Tess Holliday / Ryann Maegen Hoven - Beached Landwhale model, Body positive and social justice snacktivist, and gigantic fraud

[Exhausted Always]

Nice, welcome to the farms. Never been a better time to hate watch Tess - this year especially has not been good to her. Her man left, her career almost completely dried up, her coming out fell completely flat, and she looks like shit since she’s not only fatter than ever but between the fillers and her constant partying, her face has aged horribly.

Official story I think was that Nick went to Australia for three months because someone in his family is in bad health, but obviously a lot more is going on. Recently he seemed to have gone from cheating on Tess with mainly other fat women to mainly dudes, so it seems like his sexual tastes had shifted away from her completely, and he’s come out as enby so it’s obvious he’s all in now when it comes to the more cult like parts of the queer community. Tess has always wanted to look like someone who married a great guy, but Nick is a dumpster fire with serious mental health issues who makes no money, and it’s obvious that their relationship has always been extremely disfunctional.

Thanks for the backstory! I remember once her saying Nick sent her a dick pick (back in the early dating days) and me thinking...funny he sent one to my friend too

 

[rocknrollmartian]

So now we know exactly what it looks like when "size 22 supah moddle" Tess Holliday showed up to a job and began to pull on the clothing set aside for her. Which is exactly why she has no more jobs.

Of course, just like when Self magazine desperately draped some fabric over Tess in lieu of putting her in an actual outfit because nothing fit, lol.

Somehow every single size 22 in the world "runs small"! How weird.

 

[ADHD]

Tess needs to hit up Amberlynn for eyeliner tips.

 

[Water-T]

Other options she stands around at gas stations taking selfies like the dumb vain cunt she is.

I have a cousin married to a wannabe InstaThot who does dumb shit like that. Takes fucking forever to get ready to go anywhere because she has to do 3 hours of makeup just to go grocery shopping. Tales selfies EVERYWHERE. Worst of all, if they go anywhere near a fancy hotel, she will nag him to take her there so she can order a drink in the lobby and post pictures acting like she's staying at a $500 a night luxury hotel.

Trying to figure out where her husband vanished off to. Noticed he deleted his Instagram account.

Shit's getting serious now. Did Tess blackmail him into doing it? Is he paranoid that she was reading his posts? Is Nick never coming back? SO MANY QUESTIONS!

 

[lamp shade]

Of course, just like when Self magazine desperately draped some fabric over Tess in lieu of putting her in an actual outfit because nothing fit, lol.
View attachment 1043449
Somehow every single size 22 in the world "runs small"! How weird.

Holy shit this is my favorite shoot Tess has ever done. The desperation to put her in SOMETHING is blatant. How did she even explain this one? There’s pics from that shoot of her from behind and she was in granny panties even. I can just see the scrambling trying to figure out what to do to salvage the shoot. How was she not embarrassed into oblivion that day? I guess she probably lied to herself and said they didn’t bring the right size. Why didn’t more people call out the truth behind this nonsense? Oh man, the “fuck it, just hang it over her head” vibe is just the best.

 

[SnarkySperg]

Holy shit this is my favorite shoot Tess has ever done. The desperation to put her in SOMETHING is blatant. How did she even explain this one? There’s pics from that shoot of her from behind and she was in granny panties even. I can just see the scrambling trying to figure out what to do to salvage the shoot. How was she not embarrassed into oblivion that day? I guess she probably lied to herself and said they didn’t bring the right size. Why didn’t more people call out the truth behind this nonsense? Oh man, the “fuck it, just hang it over her head” vibe is just the best.

Don't forget that SELF is a 'health' magazine and the headline with her issue was 'Tess Holliday's health is none of your business'. OK, then why feature her? Fuck off. Honestly though, I'd never even heard of them before that so this wasn't the best first impression and maybe they were better before this, I don't know..

Confirmed for wider around than she is tall... Hips must be well over 63" considering the huge gap and the fact that the dress is not particularly fitted around the hips to begin with.

I genuinely cannot imagine that. My brain is not allowing me to imagine her width being greater than her height. It's so out of the norm that I can't.

I took the liberty of putting the pictures side by side for full effect. She definitely is only losing out on gigs because she got an abortion. For sure that's the only reason she's not being asked to model anymore.

 

[Cpl. Long Dong Silver]

Tess would look better in a standard issue GI poncho than that coat.

 

[theriddler3]

Don't forget that SELF is a 'health' magazine and the headline with her issue was 'Tess Holliday's health is none of your business'. OK, then why feature her? Fuck off. Honestly though, I'd never even heard of them before that so this wasn't the best first impression and maybe they were better before this, I don't know..

