Tess Holliday / Ryann Maegen Hoven - Beached Landwhale model, Body positive and social justice snacktivist, and gigantic fraud

[America's Giggling Gigolo]

He talks like he's from some rural town where he'll get beaten up for being gay, isn't he from Brisbane? I know it's no Melbourne but it can't be that bad, can it?

and how creepy is it that Nick ended up feeling most accepted and comfortable at a "young peoples" LGBT meeting? I understand why Easy Bake Hoven wants nothing to do with him.

 

[MirnaMinkoff]

Tess bestired herself from her harrowing grief to get all dolled up with nowhere to go. It counts as moddle work if you don't have any clients and are only sitting on your gigantic ass in your nanny slave's living room, right?
View attachment 1065977View attachment 1065978View attachment 1065979View attachment 1065980

Lol, she’s really invested a large portion of her identity in being a fat model scraping the bottom of the fame barrel in the shitty burbs of LA.

Watching her body break down rapidly in her late 30’s due to her massive weight, shit diet and sedentary lifestyle is going to make her narc brain melt. She couldn’t buy her way out of the ass stomping age is going to do on for any amount of money. But if her fat ass is on a dolly on Skid Row she will still be an LA girl!!!

(Isn’t Jolene’s apartment like an hour outside of LA in a shitty meth desert town anyway? Couldn’t Tess afford a Harvard Park apartment? That way she could be a real LA girl and be surrounded by all those black men that supposedly love her so much.)

I really think Tess “I love LA” posts are aimed directly at Nick. Nick is also a loser who felt his most exciting attribute was being one of LA’s hanger-ons. If he had any sense he’d just post about how hip and fab Australia is and Tess would probably start packing her bags.

 

[theriddler3]

Lol, she’s really invested a large portion of her identity in being a fat model scraping the bottom of the fame barrel in the shitty burbs of LA.

Watching her body break down rapidly in her late 30’s due to her massive weight, shit diet and sedentary lifestyle is going to make her narc brain melt. She couldn’t buy her way out of the ass stomping age is going to do on for any amount of money. But if her fat ass is on a dolly on Skid Row she will still be an LA girl!!!

(Isn’t Jolene’s apartment like an hour outside of LA in a shitty meth desert town anyway? Couldn’t Tess afford a Harvard Park apartment? That way she could be a real LA girl and be surrounded by all those black men that supposedly love her so much.)

I really think Tess “I love LA” posts are aimed directly at Nick. Nick is also a loser who felt his most exciting attribute was being one of LA’s hanger-ons. If he had any sense he’d just post about how hip and fab Australia is and Tess would probably start packing her bags.

She would never move to Brisbane. The culture in AUS is much less PC and she would get mocked for her fat ass in public more than she is in LA. The passive aggressive PC bullshit culture of LA is really where she needs to be to keep up her delusions. Despite LA being seen as glamorous (lol), it really is a paradise for all sorts of weird fringe communities like fatasses. Everything about Tess screams LA transplant. Especially her obnoxious voice.

 

[Maggots on a Train v2]

He regales us with stories of his heroic efforts to find an AA group that will give him asspats
View attachment 1064856

Imagine being some miserable middle-aged drunk just trying to sober up and get functional again, and this unemployed, shiftless, kid-abandoning asshole shows up to your group.

 

[America's Giggling Gigolo]

Tess, does it ever bother you to know your ex-husband is on reddit daily, complimenting trannies on how nice their lips and face are? Did he ever pay you the same courtesies? Do you ever feel like an idiot for being conned into marriage with a clearly homosexual man? Does it bother you to see him post one day about how his children (who he's "separated" from - he makes it sound like he's some kind of martyr that's been exiled) are his entire world-- then two weeks later post that he'd hire a hitman to put himself out of his own misery if he could?

 

[Angry New Ager]

and how creepy is it that Nick ended up feeling most accepted and comfortable at a "young peoples" LGBT meeting? I understand why Easy Bake Hoven wants nothing to do with him.

He feels more comfortable at young people's meetings because the members are still young and loledgy enough to think he's cool and buy into his bullshit. Older people know better, and would call him out.

