He said she had a much lower libido to him after one of her kids were born and then he became addicted to porn resulting in this mess of a relationship. He said he's working on himself and his marriage now:
270 votes and 108 comments so far on Reddit
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Hopefully he also gets his wife to close the relationship too but I doubt that's going to happen because once that pandora's box has been open there's no way to close it again usually.
It looks like you grabbed the wrong guy there (unless he stated that was his account?).
The thread you linked was frum u/Dantastic_ where the OP from the other thread (u/Forward-Different) commented in.
Looking at the OP (u/Forward-Different) we can find the following breadcrumbs showing how this relationship was marked for success early on.
Arguably, I was obsessed with romance from a young age, and also managed to find similarly nerdy girls to hang out with (I met my wife while raiding in WoW for example), but the idea of not investing in something I wanted that badly would seem illogical to me.
I don't think it's proper to label my wife as high or low libido, she goes back and forth between the two. Was HL for the first 3 years of our relationship, which I would put as past the "initial lust/puppylove" period, and she's told me she either exists in HL mode or no libido mode, and it's easier for her to shut it down completely than be disappointed and/or frustrated.
She didn't want to explain the reason for why she wasn't attracted anymore, but I ended up prying out of her she wasn't attracted to me because of a lack of competence and confidence.
The short version is: met online, she was attracted to my
dominance as a raid leader (whatever, nerds, I know
), got happily married 2 years afterwards.
- I have food issues and porn addiction and lie about those. Working on fixing those now. Both have hurt her in the past because she values honesty and integrity. My fault.
I'm overweight, but have been at roughly the same weight (240-260) since we met, and this was not an issue for the first three years of our relationship, she was very attracted to me physically and while she desired fitness and healthiness, didn't feel a need for me to lose massive amounts of weight. Atm I think I've figured out intermittent fasting, and have gone from 259 -> 249 in the past month. Woo.
I stopped being dominant in the bedroom and IRL (she's a hyper competent project manager with multi multi million dollar projects, I've gone from being a science and math teacher (which I think she found attractive) to a stay-at-home dad with 2 young (1 very difficult) children.). I suspect she wants dominance at home and especially in the bedroom, but it's difficult to compete with her, and I didn't realize how necessary that was until this year. Going back to our old conversations and emails was painful, because she was clearly super-into it and loves it. Problem, she might not want it unless attraction is already present. Don't know how to kick-start this engine.
- Opened relationship 2 years ago when she met a smart attractive guy at work. I thought this was a good idea, since I've always been interested in open relationships. Didn't realize that could be taken as a sign of not being possessive and desirous of her, and hurt her even more and/or drive her away. I've had three flings in those two years, all cut short by me, because I could sense her discomfort of them and non-supportiveness. I've been very supportive of her and her BF. Perhaps that comes off as submissive, who knows. I don't think they've had sex (he's married and cheating (on a wife who abuses him), emotionally at least, and she's got enough integrity to not let him cross lines he's established for himself)
Last week, ended up in a convo with a person on a fetish website (story for another day), ended up unpacking the whole relationship, and she thought (because she's the same MBTI type as my wife, and had a similar experience) my wife is only capable of loving one person at a time, and is replacing me with other guy. And I'm screwed if I let her do that. She was pretty persuasive, and described many of my wife's feelings and actions before I told her about them. *shrug* She's possibly biased by her past experiences, but she has a good point, and in the space of a day I went from being pretty happy with the situation (I generally like my life, or I think I did), to wanting to change stuff and being scared I'd already fucked it up too badly.
So if we unpack it all, we can make a timeline.
They meet online (World of Warcraft raiding, lol) and fall into a relationship with some BDSM power dynamics (dom/sub), with her being the sub and him being the dom. While this goes on, roughly 3 years, she's 100% totally into it - and they have two kids. It looks like near ~5 months into the second pregnancy, it slows down and stalls out. It looks uneventful for the second pregnancy, but it looks like once she's recovered (~2-3 months) they are still not connecting.
It's unclear what the exact problem is - but either he isn't giving her what she wants (confidence and competence in the bedroom) and he turns to porn to make himself feel better, or because he turns to porn to make himself feel better he isn't capable of giving her what she wants. Either case, there is clearly a disconnect and instead of healing or self-reflection - his response is to suggest that she hooks up with a guy from her job, which probably really helped to drive her away.
On top of that - they have an "open" relationship but the wife doesn't seem to like it and she wasn't the one to suggest it. She also (allegedly) takes offense to the idea that he's able to fuck other women but not her, probably because it makes her feel
even more like she isn't good enough for him.
He realizes some of this, albeit a full 2-2.5 years after when it really mattered and it looks like his wife is really considering moving on. It sounds like he really let himself go emotionally, physically, and sexually.
So I told my wife yesterday about being clean [Tanner Note - From Porn] for 40 days, and she didn't give a crap, in spite of it being part of the original reason for our dead bedroom. She's completely apathetic now.
Press "F" for this guys marriage.
