Star Wars Griefing Thread (SPOILERS) - Safety off

[Duke Nukem]

They chose the wrong kind of Asian. To cater to weeaboos, they needed a thin, delicate China rose (or Japanese or Korean) actress who’s Hollywood beautiful. Who they chose was a chubby Vietnamese woman who’s, most charitably, the hottest girl at Wal-Mart (while the potato sack and shitty haircut didn’t help, Tran is very average for Hollywood, even when dolled up).

I'm sure they would have chosen somebody different but I don't think the budget had room for anything else, considering most of this film's funding went towards Darth Syphilis and her delusions of making us all fans of Mary Suewalker. And yes it does look like they found some leftover uniforms from an Imperial space gulag and said here you go fuckwit, want that spare million we put to the side for the diversity hires put this disgusting thing that looks like it was stolen from a 1960s Chinese Army tent factory on. Oh and let's make you have a haircut more stupid than Princess Bunhead's in ANH was. OK I know it's classic trilogy and all but it's been the butt of a lot of jokes even in 1977 I'm sure.

Okay so she's no Victoria's Secret angel in her everyday normal person form, but Darth Ruin really fucked her over and Jar Jar kind of wrote her off in a way. Still got the worst and most undeserved treatment of all the cast, in many ways.

I do sincerely hope that it doesn't hurt Kelly's chances at future movies (non-Star Wars, of course).

Palpatine may be dead for good, but the real-life Sith still rule the galaxy now.

And even worse:

The talk of a potential new trilogy after this...whether the whole thing will be handled by Jar Jar or Darth Ruin remains to be seen.

I found all info on Palpatine's own shitty not-Empire. Apparently all of the people running his ships and shit are people raised by the Sith Eternal cult to worship Palpatine and the Dark Side and as such they're mindlessly loyal. They've never been in combat before either. Palpatine has billions of fucking sith and sith worshiping cultists under him now. Even if he dies how is any of this a win? What the fuck were they thinking? What does Palpatine even mean by he's all the Sith? Who the fuck thought this out? Nobody fucking wins, yet a bunch of ships start getting Holdo'd at the end of the movie and they expect you to believe everything will be fine?
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Also each of the Death Star Destroyers is powered by a miniature sun... This whole fucking book is nothing but plot hole filler and trying to give cheap explanations as to why anything happens in this movie yet only ends up creating more questions.

The victory at the end of ROTJ was believable because not only did the head of government die but his greatest weapon was destroyed again and even more money and resources were wasted while shaking faith in the empire and causing political infighting, but here this is not a political power, its a gigantic super-cult of sith spread across the galaxy who worship Palpatine and probably know all the means and secrets for becoming a sith. That's completely different from the secular and self-serving Empire with numerous moffs and admirals fighting for power. Sweet fuck, Abrams and Hidalgo really have no idea all the crap they've just let loose. Also according to these guides the biggest and most influential shipyard and weapon companies in the galaxy are run by sith loyalists or have sith infiltrators. There's sith lovers everywhere and this movie expects us to see anything Rey does as a victory? What's to stop one of these fuckers from performing some kind of ritual to have Palpatine's dark soul possess them? Fucking nothing.

The worst part is, the ideas and character designs aren't even half bad, but that's coming from a long time fan of the Sith and the Dark Side here. The armor kind of reminds me of the old Royal Guards from ROTJ and some of the spinoff games, but of course it's another wasted concept here.

The Star Destroyers wielding fucking planet destroying lasers is idiotic and overpowered, but the idea of a ship-borne superlaser isn't unheard of in Star Wars canon. The Eclipse Super Star Destroyer from the post-ROTJ novels that Disney relegated to Legends had a similar weapon. But keep in mind that ship was at least twenty miles long and much much larger. (Star Destroyers are about a mile long I think)

But yeah even as a child I always wondered "what the fuck happens to all the Star Destroyers and stormtroopers now that the Emperor and Vader are gone?"

I could bring myself to wonder the same thing in this scenario, but I already know that they'll be ignored for Episodes X, XI and XII in favor of something far more idiotic than we've ever been able to imagine.