I genuinely cannot imagine that. My brain is not allowing me to imagine her width being greater than her height. It's so out of the norm that I can't.

I took the liberty of putting the pictures side by side for full effect. She definitely is only losing out on gigs because she got an abortion. For sure that's the only reason she's not being asked to model anymore.View attachment 1043701

Here's a few choice images to help. Focus on the width of her face compared to the width of her waist. She's huge.

Spoiler

 

[lamp shade]

Here's a few choice images to help. Focus on the width of her face compared to the width of her waist. She's huge.View attachment 1043710View attachment 1043711View attachment 1043712View attachment 1043713View attachment 1043714View attachment 1043715

Oh man y’all are bringing back all the greatest hits. I want to put together a “most pathetic Tess moments of the year” post. The “tribute to Anna Nicole Smith” was another fav. The video is so awkward and rushed. She panicked.

 

[rocknrollmartian]

Holy shit this is my favorite shoot Tess has ever done. The desperation to put her in SOMETHING is blatant. How did she even explain this one? There’s pics from that shoot of her from behind and she was in granny panties even. I can just see the scrambling trying to figure out what to do to salvage the shoot. How was she not embarrassed into oblivion that day? I guess she probably lied to herself and said they didn’t bring the right size. Why didn’t more people call out the truth behind this nonsense? Oh man, the “fuck it, just hang it over her head” vibe is just the best.

Yeah, I know I'm revisiting the Self photos when I'm sure it was talked about to death in summer 2018, but come the fuck on:


They literally only had some tulle to wrap around her in a half-hearted "artistic" way, lmao. Looks like a quick-thinking and panicked art director might've deconstructed a skirt or dress that Tess was, you know, actually supposed to wear on her body in order to have some visual interest in the pictures. Flesh-colored granny panties never look sleek and stylish and were only featured out of necessity. Utterly humiliating and ridiculous. This shoot fully exposed all of Tess's lies and delusions.

 

[Water-T]

This is just....sad beyond words. Not only can she not get the buttons to touch, but she couldn't get the belt to tie around her waist and had to resort to below her boobs where she is narrowest....and EVEN THEN, the belt-tie was barely long enough to make a knot. It's like when you have an overflowing garbage bag and you have to struggle just to get the damn thing tied shut. ON TOP OF THAT, just look at Tess' arms. What should be lots of room for easy arm movement on anyone else is running the risk of tearing the seams open just from Tess waving.

I bet good money that the minute that shoot was done, Tess had to have two people help her peel her hamhocks out of that top and hyperventilated (more than usual anyway) because the belt was restricting her breathing.

Any normal person would think, "OK, i'm obviously NOT a size 22. I need to either go up a few sizes, or go on a serious diet". But for someone like Tess, they just put it on, pray the outfit doesn't explode, and continue to lie about being a size 22.

 

[melty]

Of course, just like when Self magazine desperately draped some fabric over Tess in lieu of putting her in an actual outfit because nothing fit, lol.
View attachment 1043449
Somehow every single size 22 in the world "runs small"! How weird.

Haha you can see the puckering on the seams of the pink flap thing where they either sewed it in a hurry or it was meant to be a cheap curtain or another non clothing item. Wow.

 

[SnarkySperg]

Here's a few choice images to help. Focus on the width of her face compared to the width of her waist. She's huge.

Spoiler

View attachment 1043710View attachment 1043711View attachment 1043712View attachment 1043713View attachment 1043714View attachment 1043715

Oh no, I believe it, and I know how tiny her head is, I just cannot imagine someone with 5' hips. Maybe if I ran into her and saw her size in person I could picture it, but I just can't now.

Any normal person would think, "OK, i'm obviously NOT a size 22. I need to either go up a few sizes, or go on a serious diet". But for someone like Tess, they just put it on, pray the outfit doesn't explode, and continue to lie about being a size 22.

There seems to be a huge disconnect with reality among deathfats. I saw a story about one woman who got stuck in a turnstile at Disneyland due to her weight. She was so humiliated she decided it was time to lose weight and ended up losing like 200+ pounds. Meanwhile, I saw another story about a woman who broke her salon's chair and instead of thinking she should lose weight, she decided to make a salon exclusively for 'plus size' (read: deathfat) women with chairs that support up to 800 pounds. I don't get why some people lack so much self-awareness. Tess fucking caused an elevator to break down a few months ago and just complained about her own trauma and it didn't even occur to her it probably broke because her size pushed it over the weight limit. It has to be the narcissism.