Imagine being some miserable middle-aged drunk just trying to sober up and get functional again, and this unemployed, shiftless, kid-abandoning asshole shows up to your group.

Hate to break it to you, but most miserable, middle-aged drunks who end up in AA meetings are at least equivalent to shiftless, unemployed, kid-abandoning assholes like Nick--and many are a lot worse.

If you've ended up in AA in middle age, it's not because you're a lovely person who just happens to drink too much; alcoholics, like any addicts, are chronic liars who always put their addiction first. Some are more charming about it than others, or are better-behaved in their "good" moments, but they're still addicts, they still betray and do damage to the people around them, and they still lie. And that doesn't change automatically once they decide to do something about their drinking.

 

[rocknrollmartian]

Oh, I never expected any type of interesting drama or secrets that could actually be exploited for fame or profit.

Eh, I thought there might be some graphic feeder-fodder nudes leaked.

I definitely didn't expect a big publication to feature anything about these two losers. Tess was sub-D-list even at the pinnacle of her "career." Her Cosmo and Self covers were the equivalent of "very special episodes," indulgent displays of misguided wokeness and not about fashion or beauty at all.

 

[Water-T]

It says more about Tess than it does about men that stable men avoid her like the plague.

The only stable man that Tess will ever meet is the one that will take her to barn and put a bolt gun between her eyes when she's too old and fat to produce milk or birth calfs.

 

[JambledUpWords]

Tess decided to dress as a holiday ham this year.

 

[multiverse]

View attachment 1067178View attachment 1067177
Tess decided to dress as a holiday ham this year.

Unable to book any real work, Tess's only income currently comes from #spon ads on Instagram. Here, she lies on Jolene's living room floor, covered by cloth straining at every seam to the point it's see through. Note that the skirt cannot wrap around her, leaving her right hip bare. PLT is a low end online brand that only goes up to 22. Tess does not fit a 22. I can't find the dress on the PLT website, but it looks like it's made from the same cloth as this one. I imagine it is supposed to fully cover at least your hips.




And why is she doing this? Well, Nick admits that they're both broke. He couldn't afford to fly back to LA, and infers that they had some kind of recent financial crisis (well, no one having a job, never paying rent, and getting evicted is kind of a no brainer there, Nick). So Nick is still moping about Brisbane, lurking LGBT youth AA meetings to prey on vulnerable young people, hoping Tess will send him a plane ticket or cash. Meanwhile, Tess is equally hoping he will send HER money. These two bums, I swear. Hiw much do you want to bet that when Rylee turns 14 this year, they have him get a work permit and start forking over his paychecks from busing tables or washing dishes?

 

[Flawmil]

Unable to book any real work, Tess's only income currently comes from #spon ads on Instagram. Here, she lies on Jolene's living room floor, covered by cloth straining at every seam to the point it's see through. Note that the skirt cannot wrap around her, leaving her right hip bare. PLT is a low end online brand that only goes up to 22. Tess does not fit a 22. I can't find the dress on the PLT website, but it looks like it's made from the same cloth as this one. I imagine it is supposed to fully cover at least your hips.
View attachment 1067183



And why is she doing this? Well, Nick admits that they're both broke. He couldn't afford to fly back to LA, and infers that they had some kind of recent financial crisis (well, no one having a job, never paying rent, and getting evicted is kind of a no brainer there, Nick). So Nick is still moping about Brisbane, lurking LGBT youth AA meetings to prey on vulnerable young people, hoping Tess will send him a plane ticket or cash. Meanwhile, Tess is equally hoping he will send HER money. These two bums, I swear. Hiw much do you want to bet that when Rylee turns 14 this year, they have him get a work permit and start forking over his paychecks from busing tables or washing dishes?
View attachment 1067181View attachment 1067182

Under serious financial strain but she gets her nails done, hair and makeup professionally done and drives two hours to get her brows waxed, plus all the “self care” facials and products. She insists it’s part of her “job”, what job?

 

[tiggles]

She is dangling that budget bag from amazon like it’s a Judith Leiber. The second that thing hits a door frame the rhinestones are going to go flying off. At least she can stow glue in it I suppose.