 

[GenericReviewerDraco]

that's more rich, mike still has enough headcanon for new stuff (going by the star trek series), my assumption would be that they're just sick and tired of star wars right now, especially with most of it shit and people constantly demanding material for it.

narrating shit over a webpage is pretty common, heck most of the stuff linked here is just someone talking about an article for 30 minutes with opinion mixed in when I could just read that shit myself in a fraction of the time.


already did
didn't get them and now with disney in charge new run never ever

Mara Jade looks like this YGO archetype chimera based on Star Wars and the Wizard of Oz.

 

[nosemouth]

Looks like James Rolfe decided to weigh in with another problematic review. Its mostly negative and the overall gist is that he says ROTJ should've been the only cinematic conclusion to Star Wars.

Jesus fucking Christ, do those fat fucks need to be in every Cinemassacre review?

 

[ZehnBoat]

MWAAAAHHhhhhh the Force champagne has always.. been celebrated .. for its excellence..

We know a remote farm on tatooine, where mrs. skywalker lives; every july, moisture grows there...

 

[Miller]

Consider how lackluster all of John Williams' pieces for the recent movies have been. He's phoning it in and we can tell. I don't think he cares about the music anymore because he's done and redone the shit so many times that certainly the spark must be gone.

I don't know if he has lost his mojo but to me it feels like he wrote those themes based on a few descriptions about either a character or a scene.
The main example is Rey's theme, it doesn't fit with the character as portrayed on screen but more like an idea of what they wanted to do with the character, there's the innocence, the sense of wonder, the need to go on an adventure. When it's used in the montage at the beginning of TFA, it doesn't work.
The March of the Resistance sounds like if it was based on a temp track, it reminds me of the Droid Invasion theme except that the rythm is a bit off.

I have no idea why Kijimi is in this film. It looks like something out of JJ Abrams' Overlord: a WW2-era town occupied by Nazis. I could say the same for the Knights of Ren, except they're more like they're from Medieval times. Two very dissonant elements in what is supposed to be a Star Wars movie.

...and it really looked like it was shot in studio at the last minute.

 

[UnKillFill]

This made me smile.

 

[Duke Nukem]

Jesus fucking Christ, do those fat fucks need to be in every Cinemassacre review?

If you're willing to suffer with me through unbelievably shitty movies, I could care less what you look like. Also, they're kind of a stereotype of fans of stuff like this, so it works.

This made me smile.

This might be the best thing to come out of Darth Ruin's disaster of a film.

 

[Creep3r]

The worst part is, the ideas and character designs aren't even half bad, but that's coming from a long time fan of the Sith and the Dark Side here. The armor kind of reminds me of the old Royal Guards from ROTJ and some of the spinoff games, but of course it's another wasted concept here.

The Star Destroyers wielding fucking planet destroying lasers is idiotic and overpowered, but the idea of a ship-borne superlaser isn't unheard of in Star Wars canon. The Eclipse Super Star Destroyer from the post-ROTJ novels that Disney relegated to Legends had a similar weapon. But keep in mind that ship was at least twenty miles long and much much larger. (Star Destroyers are about a mile long I think)

But yeah even as a child I always wondered "what the fuck happens to all the Star Destroyers and stormtroopers now that the Emperor and Vader are gone?"

I could bring myself to wonder the same thing in this scenario, but I already know that they'll be ignored for Episodes X, XI and XII in favor of something far more idiotic than we've ever been able to imagine.

The costumes themselves actually look better than what the FO fucks are wearing and the Sith trooper helmet almost looks more believable as a combat helmet.

You're right in that there's nothing wrong with a portable superlaser in itself, just the fact that they recycled a Star Destroyer and slapped a penis cannon on it that can blow up planets with ease on a whim is just horribly lazy and then have it be powered by something like a miniature sun just to explain how a ship so small can generate that much power is insane (it was a bad move in the TORtanic MMO and even more so now since at least TORtanic's had a unique ship design). At least with previous ships with powerful lasers, they were gigantic and had unique designs that worked in such a way to made it feel believable, like the Eclipse. Also they could look cool as shit.

The old SW trading card game also experimented with the idea of a Star Destroyer having a Death Star superlaser installed but the only thing that could do on the limited power of a Star Destroyer's reactor core was maybe bust a small moon or just fuck cities or a small continent, but even doing that was a huge waste of energy. And though it was claimed it could blow up a planet in promotional material, its not something that actually happens during the campaign and its most like just imperial propaganda at best.

Its one of the problems the Disney films seem to have. Almost all tech seen in these movies is left unchanged with only slight alterations, like giving Star Destroyers a penis canon or giving them red highlights. The galaxy's hardly recognizable but tech is almost completely unchanged and feel like Chinese knockoffs.

