I feel very empty and have lost touch with who I am. I'd say I loathe who I've become but I'm too dispassionate to even manage that. I'm fairly certain I have a porn/sex addiction so I think I'm gonna try to be completely celibate for as much of 2020 as I can and focus on my studies, working, exercising, figuring out how to live a moral life, and generally cleaning up my act. I've kinda become a major tool and hate myself for it, somewhat because I suck, but mainly because I miss the better self it came to replace. But I guess being able to recognize that means I'm not too far gone, so cheers. Here's to an uphill battle.
I've also developed pretty severe insomnia and, more importantly, a phobia of sleep. Sleeping and the idea of sleeping fills me with anxiety. Outside of a weighted blanket (which I now have from Christmas) and alcohol, I've tried everything under the sun to help. I'm going to hopefully start seeing a counselor as soon as I can.
Sorry for rambling, but it's nice to put my thoughts out somewhere.