 

[Umaibae]

Tess forced herself out of the house. Priorities, u know...

View attachment 1063010

First, why the fuck is that nail curling so much??? That should not be happening.

Tess's nailist is based in Valley Village, making this, at minimum, a 1.5 hour drive from Tess's current domicile (AKA House of Jolene) in OC with normal driving conditions. With very bad traffic, that could be 2 hours.

I can't figure out what this nailist would consider this "art," under her pricing scheme, but this cost as little as $90 to as much as $130. (See here.)

This is what also makes LA such an unmitigated hellhole. (Don’t get me wrong there are amazing cities all over CA, but I’d chose hellhole MS over a shitty one bedroom in LA. At least in MS I could move somewhere and only have to talk to squirrels, which are better company than 95% of LA’s residents.) The City is just full of people so desperate to be famous or near fame, so desperate to convince you how glamorous and fabulous their life is while sucking off old dudes to make rent in a roach infested bedsit.

Nathaniel West’s “Day of the Locust” is just as true today as it was in 1939.

Tess embodies the very worst of LA. A fat neglectful single mom of two kids who is living in a crappy one bedroom apt (with 4 ppl) wasting money or hustling for beauty treatments or other things that read as glamorous or luxurious so she can pimp herself to get just a little more exposure or fame. Her life is the opposite of glamorous, it’s low rent and pathetic, but as long as she can sell try to sell the opposite image on IG it’s all good!

She’s the worst case scenario of capitalism- consuming and image are her entire existence. LA is the perfect city for her fupa slug trail.



I’ll never get over having a big, honking 60 inch massive TV screen above a mantel. Tacky as fuck, but even this house is way above Tess’s current standard of living.

The irony is Tess’s dreams of fame and food addiction have left these kids envious of how well kids in Englewood live.

Dunno what your beef is with LA, as you regularly shit on it in this thread. 90% of LA are normal ass folks just living their lives and trying to get by. Fame chasers and failed celebrities don't last long there, and they're such a fraction of the population. In all my life there, I never met a single person like you described. Don't let Two Ton Tess allow you to pass judgement on 15 milllion people.

Also, it's Inglewood. Englewood is in Colorado. And Inglewood actually has very nice areas that have been home to upper class Blacks for decades, but it's becoming fully gentrified because of the new stadium.

Finally, Jolene doesn't live in some meth riddled desert town. She's lives in a perfectly nice, normal Orange County suburb, where many middle class folk live. Meth towns are San Bernardino, Riverside, the actual desert, etc. OC is largely middle to lower middle class.

 

[Water-T]

And why is she doing this? Well, Nick admits that they're both broke. He couldn't afford to fly back to LA, and infers that they had some kind of recent financial crisis (well, no one having a job, never paying rent, and getting evicted is kind of a no brainer there, Nick). So Nick is still moping about Brisbane, lurking LGBT youth AA meetings to prey on vulnerable young people, hoping Tess will send him a plane ticket or cash. Meanwhile, Tess is equally hoping he will send HER money. These two bums, I swear. Hiw much do you want to bet that when Rylee turns 14 this year, they have him get a work permit and start forking over his paychecks from busing tables or washing dishes?

Gosh - maybe Tess could have afforded a plane ticket if she hadn't been out partying and drinking almost every night in hopes of being "seen". Of course, we all know that Tess places more priority on living the Casey Anthony life than on her kids or husband.

 

[Daddy's Little Kitten]

At least her kids are dead on the inside, unlike Casey's.

 

[BIG DADDY]

First, why the fuck is that nail curling so much??? That should not be happening.

Tess's nailist is based in Valley Village, making this, at minimum, a 1.5 hour drive from Tess's current domicile (AKA House of Jolene) in OC with normal driving conditions. With very bad traffic, that could be 2 hours.

I can't figure out what this nailist would consider this "art," under her pricing scheme, but this cost as little as $90 to as much as $130. (See here.)