The wonder was always one of interest, and when it was finally explored in the 90s with the Thrawn Trilogy I felt justified since it was exactly how I thought it would turn out. The Emperor's death led to infighting, division and loss of power as the galaxy rebuilds, but unsurprisingly former imperial leaders refuse to give up the power they once held. The Thrawn Trilogy was everything Disney's shit and Dark Empire wasn't, but hell it says a lot when even Disney's shit can make Dark Empire look passable and more memorable with its art and unique designs.

 

[The Great Chandler]

I'm not sure if this has been mentioned before but I was always confused by this scene in Rogue One. I only saw it once, but didn't Forrest Whittaker's character say something about how the monster always finds out the truth but can also potentially screw with the subject's brain? For the rest of the movie I was expecting some sort of payoff for this (otherwise why bring it up?), like he freaks out or makes a noise and gets them captured when they go to rescue Mads Mikkelsen, but instead he's just a bit twitchy for the rest of the movie and then dies.

It's a Gareth Edwards thing like that 2014 Godzilla movie he directed. Kills off a character that looked pinnacle to the plot and constantly teasing monster fights.

 

[XtrmGamr719]

Jesus Christ I was around page 1110 before I had to do my jobs for Christmas. Can anyone tell me ANYTHING good about Star Wars instead of having to go through over 150 pages of soul-crushing?

 

[The Reaper]

Jesus I did not keep up with the thread. 200 pages happened fast.

After seeing the film two points really stick out to me:

1. Did Harrison Ford ask to be uncredited in the film, and how did they convince him to come back in the first place? It was surreal to see him in the film.

2. Why did Leia suddenly become a Jedi grand master? The ass pull with VIII was dumb, but it didn't imply she was a super jedi, just competent. It completely ruins plot from VII. Why even go find Luke when Leia is just as good if not better than him? Also Carrie Fischer being so prevalent in the movie creeped me out. I thought we'd see her for one or two scenes, not as much as we did. It just... freaks me out.

Those were just two things that I wasn't expecting amongst all the nonsense.

All in all my favorite characters were actually the non-characters known as the Knights of Ren. I felt like they were a meta-commentary on how the audience would follow the movie:

They showed up, ready to do stuff and be a part of the movie but once the plot has set into its breakneck pace the knights very quickly disappear. As the plot speeds ahead they spend their time trying to catch up to it just missing as it darts down a different alley and they wander off to try and catch it in the next scene. Once they finally catch up to give the plot an ass kicking it is revealed how far behind they are as Kylo literally performs an ass pull to get a lightsaber. They then get decimated due to the sheer stupidity of the plot.

 

[ASoulMan]

You'd think the Sith Star Destroyers would resemble the ones in the First Order with their more up to date designs but that's not the case.

It just seems like a waste to make cool looking designs like the Resurgent-class Star Destroyers and then just go "Oh, let's rehash the OT Destroyers and give them all superlasers!". Stay consistent dammit!

 

[Cyril Sneer]

This made me smile.

All the BLR Star Wars vids are great.

YouTube

Enjoy the videos and music you love, upload original content, and share it all with friends, family, and the world on YouTube.

youtu.be

 

[ditto]

1. Did Harrison Ford ask to be uncredited in the film, and how did they convince him to come back in the first place? It was surreal to see him in the film.

I'm convinced they pulled a Carrie and CGI'd him in using cuts from the previous films, spliced together some old audio and sent him a hefty cheque for using his likeness. There's no way he was ever on set.

 

[Tookie]

1. Did Harrison Ford ask to be uncredited in the film, and how did they convince him to come back in the first place? It was surreal to see him in the film.

They dropped buckets of money on him and guilt-tripped him over Carrie Fischer dying.

 

[AGreatDipAtAFairPrice]

So, the Sith Eternal are former members of the Empire that stayed loyal to the Emperor and developed brainwashing and hyperspeed training techniques to create a military with hundreds of millions of members who will destroy the freshly restored Republic in a sort of "South Will Rise Again"/Neo-Nazi thing?
Why didn't they just do that from the first film onward instead of that lousy First Order thing with Snoke? The principal antagonist could have been the highest ranking military member of Sith Eternal, Kylo Ren, a Force-sensitive obsessed with the Emperor and Vader, the big reveal could have been Palpatine was alive the entire time and had trained Kylo Ren as Super Darth Vader. Then you go forward and you don't need Hux and Snoke and all the other stupid shit.
The first two movies set the last one up for failure so badly.