 

[LetThemEatCake]

My brain is not allowing me to imagine her width being greater than her height. It's so out of the norm that I can't.

It's way more common than you'd think. Look around at short, very obese people with big hanging guts. It's likely most people you see that shape are bigger around the 'waist' than they are tall.

Waist-to-height ration (WHR) is another metric designed to measure health risk given it concerns the known risks of 'central obesity' that is, carrying a lot of fat on your abdomen. Anything >0.5 is considered a heightened risk no matter your BMI.

WHR calculator.

It's a nice add-on for risk assessment for people of any weight - you can carry too much fat around your organs and still be a 'healthy' BMI - as well as being useful when people who are fat and in denial of risk start caterwauling about 'BMI being bullshit'.

ETA: Looking at those Tess SELF pics, it's obvious they are shopped to shit in terms of both her size and the state of her flesh. They've made her upper arms, legs, hips and gut smaller, smoothed out her silhouette and airbrushed all her dimply flesh, stretch marks and discolouration away. Body positive eh. Guess it's hard to sell anyone on 'fat is beautiful' when faced with the nasty reality of unshopped Tess in natural light.

 

[Angry New Ager]

Yeah, I know I'm revisiting the Self photos when I'm sure it was talked about to death in summer 2018, but come the fuck on:
View attachment 1043720
View attachment 1043722
They literally only had some tulle to wrap around her in a half-hearted "artistic" way, lmao. Looks like a quick-thinking and panicked art director might've deconstructed a skirt or dress that Tess was, you know, actually supposed to wear on her body in order to have some visual interest in the pictures. Flesh-colored granny panties never look sleek and stylish and were only featured out of necessity. Utterly humiliating and ridiculous. This shoot fully exposed all of Tess's lies and delusions.

I don't know what the beige and black number originally was (I want to say it was an overskirt for something else that didn't fit,with ties that were supposed to wrap twice around the waist, and/or hang down long in front), but I pity the fool who had to smooth out her lumpy thighs and ass in Photoshop. That shit deserves combat pay. The yellow appears to be a multi-layered tulle skirt, with the top layer lifted up and draped around her, as she presses the skirt to her side with her massive forearm.

Haha you can see the puckering on the seams of the pink flap thing where they either sewed it in a hurry or it was meant to be a cheap curtain or another non clothing item. Wow.

To me, it looks like a spaghetti-strap dress that she ended up wearing hung across her front (with the straps crossed over to hike it up) because there was no way she was getting into it. That flimsy poly charmeuse/satin is a total shitfuckgoddamnit nightmare to sew, so in the kind of cheap fatgirl RTW crap available in a size 22, puckery seams are par for the course.

God, the stylist on that shoot must have fucking hated her, after going to the effort of lining up a wardrobe the sow couldn't even wear because she lied about her girth. I'm sure whatever company loaned the clothes was just fucking delighted at having them shown so effectively, too.

 

[mrspotatohead]

Yeah, I know I'm revisiting the Self photos when I'm sure it was talked about to death in summer 2018, but come the fuck on:
View attachment 1043720
View attachment 1043722
They literally only had some tulle to wrap around her in a half-hearted "artistic" way, lmao. Looks like a quick-thinking and panicked art director might've deconstructed a skirt or dress that Tess was, you know, actually supposed to wear on her body in order to have some visual interest in the pictures. Flesh-colored granny panties never look sleek and stylish and were only featured out of necessity. Utterly humiliating and ridiculous. This shoot fully exposed all of Tess's lies and delusions.

models are told to come to set in nude underwear. Those are just what she brought with her, which is why they are the only things that fit.

 

[Trombonista]

This picture is an amazing trainwreck.

 

[Punkinsplice]

Tess would look better in a standard issue GI poncho than that coat.

Real military issue doesnt come in her size. They throw you out if you get fat and fail to lose weight after all the usual interventions.

 

[Angry New Ager]

Real military issue doesnt come in her size. They throw you out if you get fat and fail to lose weight after all the usual interventions.

I was thinking that a woobie is the only military-issue garment that would fit Tess--until I remembered that she's probably about 69" around, and...man, I dunno.

 

[Stupid Sexy Flanders]

Yeah, I know I'm revisiting the Self photos when I'm sure it was talked about to death in summer 2018, but come the fuck on:
View attachment 1043720

It literally looks like it was supposed to go all around her waist, creating a "flowy" dress, but they just ran out of fabric half-way there and just gave up. How utterly humiliating and amazing that it didn't create some sort of self-awareness on her part. Is it any wonder she's not booking gigs? I'd assume everyone involved with that shoot would never work with her again after that debacle.