Dunno what your beef is with LA, as you regularly shit on it in this thread. 90% of LA are normal ass folks just living their lives and trying to get by. Fame chasers and failed celebrities don't last long there, and they're such a fraction of the population. In all my life there, I never met a single person like you described. Don't let Two Ton Tess allow you to pass judgement on 15 milllion people.

Also, it's Inglewood. Englewood is in Colorado. And Inglewood actually has very nice areas that have been home to upper class Blacks for decades, but it's becoming fully gentrified because of the new stadium.

Finally, Jolene doesn't live in some meth riddled desert town. She's lives in a perfectly nice, normal Orange County suburb, where many middle class folk live. Meth towns are San Bernardino, Riverside, the actual desert, etc. OC is largely middle to lower middle class.

Maybe they listen to a little too much John and Ken, but I do think a lot more dumpster fire, Hollywood/influencer wannabes live in LA compared with other cities. It’s weird to me you haven’t met people like her, because I feel like everyone in sourthern California knows these transplants who come from buttfuck nowhere, running from mediocre, broken families, and they try way too hard to make it but usually end up moving inland or going back out of state. You say fame chasers don’t last long but I’ve definitely seen people try to hang on for years - usually people like Tess who actually got some other sort of chance at one point, like an actual job in the field or moment in the spotlight. But their career never advances because the entertainment industry is fickle and shitty, so they just go in debt or squat while getting foreclosed on, putting their hopes that the next temp job or internship will lead somewhere.

I agree with you about Orange County though.

Edit: and lol about Tess making such salty posts about stable men while it sounds like her own spending habits caused Nick to not be able to visit. You can definitely tell she’s one of those people where money just flows through her fingers.

 

[MirnaMinkoff]

Under serious financial strain but she gets her nails done, hair and makeup professionally done and drives two hours to get her brows waxed, plus all the “self care” facials and products. She insists it’s part of her “job”, what job?

Tess has to drive so far because she’s getting these “beauty treatments” for sponsored posts or other in-kind trades, she’s certainly not paying cash or retail for most of them. She’s driving an hour plus in the hellish LA traffic to get to places that will do this stuff for IG mentions instead of cash cuz she’s broke...and bored.

While Tess might say she’s getting all this stuff done because “model lifestyle” it’s really because primping and preening is all she does. If her fat ass isn’t being hauled around for nails or a brow job then it’s sitting in an apartment with her kids. Yuck! Tess’s only reason to get out of Jolene’s apartment is beauty appointments and eating. Tess has no other interests except herself - i.e. narcissistic indulgence - and eating.

Going on long road trips for all this shit also keeps her provides many opportunities for In & Out Burger and other fast food garbage that Tess lives on. (I’ve learned that every super obese fatty in America lives on a diet that’s a minimum of 50% fast food, but usually closer to 90% in many cases)

It does amuse me that someone as fat as Tess exists in So California. It must be a nightmare for people that fat to exist in the heat of the summer.

 

[Dean Pentel]

Going on long road trips for all this shit also keeps her provides many opportunities for In & Out Burger and other fast food garbage that Tess lives on. (I’ve learned that every super obese fatty in America lives on a diet that’s a minimum of 50% fast food, but usually closer to 90% in many cases)

I know from personal experience that you're 100% correct about this. Still, I can't wrap my mind around how in the fuck myself or anyone else can think it's ok to live like this. I cringe hard when I think about that lifestyle, because that shit is just gross.

 

[Diet Coke 4 Life]

I'd go into how much shooping is in her stupid Christmas picture (like light hitting hair that's on the same side of her head at two entirely different angles, there being zero hair artifacts in the dark area that's supposedly hair atop her hid, her entire ribcage has vanished to make her a waist, half of her dimples are magically missing, etc) but I'd rather happily drink my booze and watch Christmas lights flicker than go over that shit with a fine-toothed comb.

Happy Boxing Day, since it's officially too late to say Merry Christmas anymore.

 

[America's Giggling Gigolo]

You notice there's no IG posts about the lavish, wonderful gifts she bestowed upon her children... because she spent all of her money on herself and her demonic L.A. dreams. These poor kids are screwed. If its not their mom, its their alcoholic, tranny chasing sodomite dad.