 

[Duke Nukem]

The costumes themselves actually look better than what the FO fucks are wearing and the Sith trooper helmet almost looks more believable as a combat helmet.

You're right in that there's nothing wrong with a portable superlaser in itself, just the fact that they recycled a Star Destroyer and slapped a penis cannon on it that can blow up planets with ease on a whim is just horribly lazy and then have it be powered by something like a miniature sun just to explain how a ship so small can generate that much power is insane (it was a bad move in TORtanic and even more so now since at least TORtanic's had a unique design). At least with previous ships with powerful lasers, they were gigantic and had unique designs that worked in such a way to made it feel believable, like the Eclipse. Also they could look as shit.
View attachment 1068569
The old SW trading card game also experimented with the idea of a Star Destroyer having a Death Star superlaser installed but the only thing that could do on the limited power of a Star Destroyer's reactor core was maybe bust a small moon or just fuck cities or a small continent, but even doing that was a huge waste of energy. And though it was claimed it could blow up a planet in promotional material, its not something that actually happens and its most like just imperial propaganda at best.
View attachment 1068571
Its one of the problems the Disney films seem to have. Almost all tech seen in these movies is left unchanged with only slight alterations, like giving Star Destroyers a penis canon or giving them red highlights. The galaxy's hardly recognizable but tech is almost completely unchanged and feel like Chinese knockoffs.

The wonder was always one of interest, and when it was finally explored in the 90s with the Thrawn Trilogy I felt justified since it was exactly how I thought it would turn out. The Emperor's death led to infighting, division and loss of power as the galaxy rebuilds, but unsurprisingly former imperial leaders refuse to give up the power they once held. The Thrawn Trilogy was everything Disney's shit and Dark Empire wasn't, but hell it says a lot when even Disney's shit can make Dark Empire look passable and more memorable with its art and unique designs.

I've always regarded the First Order as Chinese knockoff Empire, which is appropriate, I guess, because the whole DisneyWars trilogy feels like a crappy off brand version of Star Wars created by an extraterrestrial who doesn't understand how stories work. A post-Empire type of nation-state/military junta in space could have worked but it was not handled very well, not to mention the lack of recognizable characters from ROTJ to TFA. There's a seriously huge gap in FO's origins in the first place that was never explained, but it probably doesn't matter because it's going to get retconned out of existence anyway. The Sith uniforms and armor remind me of the Sith Empire from the Old Republic games and lore, and that's certainly a good thing.

While I don't find the destruction of Star Wars amusing at all, the thought of Star Destroyers all having giant penises makes me LOL internally. Maybe Darth Syphilis wanted to send a subliminal message about how male sexuality is evil and all heterosexual sex is non-consensual or something? Nah, too clever for our Dark Lady of the Sith to consider. And I'm reading too far into it to begin with. Jar Jar isn't that clever either, but everybody already knew that.

At least in the Eclipse's case a giant laser makes a little more sense, probably not a planet buster but that's hardly even necessary. Also, I'm surprised they didn't put a pair of spherical energy batteries on either side of the Plan IX star destroyers' cannons just for the lulz. But even that's too funny and clever for these hacks to consider.

Also, Star Wars technology advances at a snail's pace anyway, probably because tens of thousands of light years is a lot to traverse, and it's a pain in the ass to design new ships that Disney will approve of. It's probably not out of left field that Palpatine and his followers could have found a few Star Destroyer hulls and repurposed them for the Sith fleet, but the planet penises on them really do make you wonder why he didn't modify the ships further, at least on the outside.

Maybe he's really fond of a classic design that's been known for decades, and it's a well known symbol of Imperial power even if the Empire doesn't actually exist, and...

Nah, they fucked up.

They dropped buckets of money on him and guilt-tripped him over Carrie Fischer dying.

I can only imagine how that phone call went over. Han Solo is Harrison Ford's least favorite character he's ever depicted in a film. He's said so himself.

 

[Maxliam]

The fat asian girl was annoying but honestly the whole thing just doesn't feel like Star Wars. It feels like big budget fan fiction. The cinematography and horrible acting and awful lines and plot reminds me of Battlefield Earth. It was a big budget vanity piece for John Travolta and it bombed horribly because it was so fucking stupid.

