Is there a point in online dating? - Incels gather here

[ZeCommissar]

I met my current GF using online dating. So far she's been the sweetest, kindest person I have been with so far in my life. However we haven't been dating for as long as my previous relationships so it still remains to be seen. Anyway, I was on the verge of deleting the app when I met her.

I was done swiping completely, and we had matched earlier so I wanted to see where the conversation would go before I would make a final decision and....well here I am. We are still feeling each other out within these first few months, so this could very well turn into a failure or more success next month if you're realistic about these things like I am. We both are looking to make it long term

Now I know this is anecdotal, and I know finding an actual functional human being is more of a outlier than anything else online. Online dating was indeed a soul crushing experience of bad dates, lack of messages, and the general autism that comes with online dating. I had one girl bring her 4 friends with her one time, and another told me she likes being punched in the face and physically abused during arguments. I had to sift through a lot of BS before I could find the person i'm with.

I personally would agree that finding someone using online dating is more of a miss than anything. I would also agree that the best way to start dating someone is through hobbies, social circles, and whatever else in real life.

The sad fact is a lot of young people even with decent social skills lack decent hobbies, social circles, or anything outside of work and college. It doesn't work for everyone. My only real advice is don't be desperate when you're trying to use online dating.

 

[Surf and TERF]

I found my girlfriend through a dating app as well but it took years of mismatches before it worked.

The thing is, I wouldn’t know where else to meet someone because I have very little time for hobbies and even then, those meetups consist of the same few people.

 

[Win98SE]

The thing is, I wouldn’t know where else to meet someone because I have very little time for hobbies and even then, those meetups consist of the same few people.

Unless your job specifically has you working around other people, it's very difficult to make new connections unless you're truly outgoing. If you're starting from scratch in a new city or something it's incredibly difficult to break the seal on finding a circle to run in. Social media only makes the situation worse IMO - apps like Bumble have a dating section in addition to a "friends" (I suspect this is mostly gay dudes TBH) and business section. I think it's interesting, but the regular dating side of Bumble is such dogshit I can't imagine getting anything meaningful out of the friend/business side, and even if I did make some kind of crazy business deal on there or something, I'd probably make them sign an NDA to never bring up where we connected.

Overall, I just get a weird feeling about the commoditization of connecting people via an algorithm. At its best it can be a little exciting, but at its worst it's just an unending cringe simulator.

 

[Eto]

Online dating has its advantages, but it also has disadvantages. With dating online, you can potentially be more candid about things than you would in a real life situation, and you can find people with the same interests if you list it, or if you go to a niche dating site.

The bad thing is that, based off my experience, they can ghost you, or want to use you for alcohol if they’re on the younger side. Another thing is that there are a lot of people looking for either a friend, or for a third partner in their polyamorous relationship. Most dating sites have taken up the Tinder model, like OkCupid, where you have to swipe instead of messaging people.

Online dating has its merits, but it’s going to be harder, especially when you have sites following in Tinder’s lead. You’re probably better off going to a local meet-up, where you can size up someone and see if you resonate.

Oh, and I almost forgot. There are a lot, and I mean a lot, of single moms on dating apps. If her having a kid is fine with you, more power to you, but I’d rather not have someone who’s going to be distracted by a child.

 

[soft breathing]

After reading this whole thread I am not exactly sad that I've been in the same relationship for longer than Tinder has been around. Online dating (and honestly dating in general) sounds so terribly stressful now.

I wish all of you luck in finding your better halves tho - no matter if through dating apps or in Bars or wherever.

You can do it, Kiwis.

 

[Smooth Calculator]

I tried a couple times but the whole experience jus seem uncomfortable for me so I stay away from it

 

[Your Weird Fetish]

After reading this whole thread I am not exactly sad that I've been in the same relationship for longer than Tinder has been around. Online dating (and honestly dating in general) sounds so terribly stressful now.

I wish all of you luck in finding your better halves tho - no matter if through dating apps or in Bars or wherever.

You can do it, Kiwis.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a qt gamer gurl gf that's into cosplaying as Kraid?

 

[Ughubughughughughughghlug]

We need to bring back arranged marriages for us incels.

 

[snailslime]

most dating apps are just hookup apps. you probably have a better chance of finding true love on maiotaku

 

[FadeIntoBolivian]

I've had 1 longish term relationship (a year) that originated via online dating. For me, the ratio of time spent browsing to true benefit gained from doing so is astronomically lopsided and I imagine it is for many others, but I don't think it's totally pointless. I think the key is to just be realistic about things. In my city, there are a lot of really hot girls on Tinder. However, I'm not amazingly handsome/buff, and I'm on the below average side when it comes to career/financial achievement relative to my age. Therefore, just as in real life, there are not very many sexy 23 year old girls lining up to fuck me when they could very easily get someone with a more impressive window display, so to speak. Much as I wish it was the case, I don't expect very many matches on apps like Tinder because I know it's a complete buyers' market where success is totally based on what kind of superficial attributes you can effectively advertise. I'm a product with a niche market, essentially, so I just try to focus my efforts where I feel more confident they'll be rewarded and don't worry about the rest.

