong. Deeply wrong. She couldn't put her finger on it.

Departing the bathroom, her guts in a tangle, she saw a pair of roller skates on the floor—and then she knew. She was a protagonist in an autistic author's self-insert fantasy.

Hey man, I know what website we're on and yeah, posting their stuff here was pretty brave/stupid of Cold Potato, but at the same time, everyone should have a hobby and passion project and the mods have let this thread live on long enough that I think we can safely say that they're fine with it. I get that seeing this thread pop at the top of Art and Lit might get annoying for some people, but it's only an extra 5 seconds to click on the list and click on the thread they actually want. In other words, Cold Potato isn't hurting anyone. At worst, people are getting a laugh out of the writing which is kind of what this website is for.

Personally, I think that's enough reason that no one should be shamed for sharing their harmless project. I don't think making rude comments is really called for and I think most people here can agree that going up to some rando and mocking them when that person has been open to criticism and advice is pretty autistic in itself.

Spoiler: In other words

I'm not saying you shouldn't post whatever or that you shouldn't be allowed to make fun of Cold Potato, I'm just expressing my disapproval. Which probably doesn't mean much lol

 

[A Hot Potato]

Hey man, I know what website we're on and yeah, posting their stuff here was pretty brave/stupid of Cold Potato, but at the same time, everyone should have a hobby and passion project and the mods have let this thread live on long enough that I think we can safely say that they're fine with it. I get that seeing this thread pop at the top of Art and Lit might get annoying for some people, but it's only an extra 5 seconds to click on the list and click on the thread they actually want. In other words, Cold Potato isn't hurting anyone. At worst, people are getting a laugh out of the writing which is kind of what this website is for.

Personally, I think that's enough reason that no one should be shamed for sharing their harmless project. I don't think making rude comments is really called for and I think most people here can agree that going up to some rando and mocking them when that person has been open to criticism and advice is pretty autistic in itself.

Spoiler: In other words

View attachment 937448

I'm not saying you shouldn't post whatever or that you shouldn't be allowed to make fun of Cold Potato, I'm just expressing my disapproval. Which probably doesn't mean much lol

To be fair, the second thing he posted was actually kinda funny.

 

[Kosher Dill]

So am I really going to be the first one to ask why the main character and her mom are named "Seething Darkness" and "Vanishing Darkness", or some such?
Just name your characters something normal like Yamada... or better yet, Smith.

 

[A Hot Potato]

So am I really going to be the first one to ask why the main character and her mom are named "Seething Darkness" and "Vanishing Darkness", or some such?
Just name your characters something normal like Yamada... or better yet, Smith.

That's just because I'm a weeaboo faggot really.

I refuse to change due to faggotry.

Edit: It's also symbolism for something later.

 

[Kosher Dill]

Edit: It's also symbolism for something later.

Captain Ahab didn't need to be named "Captain All-Consuming Obsession With Vengeance", just sayin'.

I say either drop the gimmick names or go full Naruto and give everyone an extremely on-the-nose gimmick name.

 

[A Hot Potato]

Captain Ahab didn't need to be named "Captain All-Consuming Obsession With Vengeance", just sayin'.

I say either drop the gimmick names or go full Naruto and give everyone an extremely on-the-nose gimmick name.

I plan on going full gimmick, for every important character.

This is just beginning of the story remember.

 

[Kosher Dill]

I plan on going full gimmick, for every important character.

This is just beginning of the story remember.

Fair enough - I guess the real question is, what's the actual genre of this story and who's the audience?

If I write a story where the characters are named "John Deer", "April Showers", "Jack B. Nimble", and "Candy Caine", people are going to expect it to be a kids' thing, or a parody of one.

 

[A Hot Potato]

Fair enough - I guess the real question is, what's the actual genre of this story and who's the audience?

If I write a story where the characters are named "John Deer", "April Showers", "Jack B. Nimble", and "Candy Caine", people are going to expect it to be a kids' thing, or a parody of one.

The genre is fantasy action-adventure.

I want it to be something that children would enjoy, but nothing that would turn an adult way either.

 

[eternal dog mongler]

Personally, I think that's enough reason that no one should be shamed for sharing their harmless project. I don't think making rude comments is really called for and I think most people here can agree that going up to some rando and mocking them when that person has been open to criticism and advice is pretty autistic in itself.

Yeah except for the fact that I got published.

OP, the deal is that you're a storyteller.

Now, there are many and absolutely infinite stories that can be told, but the first question in your head should be why, Why am I telling this story and why should this audience be listening to it?

The best advice I can give you is to read books that don't feature orcs, demons, nor elves, nor aliens, nor Japanese schoolchildren that are secretly 500 years old. The best writer is a voracious reader but your diet needs to be appropriate.