Star Wars is not meant to be high level art. It's a space opera about good vs evil. Very basic, but entertaining, storytelling. The AT-AT's at the battle of Hoth are impractical both as a troop carrier and an assault vehicle. They aren't meant to do anything but symbolize the juggernaut the Empire is compared to the puny rebellion with it's ragtag group of guys with some cannons and small arms.

When they say that there are only 400 people left in the resistance against a massive Empire, it makes the movie utterly pointless. It makes no sense why the First Order would even bother with a group that isn't even a battalion of people to worry about.

In the original triology, even when things looked bleak, the story made sense. The rebels were smaller than the Empire but they were not insignificant to the Empire. They were a real threat and justified things like sending thousands of probe droids throughout the galaxy for years after they blew up their flagship of terror: The Death Star.

Luke is whiny at first because he's a teen who seeks adventure. We watch him go from being a careless kid to a young man who knows he has bigger things than adventure and excitement at stake.

Here, the Rebels seem like shitbags and I was rooting for the First Order to just wipe them all out. Also the casino scene annoyed me. The Chunk (fat asian girl) bemoaning how much she hates the place is just stupid. Then when they free one animal after smashing up a few tables. Making more work for the slaves and probably entertaining the wealthy people that were betting chump change (to them at least) and maybe starting a new tradition of trashing the place and having the slaves clean up.

Also the whole thing of Leia being space mary poppins was just laughable. I couldn't stop laughing and a lot of people at the theater I was watching it all started chuckling too. It's so stupid. Star Wars when a ship blows up, you know they died. You didn't see Porkins float his fat ass back to safety, He DIED!!!

 

[Doctor of Autism]

Jesus I did not keep up with the thread. 200 pages happened fast.

After seeing the film two points really stick out to me:

1. Did Harrison Ford ask to be uncredited in the film, and how did they convince him to come back in the first place? It was surreal to see him in the film.

2. Why did Leia suddenly become a Jedi grand master? The ass pull with VIII was dumb, but it didn't imply she was a super jedi, just competent. It completely ruins plot from VII. Why even go find Luke when Leia is just as good if not better than him? Also Carrie Fischer being so prevalent in the movie creeped me out. I thought we'd see her for one or two scenes, not as much as we did. It just... freaks me out.

Those were just two things that I wasn't expecting amongst all the nonsense.

All in all my favorite characters were actually the non-characters known as the Knights of Ren. I felt like they were a meta-commentary on how the audience would follow the movie:

They showed up, ready to do stuff and be a part of the movie but once the plot has set into its breakneck pace the knights very quickly disappear. As the plot speeds ahead they spend their time trying to catch up to it just missing as it darts down a different alley and they wander off to try and catch it in the next scene. Once they finally catch up to give the plot an ass kicking it is revealed how far behind they are as Kylo literally performs an ass pull to get a lightsaber. They then get decimated due to the sheer stupidity of the plot.

1, Harrison Ford got a shit load of money and it was one scene anyway so he just went with it since it isn't too long.

2. Because Luke died and Rey had to have training as a way to shut people up about the Mary Sue thing. Also the looking for Luke thing was actually because he was needed for the rebellion but because Rian didn't watch TFA, Rian made it seem like Rey was looking for Luke to train him.

 

[Exceptionally Exceptional]

It's probably not out of left field that Palpatine and his followers could have found a few Star Destroyer hulls and repurposed them for the Sith fleet

The only problem I can see with that is the sheer amount of resources required to retrofit that many ships, or create them from scratch. I mean, without a massive infrastructure, like the one the Empire provided, it's take many many decades to refit that many ships. You need mines, foundries, refineries, factories, droids and/or workers to staff all of them... I mean, the Empire having the resources it had made sense because the Empire controlled 1.5 MILLION planets with a further 70 million colonies and puppet states. They'd easily be able to amass the manpower and resources required to mass produce giant ships. And unlike Palps they didn't have to hide their operations. Can you imagine how hard it would be to relocate that many resources to Exogol without anybody noticing? And how hard it would be to keep anything from getting out considering that a Star Destroyer required a crew of 45,000+ personnel each with the included Stormtrooper ground forces.

It's ust mind boggling to think an operation that size, requiring that many people and resources, could be hidden even in a very large Galaxy like the one Far Far Away.