While I do think online has it's purposes, I've always had way more success when it came to meeting girls that I ended up actually really connecting with via school, classes, etc. It's gotta be by far the simplest way to put yourself in an environment with likeminded people - some of whom may be single, and end up liking you. The key thing is that it gives you many chances to make a positive impression on someone, and likewise get a sense of whether or not you want to bother finding out more about someone, vs a profile picture/description seen for 3 seconds being everything you have. The only downside is that unless you're full on Dennis from Always Sunny, joining a class specifically to try and get laid will always be sniffed out and end poorly, and there are only so many classes that one can pursue sincerely in one's life.

I've seen work be successful, in a sense, for lots of people, but that shit almost always ends up making things awkward and I imagine if you have a job where you make a lot of money/have lots of benefits etc, if chasing tail is going to endanger that you'd need to be extra stupid to entertain the idea.

 

[⋖ cørdion ⋗]

I found my girlfriend through a dating app as well but it took years of mismatches before it worked.

The thing is, I wouldn’t know where else to meet someone because I have very little time for hobbies and even then, those meetups consist of the same few people.

This. Tinder isn't for dating, it's the normie's Discord/group chat/socializing space/digital "public area in which to meet new people".

The dating aspect is secondary, but really, why make friends if no hopes of coupling?

 

[Fougaro]

Theoretically I'd say that online dating can work. Ironically however, I would consider the best place for online dating - at least from what I've seen - outside dating sites, since at the very least you will (mostly) avoid all the desperate roasties and creeps. Without going too much into specifics, I met my lady through online weebshit. At the moment of me writing this, I have no regrets.

This. Tinder isn't for dating, it's the normie's Discord/group chat/socializing space/digital "public area in which to meet new people".

I'd consider Tinder to be more of a societal septic tank. If the creatures that congregate there won't convince you that even God makes mistakes, I don't know what will.

 

[Your Weird Fetish]

Without going too much into specifics, I met my lady through online weebshit. At the moment of me writing this, I have no regrets.

What if you want a lady without a penis though?

 

[Fougaro]

What if you want a lady without a penis though?

Good question. I'm afraid that's where my wisdom ends.

 

[Argh My Cigar]

Yeah, I tried getting a few dates set up; most ended up just being awkward— a lot of girls venting about their job and whatever office politics were upsetting them while trying to score a free meal and some wine, and others I would seemingly get along great with, only to find out that they found me insufferable the entire time and were just being polite.

My co-worker managed to find someone through Tinder and he’s a short, nebbish Armenian boy. But he’s pretty interesting; he has aspirations to be a toy designer and actually interned with Hasbro. Really passionate guy.

 

[Surf and TERF]

My co-worker managed to find someone through Tinder and he’s a short, nebbish Armenian boy. But he’s pretty interesting; he has aspirations to be a toy designer and actually interned with Hasbro. Really passionate guy.

I think one of the biggest issues is that there is a huge imbalance in libido. Men usually just want to fuck. Women are mostly looking for a relationship. I imagine it worked for your coworker because he is the right mix of disarmingly nerdy and competent. He sounds like he has other ambitions in life other than getting laid.

When I dated men through apps, almost every interaction felt like a ploy. Any interest in my personal life, every compliment, and every attempt to buy me something seemed more like an attempt to get laid than genuine kindness. Another thing that spoiled it was the anxiety over my safety. Even if they mean well, it's easy for guys to raise red flags without meaning to. I was always very uncomfortable if a man tried to buy me an overly expensive meal or invite me into his car on the first (or second) date. There's a lot of risk in meeting a strangers from the internet who can physically overpower you. You can't trust them that quickly.

(And to be honest, I’m not sure why men should be paying for everything either. I never let them buy anything more than a coffee and the women from my close friend group are the same. Pricy meals just made me feel guilty and manipulative.)

Take my insight with a grain of salt. I'm gay and I was still in the phase of believing it was a phase at the time I went on these dates. I did find a couple men who were genuinely good people but it simply didn't work because I wasn’t attracted to them.

Women who actually experience sexual attraction to men seem to have a better time, especially if they have no qualms about hooking up. I lived with a woman who fucked frequently and dated specifically for the financial benefits. She has cheated in every relationship I observed but still gained money, free meals, a car and a free trip to Mexico. I wouldn't be surprised if most of rare, horny women on those apps are also predatory in this way.