 

[Koresh]

Yeah except for the fact that I got published.

Yes and? So have I. So have many many people on this forum. I'd think that someone who's been published understands that being encouraged and offered helpful and honest criticism is really the only that's valuable and pointless jabs are really, well, just pointless and needlessly rude if not damaging to the process. Cold Potato is, well claims to, be reading the books recommended. They're taking the advice given as best they can. I don't understand what the point of "I've been published so I can mock those who are having fun" is besides useless onanism.

 

[eternal dog mongler]

Yes and? So have I. So have many many people on this forum. I'd think that someone who's been published understands that being encouraged and offered helpful and honest criticism is really the only that's valuable and pointless jabs are really, well, just pointless and needlessly rude if not damaging to the process. Cold Potato is, well claims to, be reading the books recommended. They're taking the advice given as best they can. I don't understand what the point of "I've been published so I can mock those who are having fun" is besides useless onanism.

Useless Onanism should be the title of the fucker's book.

I don't really give a shit about people trying to write, but I will call them out when they're fucking terrible at it. And if he has some sort of criticism about it then he will absolutely fucking love when it gets published.

 

[Koresh]

Useless Onanism should be the title of the fucker's book.

I don't really give a shit about people trying to write, but I will call them out when they're fucking terrible at it. And if he has some sort of criticism about it then he will absolutely fucking love when it gets published.

Potato is taking criticism well, I'm not sure where you see that they aren't. They have been told that their writing is beginner by many people and have just asked for how to improve. There is literally nothing wrong with that. Everyone is shit at writing when they start. You're not coming off as edgy or wise or a professional author, just as someone really insecure who needs to wag his cock on a beginner trying to improve. Go have fun jerking yourself off on your high horse. I'm done responding, I don't want to be in the way of your load when you finish licking your own ass.

 

[A Hot Potato]

Yeah except for the fact that I got published.

OP, the deal is that you're a storyteller.

Now, there are many and absolutely infinite stories that can be told, but the first question in your head should be why, Why am I telling this story and why should this audience be listening to it?

The best advice I can give you is to read books that don't feature orcs, demons, nor elves, nor aliens, nor Japanese schoolchildren that are secretly 500 years old. The best writer is a voracious reader but your diet needs to be appropriate.

Useless Onanism should be the title of the fucker's book.

I don't really give a shit about people trying to write, but I will call them out when they're fucking terrible at it. And if he has some sort of criticism about it then he will absolutely fucking love when it gets published.

calm down

 

[Kosher Dill]

The genre is fantasy action-adventure.

Then why is the first scene two girls chatting at the skating rink? Shouldn't you open us up with some fantasy, action, and/or adventure? Or at least mix it in a little?

 

[A Hot Potato]

Then why is the first scene two girls chatting at the skating rink? Shouldn't you open us up with some fantasy, action, and/or adventure? Or at least mix it in a little?

Hmm...

Perhaps I should revisit the idea of opening in media res?

I should also mention it is lower fantasy, versus high.

 

[Koresh]

Hmm...

Perhaps I should revisit the idea of opening in media res?

I should also mention it is lower fantasy, versus high.

It doesn't need to be media res, but it should definitely have a hook and introduce that the story is fantasy. Maybe the opening chapter is a flashback of some magical event that happened in the past, but won't make sense until later in the story. If the tone were more sardonic, I'd say pulling a David Wong and starting the story with a seemingly nonsensical tangent that is suddenly super meaningful later would be a good option, but I don't know if that'd fit your tone. A strategy that I used in one of my published things was that I opened it onto a really bizarre scene between the main character we follow and another character who would become meaningful later. In it, I established the bizarrities of the universe and the tone of the story and made sure to really establish the MC as one character type, then in the next chapter, I established it immediately as taking place at a separate place and time and made the MC act completely opposite to that type. The reviews I got received that pretty well since the oddness and suspense in the opening made them get through it, then the sudden shift in the MC's character intrigued them to figure out what the fuck happened between those two events. I'm only mentioning this because, from what you've told us, Waki's character seems like it'll be a lot darker, so maybe doing something like that will really flesh her out and make us want to understand how Waki who apologizes all the time is the same as edgy Waki.

Definitely don't open with that Ice Skating scene though, it's way too mundane.

Edit: I think it was in Stephen King's On Writing or in an interview with Chuck Palahniuk, but one of them said that a reader should immediately be able to identify a plot from your first chapter. In the excerpts I posted you can see this. In Roadwork, in those first two pages, you can tell that it's a repressed guy losing control of his life or maybe even taking control of it. In Lullaby, you know it's going to be about dead babies and morality.