 

[Celebrate Nite]

From my personal experience with online dating (I've been doing it for over a decade and majority of my past ex's are from online dating), if this was the mid 2000s I would say "yes, do online dating". One of the good things about it is that it'll help you practice your social skills, even to the point where you become a talkative outgoing person. In my 20's I NEVER liked being the talkative one and wanted someone who liked to ramble on about anything and nothing. To this day, i still want that, but I have no problem if I'm the one doing the talking most of the time. Communication is crucial, and when you find someone you can bounce back and forth with, it makes a good date into a great one. If you've immediately hit it off via messaging/text/phone then even better.

Now, however, I wouldn't recommend it. I certainly wouldn't discourage people from doing online dating, but I'd amend my support with a word of caution. First, choosing the site you want to spend time on is in itself more of a hassle than it used to be. Pay sites have the same amount of luck as free ones, even with the added perks. On the plus side, if you're on something like Match and you don't find anything within 6 months, you get another 6 months free, so basically you're using a site for an entire year while only paying for only half of it (hopefully your situation is better than mine and it doesn't come to that point). Like I'm sure others have mentioned on here, Tinder is a cess-pool, and in my opinion POF and OKCupid are not far behind it. In fact, over the years, OKCupid had removed certain features just so they expect you to shill out some sheckles to get them back (basically they are trying to be Match.com). Also some sites, especially ones that are just mobile apps, require a facebook account to log into it. Personally I completely stay away from those like the plague.

When you finally find the site you want to spend your time (and money if it's a paid site) on, communicating with someone is the hardest part. The reason why I began my post with "if this was the mid 2000s" is because back then, I was messaging all kinds of ladies and actually getting responses back, and with regards to free sites, you had a lot more "active" choices to choose from. MyYearbook was one of those sites for me, until it re-branded to "MeetMe" and turned into utter dog shit and basically became a popularity contest of "hey, heres 50 people right off the gate as soon as you sign up that you can be friends with. Some of them could be creeps/criminals, but who cares? You want a lot of friends doncha?!?!". If you're a guy, just immediately expect to be doing like 99.9% of the first messaging. Very rarely will you get spontaneous messages from a chick that's genually interested in you, especially if you have a lot going on in your profile. Speaking of which, even if you do have a nicely typed up profile detailing exactly what you want, just expect to repeat your answers. Personally I don't have an issue with this because a lot of people have novels in their profiles but as soon as you message them they give you the one word/sentence treatment (or even if they message you first it's the same thing), so it's better when you can find someone that can not only talk-the-talk, but walk-the-walk as well. For some reason a lot of people that do online dating have this "have my cake and eat it too" mentality of just making a profile and doing 0% of the actual leg work. Also be prepared to get ghosted after the first date... a lot. Even if you take them to the fanciest diner, pay for the meal (which you should always split the bill), and have the best conversation ever, there's still a 50% chance you will never see or hear from that person again.

The only reason why I still do online dating is because around my area, almost every chick likes to go to bars and drink themselves stupid. I hate drunks, and can't stand to be near or around them. I don't drink alcohol (its a personal choice, I just don't find anything appealing about it), so that scene is not my thing. So I do online dating to find someone that likes the simpler things in life and can enjoy themselves without needing to get tanked all the time.

 

[queerape]

Apps are too dependent on algorithms thanks to Tinder. They make so many assumptions that people don’t get to see so many possible matches. If only there were a turn algorithm off or algorithm free app that let you see all profiles based on specifics of age and location demographics you put in and you choose who you message, and let peoples on knowledge of themselves be the guide.

 

[FadeIntoBolivian]

From my personal experience with online dating (I've been doing it for over a decade and majority of my past ex's are from online dating), if this was the mid 2000s I would say "yes, do online dating".

Damn dude I generally prefer to have a girlfriend if I can help it for a number of reasons but like.. 15 years of online dating, with enough ex's that you can say "a majority" when talking about them. Sounds exhausting. I'd be thinking about just converting to some kind of fringe sect of jesus-based religion and marrying the first 7/10 church girl that wanted to settle down somewhere in Wyoming with me at that rate, or retreating to volunteer at a buddhist monastery for a year or two.

 

[Celebrate Nite]

but like.. 15 years of online dating, with enough ex's that you can say "a majority" when talking about them. Sounds exhausting.

That's putting it lightly. I could write a book about my online dating/relationship experiences, and unfortunately it's more depressing than funny.

Most men these days would go "MGTOW" and just quit women all together if they were in my situation. I get their reasons for doing so, but to me it's so dumb. I realize that not all women are crazy, and the experience I gained from my past relationships help me weed out the crazies to find someone that's "somewhat" normal (and trust me, in NY, the majority ARE crazy, so the sea is more like a stagnant swamp).

Not to sound like a fag, but I love being in a relationship. That feeling of being in love with a woman you find attractive and that you click with on a mental, emotional, and physical level is like 10x better than any videogame I've ever played. So of course I'm more passionate about dating/relationships and put more effort into it than my hobbies.